Ogling problems

This will mainly be a problem for that initial period immediately after you begin NoFap. The body is craving that artificial sexual stimulation, and since you aren't feeding it porn any more, it tries to find it elsewhere. The 'good' news is that if you manage to fight through it and stick it out for at most a couple of weeks, it should subside.

It's difficult to manage because you can't just shut yourself away from the world in order to avoid seeing any women. I think your best bet is to try to identify the periods in your daily routine where it's most problematic. When is it that you're seeing the most women? At work? On the journey there? At the shops? Try and find something else to focus on during those times. Watch a video on your phone if you can, or get an audiobook to listen to. Ty to develop some kind of unconscious habit. Count the number of a particular object you see for example.

It sounds silly, and it is, but basically you've just got to find a way to focus your attention elsewhere. All you've got to do is tough it out for a while and those strong urges will subside.

 

You're already making progress. Just the fact that you're aware that you're doing it, and not actively staring (I assume, you mentioned peripheral vision).

 

I find myself doing the same type of behavior. The crazy thing is now that I've been more conscious of it I also notice it in other guys as well. When I see them do it I think to myself "sheesh, that's how pathetic I look!"; like a dog that can't stop eyeballing a treat. Now when I catch myself doing it I tell myself "I'm not a dog and women aren't treats".

 

This is a great thread to check out i agree.

 

Not ogling is harder for me then trying not to watch porn. There's women everywhere. I use the ogling scale @Kenzi is mentioning and it does help keep me accountable.

My wife and I have also started an "accountability" thread in our whatsapp. I use the accountability thread through out the day to let my wife know what's going on with with. For example, if I go to a store and I see a woman and my brain starts going nuts even if it's less than a second. As soon as I get outside to my car I let my wife know what happened. Through the app.

When I go somewhere and someone catches my eye I know have a system to help me:
1. See: when I see someone
2. Realize: I realiz what I'm doing
3. Stop: I stop what I'm doing
4. Escape: look away and get my mind. focused somewhere else

There is different things I do to "escape"
1. Look at another guys face. @Reinheit said it best. It just pathetic how use guys look when we ogling.
2. Read anything around me.
3. Look away and find something else to think about.

I hope this is helpful. I know how hard it is not to ogle. In time, it gets easier.

 

Thanks for the shout-out @Kenzi. My list of ogling threads is in this journal post: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/tims-journey.78164/page-6#post-1126070

Although this topic comes up repeatedly each thread does hold some new ideas or perspectives. For example, I'd not seen this before:

I do that too, only mine is worse: I think other guys look pathetic and I assume that I look fine. I'm just in the midst of a discussion about all this with @Iguana, I'm not sure if he's clocked this thread yet.

 

Lol no offense but you all look creepy from my perspective. Outside of NoFap a quick look is fine. Or learn not to get caught. Otherwise we see you gawking and it makes us uncomfortable. I don’t know if it helps to think that your behavior will never get you that woman or that often it makes us afraid. Few if any men will ever understand the feeling a woman has when this type of thing happens. Most of us are very conscious of it and think of how our own actions can stop it. I won’t wear a top that shows my shape, I won’t wear makeup, I won’t go there alone, I won’t make eye contact or speak. And it can be very embarrassing if she’s with others. I recall when I was first out of school walking with my two male bosses both men and guys were staring at me in a business suit some even whistling at me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Just like many men don’t think they look creepy I think many men also think women like it. Most of us don’t at all. I can’t tell you how to stop I wish I could. I like the suggestions but another thing in my opinion is the changing of your mindset and I’m not so sure that’s easy. You have to move from seeing women as sexual objects for your pleasure to your equal. Society struggles with that a lot. I think part of getting there is to have experiences with women in non sexual ways. That’s why I think single sex education is for the birds! If you have a female friend or many with no sex or attraction at all you are more likely to make this transition. But a lot of the men on here did not have that prior to marriage and getting it now is likely not a good idea. But if a man is single this is what I suggest. See women as humans and as your equal. A lot of the creepers (yes that’s what my friends and I call them) tend to be very awkward in general or insecure and inexperienced with women. It’s like me looking at a corevette and appreciating its beauty but knowing that beauty is not all that the car possesses.

 

This is tough. My thoughts are that as men, especially men abstaining from hyper sexualized media we have usually been exposed to for most of our lives, we are going to naturally look for any sexual stimulation we can find while early in our recovery. To me early means less than a year. So I built some rules for myself that have served me well.

