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Not telling her about relapses

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by WhoCares101, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Hello. So it's all a long and boring story but the short version is as follows. Addicted to porn since I was 6 or 7, spent formative young dating years watching a lot of porn. Into 20s I was PMOing at least 2 times a day and into my 30s it was the much of the same. Avoided dating and sex because of porn leaving me a 32 year old virgin. Then at beginning of 2018 I found nofap and had one relapse at day 10 of original run.

    Then with growing confidence in my second run at about day 30 I went on my first ever date with my now girlfriend Amber. I would eventually "kinda" loose my virginity to her, I say kinda because it would be a long road before I managed to maintain an erection and even climax with her. But it was after the disaster that was our first time having sex that I told her about my addiction and porn troubles. I was terrified that by not performing I had ruined things with this amazing woman so when I told her I was a virgin who was a porn addict some things came into focus for her. She accepted it and she even did research into porn addiction and nofap helping her understand more.

    Moving forward 8 months I am living with her and her 2 amazing kids, I love them all and we are talking about the future.

    But two weeks at 289 days of no PMO I relapsed, did not tell her and moved on. Then again last week I relapsed again and have not said anything to her. I am struggling with loosing my home, and while we had already been talking about moving in together after only 3 months, loosing my home kinda for forcing my hand was traumatic. All my stuff is in n storage with no sign it's ever gonna get out of storage and I have very little time for me anymore. I went from living by myself for 13 years to living with 3 people, 2 of them kids who want lots of attention. Not to be a total scumbag but it's been a hard adjustment not having a woodshop anymore, a time to watch movies which was a huge hobby of mine or have time to even sit at read.

    I am now at 2 weeks not telling her about my first relapse I am scared to do so, more so as time goes on. She is struggling with quitting smoking and a job she hates and some traumatic relationships in her past. I'm scared to tell her anything, especially as I am starting over after tossing away s 289 day streak. She will feel guilty that I relapsed, because it was me being selfish about not having anything that's mine anymore and struggling with my home being stolen. I don't want her feeling guilty for me being a selfish asshole.

    Any advice? Stories? Critics? All would welcome.
     
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Tell her, the longer the wait the worse it's going to get, take it from an SO who has been traumatized more so by the lies than the acting out.

    She won't be happy about it, it may hurt, but she will Respect You for being honest. You control you, you can't control her emotions and her reactions, all you can do is be there to support her if she needs it, and if she is feeling guilty over your relapse, remind her this is Your Addiction, it's Your Responsibility and this has nothing to do with her
     
  3. She already knows about it, she brought you here. Staying open and honest with her is extremely important. Sure might be upset, but she will see you are being honest and back to work on things.
    Make sure she understands it is not her. Keep the talk about you and what happened. Answer any questions she might have.
     
  4. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Believe I feel like shit about not telling her. I wanted to tell her the first time I relapsed 2 weeks ago, I did not have the chance that night, sick throwing up kids and exhausted adults. Its not an excuse but it got more difficult to tell her about as the days went on. Then my relapse last week was just as weak.

    Well I was more than ready to move into another place, we had already been talking about moving in together but it was gonna happen a lot slower than it did. She basically broke down in tears when I even suggested moving some place else. Part of the plan was to build a woodshop before I officially moved in, now money is spent in a hundred different directions, there is no chance of a woodshop getting built for me anytime soon. So I can't build anything anymore and can't live sell my woodworking stuff anymore, which has been very hard, building stuff was huge for me.

    Actually because of her past relationship trauma and very traumatic trauma as a teenager she will blame herself. If I'm late to work because of traffic she blames herself. She struggles with this a lot because of her past. Her past trauma has been a struggle for me to deal with, not because it makes me love her less but instead because of just how bad the trauma was and that she has never dealt with it properly. I was the first one she ever told about her trauma and it was a heavy load to handle and caused me a lot of sleeplessness knowing such bad things could happen to her. The father of her kids made her feel guilty and shame about everything, even paying the Bill's because he could not man up and do so. I have never made her feel shame or guilty about anything but she still blames herself a lot which has been a struggle. But I love her and he is worth the effort.


