No Name

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Brittsyboos, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    Dec 31, 2017

    I am vastly disappointed. I want to put as much of my faith in him as I can, but, today is just yet another day where I have discovered his lies (fourth or fifth time after I’ve given him months to change it now?).

    A few days ago, I had asked if I could look through his computer to check if he was keeping up on his progress with only watching porn once a week. When I asked he said its fine but then told me that he hadn’t been keeping up the past two weeks due to plowing. He even told me how sorry he was that he had such a lame excuse.

    I was thrilled, I was so proud of him for just being honest with me and just because he slipped up the last two weeks didn’t mean that he made no progress, and any progress is amazing!

    Then, last night he came home from plowing and asked to be downstairs for an hour but as he stayed down there longer my mind began to fret. I thought: “He might be downstairs to watch porn. I should check.” But, I held off until the hour was up then came in after and even knocked to let him know I was there.

    Then, I finally got around to checking his computer out and what do I find? Well, first off, he had watched porn the night before, while I was asleep. Not to mention, I had wanted sex the whole day before and he couldn’t think to come to me first, just as he never does. I have had my heart and self-image torn in two so many times that it is so small that it can’t be torn further. Now I just feel nothing, I know I would be mad and hurt and feel betrayed, but instead I am just disappointed. Its almost like I’m looking at Ethan in third person view now. All these nights I have been cuddling up close to him because I thought he was finally accepting his addiction and doing something about it. But he’s not. It really doesn’t even appear that he has tried.

    I don’t want to undermine any progress that he may have made but I’m so tired of asking him for the past two years to change his habit and nothing has come of it yet. I feel I have been very lenient and forgiving and all I’m getting back is more secrecy and hiding. Its funny to think that I was proud of him being honest about the past two weeks being bad for him but little did I expect that the last three months since I started classes have been “bad” (AKA porn everyday, in most cases, multiple times a day). In addition, he also said that he wasn’t watching it at all when I’m home; another lie. I can feel myself slowly distancing myself and I am not sure I can put my faith in him again. He has betrayed it so many times.

    I just want this to end, its not fair to me to take away my sex life or intimacy for a virtual image; not when we are in a relationship that begs monogamy. I wish I knew what changed, we never started out on sex once a week if not longer, and even when we do, there’s hardly any passion in it. I haven’t felt sexy and ogled at in months (maybe even a year, I honestly don’t remember the last time we had a good sex session where we were both into it. He has gotten so selfish: He will masturbate onto me but I won’t get touched so I get no real pleasure out of it, or I will give him a blowjob and he barely cums, he always needs to use his own hands, and even if he does masturbate on me he rarely looks at me so it doesn’t feel like he is really stroking himself to me. And the worst part is that I know it won’t change until he wants to change. But I’m not even convinced that he knows he’s really hurting me.
     
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  2. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    Jan 09,2018 7:28am

    I cried in the shower today. I thought of the times when I felt like I was the last option, the last resort. And even then I was prioritized after “just not getting to cum that day”. I remembered the time when I tried to blow him and he said no, later. Then it turned into him coming home late that night from plowing and despite knowing that I had been wanting some action, when he wanted some too, he never came to me. No, he went downstairs to watch his screen and leave me up there. Even when he promised, if anything, he would at least not watch it when I was home. I wonder how many times he did that. How many times I was pushed to the side for some fucked up porno. How many times was the screen worth more than any intimacy with a real person, with the person that you love?

    I also remembered that time when I asked to be touched and instead he hid behind a bathroom door and jacked off himself instead. Its hard not to take that personally. You’re horny. I’m horny. Guess that means you better go fuck your own dick then.

    And now I’m just boring. For all the sex stuff I’ll do and I’m boring. Just as boring as Miss. Vanilla Grace. Oh no wait, he wanted to fuck that more than me too. When am I gonna be something he wants to look at again? I’ve tried to get something from him, anything, and all I get back is a bunch of no replies and oh sorry hun I’m just not feeling it. But you haven’t been feeling it for nearly a year now. I can’t remember the last time you got excited to do anything with me. Or the last time my initiation got through to you. I want a sex life. I deserve a sex life. Its not fair for these things to take it away from me. You might not call porn cheating and once upon a time I didn’t either, until it ate your dick away and I seldom saw it. And if I did see your dick, you weren’t happy about it; just dead with no passion.

    At first I thought maybe the dry sex life was because of porn withdrawl. I could take that. But its not. I’m boring. That’s all there is to it. And I can’t fix it. It’s not my fault, you watch multiple new girls everyday for hours a day. Maybe even chat one up. When all you get is new, new, new, of course I’m old and boring. But its not fair. I don’t do that to you. Make you feel worthless and plain. I wonder how after all this time I haven’t laid eyes on anyone but you, meanwhile you lay eyes on others at any time possible. You even try to flirt with one and then you have the audacity to ask me if you can fuck her? You can’t even bring yourself to fuck me. Why would I want you with someone else when we made this promise to be eachother’s “one and only”? I don’t feel one bit that way. It’s the “person that’ll put up with my bullshit while I bang other girls and make it seem normal”. Like its okay to want so desperately to fuck something else that you’ll do almost anything to get it. You broke me four times over and now I still worry about it and have nightmares and unwelcome daydreams of how she’s going to destroy my life as soon as you set eyes on her. And even now, you said that you would stop watching porn and I want to believe you but I don’t. Not for a second. You made my tap run dry.

