Okay, okay ... I admit I may have gone too far

Hello NoFap community,

I’m a 37 year old man, with wife and 6 yo kid, that feels more like a 73 yo at the moment. I have lowerback aches and my arms, hands, knees and feet feel very weak and get cold and stiff often. These body aches have gradually become worse over the years. I guess I already knew what was the cause. Or atleast played a huge part in it...

I have been on PMO since I was 11 years old. Some periods in my 20s and 30s ON and OFF, but in my teens multiples times a day I think.
I feel like I want to share my whole life story. Dont worry, I wont put you through that. But I will share some (secret) things, that I am obviously not proud of, because I feel that this can really help me get rid of it. And I can start becoming the man I’m striving to be. Now alot of the time I pretend to be that man to others, as opposed to a man secretly doing things he feels ashamed of. Which is useless anyway because the people I care about can sense this unease and anxiety in me. So there it is... I am an addict!

I never considered myself addicted to it. I could easily stop for a week or two. And I did a few times. A month became a challenge but still doable if I really tried.
But I never had a real reason to stop it. I never got to the root cause of how, why and WTF I was doing. Untill now, when things start to go out of hand.
Oh I’ve had issues in the past that are related to it. But at the time I just believed that I’m just an introvert teen, Social situations are just not my thing. Or Im just the guy who likes to sleep in alot and very often. Thats just me! Not aware at all of the growing monster inside that kept pulling me down. Looking back I ask myself where did it go wrong?

Maybe it’s also because of my religious childhood and doctrine in which sex was taboo.
Education is very important. In my late twenties I became more and more interesed in spirituality and especially the science of it. I still am. How the body mind spirit connection works. I read about semen being considered the life force of man.
I believed it at the time but as with smoking I guess I have to learn the hard way. The moment when my body tells me that the effects are getting destructive than my mind starts to change. But that change was also thanks to my increased running habits. Then I stopped smoking. Which had a very positive effect on my overall wellbeing and if I might add less PMO when I was training for a running event.

At the moment I do little to no exercise because somehow PMO creeped back in my life and got the upperhand again. Energy and motivation crashed. Over time I’ve even convinced myself that it was a good thing. Like all addicts do I suppose. I told myself many times: look at all the effort and dedication that goes into making these movies just for you to enjoy! And I knew for sure that I was watching only “the good quality stuff” no humans were abused or hurt making those films! I’m actually doing someone a favor! Its lovemaking, what could be wrong about that?
I guess I had forgotten the lessons I had learned about the body...about my body and its precious fluids. Which should not be wasted for short term non productive pleasures. And ofcourse I didnt listen to my body (and mind) which told me again and again how bad and drained it made me feel afterwards.
But I was still alive and breathing and in some way a functioning human being. “Nope, Not an addict!” I thought.
Untill it became worse. On this path I had chosen to follow again through its filthy depths I ofcourse realised I needed more and more stimuli to get high. Normal porn didnt do it for me anymore.

In the following sentences ahead I am going to share some things that might flirt on the edge of me being a real creep. But I really feel I have to share this to just get it out my system. I’ve never done so to anyone before because I’m ashamed and afraid of what people would think and of what might happen.
In my highest knowledge and deepest feelings I know who and what I really am so this is about the pervert who I think I have become because of the PMO brain mess up. A brainf*ck that I will undo.

Well here goes:
I had fallen in the trap of 3D porn and all perversions it has to offer. With its rich twisted shapes and forms. First about fairytale creatures and monsters. Also Hentai had captured my eyes and and alot of my energy. Like I said before in that state of mind and arousel I really saw them to be pieces of art. So lifelike. This ofcourse is far from the truth cause I’m looking at pixels rapidly changing colors which Im desperately trying to have sex with! Even that fact crossed my mind now and then. But it didnt matter. I was after the feeling!

That urge made it even more ugly and I somehow landed in some place where they had 3D animations of younger looking characters that resembled underaged (maybe 14 or 15 yo) girls. I now started to feel really bad and more disgusted with myself. I immediatly knew this was were I had to draw the line. Ofcourse I couldn’t stop right away. It didnt took long though. (Not saying this to make it more okay) But I decided to shut that door because that is not who I am and choose to be. Even if its only CGI.

When sober, I couldnt help but analyse the fact that it did happen and wonder if maybe I am (Do I dare use the word) a pedophile?...No, Luckily I am not. IRL I do not get aroused by girls of that age. So then what was that about?
After carefully going back to my time as a teenager I now realise and accept the fact that I missed a large part of learning to interact with girls when I was age 11 to 17. I had not touched let alone kissed a girl untill I was 17 years old. This was because of my anxiety and ofcourse my religious upbringing, and lets not forget PMO. Was I looking to heal that part of me pherhaps? Ofcourse porn doesnt heal things. It usually leaves you more broken than before.

Thank you for reading my “Story” so far

And thats why, after watching alot of motivating youtube videos about nofap I decided to join an online community to embark on this yourney to just stop the bullcrap and start living fully again. Im hoping to get support here. And maybe... someday I might inspire others myself. We’ll see. First challenge is going to be 30 days. Now @ Day 2. Feeling okay right now. Wish me luck. .

Kind and motivating regards,

MainVein

 

Thank you for your support Roady,

You mentioning that this is a safe place without judgement is good to know. I feel welcome. I’m really going for it!
Allthough I really had a tough night.
I have a question about that.

I told my wife I am doing this and she supports me.
But somewhere during the night we suddely found ourselfs crawled up against each other. It happend in a subconscious state I guess. Nothing wrong with that, except for the night time wood and horniness of her and me in our sleepmode.
I did become more awake but all I could think about was to give in to the craving, which I did to some extent. There was a short period of penetration and thus we had sex being half asleep.
But because of the increased movement I woke up a bit more and realised my mission statement I just put online and chose to stop midway and did not climax/orgasm. Which was extremely difficult to do.
Is this still a relapse?

Thanks in advance for your reaction.
Apart from that I feel fine today. Even if I havent had much sleep.
On day 3 I already feel more energy. My back pain is already receding a bit. Still not up to go exercising just yet. But a bit more motivation to do something on this new day.

Kind regards,

MainVein

 

Thanx for your reaction StopTheMusic,

I believe I have PIED. Because I catch myself fantasizing about P during sex.
But obviously it workes fine without P. But the images are now there as a constant distraction I guess and cause PE. Yesterday night I had a moment that I had to really focus more on what I was feeling instead of PI images and sounds.
As I said I didnt reach O. Eventually I was strong enough to stop it because I really want to reach the goals I set out for myself. Which also include semen retention.
I know from experience when I would have a 14 or even 30 day noPMO streak. It felt great! But sooner or later after having “normal” sex it would almost always trigger a relapse.
My brain needs to hard reboot.
I think I’ll buy some pyjamas. I believe it will help.

I’m still very excited about this. I know I have a problem and admit to that, but I am also a well thinking (exept for the PMO part) intelligent human being (If I do say so myself). Who has the ability to see things very clearly.
So from that perspective I am very curious to see and experience first hand what a hard reboot (90+ days) will do to a man that has been on PMO for way too long...