    Thank you for everything you said I am telling her tonight, kids permitting but I will make the effort tonight.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  5. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    I'm also with those who say "Tell her as soon as possible".
    I may be biased, as my PA does not communicate with me at all and has never told me anything, and honestly I'd rather he came and told me he just came back from an orgy than be stuck where I am now, with not knowing.
    Also if you hide it once, then twice, it is a very dangerous route to take. What if you slipped into a total hell of a relapse (although of course I hope you don't) and you decided to come clean and she asked if there hadn't been any signs it would happen? Would you lie again? Or would you then admit to the previous lapses, adding to all the hurt?
    I honestly believe that the only chance of success for a relationship with a PA is his staying accountable in real time. It happens, you tell her, you work through it, identify what went wrong, move on.
    Good luck.
     
    Jennica and Numb like this.
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    My recovery of over a year was ruined by what could have been a reset. Through fear I chose not to let my wife know about it. This simple reset happened again a few times and I was back to my old habits and the resulting frustration, anxiety and self-loathing. I felt like a walking contradiction. Once I shared my relapse with my wife, I felt able to achieve success in my recovery again. I was making myself accountable to my actions. I was reaffirming my intention to quit, not protecting the behaviour that I told myself I was quitting, and yet went back to several times. Accepting what you have done, and committing to moving forward and past it, includes owning up to what you did. If you keep it a secret and carry on as you are, the negative behaviour remains protected and you are not held accountable, and you may escalate to your pre-relationship PMO habits and usage levels, inviting the PIED and DE back into your life and your relationship. Your partner, I'm sure, would prefer that your volunteer this confession now, rather than down the line when your failure to perform in the bedroom forces the explanation.
     
    JustSadPorn and Committed to One like this.
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’m not going to hijack . BUT what you wrote in the simplest terms is PERFECT on why you can’t NOT tell when a slip occurs . I copied and pasted it for later like I do to share with my SO
     
  8. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Well I told her about the relapses last night. It went how I predicted it would go knowing her like I do. She was not mad at all, she tried to blame herself in any number of ways and we cried.

    I was not expect her to be mad or upset, which she was not. She said that I did not even have to tell her because it was something I started before we even get together. She said that my addiction struggles was something I never had to tell her 9 months ago. She was happy I did tell her though.

    As I thought she also felt guilty. There was a lot, "have I been tempting you to much, lack of sex, what am I doing wrong?" Knowing how she is prone to blame herself I tried my best to deflect past these thing assuring her it was nothing she did.

    All said and done trying to move on.
     
    TryingToHeal and Jennica like this.
  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Spitfirewho do you know if she is co-dependent? It sounds like she doesn't have clear boundaries of you versus her. I know you mentioned trauma and bad past relationships, has she ever addressed this?
     
    samnf1990 and Jennica like this.
  10. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    She has never addressed her past trauma. The trauma itself was of a horrible sexual nature when she was 14. In fact I was the first person she ever told about some truly horrific trauma in her past. Its the kind of thing that after she told me I was sleepless for days, even 6 months later it still gives me nightmares, both waking and sleeping. She has had 15 years to push down the trauma and not think about it but it worries me she has never talked about it professionally. She has said she would talk about it one day but its something that I can't push hard on for fear of making the trauma worse. I have spent some time on trauma forums seeking advice but it seems people seeking advice for helping others is NOT welcome in that community and has left me to a lot of dead ends trying to find resources. It has been a delicate tight rope of all kinds navigating my addiction, her past trauma but I am the first person who ever cared about her wellbeing enough to even care her feelings in this matter so she is having to adjust to dating someone who truly loves her.

    As for the codependency? Probably. Because of past trauma and a 7 year mentality abusive relationship she has never had an identity that is hers. I have only just begun researching codependency notice things here and there but she knows I am very different from past relationships and has begun to I think work on these issues in her own way. She is getting better seeing how different I am from others.
     
