On September 12th. I celebrated my 53rd birthday, but more important: 28 months PMO free

Last Tuesday was my birthday. This was a special one.
First of all it was kind of strange: we live in Miami and flew away from Hurricane Irma last week. This is not the first time that a hurricane comes to "celebrate" my birthday (actually the 5th) so we did not want to stay at home with this monster storm.
We left to Washington DC, which was the place where we found available (and very cheap) tickets.
My wife got me as a present a visit to the White House through somebody she knows that works there. It was a very special gift, much better than any new shirt
I love politics so i enjoyed the visit a lot.
But we were also celebrating on more milestone in my recovery. I quit PMO (and addiction to promiscuous hook up sex plus hiring hundred of escorts) on May 12th 2015. 28 month go I started this uphill battle against this addiction, which has consumed 40 years of my life.
It was an uphill battle, many times I was almost relapsing. Last time was 2 months ago, after a fight with my wife I accessed the escort site and have already "chosen" a nice one to call. Fortunately, once and again, I stopped and read my "Emergency Toolbox" notes. These are some readings I have been saving in my cellphone to read when I get an urge. They remind me how shitty was my life before, how low my self-esteem was. How sad and depressed I felt.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-320-days-of-reboot.62938/#post-473978

In this moment when i get an urge, the "Gremlin" (this is how MArk Queppet from NoFap Academy calls our addicted part of the brain) tries to tell me:" Why to hold that nice MO? Why not to call to this nice escort? You will feel great, in paradise. Let's show your wife that you can be much better without her".
But I know it is a lie. Every time after PMO or escorting i felt like shit. I felt dirty, a small piece of scum with not value at all.
I know now the truth. I need to stand on my feet, go over the pain, resist. I will feel much better and confident when the urge pass away.
After this last episode two months ago, I have felt proud and happy. I have learned these past 28 months how my acts affects other people. How bad my wife has felt all these years when I neglected her because I rather preferred to" make love with my right hand."
How close I was of losing everything i love.
There is not orgasm, no beautiful escort that can replace that.
The Gremlin tries to deceive me once and again.
But I know better than him now. He cannot deceive me anymore.
As a "recovered PMO addict" (never "cured") I need to be vigilant every day of my life.
I know that the Gremlin is weak and dormant, but ready to get awake if I am not alert.
This is a war for life. We need to understand that.
We cannot lower our arms one single day.
Some times I feel tired of fighting.
But it is worth it, because I feel free, happy and alive as I had not felt for decades.
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Yes, urges used to kidnap my rationality, i was like a zombie once mu mind entered "zombie mode".
When I get up in the middle of the night and I have an urge or feel depressed I meditate.
This helps me to release the tension and get back to sleep.
I am using an App called Headspace which is great for meditation
Stay strong
Fercho

 

Thank you so much for your words @CanadianPete . It has not been easy but I managed to stay clean. It got much easier the last few months fortunately.
If I could do it you can do it, never lower your arms, you can defeat the Gremlin!
Fercho

 

Time goes by, the distance with the addiction keeps growing. The farther it looks, th more rational my brains gets. I feel that I can control the addiction and my urges now, instead of they being in control of my brain. I meditate every day now, and my daily resolution and purpose during the meditation session is " to stay one more day clean".
I need to renew "my vows" with the addiction every day.
It gives me the willpower I need to stay clean one more day.
It seems that I do not need to fight so hard anymore, the rational part of my brain is in autopilot.
But I cannot become complacent, because this is the recipe for failure.
I can be relaxed, but needs to stay alert
Yesterday was the Day of Atonement, the day that Jews fast 24 hours and pray at the synagogue to God to forgive our wrongdoings of the last year.
During 40 days I was every thinking about all the shit I did that year: PMO ing like a rabbit 4-5 times per day, bring hundred of escorts, hooking up in promiscuous places with guys I have never met before, neglecting my wife and children, lying, deceiving, hiding.
Every year I asked for forgiveness, just to start over the next day.
This year felt different : I can stand proud during the prayers and say: " I am not perfect, I still feel urges...but I can live on my higher values and be a better person that I was in the past. I took care of trying to recover the relationship with my wife, helping her with her problems and the wounds she has due to my infidelities. I cannot stop having urges, but I can stop acting on them as an animal"
It felt great. I am in peace with myself as I have not been for decades.
All this shows that this war is worth to fight, although so many times we feel weak and we say: " why not to PMO if it feels so good?"
Stay strong Fapstronauts
Fercho

 

Thank you for your support and understanding @SanityOverVanity
You are right, some days is still not easy . This last weekend I had an argument with my wife and this always put me down. Urges showed up later at night and I was ready to open the hook ups App and start browsing
Fortunately K9 worked and I could not do it . After the first attempt I quit trying and start reading a book ( a paper one, in those situations it does not help me to keep using my IPad)
One more battle won
Of course I would love not to have urges any longer. But I need to be thankful with winning over this urge instead of depressed because I still have traces of the addiction
Stay strong
Fercho

 

I can feel that the addiction is becoming part of my past with small things, like this 12th. of the month forgetting that it was my 29th month free of PMO.
I used to count down every day at first and every month later. Not being so focus in my reboot makes me feel more free and relieved after so many years of struggle.
Stay strong
Fercho

 

Hello friends.
This Wednesday I will travel to Buenos Aires, which is my hometown and where my addiction began. It's a place that sometimes makes me sad. On the one hand, I am going to visit my father, who is 92 years old and is with senile dementia, so it is pitiful to see him.
My mom was assaulted three years ago on the street to steal her cell phone, she went into a coma and died after 3 weeks. That is also an ugly memory.
Also, a few blocks from where my dad lives (and where I lived as a boy), is the school where three older boys sexually abused me in a school bathroom when I was 10. This triggered my addiction to porn, my bisexuality and addiction to male escorts and random hook-ups in promiscuous places.
The most incredible thing is that my brain had hidden that episode for 40 years, I wanted to erase it from my mind, and it is probably what triggered my sexual additions. I just remembered it 8 months after I started my reboot.
It does not mean that all my visit to Buenos Aires will be sad. I have many friends and places that make me happy. But I have to be alert, because when I get sad or depressed is when the urges and sexual fantasies appear. I have to be alert and ready to react if this happens.
Stay strong
Fercho