On the Verge of Divorce..

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by His Wife, May 8, 2019.

Is it time to move one or do we have hope?

  1. Move On

    5 vote(s)
    100.0%
  2. Help Him

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Hello....
    Ive been married to my "Best Friend" for 3 years.. been together for 7 years. And I do say "Best Friend" because he feels more like a friend rather than a husband. We have a good relationship, for the most part. We can go out and have a great time together. I believe we make a great team together but we DO NOT have an intimate relationship..If im lucky we have sex once every 2 months, Thats literally 6 times a year.. How OBSURD is that. I don't feel like he's "My Husband".
    I first realized his PA when we first got married but I was in denial and not well educated on PA. Our marriage is holding on by a thread.. We have tried Counseling, a lot of different counselors to be exact. We always change counselors because he finds an excuse to not follow up.. example: " She's a white woman she's never going to understand us." or " He's on your side". He's blinded by his PA its so hard for him to stop.. or I now feel like he doesn't care to stop it. Ive bought him books on PA, I signed him up to SAA classes, Ive talked to him and He will be good for a week and then return to Porn. He finds a way to always turn around everything on me.
    He doesn't take responsibility of his actions and doesn't realize how bad he is affecting our relationship. I know I'm not the problem I am 30 years old with a high libido and I am physically fit, beautiful and smart. Men and Women tell me Im beautiful EVERYDAY, Every time we go out I get compliments but none of them matter If I don't have the attention from the only man that matters.
    I let him know that I need sex, but even after a conversation he gets offended He gets aggressive, he attacks and blames me and says I started the fight because I bring it up.. Ive caught him on the act, I've found Porn on his computer, phone and even our TV, He has no self Control. Everyone at work knows he watches Porn, They talk about him and make him out like a Pervert.
    Sometimes I wonder if he's Gay, Ive seen gay porn, transexual porn in his history. Ive caught him at a "Gay Sauna" and Doing crazy FAP like inserting a wine bottle in his butt.. Thats when he first opened up to me about his PA and asked me for help but I dont know if it was because he was ashamed that I caught him because he only went to SAA classes for a month and never went back. Ive stuck with him thru thick and thin and I don't want to walk away from my marriage without trying one last time. PA is not only affecting my husband, It's affecting my family and myself. I don't want to ever look back and say I didn't try. At first I thought this was a rough patch but 3 years later and It doesn't get any better now it just feels forced and robotic. I feel like im losing myself trying to revive a relationship that has died a long time ago.
     
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Counseling fails many partners and addicts... unless you get certain counselors or coaches that are educated or experienced with porn addiction and betrayal trauma professonals oftentimes end up traumatizing their clients out of lack of knowledge.

    Those are excuses. White woman, never understand, he is on your side... it's all avoidance tactics. It's true he is going to want to quit, and often addicts quit only when they are about to lose everything.

    It's great that you realize this isn't about you, lots of partners really struggle with that.

    Him saying you started a fight because you brought it up is gaslighting and putting the blame on you... that is not okay and its a very common tactic used by addicts.

    If you want this to work you have to set some boundaries and consequences....

    If you want change you will have to push the addict in that direction... and it will be up to him if he wants to change.

    PM me and I can give you some more info and advice. My husband is hitting 3 years clean in June and we've rebuilt our marriage.
     
  3. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    So sorry you are going through this! I don’t have much advice, but empathy.
     
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It is against the site rules to cross post the same message in different forums, but in this case I think the results are really interesting. I read the quality of support and ideas in @Queen_Of_Hearts_13 reply above, and then compared it with this on the other thread (here):
    Scary.

    Here's my tupence worth

    How long has the relationship felt like this? Forget the porn for a moment, can you imagine getting back to him-as-lover and away from him-as-friend?

    Ages ago @Sadgirl and @Kenzi recommended Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity. One of the things she talks about is the conflict between emotional intimacy and passion. I have conflicting views. On the one hand using sex as a barometer of relationship health adds anxiety, but on the other hand such mismatched sexual expectations and desires does sound like the symptom of a breakdown.

    I can see that having a counsellor who gets you is important so "she's never going to understand us" sounds like a reasonable complaint to me. Finding a good counsellor is difficult. I had one ages ago and kept him for years although, looking back, I now realise he was a terrible fit for me (he wanted me to celebrate my porn use as something healthy). I wish I had been more picky and less loyal to him. I wonder if there is something to work with in your husband's second complaint: "he's on your side"? Finding a therapist who gets porn addiction is difficult. So many people, even therapists, think men using porn is natural and healthy. It sounds like you found a therapist who understands the impact of porn addiction. Perhaps your husband could start going back to that therapist, but on his own, without you going, so that the therapist was clearly on his side?

    This sounds like a bad idea. He needs to reach a place where he is searching out what he needs, in his way.

    Then perhaps it is time to leave. He is not listening to you, something needs to shock him into seeing where his porn use is leading. My definition of addiction is this:
    1. Something is doing you harm,
    2. You sincerely try to stop, and
    3. You find you cannot.
    It sounds like he hasn't realised stage one. He needs to see that he is in danger of losing his marriage. Wives here are keen on saying that the addict needs to be giving up porn for himself, and that's partly true, but we needed a catalyst. I've known my porn use was wrong throughout my life but did I put any honest effort into stopping? No, not until I realised the effect it was having on my wife and that I might lose my marriage.

    I love this. You would not believe how many women come here with their self-esteem in tatters after their husband's porn addiction. Go girl.

    This is heartbreaking, and he needs to really see this and feel his responsibility in all this.

    It is so easy to feel threatened about our sexual performance, and it is worse for us porn addicts. @Queen_Of_Hearts_13 calls it a fog under which us addicts cannot empathise (e.g. here). He will need to be a way into active recovery before he can hear and respond to you without defensive walls blinding him.

    This is frightening. Porn is something we are ashamed of, but he's gone beyond that and owns his porn use publicly as part of himself. Yuck.

    The accepted wisdom on NoFap is that our porn fuelled fantasies escalate way beyond our natural tastes and that when we get away from porn our natural tastes will return. There are loads and loads of posts by straight men who are scared that they enjoy gay or trans porn, and then they are reassured by the replies. But I'm not so sure, I think our sexual fantasies do teach us about our deeper selves, so I also wonder if at some deep level he is gay but is unwilling to accept that side of himself in his day-to-day life. He will not admit that to you though, if he cannot even admit it to himself. I'm just speculating though, and may be talking rubbish.

    What family? Do you both have kids?

    What is going to shock him into realising that he needs to fix himself? Let me quote someone who has not been around for a while:

     
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
  5. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for replying This means so much to me.. Im balling as im reading this.
     

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