    I just wonder how you can claim to love someone that you are so willing to toss away for a dose of pixelated tits and a chick who has nothing on me. Except I don’t feel that way now; I feel as if you’d dash to her in a heartbeat and ditch me. You’d ditch me to see her body (or maybe you already have? I can’t say I’m 100% certain that you didn’t at least kiss her that day you met up with her at Timmies. Maybe you even had the best fuck of your life). Or that you’d ditch me to be able to feel something when you fuck again. And that breaks my heart, why do I do nothing for you? It’s everything to me just like our cuddles and when you say “Come downstairs”. Because when you say come downstairs I hear “I want you with me.”

    I cried in the shower because I feel all these feelings and you don’t ask me about them. You don’t make sure I’m ok. I broke down for two days after Christmas and you don’t even check up on me after to make sure I’m still ok. You don’t even tell me that you’re still going strong with not watching porn, or tell me when you relapse. And that’s how I know you aren’t doing it. You share no progress because you’ve made no progress. Just like the last four/five times.

    I can’t change this. I can’t fix this. And yet I get all the consequences. I’m the one that feels last in one half of our relationship. I’m not the one and only, I’m the worst of them. Why settle for slightly pudgy tummy, tiny titty, can’t even make you cum Brittany when you can have everything you want at the same time on your computer.
     
  3. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    Jan 09, 2018 10:24pm

    Sometimes I don’t even want you to see me, I’m actually embarrassed of myself around you. And only around you too. I still know I’m fairly attractive and I try to get you to see it, I’ll pull my shirt down a little to make sure you can see my cleavage and maybe steal a glance, or I wear a thong and my pants that you can see through for you. But then I pull my shirt back up and put a bra on. You know what happened? I thought for one second that maybe you’d look at them and think “I want to see a real pair of tits.” (How ironic that I think he would say “real” when its fake and on a computer screen) Then I’m embarrassed and I cover up. Or, I wear those pants then I think of how many tons of girls you must have seen in pants like those and then I’m no different. If anything, I remind you of that porno you watched where one chick looked really good when they did that. Then I’m embarrassed again and I change into my joggers and hide my body from you. I’m so scared of you not noticing or me not being enough to do anything for you that I just hide it. I hide my body so you can’t be bored by it. And yet my biggest fear is already true. You are bored. I know it’ll sound ridiculous but do you know how many times I’ve flicked my nipples to get them to pop out so you’ll notice me and then you don’t anyways? But I guess it doesn’t help that mine are little nubs instead of those big hard ones that you see in pornos that stick out to the goddamn moon. I didn’t even know that nipple insecurity was a thing but here we are. I just really want you to notice me and take a little interest, especially when I’m making an effort to get your attention. I just want to be desired and wanted again instead of fucked half-heartedly on a routine before I get too upset. I want you to think dirty thoughts about me (and only me) and fantasize about me because damn if I don’t feel like the lamest girl in the world around you.
     
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  4. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    January 10, 2018 6:56pm

    He said that he might be coming over tomorrow and I honestly don’t even want him to really. All I can think about all day is how porn was so important to him that he needed to have it. There was no room for me when it was there. It was always lurking and calling to him even when he had the real thing in front of him. It still baffles me that he would say no to me and then use his search bar to find something else to look at. I mean in what world am I less wanted than a fake image? That speaks multitudes for itself. I remember one of our first fights was about me not prioritizing him and now I feel like the tables have turned. I’m not a priority to him anymore. He says that I can’t say things like that because he’ll drive all the way up here just to see me for a day (fair point) but at the same time, if I am right in front of your face offering him sex or boobs to look at and he says no just to do the same thing with the computer, I feel like that is a massive “I don’t value you enough to do that though”. In so many ways porn has been his priority. He would lie for it. He would hide for it. He would blame me for it.

    And now I don’t even want to do anything with him, how am I gonna know his mind isn’t somewhere else? God knows it has been for the longest time. Long enough for him to forget that having a real intimate relationship with me is important. Long enough for him to forget that he didn’t want anyone but me (I’m referring to Grace if you were wondering). Long enough for him to think porn was the best substitute. He also told me that it was his escape which is all fine and well but if he’s feeling down, he should vent it or talk to me, that’s what I’m here for. I’m his support, not porn. I feel cheated in this a lot because I feel like I should be his confidant and the thing he desires most. But reality is, I’m not either, and that just sucks.

    It makes me feel like some parts of him were fake, I mean did he never feel bad watching it after he a) promised not to and b) I told him how important it was to me that he cut back/stop? And if he didn’t feel bad, did he never think about how he lied to me everyday while I lay my head in his lap or wrapped my arms around him?

    Did he not think about it once and think that he was so wrong to do that? The least he could have done is tell me. It hurts to know he still watched it but the real kicker is the fake promises and even when he does stop (he has to eventually right?) I’m not sure I’m even going to believe him.

    The funniest part is, he says oh well its not hurting anybody but he knows I’m being battered emotionally by it, and he would know that the most wouldn’t he? He would know what its like to be hurt even when there’s no physical wound. Or maybe he was still so wrapped up in that world that he wouldn’t admit that he was harming anyone. Some days I kind of hope he reads this so he can know what I really felt and still do, but I don’t think I’ll ever show him. I’m sure somewhere along the lines I’ve misconstrewed something or he’ll think I’m exaggerating or he just won’t see it the way I do. Maybe for my next entry I’ll write how I think his point of view is.
     
