1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Not telling her about relapses

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by WhoCares101, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    157
    393
    63
    That's like asking why you can't just set yourself on fire.
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  2. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Well I have done that in the past, some rather ugly self mutilation scars still haunt my arms and will for the rest of my life. Frankly when it comes to how much I hate her aunt and uncle I have considered this again as well. Porn leaves less noticeable scars.
     
  3. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    157
    393
    63
    This should be an a-ha moment for you.
    You've been using porn to medicate instead of facing your stressors. I get it, I was a cutter for 13 years. I stopped the day I found out I was pregnant with my son. It takes rock bottom or a miracle to break a bad habit, or to stop doing things that are hurting you and your loved ones.
    That patient woman and those girls are your miracle.
    Forget the BS you can't control (aunt and uncle, idiots at work etc)
    Put all your focus into being the best YOU can be despite.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    Nothing and no one makes you relapse. Using that kind of verbiage is an addict's way of taking the responsibility off of themselves. You have the tools and skills to avoid seeking out porn and PMO as a way to comfort yourself and you know how to use them, yet you do it anyway. That is a choice.
     
  5. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Hate is such a strong word. What can you do to not feel such anger towards a person?
     
    samnf1990 likes this.
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    OP should really think about your advice. It's amazing
     
    samnf1990 and Katrina Rose like this.
  7. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Hate is a strong word, that is why it is used to describe my feelings for people who are using and abusing someone I love. I would love to do lots, kick their lazy peice of shit asses to the curve, I would hate them a lot less If I did not have to see them every day mentally abusing my girlfriend and her kids. Hate is the only feeling that can be had for these kind of trash crap. They have bled her financially for years and now that I am paying bills they are draining me as well. Unfortunately because they are my girlfriends family, they are not going anywhere anytime soon, she would kick me out before them and let the bank take her house, that's what kind of mentality abusive pull they have on her. Do you know what it's like to watch someone you love being abused like that? It freaking kills me and it's not a dynamic I can change. So I will have to just keep it shut, hate them like they deserve and struggle with porn more.
     
  8. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Oh I have known for a long time, even before realizing it was an addiction why I struggled with porn. There is no a-ha moment to be had. I also know why I burnt the shit out of myself to feel a small shred of a feeling. And yeah, eventually I will forget the BS I can't control, the last time though I did that I gave myself some scars that prevent me from ever wearing a short sleeved shirt. I can still hate people, I can still hate the people who are abusing my girlfriend and preventing us from ever having a real home. Eventually that will all get numbed because I love her and I will just become a shell. It takes to get to the empty shell though.
     
  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Maybe if you started to feel less hate, you could be open to understanding & changing the situation?
    Hate takes a lot of valuable time & energy.
    Also, it's apparent you & your gf don't communicate well. If you did & you're being honest, why would you keep a gf that you believe will choose her "trailer trash family members" over you?
     
    samnf1990 likes this.
  10. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    I had lots of tools and skills for avoiding PMO. Any number of hobbies, things and places. Those are all gone, never to return. I was very close to making a living doing something I loved, now that is gone as well and without a place to build in anymore that dream is dead. I dont have the funds to make that dream live again and at the rate I'm burning through my life savings making sure 2 people I hate have a roof over their head, the funds wont ever be there.
     
  11. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Please read my journals. Yes, I do know. My husbands mother has been a major player in the reason he is an addict, yet, he won't cut that abusive cord.
    I get it. We all do, around here....
     
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'm probably way overstepping my boundaries here, but I really feel like you have had some pain in your life. Have you thought of counseling?
    You were put on earth for a reason. Enough with the excuses, self-pity, & anger. You control your outcome. Start figuring out the why's.
     
    Katrina Rose and EyesWideOpen like this.
  13. Toby430

    Toby430 Fapstronaut

    67
    271
    53
    Yeah i agree, you have to be honest in order to feel better to continue forward. This will hinder your progress if youre not up front with her. Tell her please. She can help you.
     
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    So find a new dream. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and propel yourself forward.
     
