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online dating is thoroughly demoralizing experience

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by end_it_for_good, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. Hardmode-Monk

    Hardmode-Monk Fapstronaut

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    I tend to spend all day online and I don't do anything. I just lay in bed texting endlessly. So I decided to delete all of my accounts. The only women who text are ones that want me to pay for sex.
     
  2. Hardmode-Monk

    Hardmode-Monk Fapstronaut

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    Online dating is the problem. Most girls on there have their snapchat or instagram on there. A lot of them aren't there to meet guys but are there for a social media presence.
     
  3. RedGryphon

    RedGryphon Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree with this. Different apps are better than others. Some are really shit and some are quite good.
     
    end_it_for_good likes this.
  4. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    Online dating never really clicked with me. Today I'm seeing it more as an extension of me being afraid to go out to socialize with people face to face. It's like trying to run before being able to stand on ones two feet. In a sense, my use of the internet is tied to my fear of socializing.

    This is just me though.
     
  5. I can understand the being afraid to socialize with people face to face. I’m fine at work since there’s differing levels of control there that makes me feel safe. No one is going to tell me to bugger off. But out and about in public it’s a different ball game. I hide in my house way too much and when I do go traveling, photography, or excercizing I always keep to myself. If I go on a dating website there’s going to come a time when I have to meet the person face to face. Very intimidating.

    But I think dating websites are full of fakes and women with impossibly high standards.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. ruffneckred

    ruffneckred Fapstronaut

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    i signed up at Zooisk for online dating, just out of frustation with my wife and marriage. I don't really want to date, just curious. I get lots of email, ### wants to meet you. I am a bit put off if I go to the sight, and it has a photo carousel that I either yes/no/maybe.. 100% on looks, seems so shallow. Maybe someday when my marriage finally collapses I will do more, but right now it would not be fair to anyone, or me. Is there a dating sight that is less superficial than the rest?
     
  7. Are you putting all your eggs in to the online dating basket? Why not try approaching women in real life? You could literally meet women ANYWHERE in public. It would take a greater level of skill, and balls. This would set you apart and make you more attractive.

    I tried online dating for the first time recently, and found that it was just like a porn-substitute. Endlessly paging through girls profiles. Getting "replies" from fake profiles trying to lure me to sex-sites. I'm done with it now and just want to focus on real life, I'm trying to overcome my mental barriers with that

    As for the PIED, that sucks. I haven't gotten to that point to see if that will be a problem for me
     
  8. AUTiger7222

    AUTiger7222 Fapstronaut

    My advice would be to focus 110% on trying to fix your marriage. I don't know your situation but I'm disappointed to hear that you've all but given up hope of having a good marriage with your wife.
     
  9. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    ok cupid is a bit better. hinge isn't so bad
     
  10. AUTiger7222

    AUTiger7222 Fapstronaut

    Everything online starts off being based 100% on looks. But the same is in real life. What's the first thing that catches your attention about a woman? It's her looks. "Oh wow, she's a hottie!!" That gets your attention and then you get to know her personality and that becomes priority. I've experienced it the other way too. "She's pretty, but she's not a knockout" and then get to know her and because of her personality she jumps ahead of the hottie who's got the personality of a rock.
     
  11. This is good. Being open and upfront about what you like/want/need is healthy, especially for you. I've found myself 'settling' in situations for no other reason than she showed interest in me. You don't want this. Say what you want, and see how it pans out from there.

    Awesome! I found that when I started NoFap and changed my diet, I lost roughly 15 kilograms in 6 weeks. Whatever diet it is you find that works for you, stick with it. I found that with the change in diet, and eventually starting at the gym, it was a long-lost feeling that I didn't realise I'd missed. I'd argue that diet and exercise have done more for me than NoFap, but it was NoFap that started it.

    I'm glad that you're changing your profile for the better. I last tried online dating prior to the ubiquity of smartphones and selfies, so I'm very much out of touch. Given the rejections I experienced then, I still think I'd rather just go out to bar, hit on 20 girls and deal with the rejections rather than put effort into a profile (I DO NOT photograph well) and see no benefit from it. Perhaps part of it is my inability to honest and upfront about what I want/need, but why do the work without a benefit?

    More a case of you unlocking the awesome inside you. It's all there, you just haven't given yourself permission to let it out til now. I'm particularly interested in the successes you're experiencing with the dating coach. There are a few I like to follow online, ones who are all about be real and authentic, which is something I've always had difficulty with. Me being real and authentic resulted in rejections, getting ignored and me discovering I have and honest-to-goodness superpower - invisibility to women.

    If you ever feel like discussing your specific progress with your coach, either on these forums or privately, I'd love to hear more.

    It's all about advertising and being above-average. I've seen colleagues using Tinder and it really is in a woman's favour - she has her pick of whatever's on the menu. I'm not at a point yet where I'd feel comfortable/confident enough subjecting myself to that - I'd rather sort out face-to-face interactions before the getting online.

    It's all about looks, but as someone who dresses well but is otherwise physically undesirable (shorter, unorthodox looks, etc) it's a lot rougher than that. The most I've done is go into a few chatrooms, and it's surprising the number of women who lose interest as soon as you tell them you're 5'6. Three-piece suit, jeans and t-shirt, casual linen... Dressing and grooming are great, but I still feel that they're just pretty wrapping on an awesome but ugly-as-sin gift.
     