  5. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    January 10, 2018 7:50pm

    Having a partner means having someone who accepts you for who you are right? So why can’t she just accept that I watch porn. It’s not like I’ve gone up and slashed her throat, its just a little stress relief. I don’t even think about it that much when I’m around her. Porn is stress relief, nothing more. I mean sure its nice to look at some boobs and an ass (maybe two at the same time, or three) just for the heck of it. It’s not like looking hurt anyone. Looking is just something fun. I still think she’s attractive so I don’t know why she gets all up in arms about how it ruins her self-image. Having other hot girls out there doesn’t make her less of one.

    She’s right that we don’t fuck much but its just that it’s the same old thing. I’ve seen her a dozen times already I could make the perfect picture of her right now in my head. It just happens, I’m sure everyone gets bored. Connor got bored with Hailey, its just how it works.

    I think I understand where she’s coming from and it makes sense but I’m right too. If anything, I’m more right, I’m actually not hurting anyone and I’m just helping myself by getting it out of my system. I know I probably watch it too much but who cares. It’s like the one good thing in my life that I have and she wants to take that away from me. Porn does nothing but help me so she should get over herself and know that my boredom isn’t because of porn and its not ruining her life or our relationship.
     
  6. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    January 10, 2018 8:08pm

    Okay, so I just thought of the things he might say and think and now I’m just going in loops in my head, there’s so many reasons porn is hurting us and yet reasons for why it works (for him at least). I contradict myself all the time now too. I guess I’m between just accepting it as a part of my life and trying my hardest not to give in (fuck that stupid will in me that never gives up). Random thought: Last night he said wanna skype then when I said I would be home soon he said nvm. I have a small suspicion that he was going to try to jerk it for me while I put on a show for him and then used porn instead so then he lost his reason to skype me. I feel shitty for thinking the worst but each time he lies and I find out, the more ways I come up with times and ways that he will be watching porn. Sadly, most of my suspicions turn out to be true (i.e wanting alone time to watch it or going to the bathroom to do it or coming back from plowing and leaving me upstairs to sleep while he watched it). Because each of those times I tried to quiet myself by not asking or trying to catch him in it. And I did that because I wanted to have a little respect for him and not badger him. And all I achieved was catching him at a later date. Its bad enough that I have kept a mental log of days and times to check and every one of them has been a time that he watched it. Earlier I said I hope he reads this, I really hope he doesn’t now, I think some pretty bad things and I’m acting crazy by making mental notes like that. I wonder what he would say if he knew that about me.

    Again super off topic but I hope he also deletes those photos on his computer, he doesn’t need those either. I also wonder what things he texted Grace. I probably don’t want to know but when I talked to her she made it seem like he was the one talking her up and trying to seduce her. But I guess I’ll never know. I also wonder what he has said to girls online. I remember seeing a dick pic in his photos that I don’t think I’ve ever seen. Maybe he sent that to someone? Man, I thought he was so into not being a poop wad and cheating but not cheating. I guess the ones that sound so sure of themselves are actually the ones that are just trying to convince you. Or maybe I’m just not stellar enough to have kept his mind from wandering. He probably never did the Grace stunt on his ex, but he did it to me. It’s frustrating to not know why some things transpired because its hard not to think that for some reason I just don’t measure up and that’s why I’m being cheated like this. Maybe he and grace sent sexy nudes to each other (and then when I sent him some he was like meh cuz I’m boring remember), or maybe he fantasized about her, wrote her a paragraph on what he was going to do with her, what he thought about doing to her (when I sent him a text like that he ignored it because how would that be worth his time if he was writing one for Grace), or maybe he thought about how amazing that sex would be, maybe she’s smaller than me and he likes that. Maybe he actually did fuck her (how would I know? He can’t even tell me when he’s watched porn so how would he tell me he cheated?). Maybe he still thinks about her. Maybe its just me that still thinks about it. But its hard to think he ever got over her when he went back so many times. I wonder why he’s with me if he doesn’t even really want to look at me or do anything with me. And why did it happen in the first place? I know its possible to love someone that you have cheated on (whether he actually cheated or its just porn and flirting which is right next to it) but damn its hard being on the other end of it. How does someone do that to someone they love? I know I did it because Hector gave all his attention to Ruthann and I couldn’t get his attention till I did that. But I don’t think that’s the case here. I haven’t been with any guys or even wanted to since Ethan. If anything I’m clingy and give too much attention which makes Ethan kick me out. I just hope that if he did do anything with her, he would come clean about it, I know it would be hard on me but me not being sure if I can forget about Grace or not is even harder because I don’t know when it ends or when it’ll pop up again.
     
  7. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    January 23, 2018

    Today is a bad day again. I wish that porn had never happened to us. I’m ready to forgive Ethan for all of it but damn forgetting is easier said than done. I wonder how porn was worth more than his honesty, my feelings and our sex life. I remember once he said that it was a stress thing or a comfort thing but isn’t that what I am supposed to be? I’m here for him to talk to and confide in and share his personal fears with. But somehow a screen of fucking girls was of more comfort to him than a real person who actually cares about him and will have sympathy for the things he feels. I truly believe that porn interfered with a lot more aspects of our relationship than we previously thought and sometimes it surfaces on me. I wonder if he ever has bad days like me and feels guilty or sorry for every he did. I wonder if he wishes he could erase it all too (lol who am I kidding)?

