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No Sex for 12 months with partner of 10 years

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by motion2082, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    Not sure if this is the write forum to post this but here goes

    As the title says I haven't had sex with my partner in over 12 months. In fact I can't remember the last time we had sex. I remember having ED about a year ago when I was fapping too much to Porn. I wasn't satisfied sexually with my partner and was seeking pleasure through constant PMO. Well I'm over 40 days into my NoFap journey and I feel better than ever but I'm still not attracted to my partner. We sleep in separate rooms a lot and our 3 years ago we got engaged. Thing is I don't feel love toward her and I think I would be happier without her in my life. Problem is we have a beautiful dog and I don't want her to take the dog if we were to split. What can I do? Pretend Im attracted to her or tell her that she just doesn't do it for me anymore?

    I feel pretty good from NoFap so far. Don't think seeking sex is going to make anything better. Kinda makes me feel lonely though as I can't be intimate with my own partner. In the past I would just PMO to fix the problem, now I just read, work out, listen to music and chill
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
    Empty Red Cloud likes this.
  2. Davinblake

    Davinblake Fapstronaut

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    This is a young man advice, so probably i'll say some shit, but I guess there the fun goes.
    You probably lost your relation. I'd say that right now you are in flatline so your libido is even lower than before so if I were you I would wait 20 days before taking decisions.
    A way you can try to fix this is by doing everything in your power to take love back in the relationship: go to romantic places, have dinner together, have fun with her, try as hard as you can to start again like if she was the light of your life.
    If this doesn't work, just stay with her, talk, express yourself, feel what she needs, be romantic bla bla.
    If after you've tried with all of yourself to help both of you and done everything to make her feel good, then just start going away cancelling everything there is in between us.
    Hope that this helps, somehow
     
  3. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    Man, give up the damn dog and make a new life.
     
  4. diece

    diece Fapstronaut

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    Her desire for you is gone.

    You're dead in her eyes (sexually).

    Best bet.

    Leave her.

    Dogs are replaceable.

    Other people are replaceable.

    But your life and time isn't.
     
  5. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    I just couldn't help it:
     
    Zoidberg likes this.
  6. The advice from @Davinblake is good.

    I would suggest, though, that as you've messed up with your PMO, you really need to take responsibility. If losing the dog is the price that you pay, so be it — it will help to remind you of the consequences next time you think of relapsing.

    As already suggested, wait until the hard reboot is over. There might be hope — your gf hasn't left you, and you did love each other once. See if you can gently rekindle the relationship. Honesty will go a long way. At worst, aim to part as friends — again, giving up the dog will show your sincerity. At best, aim to respark that fire that you two used to have.

    Be the man whom she can respect, not the wimp who wants the easy way out.
     
    phwrancesco likes this.
  7. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Davin,
    Age doesn't matter too much and waiting at my age isn't difficult to do. I would say that me being self(un)employed last year for 11 months didn't help the sex situation too much. Averaging an income of $300pw working for myself ($17k p.a in 2018) really hurt my self confidence as the previous year I was on $65-$70k p.a - Fapping only made the situation worse which spiraled when I received my 50th job rejection letter. Winning an interview was easy. Getting the interview was the hard part. I find it really difficult to have fun with her as we have total opposite interests. Kinda feels like living with a friend but deep down you don't like them that much
     
  8. PaulD2000

    PaulD2000 Fapstronaut

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    10 years is a long time, especially in the life of a woman in terms of being able to have children or meet someone else suitable.

    I'd say the key is communication. Give yourself a date, such as June 2019 and if nothing has improved bu then its time to move on. The key being that from now to then you have to communicate properly.

    I'm one to talk. Married 13 years with four kids and a shit sex life. We could go for a few months without sex but not a year. We usually blame the kids and tiredness. I don't feel overly attracted to her anymore but I won't be leaving, probably as I am focusing moreso in the kids growing up and their needs.

    I need to take some of my own advice! She is not overly keen on sex and says it can be sore. This has led to loss of erection sometimes as I can sense that she doesn't really want to do it. I don't know what to do now. I feel like having an open and frank discussion about it and maybe buying a sex book or something. We are both catholic and she can be prudish although she was dirty when I first met her. man how things change!
     