    Numb likes this.
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    If you have any trauma questions, feel free to ask me or PM me, I've been sexually assaulted and raped twice and help sexual and domestic violence victims now, so if I can help you understand trauma dynamics in any way, let me know.

    Co-dependancy is something that @TheMightyQuinn knows a lot about and maybe he can shed some light, info, on how to help or have her address it, etc.
     
    samnf1990 likes this.
  12. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    It does feel better and I'm glad we talked about it together.

    Her blaming herself is a tough road. Its because of a mentally abusive relationship she was in for 7 years that she does this. The father her 2 kids is a scumbag who walked out on her when she was 7 months pregnant and feel down a flight of stairs that left her unable to walk and a 90% chance of loosing the baby. She baby is now a healthy hyper 4 year old who fought like hell to survive and Amber walks relatively fine, if not with some lingering pain. She blamed herself after he left because he manipulated her into thinking it was all her fault. I saw this early in our relationship and have tried my best, non-aggressively, to constantly reassure that thinks that are not her fault are just that, not her fault. She has gotten better but I was well aware something like this was heavy and she would want to revert to blaming herself, which I did not let her do by simply diverting the conversation away from blame.
     
  13. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Wow. Poor, poor woman. She deserves some relief from horrible men making bad decisions in her life. But I can’t blame her wanting to blame herself. Nobody, including you, has reassured her that she’s worthy.
     
  14. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    Im sorry, what? I reassure her constantly that she is worthy. Worthy to accept herself, worthy to accept her kids, worthy to be accepted by her kids and worthy to be loved like a beautiful woman should be loved. I'm the first person ever to call beautiful, I tell her every day she is amazing and beautiful and how fucking lucky I am to have found her. When she shut down the first time we had a fight, I was the first person ever to see total physical and mental change that happened in a split second and boom, the fight was other, I sent the next hour begging her to come back to me from whatever place she shut down to. When she got really sick on our first weekend alone together she could not fathom someone taking care of her like I did she kept telling me to go home and let her fend for herself, i did not leave her side for a second. I am the first person to ever get her flowers, or write her a love note or hold hands with her never wanting to let go. I worship this woman, I put on her socks every morning because of the pain she suffers from her fall. Because of a chronic illness she has, there will come a day when she had overwhelming pain and I tell her every chance I get that I am not leaving for anything in the world, that I will be there for her to take care of her. I love this woman more than life itself, love her kids more than life itself and will fight to take care of them through good and bad times. I'm not saying this to show off the kind of upstanding guy i am, I'm saying this to show off she is an amazing woman I would do anything for. Yeah I fucked up and did not tell her i relapsed, I own that now, won't happen again but don't judge me on how much I reassure or love her because it is constant and undying.
     
  15. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Try not to take some of the replies too personal. We are looking in from the outside and of course don't know your relationship or its dynamics. Also many of the SO are hurting badly and we can be triggered. It isn't personal to you. There are many times I have to stop reading because it is so triggering to me. It sounds like you are doing a lot for her(and yourself) and commend you on it. I hope she is able to get the help she needs. At least she has your support. Good luck to both of you, keep being open and honest with her and maybe it will help her to want to help herself.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  16. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Does your behaviour tell her that she is worthy? It will do when you beat this PMO addiction. Your love for her and what you do for her are all really important, but to be true to that, to yourself and to her, you need to stop the PMO. That is the sort of bad decision that tells her she is not worthy, whether you intended the action to carry that meaning or not.

    Choosing to come clean was a huge step and a huge message that she deserves the truth. She also deserves the P-free man that you have been before, and will be again.

    Keep at it, but try not to be over-defensive when SOs on this site tell you what it feels like to be betrayed this way. Your own partner is probably too scared to tell you exactly how you have made her feel.
     
  17. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    I have included her in every aspect of nofap. She tossed away my old porn DVD collection. She was the one who deleted my old collection on my computer and went through that computer with a fine toothed comb deleting anything she felt would be triggering. Over 20 years of PMO had left me with some serious PIED, she has been instrumental in helping me along with "fixing" that, as much as it can be fixed.