    I’m having a very hard time maintaining my confidence, one moment I’m like hell yeah girl you are fine as hell and sometimes I’ll show it off to Ethan since I think there is no way in hell he could turn that down and then I get a reply of lol. Slap across the face. The whole reason I made those pants with holes in them was because you mentioned them one time and how sexy it was at a comic-con when the holes were cut in the right place on someone so I tried to re-create for you and he just said lol. I’m hoping I can keep rolling with the punches. I think the biggest thing is that I know that he doesn’t mean to slap me down intentionally but it still sucks. I really feel like I am trying way too hard and still get rejected at every corner. Tomorrow I’m hoping to go the gym to work on my butt and legs…for Ethan. Hopefully I make progress and he notices..

    I don’t even hate porn with the same conviction I once did but its still probably one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve had to endure. Multiple times at that. If I ever find out he broke his promise again I might snap (but probably not). I feel like that song Holes by Passenger that Ethan showed me. I have a lot of holes but life still carries on, and so do I. Even if there’s a hole in my bed, a hole in my chest, and a hole in my faith, etc, etc, I will carry on. Sometimes I feel like I have holes in my hands too; everything I try to hold onto just sifts through my hands.

    I hope that one day I can see that porn was just a habit to break and nothing more. I can’t keep letting porn be a reflection of my own incompetence. I suppose it is like they say, the most happy people are the most depressed, and so goes for me: the most competent people are the least competent. I doubt Ethan knows that I still am not handling this well. That night that I cried in his game room and then upstairs in his arms? Still happens. Except I’m alone now. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse…
     
  8. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    January 25, 2018

    Is it possible to think that someone is the one for you when they’d hide, lie and cheat you? How can he say that he wants to have a life with me when he doesn’t really want me? Sometimes I think that he just doesn’t want to be alone with himself and that’s why he’ll let me crash and burn right beside him. I remember when I first went to school for second year and I was walking home and it was such a nice day out. Sun shining, cool breeze, fresh air. And he texts me. He asks if he can hang out with Grace. I thought it was the end right there. My good day just became a picture in a frame and it was suddenly 6000 feet away from me. I thought, I’m out here and I can’t do anything. Nothing is stopping him. I thought that he would go out with her, find out he really likes her and maybe it wasn’t just a crush. He’d slowly stop coming up every weekend and I’d be angry but unable to prove any sort of affair. And to this day, I still can’t. I hate that I don’t trust him when I want to. He told me nothing happened but I’m not even sure. He says he doesn’t talk to her but I’m not even sure of that. It wouldn’t be the first time he neglected to tell me and there I was none the wiser of this thing shoved in the ground of our relationship making bigger cracks as time goes on from its weight.

    I need you to make me smaller promises and show me that you can keep them. I need you to beg profusely for forgiveness; constantly tell me how ashamed you are of what happened. And tell me why it happened. I want a reason for every single lie and half truth you told me. I want a reason why you didn’t change when I asked you to. Why you said you would if you weren’t going to. Why you thought that watching some porn was worth more than your own honesty. Why it was worth more than my tears and why it was worth more than me questioning myself. And if it was worth more to you than me then why did you let me sit in between it? Surely you can’t be cruel enough to think its funny to watch me get torn to pieces by it. And the biggest kicker is that you never even tried. Not once. You never went to me and said hey I have an urge help me through it. NO. You gave in to it, every time. You never went more than a day without it. Even when I was home you couldn’t stop yourself. How can you say I’m the one for you but disrespect me so? And so I need you to apologize again, and again, and explain what the hell happened. Tell me more about yourself. I know you want to curl up and hide because you’re wanted and on the run. But you can’t. I want you to believe in me as much as I believe in you. I believe in you hard enough to let you comfort me when you caused my pain.

    I want you to stop using porn and weed to solve your problems and try me. I can’t fix them but porn and weed don’t fix anything either. They just make it worse. If you truly don’t want to feel alone in the world anymore you have to stop using things that isolate you. Porn made you think it was better. You said to me once that it does you nothing wrong. Well here’s what it did wrong: it made you Connor but in a different way. It made you pick me up and then throw me away when you were bored. And that’s not right. Look at you parents, do you think your Dad looked at your mom and then threw her away? Is that what made them live a happy life with a house, two kids, and a successful marriage? Well? Is it?

    Again, I need you to be sorry that you did that. That porn took precedence over me. That Grace took precedence over me. That sex games took precedence over me. That chatting to girls online took precedence over me. I need you to carefully think out the biggest apology you’ve ever made in your life. Only then will I be able to start forgiving you for the past and start trusting you again. Only then will I stop crying about my worthlessness.
     
  9. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    Feb 09, 2018

    I haven’t seen Ethan in two weeks now and I won’t be seeing him tomorrow for the weekend either. Soon, my reading week is coming up. I am excited to see him and be with him but at the same time I am starting to get worried about finding out that he is watching porn again. I know its not good but I will need to really dig for it for this time because I know that he is going to be trying to hide it (if he’s watching it still). But, I have a plan for how to find out. Either way, I really hope that I don’t find ANYTHING because I don’t know if I can be with someone I don’t trust. I already don’t think he’s living up to his promise and I think the grace thing will happen again (even if with another girl or grace herself). I love him deeply and it pains me to think I would have to break up with him but I cant keep doing this. I don’t deserve it. So, I hope that I will find something if its there (but hopefully he has just lived up to his promise) and if I find that something, I really hope that I will have the courage to be able to walk away. I hate that its even an option but I will not spend my life with a lying porn addicted man. I will not marry that. I will not have kids with that. I pray that there has been no porn for both of our sakes…I guess time will tell, I will write more about what I find, or don’t find…
     
