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NO PMO & Abstinent Relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RedeemedIowan, Feb 5, 2018.

  1. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I personally think 12 step programs are crap because you don't walk out of your feeling good typically you walk out there feeling like shit and I don't think alcohol and drug addicts
     
  2. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Alcohol and drug addicts might learn from them but a sex addict is a different animal sex is a very delicate Balancing Act and humans in becoming a human so using a 12-step program until the last few years and trying to an old engine put it in a new car
     
  3. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    579
    854
    93
    12 step is about accountability and honesty. It’s about being around people who love and pray with me. It’s about journeying together. I’m sure every group is different.
     
  4. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I've been to 12 12 step meetings and I have one person that I can connect with the rest of them seem like there not in a good state and I've not yet walked away from one of them feeling good and if I don't feel good about something I shouldn't feel bad about something that happened to me I didn't make this happen to me I didn't choose this that's the difference I think between a lot of s. A. S
     
  5. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I'm not a sex addict
    I'm not a sex addict I have sexual compulsions both me and my wife have agreed and I'm working those out I can understand how it could become a sexual addiction but I'm not there so here we are I didn't choose this it happened to me
     
  6. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    And no it's not like they say in the 12-step programs delusional thinking or distorted thinking okay I have a very clear way of thinking okay and if I had a problem which I admit that I have I would completely admit it and I do have missed admittance on the fact that I have sexual compulsion but I'm not an addict if you look at the difference between a sexual addict and sexual compulsion there is a difference and you don't treat both for the same
     
  7. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Not to mention you're taking a 1951 Al-Anon 12 stepper towards human sexuality which is extremely complex that is absolutely terrifying to the humans events
     
  8. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    579
    854
    93
    Day 19 in the books, praise God. Funny thing happened tonight. I was showering alone in between time with my fiancé. I just prayed to God. I let Him know that I’m weak. I asked Him to take the temptation away from me. Instead He gave me enough strength to not push any boundaries. And now I’m in bed alone and satisfied; so glad that i had that little conversation with the Father.
     
  9. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    579
    854
    93
    Day 20 in the books on hard mode. Praise God.
     
  10. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Day44 towards 60,90 then 120 me and my wife together

