open green hearts

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Snakeloa, Nov 9, 2018.

  1. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Hello and welcome to my journal.
    About me: My name is Jörg and i am 42. I am an initiated man by the Mankind Project since 2013. Since then a lot of things changed in my life and i could take more and more responsibility for my decisions and actions in my life. I do take part in a mensgroup every other week and recently i did start a support group called the open green hearts. Which is basically support and group for addictions of all kinds.

    About Porn in my life: Porn came to my life in form of magazines when i was very young(i only bought 3 in my life, but as you know these magazines are everywhere). In a natural way i always felt attracted by the pictures and female bodies. It made me dream about sexual encounters and therefore i started to masturbate. It felt still natural to me but as it happened very often i kind of could say that is where things slowly changed. It became a habbit and a stress releaser...

    A lot of years later and internet porn opened their doors and my former natural sexuality with myself changed into something else. Porn addiction kicked in. It did not feel natural anymore. I tried to escape many times just to relapse as soon as an external circumstance made me feel small or not loved again.

    Last year i did team up with a friend to support each other to see if we can achieve 90 days of PM. We build up a system which allowed us to open up to each other in a shame and guiltfree way. We achieved a strong container in which we could be vulnerable and free of the fear of judgements. That helped me to reach my goal.

    After that, we went on with our lifes and after some time i relapsed again.

    As i do not want to have that addiction anymore running parts of my life i started a website and a new group in Nov 2018. My goal is to help myself and other men to manage their addictions in life better.

    hugs from my heart
     
  2. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    I did start my counter on Nov 3rd together with my group. My first goal in our group is to reach 90 days and then carry on.
     
    MrMurk, Mr. Tumnus and vxlccm like this.
  3. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Good to hear from you.

    You've got a goal in mind, now just be ready to stick through whatever comes your way to get it done. Rebooting is awesome, and well worth it.
     
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  4. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    And reset. I want to hold myself accountable here.
    I got attracted by a movie and then searched online nude pics for one minute. I know it is not a big deal. But it is a small one and therefore i reset my counter to 0. I do feel good abaout this because i have got my accountability group which supports me. And this is a really shame and guilt free container which i love.
     
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  5. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Good luck.

    The first month is so difficult, I reset twice before success.

    You can do it.

    The road is long, but it is straight.
     
    Carl Spackler likes this.
  6. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    I just realized that I lost any fear of failing. I do try to achieve what I want my life to be but I seldomly punish myself for failing.

    Today I was driving in my car when out of a sudden and without any trigger I felt very aroused. As I was in my car nothing bad could happen and I tried to raise awareness on what's going on and then shift the powerful Energie into some positive self awareness.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2018
    Mr. Tumnus likes this.
  7. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Day number 8.

    Strange i feel good, there is no craving to watch porn. But i do feel my dark desire rising up. I feal fear and some joy. It is awful strong. The way i look at women, their trousers, legs... It is like being a hunter who wants to hunt. At the same moment i can watch myself feeling this dark desire. I do not want to stress my relationship by being a men who is not trustworthy. I can contain that for now.

    But a question arises what is this dark desire? How do i get this in my relationship?
     
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  8. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Today one man dropped out of my AP Group. First i felt sadness. But now i can see it even helps me to stay on track and encourage more men to fight their addiciton.
     
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  9. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Today i got some feedback from one man of my AP Group. And well it was not as easy to swallow as i thought.
    So we took the conversation offline and not in the group. His judgement was that i am overprotecting the men in the group. And his invetation was to trust the process. And yes he was right. I do want to have controll to have the best outcome for each man in "my" group. To let go of this controll is very tough for me. Because i got fear to get blamed if it goes bad by just trusting all will be fine and on the other hand side that i do not get the respect for a well perfoming AP Group when i am not in charge anymore (Ego!)

    Way to go, way to learn...
     
  10. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    After a very good AP Group Video Call we have agreed on some further guidelines to better support each other:

    1) No judgements, no shaming, everything is welcome. And no rescuing or fixing neither.
    2) If a man feels he might "reset" and watch porn he will ask for support in the AP Group.
    3) If a man asked for support, he will hold himself accountable until another man reaches out to support him.
    4) To support a man we first ask for the feeling beneath and give him a chance to act it out before we support him
    5) A man who managed to stay clean shares his success in the group to manifest it in his life
    6) During the support procedure we help to transform negative Porn Energie into a positive action.
    7) Every man sets his goal (90 days PMO) and during this journey he decides what personal goal is beneath that (for ex. self-confidence)
    8) We meet 1/ month for a Video Call and we stay 24/7 in Chat contact. But just Chat! Without permission no man will call another man.
    9) We do use a clear language ( open and honest, aware and supportive, challenging but following the man)

    So far the whole group managed to stay on track and we all have allready 30+ days to celebrate. And yes we do celebrate all of our achievements. We call them "share&shine". Proud of my open green heart group.
     