  15. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    400
    668
    93
    "Never to return" is not in your power to know. You can work towards reintroducing your hobbies, just as you can work towards a pmo-free life. I understand the value of venting, and doing so here is better than unbottlig your rage in front of or directed towarss your partner. But your rants do seem like rants. It seems that you are painting yourself as an innocent victim wih no power over their situation. If your GF wants to support her family who pay no rent, then you can eiher agree and accept that, or you can have a discussion about why you think it is a bad idea. To accept someone's charity is not necessarily abusive. It is a totally one-sided exchange, sure, but are they causing her as much pain or upset as they are causing you? If she wants to accept their living there and contribute financially, that is her choice. If you agree to that arrangement then it will be better for you to accept it internally too, and not stop letting it bother you.

    If you look for reasons to be unhappy, you will find them. If you look for reasons to be in pain, you will find them. If you look for excuses to relapse and PMO, you will find them.

    But...

    If you look for reasons to be happy, you will find them. If you look for reasons to feel joy, you will find them. If you look for reasons to stay strong and keep away from P and M, you will find them. Your partner and her kids are those reasons. The rest is just noise. You can obsess about it, or you can filter it out and focus on what is important.

    Considering how you have dealt with your emotions and problems in the past, I wpuld suggest that therapy would be a great way of getting help in making positive changes in your life. Learning to focus on the positive (of which there is a lot for you to be happy about) and findig healthy ways to deal with pain and adversity will be a lot easier with the help of a professional.

    Another suggestion from me: you do not need you own woodshop to do woodwork. Find someone else's you can borrow. Sign up to a class. Borrow tools and work outdoors when the weather allows. Or indulge in other hobbies that have fewer prerequisites to participate in. Find new hobbies. Running or walking just require a pair of shoes. Reading can be done anywhere. Writing or drawing/painting is similarly portable and also exercises the creativity that you put to good use in woodwork.

    Focus on the positive, not the negative, and you will feel so much better. Even if you feel like utter shit right now, every little helps.

    Good luck.
     
  16. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Not doing well again. Once more I've relapsed and I can't get control of things. I've not found the moments to say anything to my girlfriend again. The stress from her aunt and uncle's domestic abuse is getting worse and it's just starting fights and stress. Trying to contact domestic abuse centers for help but I am finding no advice or help being a male, which is insane, and no one will over even a little advice because she is not the one reaching out. I've never before experienced this much stress before and it starting to feel like a constant anchor on my entire being. Then I have to go home and watch my girlfriend be mentally and financially abused by her shitty aunt and uncle. I'm being drained by them as well, I'm burning my life savings because of their bills for their house on the property. They abuse even my girlfriends daughter's and I have to bite my tongue for stability sake with the kids. Unsure what to do anymore.
     
  17. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    That's strange, our DV/SV justice center doesn't turn males away, there are male vic of DV and SV. They may not say anything to you because you're reaching out instead of her, but there are tons of resources online for DV and SV. Will she call or walk-in to one of the centers in your area?
     
  18. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    I have contacted 4 domestic abuse centers in my area, 2 did not respond, one said they cany help unless she calls and one flat out said they cant help me because I'm a guy trying to help his girlfriend and they reserve the right to refuse help to males, which I felt was very strange.

    I tossed out domestic abuse once to her as to what her aunt and uncle are doing and she did not want to listen, she came to their defense, which because of the research into domestic abuse I had done I backed off as to not alienate her. I am unsure how to float the idea of her going someplace to for information on the forms domestic abuse can take. She knows abuse in some of the worse ways and I honestly think in her mind what her aunt and uncle are doing is not registering as abuse because of her history or abuse, if that makes sense. I think in her minds it's better than what happened when she was young and better than a 7 year relationship that was total mentally abusive. She does not yet want to talk to someone about her history of abuse so I highly doubt she will call or walk in and from the 2 centers I talked to they did not sound like they would want me going with her.

    Ultimately it's tough because I will never break up with her because I love her and of the fear of how her aunt and uncle will bleed her and steal her kids if someone is not there to protect them. But I cannot push her to hard or else she will retreat more to them. Hell, if she broke up with me, AND her aunt and uncle I would happy, broken because she broke up with me but happy she was free of them.

    I truly believe her aunt and uncle are going to make a play one day to try and take her kids from her. Not sure one what ground they could, but they are always trying to push her from her kids lives and that bugs me most of all.
     

Share This Page