    Elke Bill of Rights:
    1. I have the right to a husband who honors his covenants and commitments.
    2. I have the right to a marriage with complete honesty, openness and transparency.
    3. I have the right to a home that is filled with and inviting to the Spirit. I have the right to walk away from, turn off, get rid of, or change any media, activity or interaction that I feel is inappropriate in my home- ormakes me feel afraid or uncomfortable- regardless of the situation that I am in and/or theway other people around me feel.
    4. I have the right for the intimacy in my marriage to be wholesomeand free of lust.
    5. I have the right to feel safe.
    6. I have the right to personal preferences and opinions.
    7. I have the right to find support in whatever way I feel necessary.
    8. I have the right to freely trust, love and forgive completely.
    Non-negotiable Boundaries:
    1. I have the right to have a partner who is committed to ongoing healing/improving/recovery by going to the weekly men’s group at church, staying on NOFAP, eating healthy, exercising, reading, journaling.
    Consequence: Paul will stay in another bedroom for the remainder of our abstinence contract or possible separate from the house and there will be no physical contact during this same time frame.
    2. I have the right to expectcomplete openness, honesty and transparency in my marriage. Examples: Show where debit transactions have been spent with receipt 100% Accountability.
    Consequence: If being dishonest and/or alcohol is purchased the bedroom is mine for two nights and I may choose to leave for the day.
    Boundaries:
    1. I have the right not to be subjected to “neediness”, “over-touchiness” in any and all situations
    Consequence: [1] Our bedroom is mine for 3 nights automatically.
    Consequence: [2] No touch will be in place for 1-2 days asdecided by me (stated by me).
    2. I have the right to feel safe when any inappropriate touch as deemed by me occurs.
    Consequence: [1] No touch will be in place for 2 daysautomatically and our bedroom is mine for both nights.
    3. I have a right not to be “badgered” by repetitiveness when communicating.
    In person Consequence: I will give one warning. If not stopped, Paul will leave the area for 2hours.
    On phone Consequence: Paul will stop calling/texting for the remainder of the day.
    4. I have a right to not be subjected to coercion orcompulsive behavior (i.e. notaccepting my input if not in line with his thoughts – see garageproject)
    Consequence: Paul will leave the area for 2 hours and I may choose to leave for the day.
    5. I have a right to “me” time (i.e. TV, reading, gardening, anything) without interruption.
    Consequence: I have the right to our family room or other space and will separate myself or ask him to leave.
    6. I have a right not to be overwhelmed with too much talk about this issue/subjectdesignated times shall be setup (this includes anything related to sexual compulsion including the boundary list)
    Consequence: The bedroom will be mine for 2 nights automatically.
    7. I have the right to my ownopinions (without recourse (i.e. anger, manipulation)
    Consequence: I have the right to walk away from, hang up or end the conversation and seek thesupport that I need elsewhere.
    8. I have the right not to bedisturbed during my work time 9-5pm (phone calls or texts)
    Consequence: I have the right to block his calls until at least 6pm.
    9. I have the right to feel lovedand cherished without disrespect, disregard, orobjectification.
    Consequence: Dependent on severity, our bedroom is mine for the night or until I feel safe again and there will be no touch for the same period of time.
    10. I have the right to totalphysical privacy, including any and all attempts to see me nude.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    11. I have the right during cooldown period and longer if needed, to no sexual innuendo, suggestions, asking of spooning.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automaticallyor until further notice.
    12. I have the right not to be“asked” or “pestered” about when or what will happen after our abstinence time.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    13. I have the right to a healthy, loving and intimate sexualrelationship (without blame, manipulation)
    Response: I have the right toremove myself from the blameand fear by a period of abstinence and/or sleeping in separate rooms until I can once again feel safe in our sexualrelationship.
    14. I have the right to no profanity when communicating. There will be one warning.
    Consequence: I have the right to “me” time in the Family room (1or 2 hours based on my choosing).
    15. I have the right to receive myown spiritual inspiration and act on it.
    Consequence: I have the right to listen to, discern and act on theinspiration I receive regardless of his support and preference.
    Separation times will bedetermined by Elke based onaction by Paul. Time is to bespend by Paul being constructive, i.e. work-out, journal, read (bible, book), research home improvement projects, video games, meditation, call a friend/support group, play with dogs, go outside and work in yard, go for a walk, watchCaroline Leaf, etc.
    ___________________________ _____________________________

