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One of many times I couldn't bring myself to masturbate

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Deleted Account, Jan 25, 2019.

  1. I'm in the shower. Total danger zone, right?

    So I'm standing there thinking, man I want to masturbate right now. And I actually do.

    I think about the hand I'm going to use, I think about how using my left hand challenges a different side of my brain to be creative and I think about how I had told myself I wouldn't masturbate. I tell myself that is true, but I definitely could stop if I wanted to. I say, can you really? And at that moment I say, yeah, I can, and suddenly feel less determined to do so.

    But then I remember why I was there. I had been feeling stressed out and images earlier challenged myself control. Those images were completely innocent, I understood that whatever I felt was entirely in my head. But I would not use them as material becaus I have a girlfriend to think about. I remind myself of what she is doing for me and who she is to me, and say, it's not that you owe her anything, but you have the opportunity to get exactly what you want and you can't just throw it away, reminding myself if the consequences of taking people for granted.

    So I try to produce a fantasy about her but it isn't working out. Then I realized I'm completely unable to, because I'm in a bad mood. The mood disables me from thinking positive, healthy, empathetic thoughts about her. Hmmmm.... Then I realized, wow, there was a time when I had similar moods in my past, where I really got off to calling people I knew and saying dirty things to them. People besides my SO at the time. One in particular, I remember, I had shamed her by purposefully calling her the wrong name on accident after spending quite the while to convince her to talk dirty to me. I think about how wrong that was and how little respect I must have had for her. I think about things I would like to say to her now, like that what I did was wrong and that I ask for her forgiveness. I then think about how I seemed to get a kick out of being on the phone with other people. I also think that if I saw this other girl at the park or something she might think I look the same except for how big I've gotten as far as fitness goes. Slightly bigger. I think about how great I would look and remember how much I worked out in the last couple years. Not much, but still. I work hard, I guess.

    Suddenly I no longer want to masturbate at all, but I have this desire to work out like I usually don't have. I get out of the shower and pick up my phone and start writing this thread.

    Weird, huh?

    Edit: it brought up a few examples of how I was lonely in the past and how that affects me now, and how being lonely now (momentarily) affects my desire.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2019

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