Bounce my eyes, and bounce my thoughts.
If I catch myself checking out a woman in a sexual or non sexual way, I immediately bounce my eyes to something innocuous. If I catch myself fantasizing about a woman I have seen, porn I have watched in the past, or any other sexual content that can lead to arousal (exception being my wife) then I bounce my thoughts to something else.

Sometimes its a pretty intense effort. Constantly rebouncing my mind until the thoughts or things I am seeing are no longer there to be seen or thought about. It takes discipline.

Then comes the hardest part for me... The shame, the unnecessary guilt, the inner voices of contempt. These have to be controlled as well. When I start to feel shame that I struggled, even though I successfully continued readjusting my mind and focus and didnt get caught up in any of it, I have to take control of those thoughts and emotions as well. It goes like this.

I visualize myself holding a gun to the shames head, and in a loud stern voice, telling it to “SIT DOWN.” I visualize it trembling in fear and crawling away from me. Then I redirect my thoughts to something wholesome, meaningful, or if nothing else, safe.

One of the best redirections is shifting focus to an online community like this where I can contribute and invest in other peoples recovery as a source of support.

You are strong. Believe you are a strong powerful man, worthy of love, and frame everything in your life, especially PMO, from that position, and defend it with your life.

 

It took me a while, but I've realized that I think of porn or something similar (undressing sex thoughts) when I see a woman that resembles those I enjoyed PMOing to. I think porn is the culprit IN MY CASE, as I'm actively trying to stop, my main motive to stop is that I don't want to feel that I can't approach those women without feeling shameful and weak.
I think that those who have a problem with this should stop and think how far their "checking out" goes (do you undress them? have sexual thoughts?) and wether porn has anything to do with it, I want to think that I can see a beautiful woman just as what she is, a beautiful human being, problem is that I can't when this beauty is coupled with what fuels my porn induced fantasies, should I be more attracted to these women? should I have a different criteria for beauty? should I avoid the completely? Do I really find them beautiful? how should I feel towards a big butt vs a pretty face/eyes?? I wish this journey answers these questions

PS: When I mention "these women" I mean women with body parts that I used to look for when binging on P

 

These 2 things are not exclusive! I often see women as beautiful, sexy creatures, but by no means do I not see them as my equal. In fact, I often erroneously consider them to be MORE than my equal because, not only are they intelligent people like myself, some of them are physically gorgeous!

Appreciating a woman's sexiness does NOT mean a guy doesn't consider her his equal!

 

I feel women who get a lot of looks are SO spoiled. And when they complain, it makes me think of a rich man complaining to a poor man that he has trouble deciding each night which kind of caviar to eat, and which bottle of port wine to drink!

 

Maybe you're too young or porn has really affected you, but how can you read GG2002's comment and not understand how shitty it feels? When you're out in the street doing your work, you're not supposed to be thinking about sex, only creeps and PA's do that, you want to focus on your job yet everyone around you is not only sexualizing you but also objectifying you.

 

You're not the first to assume that @Iguana, I remember this post on another thread:

And as you say ...

We are getting honest testimonies in @GG2002's post and in @Kenzi's thread The "Feels" of Ogling (a Females Perspective), ignoring them because they disagree with our own preconceptions seems unwise.

All that said I do enjoy the variety of fellow addicts here on NoFap. That I can agree with @Thomas Smith's first post in this thread (and find it useful) and then totally disagree with his very next post seems great.

 

I invite you to check my thread, I'm interested in what you think about the topic.

 

I think part of it is empathy lacks and many have a hard time putting themselves in others shoes. And ultimately if you see something as an object you can’t empathize with it.

 

Agree.
You don't emphasize when you drop and chip a coffee mug.

 

I can't talk for "normal" guys, but I think I never really understood women(as a teenager), what drove them, in my mind where all I could think of for both pleasure and validation was sex (what else amiright) I could not understand these beings that I thought had the key to my pleasure and self worth and why they acted the way they acted, after falling in love with a beautiful person and growing up combined with my attempt to cure my addiction to porn I have understood so much, it's really unsettling how one can't see reality as it is. I can see how some men never break out of the bubble and I feel both relieved I can see some truths and scared about how everything I know might be wrong again

 

Hmmm... GG2002, did you read what I wrote? Not only do I not see sexy women as objects, but I often think of them as GREATER than me, which I know is incorrect. But, of course, I don't have empathy for women who get attention - empathy requires that I have experienced what they have. I have not. I can have sympathy for them though, and I do (a little).

 

Might I add , what ogling does to a woman at the gym , minding her own business trying to be healthy , and she feels the oogling ? Me ? It halts my work out , I run slower and skip butterflies all together lol so you are in fact affecting my health