Not a journal, my story overall.

Hello everyone,

First of all I want to say Thank You everybody who shares their stories, commenting on other people threads and just helping overall with what you can, because you don't know who you can help with words.

I will share my story aswell. I didn't remembered how I got into P, but I probably watched it for 8-10years or so and M once every week in the past atleast 4 years somewhat right I think,never counted really. At first I watched some regular videos and finished my session in like 5minutes, after a while I found JOI videos which were "big wow" for me and made me satisfied by a lot, so I binged for a while at those, didn't even was looking for something else extreme or anything, but somehow I ended up founding "Goon Joi" videos, those made me even more extreme attached to P and was sticking to them all the time only, ohh and I was so excited about them that I edged for 1 hour session every time, didn't want to end too fast and keep now looking back I probably didn't M that often until I found those different genres.

So I was living pretty normal life I can say, I haven't got any problems with my mental/physical health(just some inflammation in knee, but it's much better now). Maybe I didn't had much luck with my work/job side, other than that everything seemed alright.
The turning point was. I went to foreign country to work, which I was very happy about, because I was kinda dreaming to go there and you can make more money there overall and have a good life alone or with partner, since in my country where I live salaries isn't that big that you could live pretty easily and not worry about finances. So I went there,at first everything was new,nice,cool etc. I found a job after a while and a room for rent, didn't had any luck with my roommates, which very sucks, but it's my own fault I realized just after.
For about 2-4 months I didn't eat much at all if I had time I went to a shop to buy cookies,water,rice near by which was kind of min-shop if so called and there was no proper food much, just mostly candies,some eggs,bread etc.,the big shop was maybe 10-20min away,but it was my fault not going there,I just hadn't too much time or motivation to go,because I worked long/exhausting hours at night shifts at casino and wanted to rest for all time I had.. Also one of the roommates was very F dirty, you couldn't be in the kitchen after he was finished, all over the place, oil, vegetables on the walls etc.. It was disgusting, that made me not want to go there,so I was living of things which was proccessed etc. No hot food, only pizza and MC, dranked a lot of those 3 in 1 coffee to keep me warm, because it was cold af in winter, in my room the heater was put off while in others rooms was on, so kind of luck wasn't on my side and these problems I had to solve, but didn't care/minded about that, not sure why, I was thinking that I could dodge them and everything gonna solve by itself and I was totally wrong. Also I smoked cigaretes. And was PMO when I had day off which was only one a week smth.

So one day I had big day at work, was pretty normal day, same as usual nothing really happened in my life so far, haven't got any problems. I came to work, everything started normal and after 2 hours I came after a brake which we(workers) all get, I sat down, started dealing cards and my mind went off, everything was slow motion, I can't describe how I felt, but everything was in Huge Slow-Motion, I couldn't concentrate at all, couldn't feel my body, just my head spinning smth, breathing was very shallow, at the back end of hands and legs I felt blood was burning,kind of electrical pulsing(was looking for google translator for words,couldn't find one,but you probably know what I am talking about), at first I couldn't figure what was happening, but I didn't felt alright at all so after maybe 5minutes or so feeling like this I asked for help from floor manager, she changed me and told me to took rest, I thought that it will go away so I went outside to breathe so fresh air, came back and told that I can't work anymore and want to take day off today, they let me go,I went to eat, all the time while was going home was very unhappy,super exhausted and just wanted to sleep and hope that I will feel fresh next morning.
Next day I was feeling alright, but that moment of scaredness etc.what I was feeling at work stuck with me, but not much that it very triggered me, so next day I decided to go to work, because I was feeling good. At my way to work in halfway through out of nowthere I got scared af, couldn't realized at all what was happening and I stopped, tried to calm myself that everything is okay etc. "let's go to work", my mind didn't listened to me at all, bad thoughts just kept attacking me and I couldn't hold myself and started cry, started to quickly find a place to sit somewhere, because I felt huge pain in my head(huge swelling,pumping), I had a panic attack?, it was evening, nobody was around, I can't tell you how I felt in words, it's hard to describe and understand until it happens to one.
So I went home called my parents talked with them, they calmed me down, I took the day off again, was scared to call to work aswell, was pretty anxious and dissapointed with myself that I couldn't make it. After that panic attack or I don't know what it was everything in my life totally changed for real.. In a very bad way. Every day I was struggling hard af,alone. Couldn't figure out what was happening to me. Everything went just worse and worse. Quit my job, because I couldn't go there, every time I tried the same feeling/attack came to me and had to stop and go back home. Tried to find new/another job, same thing happened. I was staying at home, very scared of everything, people, voices, everything made me very anxious, chills went through my body when I heard something which made me super uncomfortable and felt like I was very ill, didn't had any motivation at all, so I was just sitting in my room and started playing LOL(it's online game)to make me go through the day, I was still drinking coffee and smoking cigarretes, but I moved to another house, so roommates and kitchen was clean, so I started to eat/cook normal food. I didn't knew what was happening at all, so my days went day by day very dark/cloudy. I am very grateful now than I look back, because I have a old good friend who called me when I was at the lowest point and somehow it happened that we started calling each other everyday and just talking about random things in life, those calls was very long,, but it wasn't like I asked him for help or smth.(which I had/should thought of,my mistake). So he helped me in big way now that I think.

