Ogling/Fantasizing = Delayed healing/No full reboot?

Hi All,

I'm posting here to get as many perspectives as possible.

During a long (but generally good) talk with my SO, I addressed my concerns re: ogling. He admitted he still does it and definitely leans into the side of fantasizing (mentally undressing/ imagining sex with etc.) and not just seeing/ acknowledging attractive people which would be normal and totally ok. He admitted to STARING. I told him that it makes me not want to go out in public with him, and I even have anxiety re: watching movies/TV/etc. with him. Triggers everywhere!!!

He has given up P (almost 5 months now) and maybe Ms once a month I learned. Still, beyond initial progress, some (PI?)ED remains as does DE.

It just occurred to me as I'm trying to sleep (of course) that the ogling is essentially a psub and could be preventing healing/rebooting. I've read that happens a lot on here, delaying progress or full-on preventing reboot.

What do you all think? I was going to say or write the following to him (I'm going out of town for a week). Im hoping it will help him see what might really be going on, like quitting P itself did initially. Am I being reasonable here? If so, does anyone have any articles to reference to back it up? Any tips to help him quit this?

"You mentioned the last few weeks have been especially rough and you've been more prone to ogling/fantasizing. We talked about how it releases dopamine which is why, as you admitted, it makes you feel good when you do it. But that was also what P did and why it affected our sex life so adversely. That wiring to novelty (especially bad with the streaming) is what makes it difficult for you to perform with me. So the ogling/ fantasizing is really just a P substitute which is preventing your brain from fully rewiring. This could explain some of our sex issues lately too. Your medications haven't changed but you admitted to lower moods and more freely staring at women during the same time period, almost as a way to cope with feeling depressed which is what you did with P. It could also be the reason we haven't really progressed any further than we have sex-wise and are still dealing with ED/DE. It's kind of like you quit smoking but are still wearing a nicotine patch."

Anything i can add/change? Thanks for any input you can offer!

 

I did find this. You really can find everything on Pinterest.

http://www.sexaddictionscounseling.com/ogling-women-can-real-problem/

 

Thanks for the input. "You even said" and either "you stated," "you noted," or "you told me" might work better? Less aggressive certainly

 

Thanks for the constructive feedback all. Lack of sleep and the late hour while staring down travel made me a bit more hostile than I would like to be. But I am mad and do want to impress upon him the seriousness of everything. However, I do not want to put him on the defensive right up front with my tone. Whatever I can do to deliver my message so it is better received is the way to go.

 

I'd also welcome thoughts, opinions, and personal experiences on how just ogling/fantasizing in the way I noted above might have affected recovery for yourselves and/or your partners. This is a continual learning experience. Thanks again.