Dec 31, 2017 I am vastly disappointed. I want to put as much of my faith in him as I can, but, today is just yet another day where I have discovered his lies (fourth or fifth time after I’ve given him months to change it now?). A few days ago, I had asked if I could look through his computer to check if he was keeping up on his progress with only watching porn once a week. When I asked he said its fine but then told me that he hadn’t been keeping up the past two weeks due to plowing. He even told me how sorry he was that he had such a lame excuse. I was thrilled, I was so proud of him for just being honest with me and just because he slipped up the last two weeks didn’t mean that he made no progress, and any progress is amazing! Then, last night he came home from plowing and asked to be downstairs for an hour but as he stayed down there longer my mind began to fret. I thought: “He might be downstairs to watch porn. I should check.” But, I held off until the hour was up then came in after and even knocked to let him know I was there. Then, I finally got around to checking his computer out and what do I find? Well, first off, he had watched porn the night before, while I was asleep. Not to mention, I had wanted sex the whole day before and he couldn’t think to come to me first, just as he never does. I have had my heart and self-image torn in two so many times that it is so small that it can’t be torn further. Now I just feel nothing, I know I would be mad and hurt and feel betrayed, but instead I am just disappointed. Its almost like I’m looking at Ethan in third person view now. All these nights I have been cuddling up close to him because I thought he was finally accepting his addiction and doing something about it. But he’s not. It really doesn’t even appear that he has tried. I don’t want to undermine any progress that he may have made but I’m so tired of asking him for the past two years to change his habit and nothing has come of it yet. I feel I have been very lenient and forgiving and all I’m getting back is more secrecy and hiding. Its funny to think that I was proud of him being honest about the past two weeks being bad for him but little did I expect that the last three months since I started classes have been “bad” (AKA porn everyday, in most cases, multiple times a day). In addition, he also said that he wasn’t watching it at all when I’m home; another lie. I can feel myself slowly distancing myself and I am not sure I can put my faith in him again. He has betrayed it so many times. I just want this to end, its not fair to me to take away my sex life or intimacy for a virtual image; not when we are in a relationship that begs monogamy. I wish I knew what changed, we never started out on sex once a week if not longer, and even when we do, there’s hardly any passion in it. I haven’t felt sexy and ogled at in months (maybe even a year, I honestly don’t remember the last time we had a good sex session where we were both into it. He has gotten so selfish: He will masturbate onto me but I won’t get touched so I get no real pleasure out of it, or I will give him a blowjob and he barely cums, he always needs to use his own hands, and even if he does masturbate on me he rarely looks at me so it doesn’t feel like he is really stroking himself to me. And the worst part is that I know it won’t change until he wants to change. But I’m not even convinced that he knows he’s really hurting me.