(Probably you got bored,super long story..Mm,trying to finish it faster.Hope you still reading and will finish this one.)

So my days went by, decided with parents that I need to come back home to ask/look for help from friends/doctors etc. Had problems with coming home, couldn't leave home, was scared, everytime I tried to leave attack came..(really sucks.) It might sound funny, but for real it is disaster if it didn't happened to one. I had to ask my parents to come to take me, because I just couldn't went to airport/bus/trail station, was thinking going by foot home even though it was like 3000km or so this journey was the most suitable for me I thought at the time and I knew I could do it, but my parents laughed it off and came to take me. So I went back home after I came I stopped watching P at all, I was just super unmotivated at all and unhappy all the time that I even didn't wanted to M, but for somewhat reason I started little by little to workout cardio(it was very tough on my heart now that I remember), as weekend come by was so sick of that P thoughts also(because every friday or saturday if I skip friday I M), seemed like to vomit out the bad stuff out, clean itself and everything is gonna be okay.
So first thing I went to see physciatrist, we had one session, he wasn't helpful at all, talking just to talk nothing much, but he gave me ticket for 1 month mental treatment, I went there. Days went by everything started to feel better. I checked my blood tests, saw that I am Vitamin D deficient, started to drinking that. After 2-3 weeks I started to feel more normal than before, I was started to feeling more happy. But still my day was get up, go to hospital, come back home, play LOL, workout, play LOL and go to sleep. Sometimes I felt super bad and that attack came on me while I was at hospital, but it was at like 80-90% or so, just at the edge of it.
After a while I felt better and better, I thought that I recovered from that bad/cloudy/sad feelings. So my mind went more calm/relax overall. I felt good again and even came back to watch P every two weekends now, at first was super strange feeling, my mind didn't let me touch my chopper(WTF? somebody knows what is this? even now I haven't got anything in my mind about that.) and I just watched very intensely for about 10-20min. stayed on edge and didn't O at all, because I knew how bad I will feel after that, but those videos "Goon" or smth. Those videos made that woman talks very dirty,fast edited stuff, that makes watcher very horny etc. Again days went by, stuff occurs dissapears etc. Months went by I was feeling still the same, slightly worse, nothing much happening. When I was feeling super bad/sad/down like after coffee or watching P, I was telling myself "I need to do something, this isn't right, I shouldn't feel like shit, how can I feel this way?" After one P session I had enough probably and told to myself "Enough, let's not do this, alright?, let's see what happens."

One week went by and everything is alright, another and another. At first in the end/middle of the week feelings occured that I will do it or some triggers from life itself you know, but I resisted it, not sure how, just told myself "Don't, good things waiting on the other side". At that moment I started to workout a lot, do breathing techniques, get up super early go for a jog, take cold shower, read a lot of stuff on the internet, watch educational youtube videos about health etc. Probably I found this site when I was 1-2 weeks when I started not to PMO, read a lot of people stories, some of those shocked me how one can do this and that etc. It gave me even more motivation, positive thoughts to do this, so I started to do a lot more things, cold shower, workout, a lot of walking outside, sometimes I burned out and needed to rest, but those resting days also pretty tricky, since when you starting rest, feels good and you starting to forget that you need to do stuff at all.

Okay, so this is pretty much my story, couldn't thought how it finished at all, it just stuff all over the place how you understood everything I wrote. Oh, and I am on my week 9-10 without PMO.