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  9. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    Definitely dead in her eyes sexually (feeling is mutual though)
    Leaving is the hard decision
    This dog is not replaceable
    Life/Time is not replaceable, why most people end up slipping into depression
     
  10. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Mordo, 7 days ahead of you bud ;)

    PMO has messed up my life but at age 36 there is still time to be a better man.

    Should be interesting to see what 2019 brings on the fragile relationship front
     
    Mordobarn likes this.
  11. PaulD2000

    PaulD2000 Fapstronaut

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    Any chance of you both going to a therapist for a session. It would help you both greatly. You could explain that you are finding it tough and its not working at the minute but you want to try to make it work hence the therapist suggestion.
     
    justafriend likes this.
  12. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    Agreed, since she is 37 this year with no children (which she wants) I think she is wondering where she can find someone that can give her what nature/she wants.

    Good advice :)

    I think your head is in the right place. Focus on the kids growing up and there needs. My parents have been married 42 years and mum has been complaining about my dad a lot the past 6 months. I'm coming to the conclusion that Men/Woman just aren't meant to have an active loving relationship for long periods of time. You have your honeymoon period then you just want to be left alone.
     
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  13. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    I did suggest it but her reply was "why would I commit to a therapist when you can't commit to marrying me" to which I responded "how can you commit to someone that makes you feel shit and puts you down all the time". Of course this was during my PMO period so my attitude was pretty poor.
     
  14. PaulD2000

    PaulD2000 Fapstronaut

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    Both my parents and my wife's parent bicker a lot which is much more evident as you get older. Part of me thinks you need an active and healthy sex life to make a relationship work properly.
    It's a pity that she wasn't open to the idea of the therapist, maybe you should try the suggestion again, even for one session.
    She will have a lot of built up anger and frustration at the fact of the age she is getting to. She probably just wants to settle down and start a family but you can't be forced into marriage.
    I would have very little respect for a man that would drag a relationship out only to dump a woman after 10 years at that stage of her life. I'm assuming she is in her mid thirties? My friend did this after admitting he didn't want to have children after an eight year relationship. They parted, still in love as she wanted a family. I lost a lot of respect for him.
     
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  15. motion2082

    motion2082 Fapstronaut

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    I agree you need a good sex life to keep a relationship going, even if it's only once every 3 months

    Yes I have been witness to some pretty terrible personal attacks the past few years. Last year was definitely the worst. I think me changing my mind about marriage didn't help the situation much.

    Honestly I think this is what has caused all the anger and frustration and personal attacks towards me. She wants the marriage, kids and house and I have come to a point where marriage and kids are not on my agenda. Probably more to do with the fact that my income sucks and I have no idea how to bring in enough money to support a family and a mortgage. See she is a spender and I'm a saver. She would rather be in massive amounts of debt whereas I would like to know that I can live to see another day without losing everything. Financially she can't offer me much so I kinda feel like I'm committing to a life of misery...just a shame it took 10 years to realise it
     
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  16. Probably, this is a coping mechanism. You PMO to avoid reality, she spends for the same reason. If you were somehow to fall back in love and treat each other well, your perceived "need" for PMO should disappear; maybe her perceived "need" to spend would disappear?

    A close relative used to spend like crazy for exactly this reason, to avoid her feelings. When she got her life together, she stopped spending and instead is now over halfway to repaying her debts.

    I don't know you or your gf, of course, so I might be on the wrong track altogether. It's a possibility that I'm throwing out.
     
  17. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    Wait till you finish a 90 day reboot before making any decisions. Consider bringing her into the loop and let her know what's going on.
     
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  18. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you're just not that into her. Time to move on.
     
  19. Neo123

    Neo123 Fapstronaut

    Look wait a little bit more like a month more , but dont stress out. It might be that you have low libido OR you are not attracted to your girl for whatever reason, it happens man, and take the damn dog she cant do shit you are the man :)
     

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