NO PMO & Abstinent Relationship

DAy 12 in the books. After being in a hot tub with my gf and us both teasing eachother, i was definitely ashamed. I’m playing on ‘hard mode’, following God’s will and saving it for marriage. But i want her so badly. And even worse was a few hours aftet that and we reconciled with God, i was scratching her back under her shirt, which is against our personal rules. More shame. I did NOT however MO, which is a big victory for me as fantasy is usually my trigger since i don’t use p or p-subs.

I know i need accountability on a deeper level. I need to detail to someone what happened so that I’m faced to confess my sins and hear how bad they sound. I really think she should also tell a mentor exactly what happened, but i don’t think she’ll take well to being told what to do.

Pray for me please.

 

Day 13 done. Halfed my time lusting about my gf today. Went to celebrate recovery meetinf where we talked about confession. I did learn somethinf new about myself and it was good to confess it to the group. I also called a guy from my church and will start to meet with him saturday. Lastly, my girlfriend got really uncomfortable when i told her about this site and me blogging here, even though it’s anonymous.

 

14 days of hard mode complete. I really really need to take on the next challenge which God has given me: that’s to be a leader to my girlfriend sexually. I am meeting with a new accountability partner on Saturday, who is a hard-nosed senior member of my church. I’m exciting because God’s wisdom flows through him freely, and he has a long successful marriage. I need relationship advice as well.

I need to find a way to release my lust. I try to avoid lust as much as possible, but it seems to build up and accumulate over time. What to do to make it go back to zero? That’s my question. Most common time for me to lust is lying in bed alone on Saturday mornings. I haven’t had sustained lustful thoughts about anyone but my gf for months and months, which i feel like would be great if we were married. But we’re abstinent. Hard mode, remember?

 

DAY 15 done. Half-way to my 30 day goal. Praying every night, which is way key for me. I need to realize i myself am powerless against my addiction. Only God working through me has a fighting chance.

Also spent time with my gf tonight. We prayed and did a devotional the second i got there. Completely avoided temptation.

 

Day 16 done dedicated to Jesus. Did lust about my gf for about 5 min before taking a nap. Also googled a musician that i listen to and found out she doesn’t dress very conservatively. This made me realize i need to reinstall covenant eyes on my new computer.

 

DAy 17 in the bag. Praise God that I’m still holding on. I do admit that this blog looms large in my mind when i think aboutinf a venture down MO ave. I feel more confident not being out of control. I’m meeting with a new AP this morning to talk about my self control with my girlfriend. Hard mode, remember?

 

Day 19 in the bag. God is answering my prayers. He is so good to me. I have a great girlfriend. She gives me exactly adequate challenges to let me continue on hard mode. She is a little emotional, but hey she is a girl. And she is so beautiful. It takes a lot to not lust after her body sometimes. But i know that lust is my main enemy. Talked to new AP on saturday and my 12 step sponsor right after that. God has given me great support and i do not wanna let them down.

 

Day 20 done. Bad day is some ways: i bought a bottle of wine and finished 3/4 of it. Start thinking about my girl in a sexual way. I went and looked up bikini pictures that she sent me. I had been flatlining before but no more. I did not MO but was tempted to. Bad road for me. Praying for forgiveness.

 

MO’d yesterday.. back to day 1

 

Day 1 in the bag. Started kissing my girlfriend at my parents and she was running her hands and i was running my eyes. I was able to stop us as the presence of God was with me! Great day one after MO yesterday.

 

DAy 1 again

 

Mind kept wandering to how i fooled around with her last night. Those images are like lighting. Learned that she associates our tom foolery with her being raped. So I’m adding to that by fooling around with her. Need 1 year of strong discipline.

 

DAY 2 of hard mode is a wrap. I’m wondering if between my gf and i we could just stop whatever physicality we’re engaging in the moment i start to get a boner. We’re both on the same page about what our goal is, hard mode till marriage. I’m becoming really sure i want to marry her.

 

Thanks for the comment.. sometimes idk if anyone reads these. Yes she’s had some counseling, not a ton. She is able to talk about her victimizations a little bit better now. However she’ll never be completely over them.

 

4 days on hard mode. I’m not feeling volatile on my own. I don’t feel vulnerable to PMO and only sometimes to MO. I know that the second i feel overconfident is when i will fail. I’ve seen that trend so many times.

I’m in step 10 of a 12 step and I’m working on keeping a daily inventory. I’m deciding to be completely honest on here and mot fear my gf finding this. I think that’s held me back a little. I came across thumbnails of attractive women while browsing youtube last week. I didn’t really dwell on them, but didn’t stop looking either. I also searched for a popular beach in mexico, knowing there were probably women in bikinis on there. I was right, and got off the page immediately. However these trends are deeply disturbing. I’m not looking to be free from P or P-subs for just a few years but forever. I told my sponsor about this, and he said to repent and move on. More like repent and FLEE!

 

Hey there again. I’ve certainly suggested this. She was seeing a therapist once a week for a few months but had to switch therapists. She now goes once a month and i haven’t asked her in a few months how it’s going.

 

DAY 6 in the bag. Started to lust about gf today. She is so hot; how can i deal with thAt? I gave it to God and survived