Once and for all.

Hello all,

I've been a lurker of nofap for a while taking in inspiration from the many stories that abound these forums and trying to apply them to my own battles and challenges. I guess today after many attempts to quit the three elements (PMO) at varying stages I have created this profile as a form of accountability unto myself. I look forward to connecting with people who understand without judgement.

Me, I'm a 40 year old single guy who has been addicted to Porn for near 30 years. I've been single for almost the last eight years. I know my addictions are to blame for this. I struggle to make eye contact with women these days. Lastly, I have been addicted to visiting massage parlours and succumbing to the proverbial happy endings they offer for at least the last seven or eight years.

This last addiction has cruelled me. Financially - I feel nauseas even estimating how much money I have wasted engaging the habit. It would be in the vicinity of $40k-$50k.

Emotionally - I work in a position that is well respected and I lead people. If my habit of going to massage parlours where to come to light, I would loose my job and feel endless shame and guilt not to mention have no money to buffer any potential lag in finding new work. As time has gone on, without being caught I have become more relaxed in my efforts of covering my tracks. It is only a matter of time before I'm caught.

I feel I have no where to turn and alas, here I am. The emotional roller coaster, the self loathing and hate that has manifested inside towards myself must stop.

I have attempted PMO in the past and make it to around the 10 day mark before reverting to old habits. The initial wave of ceasing PMO is amazing. My self confidence rockets and I feel in control, but old habits win. Old habits win no more! Today is Day two of NoFap and day three of no porn. This is just the start!

 

Thanks Will It's Great to be on board and I feel immense weight lifted for just penning my thoughts.

 

Thanks for the encouragement Will.

Well, I experienced some success, but last night I went on a huge massage relapse. Day one reboot starts today. It is not failure, it is learning. I guess I've come back a little more philosophical this time, as opposed to the past when I have experienced immense self loathing and hatred. Time to immerse myself in these forums and surround myself, and learn from like minded individuals all seeking self improvement.