  10. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    March 13, 2018

    I just very suddenly realized that he could easily be using incognito mode to browse porn in secret (or his phone). This is a very scary thought to me since I’ve been trusting him these last few months but realistically what do I know? I wish porn never existed because I am not even sure if I believe him anymore. Every time he seemed genuine it was all a lie so whats stopping him from doing that again? Maybe I’m too naïve to not be taken advantage of... Also Ethan came over on the weekend (finally) and I mentioned something about Grace and he said that all the things he suggested weren’t to her liking…So he did message her sex things. Great. Last I heard it was her apparently, but I think his slip of word shows that that’s not true either. I’m trying not to think to hard about it but I’m wondering if I need to know exactly what happened to get some closure? Well, I’m not seeing him for another three weeks anyways so I hope I either forget about it or can wait until then without getting pissed off or sad about it. I have a midterm tomorrow, why am I worrying about this?

    You know, I just love him so much but damn he’s so fucking stupid. I mean how am I supposed to think I’m the only one for him when that’s happened, multiple times, and I’m still not even sure any of it has really gone away? And that’s just the worst part, I can’t even tell when I’m being lied to and I feel like such an idiot for it. And it was only a brief thought but he’s going to the club with his friends, I’m glad he’s going out to have fun but if anything happened, would he even tell me? Honestly I wouldn’t put it past him to flirt with a girl or talk one up. Why is it so hard for men to be loyal? I have never had a thought of someone else since I started dating him and here I am not even sure if he can really keep it in his pants. And if some guy tries to flirt I just tell them I have a boyfriend and tell them to tone down but no Ethan wouldn’t do something like that. He’s too wrapped up in another girl thinking about him that he fantasizes about them right back. Or at least that’s how it feels. He’s opened up recently so I think maybe some real change happened and that he is getting back on track but I can never really be sure. I wonder if I’ll ever be sure again.

    He just texted me and said goodnight. For the past few weeks he’s been not really texting a lot like I even said hey text me when you feel like it but I guess he doesn’t feel like it anymore. I was kind of expecting some sort of conversation over those five hours not just a goodnight. I wonder if he watched porn before going to bed tonight too? I really don’t want him to do that st. patty’s thing. Truth is, he hasn’t talked to me or seen me much and I have no idea what’s going on in his life. I’m starting to feel a bit second place again but he said that he was coping with something and this was how he was doing it. Who knows what it is. Its weird, I simultaneously feel better and worse about him. Most of the time I don’t think we’ll ever break but sometimes I get those profound moments where I’m just like what are we doing. I mean am I really good for him? I’m never physically around and I can never understand what he’s going through. He mentioned that that was a probably a reason for his interest in Grace too; that she hated the world with him. (Why that understanding meant they needed to bang and go behind my back though I have no clue). But I do agree, it is probably something valuable to have in a FRIEND (did you hear that Ethan?). My mind is kind of all over the place but lately he has been mentioning Sam a lot like just stop. Please. Nobody cares about her anymore why are you still hung up on it? Why do you follow Connor’s exes on Instagram? Its weird, honestly. But whatever, that’s not something worth battling for. Kinda weird though like just stop. I feel like he has this obsession with girls that I haven’t quite grasped and that freaks me out a little. I just want him to like be a normal old joe about it like here’s my wife, I fuck my wife, I love my wife. Sometimes I see a girl and its not a big deal because I have a wife. And I chose my wife for a reason. I’m not a creepy guy who lusts after everything he sees. Dammit Ethan just stop looking up to Connor. Having 10000000 sex partners is stupid. Cuz you want to know who’s alone and dating someone he doesn’t see a future with? Yeah, that’s right Connor. All due respect, I like Connor, but you need to stop thinking his kill count is cool. I don’t think you know but I told your mom about the Grace thing. She actually said what are doing and that you’re gonna lose me. I mean its pretty bad when I’m so distraught I have to talk to your mom about it. And she didn’t even defend you because it was totally the stupidest thing you could do and your mom looked disappointed (in me for staying after that or in you for doing it, I’m not sure). Your mom is really helpful with that stuff like she tells it what it is. Another time I asked her about other girls and she said that when Tom says something about a girl, she does what that girl did (i.e Tom commented on this baking outfit a hot girl wore and your mom damn right wore that outfit for him). She told me that it was silly for me to get jealous of the girls and I’m glad she did. I think it helped but you still definitely need(ed) to get your act together too.
     