  12. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    Sure, just PM me.

    The dating coach was actually a really good investment. It really pushed me in ways I needed to. I got a lot of encouragement that it's ok to pursue and also to be be aggressive. I got beaten down in the dating arena in the past. Its taking just as much recovery to get into dating as it did to deal with this.

    Also I feel like focussing on setting my life up so I can be a better man romantically as been maybe the biggest motivation since starting this. If I try to focus on "staying away from bad stuff" it doesn't really do it for me. I just end up with a sense of lack and nothing to fill it with. Focusing on getting my cock back, getting in shape and marketable to women of my choosing are all good.

    I think you can overcome looks problems. I went bald at 29. Just accommodate for it. The clothing is a really big deal. Like tailored clothing, which costs very little, like $15 to make a button down shirt fit you damn near perfectly and $30 to get a pair of pants to look custom built for you. You can look better than anybody else. Dudes with great physics and terrible fashion taste end up looking worse than slightly uglier guys who dress well. It sounds stupid, but women respond to this. It's nice because it's in our control.
     
    ANJR6 likes this.
  13. I'll keep that in mind.

    See, a lack of aggression has become a real problem for me. Perhaps it's because I'm sensitive or an introvert or I bought too much of the bullshit that women peddle about guys, but I gave up on actually 'pursuing' women half a lifetime ago. The few women I've been with have been based on a combination of dumb luck and them making the moves. For me to even consider that a woman was actually interested in me, she'd have to have removed my pants. It's good to know that these things can be overcome, but if I were to make an honest assessment, me 'getting into dating' is arguably going to be more difficult that NoFap.

    Not sure about the "staying away from bad stuff" alludes to, but if you've found something that aids you, I'm all for it.

    I highlighted this part because it's become something of a big deal for me. The fact is, I wouldn't choose most women. Not because they aren't attractive, but I don't need to hear rejection any more. I have something I've dubbed 'Approach Apathy' (although I'm sure a coach somewhere has come up with the term) - why bother approaching? It's statistically-unlikely she'll go home with you ('numbers' and 'dates' are steps that can too easily be pulled out from under me), and even then, the sex will probably be vanilla and I'll have to end up taking a cold shower. I'm at a point where I'm going back to university to study something that I've found myself strangely attracted to since discovering (Philanthropy and Nonprofit), so I'll use what masculine energy I have making things better for others. If a woman wants to be part of my world, she's really going to have to prove herself to me.

    For a very long time I was quite well-groomed, particularly for someone who has to wear cheap polyester uniform. I had a certain dapper style that slowly died in my marriage to a woman who was lazy and had issues not just with getting dressed up, but femininity in general. Why did I marry her? Because she was the only woman to show any interest in me in years. I've taken a big risk here and included a couple of photographs of myself - I was heavier in them, but you get the idea.

    (Don't worry - I wore a white tie and white shoes with the suit)

    As you can see, I dressed well, but the women just weren't interested.
     

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  14. ruffneckred

    ruffneckred Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I did not check back sooner, been a tad busy. I am still hopeful and trying to salvage my marriage. Unfortunately my wife is less inclined. Today I am battling urges, came here to get help with that and realized I had started discourse then vanished. I apologize again. Have a great day.
     
  15. You can do this. You've already got the power inside you to overcome your urges. Look at all the others on here who have been where you are and beaten it.

    Me? Nah, I'm best used as an example of what not to do.

    Crush it, gato.
     
  16. WasZeusWrong?

    WasZeusWrong? Fapstronaut

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    It's a good thing I found a partner shortly before all this online dating "monopolized" the whole dating scene. I never would have survived in that world! Probably would have put a ring on my left hand and said, "There you go, mate. There's your life partner!" Anyway, I admire those of you who do it, because I'm not sure how else you're supposed to meet people these days. Anyway, end_it, I feel your pain vis-a-vis the condoms. When I was younger, I could be rock hard, but then the minute I started fumbling with that latex, I'd lose it. Would it be totally out of the question for you to be up front about this with a woman before having sex? Like, "I think it's important to use condoms, but putting them on can make me nervous, so please don't take it personally." I know it doesn't seem very Don Juan and all that, but aren't women always saying they want open communication and more foreplay than actual sex? I'll be curious to know how the dating coach works out. Please keep us up to date!
     
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  17. AUTiger7222

    AUTiger7222 Fapstronaut

    Wow, and I was thinking I was the only one to lose an erection trying to put on a condom. I thought maybe I was weird because it happened to me.
     
  18. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    yeah. she is pretty mellow about it. I think also i'm having adrenal fatigue from all the masturbation. when i got into recovery from porn many years back and had a few years of sobriety, i took a lot of chinese herbs to repair the damage. i had weak erections back then too and the herbs helped a lot. i'm doing the same now and getting back on track. dragonherbs.com helped me a lot
     
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  19. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    and ashwaganda was a big help. so were cordyceps
     
  20. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    Just made the judgment call that I'm not in the right place yet for online dating and deleted my profile. I don't need that stress at the moment and the mindset it gives. Honestly, I feel better off putting my energy into meeting people out in the "real world".
     

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