    Here are some tips for settinghealthy boundaries:
    • When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly,preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just setthe boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
    • You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect yourboundaries.
    • At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do itanyway, and tell yourself youhave a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
    • When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundaryassertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
    • When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially bythose accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behaviormust match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
    • Most people are willing torespect your boundaries, butsome are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. Inextreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicialsystem by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restrainingorder.
    • Learning to set healthyboundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace andprocess.
    • Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - thosewho want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
    • Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is.
    Why are Boundaries so Important?
    Boundaries created by wives arenot only crucial for them, but alsofor the addict husbands. Boundaries keep us and ourchildren SAFE. Without them, we usually live in an endless loop of torment, fear, and wo'-----aka PTSD/Betrayal Trauma.
    • For the addict, a wives Boundaries can produce much needed consequences, and NO addict can truly get better without feeling theconsequences to their actions. Consequences are goooood. Holding an addict husband accountable and not putting up with their crap is the most loving thing any wife could ever do for them. Addiction thrives wherever there's enabling.
    Step By Step Boundaries
    Tolerate:"To allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of without interference; To accept or endure"
    First, you need to figure out how much crap you are willing to put up with. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. Its tricky figuring out what we are willing or notwilling to tolerate in or lives with our addict husbands. It may even help to discover a few of ourPersonal Bill of Rights to have for our own use. PersonalBoundaries are what protect our Personal Rights. (More info on Bill of Rights HERE. Or to view my personal boundaries
    HERE)
    Often boundaries arent only just things we simply want, they are actually things we NEED. They are literally things we emotionallyneed in our life in order for ourselves to function in a healthy progressive way so we can be the best "us". When first figuring out your Boundaries, it may behelpful to ask yourself these questions and write them down:
    * What behavior from yourhusband are you willing totolerate in your home and life?
    * What behavior from your husband are you NOT willing to tolerate in your home and life?
    * What personally do YOU want out of your life? Are you able to achieve this living with an addict who's acting out in your home?
    * What are some essential emotional NEEDS you have in your life and marriage?
    * Are you willing to toleratesleeping in the same bed, being intimate with, or living with an addict who is acting out, or lying? Aka "Addict Mode"?
    * Are you willing to tolerate free reign access to pornography(unfiltered or unmonitored Internet devices) in your home around you and your children?
    * Are you willing to tolerate being controlled, manipulated, or abused?
    * What are YOU willing to do in order to follow through on what you say? Its crucial to have a plan of what you are willing to do if your husband does something you are not willing to tolerate or put up with.
    * The most important question of all is: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO KEEP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN SAFE FROM THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG IN EXISTENCE?
    Second, after you figure out what you want and write down what you are willing to put up with in your life, its time to figure out what your going to do to achieve that. If your husband is not willing to be respectful and safe, what are you going to do to keep YOU safe? How can you show self respect to yourself?
    After writing everything down I highly suggest showing it to your therapist or a trusted friend who's already done boundaries to help proof read, and then giving a final copy to your husband. But when writing it down it's extremelyhelpful to write your boundaries in a way that not only YOUunderstand, but in a way your husband can easily understand. One method is to state what you NEED > Then state what you are not willing to tolerate > and then state what you are willing to DO to keep yourself safe (consequences) if your husbanddoes not respect your safety Boundaries.
    Here are a variety of random different Boundary wording examples. A few of these are the boundaries/consequences I personally use, but everyone'ssituation is different so input consequences that would help YOU feel safe.
    - I am only willing to toleratestaying married to a man who is actively trying to get into recovery by going to meetings, counselingetc. If I do not see consistent recovery behaviors, ie. meetings, counseling, honesty etc, then I won't feel safe being married to you. (Other examples: sleeping in the same bed with you, beingintimate with you, talking to you, etc etc.