  11. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    March 18, 2018

    So on our three year anniversary he played magic with Kevin and Ben which is all fine and well and he said he would send me a nice long text except it never came so I texted him about it the day after and he said of yeah I’ll write it right now and he never did. That whole day I never got that text from him. I know he’s going through stuff but I still supported him despite getting more angry with him these past few weeks and I cant vent it to him cuz he’s never here and he barely texts me back anyways. But that’s besides the point, I am supporting him despite my stuff and just because he has stuff doesn’t mean that he can just forget about me. It st Pattys today and I’m fucking miserable. He hasn’t said anything to me in over six hours even after I texted him back again. I know that he is out drinking but god fucking dammit he hasn’t seen me or talked to me much and I’m getting so frustrated with him like I don’t just disappear when its convenient for him. Cant he just take a second? I texted him about a mark that upset me earlier and it took him two hours to respond. Yeah thanks for being there jackass. And now hes at a stupid club and he hasn’t even tried to say anything to me and now I’m having those grace flashbacks and I just want them to go away/. And I want to talk to hima bout it but hes not available t talk to, like, at all. And I’m just getting more and more furious every day. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he hooked up with a girl or got their number or flirted with one. That’s the kind of person I think he is now. Hes not loyal. He just sees boobs and hes gotta have it. He’s been mentioning that I’m boring for over a year now. Like its my fault? I don’t know what to do about it, I cant change my face and body for you. The hair thing didn’t even work last summer I remember I got it dyed red (that fantasy colour of his) and it took forever for him to do anything with me. So no, I can assure you that dying my hair blue isn’t going to work. Plus Connor is there, I like Connor but I don’t think he would knock sense into Ethan about not cheating or hitting on other girls. I probably sound crazy for thinking he would do those things but I honestly am just a step away from expecting them. You know, I still cant believe he texted grace and was the first to mention sex and sex stuff. Fucking trash. And here I am too in love with him to stop him from hurting me. I still cry about this almost every night. Its really a matter of time before he goes back to porn or a sex game or a girl. It really is. He obsesses about Sam, Becky, Grace, probably his stupid drug dealer now. Oh and at a game night apparently a girl was over and no he never thought to mention that? I mean I just don’t trust him plain and simple and its sad. Its really sad, An its pathetic. Pathetic of me. I continually think I’m not actually the one he wants cuz I never feel that way. At field parties he never stays by my side, he runs off to do god knows what. He never defended me in front of Hope. He says hes bored like all the time. He texts other girls inappropriate stuff, and not just once, not just twice, not even just three times, literally way too many times and I think he still does. If he wanted my trust back he would have to confess everything he has done and when and why. And he would delete any and all photos and he would have to throw out his magazines and posters and get porn blockers or something and accountability software. And he would have to tell me about al the girls he talks to and what he talks to them about. And maybe a phone check up if I ever get suspicious. I think this no trust thing is gonna be a big problem soon like whats a relationship without trust? Plus not only do I not trust him but I know how undesirable I am to him which just gives him even more incentive. On the bright side, he said he would get diagnosed and stuff so I hope that goes well. Sometimes I feel like we would be better off as friends because I think I could help him more that way. He can trust me and I wouldn’t have to get mad at him for girl stuff. He can just do whatever the hell his stupid dick wants. And then get over it and treat some other girl like they should be. And then maybe they can feel like they are the only girl in the world. I also sort of hope he just cheats and tells me so that I can stop worrying about it and start dealing with it instead. I don’t know if he would still text me if we were just friends though. I mean he kind of barely does as is now. And there is no way he would drive all the way up here to hang out with a friend. Yeah, I guess we wouldn’t be friends if it came to that.

    I’m angry that if I live with him again then he cant make up for not seeing me. ALSO (cant remember if I mentioned it already) the last time he did show up, he was an hour late. AN HOUR. Man, what a wild world it is becoming.

    I feel like crap.
     
  12. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    April 30, 2018

    I was suspicious yesterday since I was gone all day and he was home for the whole time I was gone. He had every ability to go to my family thing and didn’t. But I’m not even really mad about that, I’m mad that he probably watched porn when he had something he could have done with me and my family. That pisses me off like no fucking tomorrow. He said he was high which ok fine not really cool but I mean whatever at least he was honest about it but I am almost certain he watched porn and he didn’t even wanna jerk off when I got home or anything which kinda just gives me more reason to think he’s already gone and done it himself. And then also, he went downstairs after we woke up in a hurry and I didn’t come down right away and then his door was closed and I heard no noises, I mean I’m deaf so maybe I just didn’t hear, but it made me think he could be looking at it again. Either way, I finally caved and looked at his computer while he was gone (I really need to get a grip on that, I can’t be sneaking in every time I’m suspicious), and then I figured out HE IS TOTALLY STILL WATCHING PORN THE FUCKING GODDAMN BASTARD. I know he’s going through stuff so I don’t want to make a big deal of it but its been two fucking years, when is this stupid shit gonna stop? I’m livid. Tonight I’m going to confront him and ask him to show me or admit to me everything he’s been doing and give me his real fucking progress. Every single time I think we’ve made progress its all just an illusion that I want to believe so badly.

    I wonder when I’ll accept porn is just gonna be here forever and I can never out win this race.

    I feel like Kyrstin and Arrin, Arrin (Ethan) can’t even be honest about fucking anything and this whole thing is gonna blow up in our face’s at one point or another because without trust there is no fucking relationship. Lol when we had that break he was all sad and pouty about me not trusting him and how we can’t be together if I cant trust him. He’s absolutely fucking right. But if he wants trust he has to goddamn earn it, this is NOT my fault. I have tried to make this an open space for him to talk and he still refuses. So fuck you. I don’t trust you. Again. This is such bullshit.
     
  13. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    May 5, 2018

    Trigger: Him going downstairs for alone time with the laptop

    I thought I was done with the porn thing and I actually think I almost might be, all my feelings today started from that porn trigger but the feelings were more focussed on him making a promise (for no porn) and then going downstairs for alone time with the laptop; this was a common way for him to use porn without my knowledge or at least keep me out of the way so he could use it, hence the trigger. And if he was using porn, then breaking the promise. Another feeling that went through my head was him lying, constantly so that he could break those promises without me knowing. Then, I thought about how many times I’ve been really upset by these events and his porn use and how he still did all of it anyways despite my feelings.

