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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.
Well YES Duh lol
#8 Because They Sincerely Hate That They're Hurting Their Partner
Sometimes addicts will lie to protect their partner from a truth that might seem unbearably painful. Addicts are rarely out to break the heart of their partners, or to destroy their partner's sense of self-worth and value ... but these are the natural consequences of addictive sexual behavior. Despite the fact that every SO insists that lying is even worse, addicts often refuse to believe that and hide the truth out of a sense of protecting the heart of their partner. While it is the wrong course of action, it can come from a place of sincerity.
Yeah. But in the end it's lying. Which is a trust thing. Which is the foundation of the whole problem.
unfortunately that is a pretty apt description. Out emotional development it's stunted fo sho. Sure not fair to you though!
I get you really want to know his head. And have him take unqualified responsibility and just be a fricken adult. But he's not there yet. Is it worth pushing all these things now?
so the irony here is thick. I know this doesn't apply to the SOs here, but how cliche is it that women aren't interested in sex unless all the lovey build up is done just right? After a tense conversation? Never.
super fan has this right. It's a mind fuck, but it's honestly how some PAs think
Recovery starts when integrity begins.
p.s. @novibe - glad you are enjoying Vicki Tidwell Palmer's blog posts. You might be able to find some audio recordings on You-Tube or ???
Hearing her wisdom in her voice has been helpful. She is soothing. She's been through betrayal trauma too.
"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." - CS Lewis
I wasn't trying to excuse lying ... I was trying to illustrate that lying is not automatically malicious by nature, that it can actually come from a place of love, albeit a misguided one.
For instance, here's a very common lie:
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." (when the respondent is most definitely not fine)
The lie is told to avoid a big confrontation, for whatever reason ... but typically to protect the relative peace of that moment, that day, that relationship, whatever.
If Nazis came to your door in 1945 and asked, "Are there any Jews here," what would be the more noble thing to do? "As a man of morality, I must confess that I'm hiding an entire Jewish family in my basement." Nonsense.
Would it be wrong to tell comforting un-truths to someone who was dying in a hospice bed?
Like virtually all addicts, I had to be caught before I sought help. And I had to be caught because I was terrified that the person I cared about most would leave if I told her the truth. For SO's, think about the virtual hell that must be--engaging in an activity that you cannot seem to stop, no matter how hard you try, and knowing that if you confess it, there's a high risk of losing the most important and truly valuable things in your life (marriage, family, possibly career, etc). No wonder addicts lie their asses off. I'm not excusing the addict's lies. But I am saying some empathy and grace might be in order for addicts who are contrite.
BOTH partners deserve empathy and grace. They both have tremendous pain.
An important point to understand, though, is the addict knew all along the secrets and lies. The spouse/partner did not. Often, her reality was shattered.
"While sex addicts face many serious challenges in their effort to get sober, their spouses and partners likely have it even harder."
"...the betrayed partner is usually somewhat blindsided by the revelation. Typically, it’s not the cheating itself or any specific sexual act that causes the deepest pain, it’s the betrayal of relationship trust caused by consistent lying. ..."
If people affected by sex addiction are in a relationship and trying to recover, they can benefit from trying to understand what *the other* is going through.
I think we're on the exact same page, here.
Woooohooooo! That is wonderful!!!
Thank you for your feedback!
Yes, you are right. It probably isn't worth pushing right now, but, while flooded, I just can't help it. Trauma speaks...
And I do understand what you mean by the sex vs. tense conversation thing. I do. But I don't want him to disconnect and go into his head, when he is tense/stressed. We don't need to have sex, but connect somehow, not hide.
Yeah, I love her blog. It feels so... wise
I found some podcast with her too, and I agree with you on her voice being so soothing. I will look up videos too. I have been reading so much lately that I almost forgot about YT.
@novibe - here's one:
you are correct, sorry I reacted too quickly yesterday...(can you tell that is a sore spot for me?!?!)
Along the lines of what @SuperFan was saying above, not to excuse the behavior but to add a little illumination about it, your SO retreating "into his head" is actually a step in the right direction imo. The uncomfortable conversations and such you and your SO are having are great, but they are also exactly the sort of anxiety that us PAs would normally retreat from into a dopamine fap fest. So if he's not doing that, then in some sense he's feeling a bunch of shit he hasn't felt in a long time, maybe never as an adult. And he honestly probably doesn't know how/what to do with it that right or healthy.
Here's not making the right decision yet, which is to connect, but from here it looks like he's making progress.
Thank you! It's nice to hear words of support and encouragement. Yeah, when I think about it some more, that's definitely better than the past behavior
Thank you!!! I really love her stuff
And you're not wrong to want to encourage him to get out of his head, just be gentle and be aware this is likely all brand new ground for him.
I'm in a similarish place myself. One piece of recovery I don't see mentioned much, is just this. for some of us that have been doing this all of our adult lives, we never learned good and healthy ways to process difficult emotions. I didn't see that coming. I thought I was just quitting porn. Lol
Exactly!!! Sobriety is really just the beginning and a rather small (even easy for some) part of RECOVERY. Remember, you are RECOVERING a real, healthy, happy, *original* you, and that might be "VERY long time ago you" for a lot of PAs, and often that you is still very immature and needs to grow up, and fast.