    - For my safety, sanity, and mental health, I am not willing to tolerate living with a man who lies. If I am lied to, I will need distance myself and consider a separation.
    - In order for me to feel safe in this marriage I need all future slips/relapses etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs , OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will need a separation for an undisclosed amount of time.
    - For the safety of me and the children, I will not allow any unmonitored and unfilteredInternet device (computer, phone, TV etc) to enter this home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety.
    - I love you. I NEED to feel safe in this marriage. I NEED the kids to be safe. I am no longer willing to tolerate lies, If you lie to me without telling me within 24 hours etc, I will ______.
    - I'm not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparencyetc. If I do not see these efforts in actions (not words), than I do not feel safe with you living here.
    - I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed with someone who is not trying to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work by counseling, meetings, sponsor, full honestly/transparency etc, then I do not feel safe with you being in our bed.
    - I do not feel safe living with a man who is not working to get into recovery, if I do not seerecovery type work by counseling, meetings, sponsor, honesty/transparency etc, then I will detach and cease contact(except directly about kids) so that i can feel safe.
    - I do not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to actively get into recovery bygoing to meetings, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparency etc etc, and if I do not see active recovery type actions by ______, then I will begin the divorce process for the safety of me and the kids.
    Third, be prepared to follow through with everything you say, otherwise you could proveyourself to be untrustworthy, and become "The Wife Who CriedWolf". If you say you will not have sex, separate, or start divorceproceedings the next time hecheats or lies, etc., then you better be sure you are actually willing to do exactly what yousaid you would! Also be prepared for backlash from your husband. If your husband acts up, gets defensive/upset, or throws atantrum, then you know it'sworking. Ignore it, and DO NOT engage. I repeat, DO NOTENGAGE. It's just his addiction feeling threatened and is panicking and fighting to stay alive. If his negative behavior causes you to back down or not follow through on what you say, then it gives his addiction power and it encourage's him to continue using negative behavior to get what he wants. Stay firm. Stand your ground.
    Boundaries Are Not Ultimatums
    Boundaries and consequencesare only for YOU and yourchildren. They are NOT to punish or control your husband. Yourhusband has the agency to make any choice he wants. You aren't telling him what he can't do. Your simply saying "Yes, you can make the choice to act that way, and if that happens I will make thechoice to keep myself safe". But they are NOT ultimatums."Ultimatums shut down options. Boundaries open up choices." (Charlieglickman.com/boundaries-vs-ultimatums/) . "A good boundary is the result of knowing yourself and having standards for how you want to be treated in relationship. An ultimatum is the result of not setting boundariesto begin with; you find yourself unhappy with how you are being treated and you are focus onchanging your partner’s behavior. The crucial difference is that boundaries come from a solid place inside of you, whereas an ultimatum comes from a wish about how things could be. Ittakes self-esteem to set aboundary, whereas mostultimatums come from a senseof desperation."
    http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=206
    My counselor once explainedthat its good to be clear about what I needed in my boundaries, but to remember that Boundaries are extremely personal, to make them my own, and to remember that in my written Boundaries I am speaking to my husband----someone I love very deeply----and that I needed to be sincere and open with what I NEED. And what I NEED and will always need, is to feel safe in my marriage and inmy home. Safety is the biggest priority.
    Need Further Assistance? (Because this stuff is still so confusing your eyes are glazed over and you want to pound your head into the table)
    The number #1 book Irecommend to everyone,EVERYONE, is Boundaries, or Boundaries in Marriage, by John Townsend. This is the Holy Grail of everything Boundary related.
    Read it. Read it now.
    Excerpt straight from the book Boundaries in Marriage:
    "Boundaries are about self-control....
    A client once said to me, "I set some boundaries on my husband. I told him that he could not talk to me that way anymore. And it did not work. What do i do now?"
    "What you have done is notBoundaries at all," I replied.
    "What do you mean?"
    "It was your feeble attempt at controlling your husband, and that never works." I went on to explain that boundaries are not something you "set on" anotherperson. Boundaries are about yourself.
    My client could not say to herhusband, "You can't speak to me that way." This demand isunenforceable. But she could say what she would or would not do if he spoke to her that way again. She could set a boundary "on herself". She COULD say "If you speak to me that way I will walk out of the room". This threat is totally enforceable because it has to do with her. She would be setting a boundary with the only person she could control:Herself"
     
