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Not sure how to move on

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Johns80, Nov 13, 2017.

  1. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    My SO is 75 days PMO free. It’s been a rough road but things were picking up...until he went out of town. He went to visit some friends. These are great guys and they got together to drink beer and watch football (wives and kids around). There would be absolutely no funny business with these guys (like going to a strip club). So I wasn’t worried. But when he got home I initiated sex because I missed him. He totally rejected me by saying he was tired from staying up late and had a headache from drinking plus the long drive. I completely lost it.Sobbing. My self esteem has been put through the meat grinder with this whole thing so I’m already feeling not good enough. He said he has no idea what to do. That there are going to be times he doesn’t feel it and doesn’t know what to say so I don’t feel rejected or think that he’s PMOed.

    A few days later we saw an EFT therapist and it made things worse. Right away she jumped into D-day and had me describe everything I felt and honestly it was like living it all over again. It was really detrimental to us both. After that he said hedoesn’t think this is going to workbecause he can’t ever make me happy. He said he’s destroyed my life and I’m better off without him. That he can barely live with what he’sdone.

    I told him I love him, that he made a mistake, but we’ve taking steps toheal and move on. But I don’t know how to heal or move on or help him forgive himself.
     
  2. Yanis

    Yanis Fapstronaut

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    First of all: I am not married and never was. And I did not have a long-term relationship.

    Are you sure?

    Not easy to understand. As a husband or bf I would have some longing to return home and have sex with my wife or gf.

    The NO-PMO-journey and the rebooting are not easy. Many guys have a relapse and run away. Others make a new start. Maybe it's the strength to be honest. Either you have it or you don't have it. And if you feel not strong enough to be honest to your wife, to friends or this community you still have the possibility to ask or pray for strength. First you have to be honest to others and yourself, you have to accept and like yourself. This is what only your SO can do.
     
  3. Iwantmorefromlife

    Iwantmorefromlife Fapstronaut

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    I have tested my wife's patience and love for me constantly for my deep addiction to PMO. I would tell her that I was going to give up, with full intention of doing so, but then lose strength due to stress or tiredness. I used to feel so deeply guilty and ashamed for letting her down, that I would hide it, and then she would look on my tablet and find porn and get upset with me for ruining the trust again. I don't know how many times she has forgiven me, but her love keeps giving me the confidence to keep fighting it.
    I'm not relating our 2 situations or accusing your SO of hiding anything, so please don't read into like that. My point is that the strength you give him being strong, listening to his thoughts and sadness and showing you are there for him, supporting him on this journey, means the world to him, and any of us in his situation. My wife has lost it with me, and I have almost constantly felt like I'm not good enough for her. But we love each other, and what is marriage but an opportunity for a mirror to be put up by your partner showing you, not just where you can improve, but what's good about you. Good luck to you both.
     
    Hopefulgirl and Yanis like this.
  4. Yanis

    Yanis Fapstronaut

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    Even I am not porn-addicted and in no relationship - these lines really inspire me. Thanks.
     
  5. Iwantmorefromlife

    Iwantmorefromlife Fapstronaut

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    :) thank you @Yanis . True love is worth fighting for.
     
  6. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    I don't really know what to say, but I am really glad you shared this. As a guy who used porn, I can really identify with what your husband was feeling. I can imagine he's feeling down and guilty and worthless. And I can definitely appreciate how you feel not good enough.
    There were two things that really caught my attention in what you wrote. First was, "because I missed him" and the second was, "[he] doesn’t know what to say so I don’t feel rejected." Both of you are thinking of the other - I take these as evidence you love each other and think that is great! What do you think?
    I'm really feeling with you guys. How have things been in the last two weeks?

    If the EFT therapy isn't working for you, maybe look into ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or even this TED talk on resilience.
     
  7. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    EFT was not good mainly because of the therapist. She just wasn’t our style. So we’re looking for someone else and have hopes we’ll find someone who can help.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    EFT didn't work for us either.
    CBT did wonders for our healing. Whether you choose a different therapist or a different therapy, good luck.
     
  9. "if you keep looking back, you're gonna trip going forward" - gucci mane
     
    Kenzi likes this.

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