No way out

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by tammygeorge, Sep 27, 2018.

  1. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know what to do. My sex life with my husband has decreased significately. He blames the lack of passion on stress. When we make love I feel he is doing it for me. Sex is very robotic. We never kiss. He’s never given me oral. In my heart I think either this man is a PA or he is not in love with me. What are the signs that he is a PA? I feel so ashamed of myself. I’m desperate for his affection and I just don’t get it.
     
  2. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Signs of a PA?

    Some of mine were.
    • Defensive about anything uncomfortable.
    • Blame shifting, crazy-making, and gas-lighting.
    • Never holding hands, hugs, kissing, unless it lead to sex.
    • Unwilling to readily hand over devices or passwords.
    • Manuvering to be alone. Unwelcoming her company.
    • Checking out. Not engaging with her or my family.
    • Out of control other aspects of my life. Life chaos.
    • Starring or oogling.
    • Lies, broken promises. I quit porn for good!, like 156 times.
    • Calling therapists quacks, unwilling to consider real help.
    • Poor communication.
    • No empathy.
    These are enough to get you started. In no way are they a complete list.

    Sorry your relationship is struggling, hang in there! There is hope in healing.
     
    hope4healing and tammygeorge like this.
  3. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the reply. He’s actually very affectionate, BUT never initiates sex and if so it feels out of obligation. There is very little foreplay like 1 or 2 minutes max.
     
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    Never is a strong word.

    How does he respond when you directly talk about this?

    Do you say, " Hubby, I love how you do xyz in love making, I would find it more rewarding with longer foreplay."
    Or
    "What is keeping you from Oral with me? Is it something we can work on?"

    I have found sex is the utmost rewarding when I focus entirely on her pleasure and not what I am recieving or not receiving. Less about me, more about her.

    If he isn't that interested, try a sex fast or reboot of a few weeks and see what's really going on.
     
  5. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    Same here, and maybe it’s my fault as I’ve always made it about him. I love to please him and I guess I expect him to take more initiative and he never does. I expect the same romance as when we first met and he’s just become lazy. I feel like it is 2 times out of obligation and the rest himself and porn. It must!
     
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I think it's abundantly clear now, that none of this is your fault. We have cleared that up, haven't we? I just want to be sure.
     
  7. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    A lot of signs are, not really being able to get hard, making up excuses as to why he's not horny? No affection. I know when I masterbatung too much my penis would get red and id id h dead skin under the head. I would also feel nervous right before sex not knowing if it would work.
     
  8. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

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    if it was fine at the beginning then I would put money on it being a P problem. It is a tough situation to know how to proceed but the longer this behavior lingers the worse for all involved. You can confront him directly, but be aware, most will lie. Personally I would gather evidence first then confront him. But...also have boundaries ready to go into place and options for him so you guys aren't going around in a fog. Options like marital counseling and/or individual counseling (if I were you I would go myself regardless if he does or not)...boundaries could be sleep in different rooms for a period of time, you could also focus on yourself, try to develop interests that allow you to connect with other people like adult ed classes, hobbies, etc, get you away from the marital situation so you can get good energy from other places and people. These are just some ideas that come to mind.
     
  9. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    This is excellent advice. I’m just so depressed and borderline suicidal over it. I feel cheated on. When I’m away doing something... I can’t enjoy it or focus, because all I can think of is... he’s at home pleasing himself. I get such anxiety. He says he never-ever does it. That he used to a lot, but now he doesn’t have the urge. That his libido is low.
     
  10. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    I know it’s not my fault, but I feel horrible about myself. Why isn’t he attracted to me. When he touches my bum in a flirtatious way on a daily basis. I get chills. It grosses me out, because nothing is coming out of it.
     
  11. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    He shows lots of affection outside the bedroom. He is the most thoughtful person I know. We love each other very much. We’re very affectionate, but he just claims his libido is low. He says he doesn’t have the urge to have sex with me or himself. Lately his erections are soft. 2 out of 12 he couldn’t cum.
     
  12. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I have felt the same way. It all makes sense after the discovery that my husband is PA and also intimacy anorexic. For a long time what little sex we did have was barely conscious in the middle of the dark night. In the last few years he’s had some problems getting hard and staying hard. (Which makes sex seem even less desirable/likely.) Rarely did he concern himself with my climax. The dysfunction just gradually crept in over the past decade. In retrospect it all makes sense now.
     

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