Not Doing So Hot!

I need some support ASAP! Getting urges to meet random people from online! Made an ad and got some interest. Doesn’t seem too bad, does it? But I tried this last year and it didn’t help me at all. My mind is almost made up to do it, but I really don’t want to! Last time I met up with someone totally random, didn’t have unprotected sex, but I went downtown and got kissed. It gave me horrible anxiety after afraid that I was going to have stds all over my face, I couldn’t see anything but read after that you can get basically everything just from the juices.. For some reason my mind is almost made up to go do this right now. Last time made me actually suicidal afterwards and extremely depressed for awhile. Why am I wanting to put myself through that again? I feel like such an idiot. Is it just sexual frustration?

 

Thanks guys I almost did it multiple times today but somehow avoided it and just talked to them instead. I planned to meet tomorrow but I might just block and ignore.

 

Just a random hook up with someone easy and probably gross. I will have to go through this all again when they come looking for me. I set up with a few, only ignored who I was going to meet today. I honestly don’t know why I’m drawn to do this kind of thing. I don’t even like it at all. This site has helped me more today and last night than ever before. Even without getting a reply for awhile. Helped me to think about it a bit.

 

Yeah, I forgot about that. I was addicted to “the hunt” online when I was younger like 16-20. Thanks for reminding me. Everything has started to become blurred and hard to understand lately (within the last year or two). Not sure why though. That is 100 percent why I started doing this again. And why I started last year again as well. The act I am not fond of at all. It’s 100 percent the hunt. But only online for some reason. I’m assuming being basically the first generation to grow up with the internet, the internet aspect of it is also part of the problem for sure. In person I’m not like that at all, not someone addicted to the hunt like walking around bars/school/work etc. like a lot of guys are.

 

I feel like a slave to the internet to be completely honest. But I found a bit of strength just yesterday, learning about my ancestry. I’m a strong guy in person, almost unbreakable. And I don’t know if genes carry that kind of thing, but it makes sense for me now. It’s the internet, the only thing that has managed to bring me to my knees. It caught me as a small kid. Going to be hard to kick it’s ass considering it’s grabbed most people as well that have access to it. Even though it sounds kind of silly, learning who I am ancestors of really kind of gave me a gust of wind. Would be a shame if all the work of these strong ancestors I have to save and free their people somehow ended up in everyone they’re related to just getting completely devoured by the internet age.

 

I will try this next time for sure. Sometimes I find it hard to find something to do instead though. I used to try to do that with like marijuana and beer. It would start to grab me and if you say smoke a joint it makes your head way clearer. And you go hmm that was odd, and scary. I want to start dancing and playing music or something now though. Prefer not to rely on such stances though, makes it harder for me now though.

 

Substances*

 

Though

 

Yeah, going to keep trying. I’ve done stuff like that more times than I can count. Deleted and made new profiles and all that so many times by now. Seems like a never ending cycle. I do feel a tiny bit stronger every time though.

 

Lose numbers over and over. Delete contacts and emails. The stronger I feel, the harder it comes back though. I feel like something might break though, for the better. No idea why or what, but there has to be a reason I keep trying.

 

Today was D day 2.0. Feel like I dodged a major bullet! Also cleaned my whole place thoroughly, but only after. Guess I felt dirty lol. Anyways, I feel like that episode and kind of thing are past me for now. It’s like browsing skip the dishes and you keep putting different things in the cart when you’re on a diet or trying to change how you eat. But when you do end up ordering food you find you’re not even that hungry and wonder why you just wasted your money.