Not sure how to deal anymore

This is my first post to NoFap
So I apologize in advance for how long this will be. To be honest im not sure this is the site for me as the Porn & Masturbation aspect to this site doesnt apply to me. I dont watch porn, i dont masturbate and I certainly dont have sex. Ever. Mainly because im incapable of the sex or the masturbation. Im writing in the loneliness forum since that does apply.
Im 43 now & havent had a relationship (intimate or otherwise) with anyone since i was 25. When i say anyone, that includes family, friends, or a significant other. If it werent for my Dr’s & nurses I wouldn’t ever speak. I go days sometimes weeks with speaking a word aloud.
For back story, I am afflicted by a genetic disease which manifested at 25 yrs old. I went from a vibrant, healthy, atheletic man to a shell of a human flirting with death & bed ridden in a mere 9 months. In the time since then I went from 165lbs to a 90lbs. Lost kidney function & survived a serious flesh eating bacterial infection i caught while in the hospital. At my worst i ended up in The Mayo Clinic hospital for over a year. I lost my career, house, vehicles & my fiancé as a result. I was released from the hospital in a wheelchair, hairless with a feeding tube & many scars. Scars that were visible & mental.
Though i was greatful to have survived, i found myself with difficult obstacles to overcome. More than the physical ones my illness brought me. I hated to look in the mirror. Everytime i did I literally would spend time looking for a glimse of the man i used to be. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I would meet people that were an everyday part of my previous life & they did not know me. Many did not believe me when i told them who this disfigured man in front of them really was. The scars & the changes to my body & face were an insurmountable stretch for them to overcome. It was impossible for me to accept as well.
I have recovered in the sense i recieved a kidney transplant, im out of the wheelchair & live independent of a nurse or homecare services.
Yet, ive never recovered from the loss of my identity.
My health problems have taken my looks, my ability to earn a viable living & any capacity for sexual intimacy.
I have not held a meaningful conversation with anyone who wasnt a health professional treating me since my release. Not for lack of trying. I was a happy go lucky young man before. Loved meeting new people & was never uncomfortable in a room full of strangers & some of that stuck with me even after the hospital.
Now when I happen upon an opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone, i find that either the person im trying to speak with is politely humoring me while looking for the door. Or ill get the silent look of half disgust & confusion as they walk away from me. People are unsure what to think or how to act around me. I no longer meet people (let alone women) who treat me as a normal person.
18 yrs of this has all but driven me to be a hermit. I dont look at people in the eye because i cant stand to watch them struggle to look at me while i try to talk to them. I dont look at passers by since the stares & looks of shock & disgust are hurtful. I shop only at 24 hr stores so i dont run into many people that way. Especially children. They hide their faces in fear at the site of me or innocently ask their mommy “whats wrong with him?” Innocent, i know. But that doesnt stop the hurt i feel. The greatest thing about children is their ever present honesty. But not for me anymore.
Well. Needless to say, Ive been worn down by the yrs of exile from my humanity. I miss people. Meaningful interaction. The intimacy of a relationship with a loving woman. Being able to look longingly & lovingly into a lovers eyes. Spending time with friends with similar interests in life.
I no longer can deal with the loss of the human touch. Ive tried for yrs to find happiness & fullfilment elsewhere. Hobbies, community organized social gatherings, group therapies, penpal letter writing. All are no substitute for what i really desire.
Human intimacy, love, sex, friendship, everything.
I had always put on a positive persona early on but after yrs of subtle & blantant rebuffing, ive now become socially inept.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
Thanks for reading. Please dont be to judgmental.