    I had every intention of coming clean about my first relapse as I was driving home that day, then I get then I get the call her 2 girls are puking sick and i snap into helping mode. I raced around getting meds, perceptions, popsicles, to help these 2 girls whom i love as if they were my own, and honestly if the day comes I will adopt then without a seconds hesitation. Amber needs more sleep than I do for her shitty office job so she went to bed early as I spent the evening and night tending to sick kids. I'm not using the kids as an excuse for not saying anything in the days to come, I have never had this kind of responsibility before. I went from a single guy living on my own for 13 years whose biggest responsibility was remembering to buy TP, to caring for sick kids, parent teacher meetings, play dates, day care payments, riding lessons, scumbag biological dads who sing care enough to call his daughters, snuggling with a little girl who is having trouble sleeping or had nightmares. This has all been an overwhelming thing at times for me but I would not change it for the world because I love these 2 kids without question. I have also never been in a relationship before, that in itself is still a concept that makes my brain hurt. Amber never thought she would find a guy willing to stay up all night with her sick kids or play Barbies with them. I never thought I would have a girlfriend or have kids call me dad. Again not an excuse, not by any means. Coming clean to her about relapsing was kind of an afterthought behind figuring out my new life, "girls are healthy again, bills payed, lawn mowed, Amber's birthday vacation in 2 weeks planned, girls' Halloween costumes made, food for week bought, housework done. Oh yeah I relapsed and have to talk with Amber about that."

    Sorry for being defensive about those comments, but I refuse to be lumped into or compared to the scumbags in her past. People who raped her, abused her, mentally screwed with her and made not only her but her kids feel like shit. She literally saved my life by allowing me to be a lover to her and a parent to her daughters. She knows I feel guilty about not coming clean right away, her first response after tell her was, "and knowing you, you have been kicking your ass all week not saying anything, I know you hate to keep things to yourself like that."
     
  18. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    To be put into that group of men who have hurt her is unavoidable. You are a man who has hurt her. That does not make you the same as the others who have caused a greater type and a greater anount of hurt. It means you share the specific trait of having hurt her, and of being a man. To continue increasing the gap between who you are and these 'scumbags', keep going with your nofap journey and keep up the honesty.
     
  19. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly. To me, no matter what my husband does and how nicely he treats me and what compliments he gives me- the fact that he’s chosen porn over me means he does not value me or this marriage. And for me, fortunately, this is the first time anything like that has happened to me. But I feel absolutely heartbroken for your wife and I can’t imagine what it’s added to her self-blame. Over and over.
     
  20. WhoCares101

    WhoCares101 Fapstronaut

    See I have just more problems lately. The house we live in has 2 buildings on the property, one for her and I and the girls and another fornher peice of shit white trash aunt and uncle. Her and I pay half the houseBill's, her peice of shit aunt and uncle pay NOTHING. They make plans never including me. Last weekend they parked FOUR broken down junk cars in the front yard, and a damn junk boat. Now the place looks like white trash central. This is the crap I struggle with. They dont ask anyone, or at least I'm not included in the conversation, and junk cars get parked on the lawn while they pay no rent or anything. One of the cars in fact is from an ex of hers, something she asked if I wanted at the house and u said kindly no. Okay done, she said when she respects that fine, we can't seek the junker because we dont have the title and she would have to contact the ex to get the title and we both dont want that. So boom now this junker from one of her exes is now parked on the lawn as well, without a care what anyone else feels about it. This is the crap that made me relapse. Then I get to my shitty job and cannot help but be annoyed by this crap. I love my girlfriend to death, I knew her aunt and uncle were there when I was forced to move but its bothering me more and more every time I pay bills and yet the ones who dont pay bills are calling the shots making what could be a really nice property look like white trash. I dont have anyplace to build, anyplace to watch movies or have my things and then of course all I can think is, "why the hell can't I look at some porn?" Just venting.
     

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