I was thinking from time to time if should I create an account and tell my story or not and ask for help, but was kind of shy at first and everything was better and better everyday,so thought that whateva, but I had this issue for a while now and looking for answers/help, I wonder if somebody might help me or had happened to someone in here too.
So.. For the last month in a week I have about 3-4 days when I have huge headaches, seems that something is squeezing my brain inside, trying to massaging my scalf, but it's not outside therefore inside, but makes tension calmer,also I don't want to sleep and being pretty active, but my eyes are super tired/sloppy af, seem/feels everything around super calm and sleepy(environment feels unfamiliar/kind of disconnected,also feeling of intense flow state you know that everything around doesn't trigger(which is good in my opinion and it's normal afterall, but for me not feeling this way for a long time might be very unnatural, what you think?), because everything what triggered me before(like 1-2years ago)or gave me stress/anxiety, it doesn't give me right now, but gives me a those headaches) (maybe something to do with cortisol,noradrenaline?? To keep active?). Also I quit coffee and drink it very rarely, but after I have a cup of it, those symptoms become severe. Sometimes I am not feeling like smoking and don't smoke for 3 days, after that I buy a pack and start smoking, but it doesn't bother me too much. Also occurs big pressure on ears. In the mornings and through the day hands and legs time to time become pretty cold(because I sit a lot and not moving too much?).

Ohh,and also about those panic attacks.. So I still don't work. I am trying to do everything more healthier etc.on myself. Workout,eat cleanier, trying to push myself harder and harder, of course until I burn out(can't push through somedays, but it needs training, like every thing in life) and need to take some days to rest and reset and keep going.
I haven't got any attacks in any place at all, I feel good/normal everythere, but recently I tried to go to job interview,I was driving the bus, was very calm, concentrated,ready,motivated,looking forward for it, but sadly couldn't make it...because huge thing blew/scared my mind at the last bus stop, felt like attack, but it was very very small, but didn't wanted to push myself for it to happen,was scared of it to happen of course,so I had to back off and go home. Thought that I am still not ready(some advices would be awesome with this thing!!! Maybe some sumplements/workouts/routines, doing some things, cutting off something? Looking to try things, which might help me with attacks(helped you) and get on track to finding a job.)

Okay,finished, if something occurs I will edit or add. Thanks for reading! Don't hesitate to comment, looking forward for insights. (y)

 

Thanks!
Ye, maybe I had to post in another section,not sure. Saw "post here if 30+ days", was so hyped to write it that haven't looked over.
About positives: Many,many things. I can talk to myself in my mind pretty clearly(like to calm myself,motivate,dream etc.), like thoughts produced by me, not sure how to explain, but before I just went most of the time on auto-pilot,some sort of thing. I have more energy to workout, pushing/talking to myself a little bit harder everytime I do something to go further. Became more positive, but it still needs training. Not scared to go outside to the city and walking around. Not scared to talk to people. Feeling much happier and sensation improved ex.like eating food,drinking water. Overall can see light colors rather than dark.

 

Thanks for taking your time!
I read/heard about medications, not very positive about it, since most medication which have to help you, it does the opposite thing.
I am not gaming for a while now, since I started to get more energy and positivity within I started to go out more, workout and do other stuff to make me recover faster.
Smoking,I hope I will cut off it soon. Thanks.)
Also had to cut off coffee for a while now, since when I started I just drank a lot of it, couldn't stop(get enough), was very addictive, but after a while realized that I don't need coffee at all. Very rarely I drink.
What's nf? What helped/helping you with recovery process?

 

I was avoiding sugar for a while and felt better, less anxiety, just cravings. Probably gonna try to cut off then. Thanks!)

 

Thanks for helping me dude!
You might be right about circulation problem, like oxygen intake not efficient, blood can't travel through veins or smth like this, atleast it feels that way. It might be from cigg I don't know, but I haven't got those symptoms before and I smoke for quite some time now, maybe it was just building bad things little by little.
I will google GABA for more information, thanks! I was Vit D defficient and was super down/low energy, but after drinking for 2 weeks everything got better, I still drink now. Yep no PMO at all, just trying to search for fix other parts of body.

 

Gonna try it out. Thanks!
Maybe I should when meditating try to think about those panic attacks/bad moments? It might be more effective..?