    Why would someone do this to someone they love? And porn hasn’t done him any harm? Are you fucking serious? God that line makes me furious, my pain is completely irrational to him, and it fucking always will be. I mean yeah it only hurts your significant other enough to make her cry in your fucking arms and stay in the bedroom for days or almost break up with you or leave the house. I’ve been telling him how hurtful it is for forever now and it clearly makes no difference. He just has absolute disregard for all my feelings. I honestly can’t fucking believe this. Does this mean he always lies to me about everything? Does this mean that he doesn’t care about my feelings ever? Does this mean that him hurting me is not a guilty conscience of his? What am I doing in this relationship? I don’t even know who he is. He says he would kill himself if we broke up, does that mean that he would kill himself if he had to stop porn? I mean its clearly more important to him than I am to him.

    The fact that he says porn is important to him and that it is the only thing that does him no harm just proves to me again that he’s not ready to change. I’m glad I can spot the bullshit now. Guess your fancy “I’m actually going to do something about it this time” didn’t work asshole. I was just looking at my past entries and its actually hilarious how you kept saying the same thing and I just kept listening over and over again even though all you were was a broken record.

    If he ever has any hopes of really stopping and convincing me (refer to the following list):

    -accountability software

    -remove the sexy Instagram cosplayer

    -delete the photos on his computer

    -delete any photos of his exes

    -sitting with me and reading this journal and/or consulting me about how I’ve felt all this time

    -asking me what he can do for me to make me believe him or feel better (shows initiative)

    -just trash the porn mags and posters (more a suggestion but damn that would impress me)

    Per: Jan 25, 2018

    Again, I need you to be sorry that you did that. That porn took precedence over me. That sex games took precedence over me. That chatting to girls online took precedence over me. I need you to carefully think out the biggest apology you’ve ever made in your life. Only then will I be able to start forgiving you for the past and start trusting you again. Only then will I stop crying about my worthlessness.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It should be easy.
    If he loves you.
    These are good boundaries..
    What are the consequences tho if he breaks them?
     
  15. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    I don't know, honestly, I sort of gave up on hoping he would stop or asking him too. I said one line that stuck with him: If you want this arguing cycle to really stop, we either have to break up or you have to stop. I gave him the ultimate decision to cut porn out or cut me out without it being an angry controlling demand if that makes sense. I was exhausting my energy and livelihood by wondering and worrying and wasting all my thoughts on it so I just stopped. Then he finally took some initiative to tell me when he used it and he asked about getting accountability software without my asking or prompt.

    I got tired and told him he can do whatever he wants but if he watches it or if I am even suspicious that he watched it, I wouldn't want to have sex with him and I wouldn't want to cuddle with him because it turns me off and quite frankly it disgusts me. I think the videos and the categories are disturbing and I think that my pulling away made him realize how much it took from us. It wasn't an intentional consequence but it is working nonetheless.

    Since I actually feel grossed out, it doesn't take any effort on my part to distance myself. There was the week after that last argument and I was in a different room all week, I hung out with my friends, my mom, his mom, and left him alone at home with no dinner that I made for him and I left his dirty work clothes to him to wash ( he never did and then wondered why he smelled bad) and everytime he tried to snuggle in bed I would turn away. I think this was his changing point and since then he has admitted a lot to me (that I didn't know before) such as using his phone, incognito, urges to search up tits at work, etc. I believe the urge to look at tits at work also gave him a wake up call, he started off by saying that only creepy dudes look at porn at work and what the hell was he going to accomplish anyways? He said he didn't want to be that creepy guy who looks at porn at work and looked visibly distressed about it.

    In conclusion, I suppose the consequence is distance and me leaving him on his own with no support until he comes to me himself. I think it has also helped that I have taken a step back and don't get mad at him for watching it anymore (there's no more tears and yelling) and I think it also helps that I said all it has to be is a suspicion, I don't even need evidence of porn anymore. Then he realized how often I am suspicious (and right) and saw 0 of me for days. You want what you can't have right? lol

    So if he is stopping he has to prove himself to me because I'm done chasing the rabbit down the fecking hole.
     
  16. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    June 6, 2018

    WARNING: A lot of anger and swearing. I would also like to say that this does not reflect how I truly feel, I realize it is very hateful and I suggest not reading it if you are prone to hateful comments. This is just how I felt in the moment of anger and once again, this does not truly reflect me as a person.

    I’m having my first meltdown again in a while. I worked all weekend and I just know that he watched porn but he hasn’t told me about it yet. But literally there is NO fucking way he didnt because I was gone the entire time. I tried to wake him up about four times and he never even moved. I just wanted to ask him if he watched porn and see if he would lie to me again or tell me the truth. But then why didn’t he already tell me? I have given him more than enough time to tell me…It makes me wonder if this whole him slowing down/ telling me when he does it is just another façade in the life of Ethan. Man, why do I keep letting myself get duped by him? I’m so angry at myself for actually falling into this AGAIN. I’m such a disappointment, I can’t even see him for what he really is. Love really does make you blind doesn’t it?

    I am going to leave this soon, I can’t keep doing this cycle. It’s a waste of my time.

    I honestly don’t even know why I cling to him so hard like fuck, half the time he doesn’t want to see me, half the time he is watching porn and/or lying, and another half of the time he is just a high or drunk dude. And that’s not even the end of it, I’m literally so horny that I fucking stuck a dildo up my ass, my pusy AND rubbed my clit all at once and all I could think about was him doing it to me but he never does that with me. I’m never in his sexual thoughts). Why does he still do everything to turn me on but I do nothing for him? [email protected]$%. Sh*t. [email protected]$%.