  11. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

  12. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    579
    854
    93
    Ok well..

    Anyways, day 6 in the books all. God is supporting me!
     
  13. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    579
    854
    93
    Day 21 down. Praise God. I’ve been able to keep my hands off of myself. I’m hoping these 21 days of hard mode can motivate me to be completely disciplined in other ways as well.
     
  14. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Hard mode the only way to go so it's really clear I mean obviously I'm doing a hard mode hundred twenty days me and my wife here's a list of her boundaries for me and some rules that you could live by if you have a significant other and you got the balls give it to her I'm on day 46 out of 60 towards 90 towards 120

    Elke Bill of Rights:
    1. I have the right to a husband who honors his covenants and commitments.
    2. I have the right to a marriage with complete honesty, openness and transparency.
    3. I have the right to a home that is filled with and inviting to the Spirit. I have the right to walk away from, turn off, get rid of, or change any media, activity or interaction that I feel is inappropriate in my home- or makes me feel afraid oruncomfortable- regardless of the situation that I am in and/or the way other people around me feel.
    4. I have the right for the intimacy in my marriage to be wholesome and free of lust.
    5. I have the right to feel safe.
    6. I have the right to personal preferences and opinions.
    7. I have the right to find support in whatever way I feel necessary.
    8. I have the right to freely trust, love and forgive completely.
    Non-negotiable Boundaries:
    1. I have the right to have a partner who is committed to ongoing healing/improving/recovery by going to the weekly men’s group at church, staying on NOFAP, eating healthy, exercising,reading, journaling.
    Consequence: Paul will stay in another bedroom for theremainder of our abstinence contract or possible separate from the house and there will be no physical contact during this same time frame.
    2. I have the right to expect complete openness, honesty and transparency in my marriage. Examples: Show where debit transactions have been spent with receipt 100% Accountability.
    Consequence: If being dishonest and/or alcohol is purchased the bedroom is mine for two nights and I may choose to leave for the day.
    Boundaries:
    1. I have the right not to besubjected to “neediness”, “over-touchiness” in any and all situations
    Consequence: [1] Our bedroom is mine for 3 nights automatically.
    Consequence: [2] No touch will be in place for 1-2 days as decided by me (stated by me).
    2. I have the right to feel safe when any inappropriate touch as deemed by me occurs.
    Consequence: [1] No touch will be in place for 2 daysautomatically and our bedroom is mine for both nights.
    3. I have a right not to be “badgered” by repetitiveness when communicating.
    In person Consequence: I will give one warning. If not stopped, Paul will leave the area for 2 hours.
    On phone Consequence: Paul will stop calling/texting for the remainder of the day.
    4. I have a right to not be subjected to coercion or compulsive behavior (i.e. not accepting my input if not in line with his thoughts – see garage project)
    Consequence: Paul will leave the area for 2 hours and I maychoose to leave for the day.
    5. I have a right to “me” time (i.e. TV, reading, gardening, anything) without interruption.
    Consequence: I have the right to our family room or other space and will separate myself or ask him to leave.
    6. I have a right not to be overwhelmed with too much talk about this issue/subject designated times shall be setup (this includes anything related to sexual compulsion including the boundary list)
    Consequence: The bedroom will be mine for 2 nightsautomatically.
    7. I have the right to my own opinions (without recourse (i.e. anger, manipulation)
    Consequence: I have the right to walk away from, hang up or end the conversation and seek the support that I need elsewhere.
    8. I have the right not to be disturbed during my work time 9-5pm (phone calls or texts)
    Consequence: I have the right to block his calls until at least 6pm.
    9. I have the right to feel loved and cherished without disrespect, disregard, or objectification.
    Consequence: Dependent on severity, our bedroom is mine for the night or until I feel safe again and there will be no touch for the same period of time.
    10. I have the right to total physical privacy, including any and all attempts to see me nude.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    11. I have the right during cooldown period and longer if needed, to no sexual innuendo, suggestions, asking of spooning.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    12. I have the right not to be “asked” or “pestered” about when or what will happen after our abstinence time.
    Consequence: Our bedroom is mine for the night automatically or until further notice.
    13. I have the right to a healthy, loving and intimate sexual relationship (without blame,manipulation)
    Response: I have the right to remove myself from the blame and fear by a period of abstinence and/or sleeping in separate rooms until I can once again feel safe in our sexual relationship.
    14. I have the right to no profanity when communicating. There will be one warning.
    Consequence: I have the right to “me” time in the Family room (1 or 2 hours based on my choosing).
    15. I have the right to receive my own spiritual inspiration and act on it.
    Consequence: I have the right to listen to, discern and act on the inspiration I receive regardless of his support and preference.
    Separation times will be determined by Elke based on action by Paul. Time is to be spend by Paul being constructive, i.e. work-out, journal, read (bible, book), research home improvement projects, video games, meditation, call a friend/support group, play with dogs, go outside and work in yard, go for a walk, watch Caroline Leaf, etc.
    ___________________________ _____________________________

    Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries:
    • When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
    • You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries.
    • At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
    • When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
    • When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
    • Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
    • Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
    • Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
    • Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is.
    Why are Boundaries so Important?
    Boundaries created by wives are not only crucial for them, but also for the addict husbands. Boundaries keep us and our children SAFE. Without them, we usually live in an endless loop of torment, fear, and wo'-----aka PTSD/Betrayal Trauma.
    • For the addict, a wives Boundaries can produce much needed consequences, and NO addict can truly get better without feeling the consequences to their actions. Consequences are goooood. Holding an addict husband accountable and not putting up with their crap is the most loving thing any wife could ever do for them. Addiction thrives wherever there's enabling.
    Step By Step Boundaries
    Tolerate:"To allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of without interference; To accept or endure"
    First, you need to figure out how much crap you are willing to put up with. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF. Its tricky figuring out what we are willing or not willing to tolerate in or lives with our addict husbands. It may even help to discover a few of our Personal Bill of Rights to have for our own use. Personal Boundaries are what protect our Personal Rights. (More info on Bill of Rights HERE. Or to view my personal boundaries
    HERE)
    Often boundaries arent only just things we simply want, they are actually things we NEED. They are literally things we emotionally need in our life in order for ourselves to function in a healthy progressive way so we can be the best "us". When first figuring out your Boundaries, it may be helpful to ask yourself these questions and write them down:
    * What behavior from your husband are you willing to tolerate in your home and life?
    * What behavior from your husband are you NOT willing to tolerate in your home and life?
    * What personally do YOU want out of your life? Are you able to achieve this living with an addict who's acting out in your home?
    * What are some essential emotional NEEDS you have in your life and marriage?
    * Are you willing to tolerate sleeping in the same bed, being intimate with, or living with an addict who is acting out, or lying? Aka "Addict Mode"?
    * Are you willing to tolerate free reign access to pornography (unfiltered or unmonitored Internet devices) in your home around you and your children?
    * Are you willing to tolerate being controlled, manipulated, or abused?
    * What are YOU willing to do in order to follow through on what you say? Its crucial to have a plan of what you are willing to do if your husband does something you are not willing to tolerate or put up with.
    * The most important question of all is: WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO KEEP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN SAFE FROM THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG IN EXISTENCE?
    Second, after you figure out what you want and write down what you are willing to put up with in your life, its time to figure out what your going to do to achieve that. If your husband is not willing to be respectful and safe, what are you going to do to keep YOU safe? How can you show self respect to yourself?
    After writing everything down I highly suggest showing it to your therapist or a trusted friend who's already done boundaries to help proof read, and then giving a final copy to your husband. But when writing it down it's extremely helpful to write your boundaries in a way that not only YOU understand, but in a way your husband can easily understand. One method is to state what you NEED > Then state what you are not willing to tolerate > and then state what you are willing to DO to keep yourself safe (consequences) if your husband does not respect your safety Boundaries.
    Here are a variety of random different Boundary wording examples. A few of these are the boundaries/consequences I personally use, but everyone's situation is different so input consequences that would help YOU feel safe.
    - I am only willing to tolerate staying married to a man who is actively trying to get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling etc. If I do not see consistent recovery behaviors, ie. meetings, counseling, honesty etc, then I won't feel safe being married to you. (Other examples: sleeping in the same bed with you, being intimate with you, talking to you, etc etc.
    - For my safety, sanity, and mental health, I am not willing to tolerate living with a man who lies. If I am lied to, I will need distance myself and consider a separation.
    - In order for me to feel safe in this marriage I need all future slips/relapses etc. to be disclosed within 24 hours. If I receive disclosure after 24hrs , OR I discover it myself, then that puts me and the kids in danger and I will need a separation for an undisclosed amount of time.
    - For the safety of me and the children, I will not allow any unmonitored and unfiltered Internet device (computer, phone, TV etc) to enter this home. If I learn of any unprotected device you have brought into my home without my knowledge, I will need a separation for my safety.
    - I love you. I NEED to feel safe in this marriage. I NEED the kids to be safe. I am no longer willing to tolerate lies, If you lie to me without telling me within 24 hours etc, I will ______.
    - I'm not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparency etc. If I do not see these efforts in actions (not words), than I do not feel safe with you living here.