  11. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Today i wasted my time... It is my day off. The whole week i was looking forward to this day. And when it came i stayed in bed, i surfed thwough the Web and played mobile games.

    Instead of cooking something for breakfast, going for a walk, building my shed, enjoying the garden. Now my half day off is wasted.... Time to change that. Now.
     
  12. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Just 3 more days to reach halftime goal. I do feel very confident. Maybe to much.
    I have to stay alert as i do tend to not take it seriously anymore if it seems to be too easy.
    But i reality i do not feel well, i am wasting a lot of time at the moment, i do not stick to my routines, i catched a cold, the accountability stuff pisses me off a bit at the moment. All together that means danger!!!

    I have to remind myself to not loose cofindents and focus.
    I will be hyper fucking aware!



    Update: Yes there was a lot of danger out there. Good job to myself as i was awake and aware.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2019
  13. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Difficult would describe the last week best. I was sruggling with a lot of desire and lust. I could resist to use PMO to calm down. But it nearly made unable to think about something else than sex. I could observe myself checking out females around me. It is quite interesting to see how that desire drives my feelings and behavior. I am so glad that i could express my thoughts and fears to my partner several times.

    In a post of Retro Girls diary i found an interesting question for mself. Which desires belong to me and my "sacred" sexuality?

    I do like this thought/quesiton a lot. It somehow helps to pull away the curtain of unconscious decisionmaking and at the same time includes something... well natural, divine, honestly welcome. It feels like if i treat my sexuality as something "sacred", then even a darker desire can be something really mindful and accountable.
     
  14. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Day 61 and that means just another month to my first goal. I will concentrate on reaching this instead of asking myself:what next or for how long. I did reach 90 days before and it felt great. I stopped counting then and just lived on without PM. Then one day i was sad and lonley, i remember quite well how i felt and how fast PM got back into my daily life. So i will try to let go of all these thoughts and carry on until i hit 90 days again.

    There are other things to think about and to work on.
    I am thinking about writing a daily journal... that might be something.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019
  15. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Fun Thing. I received a spam mail today. A female hacker wrote that she would have video evidence of me (PM) and blackmailing me to send her 2000€. Interesting in this mass spam mail, which was for sure sent out to thousands of harmless internet users, was how it affected my thinking about all that PMO stuff. It could have been me. It could be anybody of us. It could be you. That kind of put me into the middle of something...

    But first, how did i react? I deleted the mail. I would never pay such a person. Sexuality and even PMO is nothing to be ashamed of. It is my private decision of how i want to express my sexuality. I do not feel ashamed or guilty at all. I feel sad about having to handle this addiction but that is it.

    But it made me think... It made me think about how i could use that feeling to carry on and reaching my goal to be free of my PMO addicton. The point is when i read this spam mail i felt somehow being part of that PMO Circle. Before it felt more like a personal PMO thing. But in that moment i was in the middle of something huge. A big cultural addiction, a disease... and that made me feel even more powerful to reach my goal and even go much beyond that.

    Today i made the decision that i will double my goal to 180 days on that day my counter hits 90.
    So thank you for your spam mail "vera"
     
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  16. Snakeloa

    Snakeloa Fapstronaut

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    Well what a pitty... so close so far. In 2 days i will hit 90 days but am i honest to myself? I did PM once last week. Yes But did i fail? No this journey so far was a huge win for me and my team. My Green Heart mates managed to stay clean. I reseted 1 time after about 80 days.

    So i will add something to my counter as i am not able to change the counter into something i like to express.
    I will add a line below to share how many resets i have had. But i will still keep on counting. I will only restart my counter if i relapse.

    I do not want to put soo much pressure on myself. I think there is more than good or bad, black and white. If i reset i acknowledge what is, but i still respect the no PMO way i am on by counting all days, the black ones and the white ones. That means my journey so far has been very much on the PMO free side. It is a very light grey tone. ;)
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2019
    MrMurk likes this.
  17. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    It's solid logic. Doing better this year than last is noteworthy. You can keep trying and also do even better in the next 90 than in this past 90, though effort remains required. Good job getting into whiter areas than greyer ones :)
     

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