    I’m just a horny, sad, delusional fucking b**tard. If I can’t see past his lies or omissions of truth and do what’s best for me then I fucking deserve to feel like I’m disgusting, unattractive, lumpy, and as sexy as a fucking lump of cat [email protected]

    I want out of this, like now. I hate being here with this lying addicted cocksucker. Man I’m so [email protected]$%ing angry, I’m repeating I hate him, I hate him, I hate him over in my head like a [email protected]$%ing soothing mantra.

    I don’t want to sleep with him, I don’t want to touch him, I don’t want to see him, I want him to fucking suffer for this crap. Make you feel like worthless fucking trash worth less than some fucking slutty fake anime tits. GOD I HATE PORN. This is literally disgusting, as if he dare prefer that. What an @$$hole, douche and just I don’t even know what to say other than he is the literal worst and when I finally walk away I know that I am gonna be so glad I did it. Except that all men do it right? LOL. Stupid [email protected]$%ers jerking there [email protected]$%ing dicks for eternity and watching fucking gros videos, cheating, and talking to other girls. I literally do get treated like [email protected] a gazillions. I should have seen these red flags long before. MNF club? You just thought that what she said was hot by making you call her mistress when you have a perfectly fine girlfriend you can COMMUNICATE that to actually do it instead of some [email protected]$%ing stupid wh*re. He’s literally been cheating our whole fucking relationship!!

    Can’t stop talking about big tits or threesomes. Thought about cheating, snapchatted Grace (probably nude or revealing). Almost actually cheated, talked to girls even when it was SO fucking inappropriate. Ew, his mind really is just gross like fuck, how corrupted. One day I have to have the fucking guts to tell him these things just so he suffers. Literally no other reason. I really fucking hate him right now. Oh and escorts and sexy Instagram girls, and Connors exes. What a freak and like obsessed much? This is exactly what I don’t want to be with. Why am I fucking here? This relationship is doing nothing for me, he cant even be loyal or at least fucking tell me when he isn’t loyal. I wanna fucking gut him and spear him thorugh the dick hole and then cut his nuts off and make him fucking eat them nice and slow. Maybe make him choke to death on one of them while I slice his dick into little sandwich meat pieces and then he can watch me chew on them then spit them right back in his [email protected]$%ing face.

    I am so not a hateful person but damn I really do hate him. He deserves all the sh*t he has coming to him and the--I am not getting anywhere with this.

    I kind of do hate him but I also love him and that’s just so how it is. I just wish he would be honest. We’re never gonna get out of this. He’s always going to be an addict and he’s never going to desire me again.

    I guess I’ll just go back to bed, this is pointless, always has been. I really wish I was still blissfully ignorant of porn and him. Oh well, some things you can’t change. I just hope I can go back to not believing a single word he says to prevent this from happening again. It never gets better. I should know that by now.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
  17. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    June 16, 2018 10:20am

    He asked for alone time. Right after I just had a half hour shower where he was alone. He was scrolling through youtube and there was a video about sexy costumes in games. I think he is watching it now or it triggered him to porn.

    Why am I always getting kicked out so he can look at other women (real or fake)?

    All of my pain just completely disappears the moment he gets a f*cking boner.

    Another SO said this in another thread and it really hits the spot:

    "I know that it's not supposed to be my fault. That it's his problem and not mine. But I can't help but feel that it IS my fault. If I were prettier, if my boobs were bigger, if I dressed sluttier, maybe he wouldn't have done this. Before moving out I offered to have phone sex with him or send him pictures or that if he felt horny he should call me and we could talk...and he still would rather go to some girl on the internet. How can that mean anything other than the fact that I am not enough, that I will never be enough for anyone? How can I possibly compete with perfect porn stars or pornographic DRAWINGS. How many times do you have to forgive someone until they start treating you right, or telling you the truth? I just don't know what I keep doing wrong. Maybe this is just how men are and I need to learn how to accept it."
     
  18. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    June 16, 2018 11:46am

    He came back downstairs and yup. He did. He admitted it, he watched porn. Why do I have to be pushed out of your life so you can watch that shit. Christ. Couldn’t have just done something with me, no of course not. I was only naked from the shower before you decided to watch porn. He must be pornosexual. What a great thing for me to be in a relationship with. I’m never gonna be satisfied if he prefers porn over me, period.

    All fears confirmed. Porn IS better than me. Case closed.
     
  19. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    July 16, 2018 9:13pm

    I’m not particularly sad now but I’m bummed out and disheartened. Why is it so hard to give up? What can porn possibly have that is so important? Why am I not that important? What am I missing? I want him to not be able to keep his hands and mind off me, not porn. Really, what am I missing? What’s wrong with me?
     
  20. Brittsyboos

    Brittsyboos Fapstronaut

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    July 19, 2018

    So first I was late getting off work and Ethan was pissed. I know he didn’t say it but he wasn’t too happy about it and I knew it was gonna happen too. Anyways so we get home and I go upstairs and I’m gathering up the blanket and there’s wet spot. So he watched porn. Well, never mind that I was gonna try to have sex tonight (my first initiation in a while). I appreciate him coming into town to get me after he already got home though…but like porn, eh? Fine. Its pointless to be sad about it anyways.
     

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