    - I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed with someone who is not trying to get into recovery. If I do not see recovery type work by counseling, meetings, sponsor, full honestly/transparency etc, then I do not feel safe with you being in our bed.
    - I do not feel safe living with a man who is not working to get into recovery, if I do not see recovery type work by counseling, meetings, sponsor, honesty/transparency etc, then I will detach and cease contact (except directly about kids) so that i can feel safe.
    - I do not comfortable living with someone who's not trying to actively get into recovery by going to meetings, counseling, reaching out, full honesty/transparency etc etc, and if I do not see active recovery type actions by ______, then I will begin the divorce process for the safety of me and the kids.
    Third, be prepared to follow through with everything you say, otherwise you could prove yourself to be untrustworthy, and become "The Wife Who Cried Wolf". If you say you will not have sex, separate, or start divorce proceedings the next time he cheats or lies, etc., then you better be sure you are actually willing to do exactly what you said you would! Also be prepared for backlash from your husband. If your husband acts up, gets defensive/upset, or throws a tantrum, then you know it's working. Ignore it, and DO NOT engage. I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE. It's just his addiction feeling threatened and is panicking and fighting to stay alive. If his negative behavior causes you to back down or not follow through on what you say, then it gives his addiction power and it encourage's him to continue using negative behavior to get what he wants. Stay firm. Stand your ground.
    Boundaries Are Not Ultimatums
    Boundaries and consequences are only for YOU and your children. They are NOT to punish or control your husband. Your husband has the agency to make any choice he wants. You aren't telling him what he can't do. Your simply saying "Yes, you can make the choice to act that way, and if that happens I will make the choice to keep myself safe". But they are NOT ultimatums. "Ultimatums shut down options. Boundaries open up choices." (Charlieglickman.com/boundaries-vs-ultimatums/) . "A good boundary is the result of knowing yourself and having standards for how you want to be treated in relationship. An ultimatum is the result of not setting boundaries to begin with; you find yourself unhappy with how you are being treated and you are focus on changing your partner’s behavior. The crucial difference is that boundaries come from a solid place inside of you, whereas an ultimatum comes from a wish about how things could be. It takes self-esteem to set a boundary, whereas most ultimatums come from a sense of desperation."
    http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=206
    My counselor once explained that its good to be clear about what I needed in my boundaries, but to remember that Boundaries are extremely personal, to make them my own, and to remember that in my written Boundaries I am speaking to my husband----someone I love very deeply----and that I needed to be sincere and open with what I NEED. And what I NEED and will always need, is to feel safe in my marriage and in my home. Safety is the biggest priority.
    Need Further Assistance? (Because this stuff is still so confusing your eyes are glazed over and you want to pound your head into the table)
    The number #1 book I recommend to everyone, EVERYONE, is Boundaries, or Boundaries in Marriage, by John Townsend. This is the Holy Grail of everything Boundary related.
    Read it. Read it now.
    Excerpt straight from the book Boundaries in Marriage:
    "Boundaries are about self-control....
    A client once said to me, "I set some boundaries on my husband. I told him that he could not talk to me that way anymore. And it did not work. What do i do now?"
    "What you have done is not Boundaries at all," I replied.
    "What do you mean?"
    "It was your feeble attempt at controlling your husband, and that never works." I went on to explain that boundaries are not something you "set on" another person. Boundaries are about yourself.
    My client could not say to her husband, "You can't speak to me that way." This demand is unenforceable. But she could say what she would or would not do if he spoke to her that way again. She could set a boundary "on herself". She COULD say "If you speak to me that way I will walk out of the room". This threat is totally enforceable because it has to do with her. She would be setting a boundary with the only person she could control: Herself
     
  15. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I had to put myself on a no touch when I go to our bedroom from now on because it's just too hard for me I I fantasize too much when I hold my wife's hand in the bedroom to
     
  16. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    1,970
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  17. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Why does that sound like hell? That's what I'm doing to break my habit man are you doing it alone or are you married? Me and my wife are doing it together she's doing the same thing
     
  18. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    Still getting morning wood so kind of dance around my wife's boundaries I'm learning now I slept 13 days in my own room
     
  19. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    So please tell me why you think it sounds like hell I mean I would really like to know what your opinion is are you doing something different than maybe I should try? Or should you try to make it easier on yourself? I have a really hard sex drive so that's part of my problem
     
  20. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

    1,970
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