On the road to breaking up...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by frustratedandsad, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. frustratedandsad

    frustratedandsad Fapstronaut

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    I have been feeling so torn apart this last week. My partner of a year is making huge steps to tackling his recovery and we are on the road of deciding whether we stay together and not have sex for 3 months while he attempts hard mode, or we break up and he handles this on his own.

    I'm curious what people in this forum have experienced. I am still in love with him and I don't want to break up, but I love him so much I want what is best for him/us. I brought us to this crossroads and he's going to think about it over the next couple of days about which option feels best to him.

    I love him but I want to be realistic about what works for rebooting and recovery.

    IF we do decide to stay together for at least 3 more months no sex, what are some healthy boundaries? (no making out but is cuddling is ok?, should I wear a sports bra and a full pajama set when we go to bed together?? for people that have attempted this, what are other ways to show affection outside of physical touch?)

    IF we break up, how do I stay sane from missing him so much and how do I show my support even though we can't see each other? I don't want to lose him, he's become such an important person in my life.
     
  2. JeanFinte

    JeanFinte Fapstronaut

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    You must be foolish for not having sex with your partener. If he don't watch porn he will reboot even if you are making it.
     
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  3. frustratedandsad

    frustratedandsad Fapstronaut

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    I thought it was a relatively normal option to not have sex for 3 months during a reboot, for fear of triggering him to want to watch porn if we try and he has ED or if we do have sex and he has an O.
     
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  4. frustratedandsad

    frustratedandsad Fapstronaut

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    BELIEVE ME, I WANT to be having sex with my partner...
     
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  5. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Not foolish. I’m disappointed that was your first piece of feedback...I’ve been prescribed the same. Although my husband and I have been sexual a couple times but he did not O. I think in retrospect (and have been cautioned) it’s best to not be sexual at all. It’s a challenge but the dividends would be worth it to be healthy. If you love him it could be a bonding situation and you could help encourage him on his journey and keep him accountable if he is open to that.
     
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  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    All that said, it really depends on how he treats you and what it’s worth to you to deal with an addict indefinitely-ever-after. If I weren’t married with kids, I don’t think I would have stuck around after discovering my husband’s ongoing cybersex trysts all during our relationship during which he had neglected me.

    You’re still in a young relationship so consider that if he doesn’t truly kick the addiction things may only become more challenging over time, as your relationship loses novelty. You are fortunately not legally bound to him so do some hard soul searching on what is best for yourself and how his addiction afffects you.
     
  7. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I'm of the opinion to keep having sex if neither one of you is co-dependent. I fully believe if there's no co-dependency in the relationship that abstaining from sex will push you apart. Actually, I'm evidence of it.
    I feel like rewiring the brain in a relationship should have a separate set of "rules". I'll never understand why couples don't use this opportunity to re-discover their passion for each other (if the SO is willing, of course).
     
  8. Tom30

    Tom30 Fapstronaut

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    I personally dont think theres a reason to forgo real sex altogether. He needs to abstain completely from porn/cybersex/artifical sexual stimulation and masturbation and rewire his brain to find real sex desirable, arousing and rewarding again.
    I would say if the opportunity and desire to have sex is there for both of you then let it happen naturally, dont go without unnecessarily and equally dont force it to happen.
    If you do decide to give up sex for a while definitely keep cuddling, kissing and those kinds of things. You both need some physical contact and to feel loved and supported.
     
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  9. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Yes!
    My husband's therapist suggested to him that him & I do basically "monk mode". Nothing other than a peck or hug for 30 days. Absurd.
    I was basically bullied into it because HiS bRaIn NeEdeD rEsEt. *eye roll* Eye roll only because his brain reset needed to form a new pathway to me instead of literally cutting me out like I was some stranger.
    Instead of building our intimacy (I was VERY willing), by day 30, we were barely acknowledging each other....
    So I ended up feeling extremely unwanted, which didn't help the already present betrayal trauma I was going through.
     
  10. frustratedandsad

    frustratedandsad Fapstronaut

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    I'm working on my co-dependency. I'm confused...should we keep having sex?
     
  11. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I honestly don't know because I'm not co-dependent ...
    I'm sure there's a spouse on here that is/was & will be able to give you advice :)
     
  12. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I can chip in my own experience. My wife and I have been together for 30 years. I quit porn last year. I quit PMO but didn't attempt monk mode. Instead I found it very helpful and healthy to redirect all my attention and energy away from porn and back onto my wife. This was not in the sense of using her as a p-sub to get off, but putting her back in the centre of my thoughts where she should have been all along.

    In your position I would use this opportunity to strengthen your bond, not weaken it. Spend more time together = less time alone with temptation for him. Do plenty of non-sexual things together. While he is rebooting, limit his Os (no more than once a week, only with you, and not by his hand) but don't deny him cuddles and hugs and let him help you to O in ways you both enjoy.

    It worked for me - broke a lifetime of bad habits, cured PIED and brought my wife and I much closer.

    ANH
     
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    My husband and I never did hard mode but we discussed the possibility if he felt like he needed it. We did dial back sex and went vanilla. We focused on the sexual intimacy by way talking, naked cuddling and he never wanted to give into the chaser effect, have sex if he was feeling triggered (porn or fantasies entered his mind) or even after a wet dream. We have our 15 seconds every night and that is kissing for 15 seconds before bed even if we were in a bad mood. It’s what you two feel is best for you. There is no correct answer in my opinion. We focused on connecting and emotional intimacy first. It had worked for us and still continues to do so. Talk about your worries and fears and what you each feel like you need and want. Come to a mutual conclusion, if something isn’t working talk about it openly with love and change it if you need to. There isn’t a one fit all answer while doing this in a relationship.
     
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  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    What? I mean, What? Don't pay any attention to this nonsense:
    On the other hand...
    If you love him, his best chance of recovery is for you to stand with him and support him. If you can't, then don't.
    This is grand. It really is. But do what is best for you; not him. You have to take care of you. You may think you're OK, but you're not. Deep down inside of you, you have your own recovery to deal with. Remember that. It is important that you do that.
    I have no advice here barring remaining steadfast in your resolve to see it through. DO NOT give in no matter the temptation. You have to maintain that resolve. This would be a good time to build intimacy focusing on that instead of sex. Think of it as a 90 day work program exclusively on intimacy.
    That's difficult. I'd say if he's that much of an important person in your life, and this is the path you take, sever it, and let's reconvene in 90 days. Other than that, I don't have an answer. You've stumped me with this one my lady.

    On a final note here. Anybody that tells you "I think there is no reason to abstain..." blah blah blah, they're wrong. There is very good reason. You don't have to do it that way, but it is the best way for success.
     
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  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    There actually is a lot of science behind a monk mode reset and that's why it is recommended. It isn't right for everyone, though. We started out thinking it was stupid and useless but he couldn't fully kick the habit. It took many months for him to realize how badly he was still struggling because the O, even though it was only with me, was still causing him desire P and M. We did a 30 day hard reboot, the first 14 days monk mode, the last two weeks doing karezza nearly every night. Wow, what an incredible difference it made! He would not have been successful without it. We debated whether or not to continue on to 60 or even 90 days but it seems the "brain reset" was accomplished with 30.
     
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