No More Mr. Nice Guy Reflective activity (37): log of my sexual experiences

Trigger Alert! Explicit content!​

My first sexual memory is that we did a kissing game with two girls and a boy (we kissed the girls). This was my first kiss. I remember how insanely excited I was. These games happened a few more times and with other friends.
A few years later some boy friends went to the house of one of us and there we saw pornographic content and the friend introduced us to Omegle.
The next memory is the games that some boy friends decided to do after we watched some porn together and separately, kind of measuring sizes between us as mine was the biggest and it made me proud so I pushed that we keep playing like this more times.
I remember once we were quite a lot of people and we stood in a circle and everyone exposed their penises. After that I remember I started "having sex" with one of them in the middle of the circle and I guess everyone masturbated on me or something.
A pretty distorted experience when I look at it now.
Then I had a male friend named B I do not remember how we got to it but we decided we wanted to have sex just us because we could not get another partner and told ourselves we were "practicing" for the real thing and we "played" in the forest at night. There were no kisses or talks but mostly mutual masturbation and experience of anal sex.
These encounters were repeated several times in my and his house when we were alone. Slowly I saw that he was not really comfortable and doing it out of kindness. He just wanted me to suck him and that he'll fuck me and not really address what I wanted to do. Whenever we would finish we would both felt bad and once after he sucked mine he went to rinse his mouth and it offended me. After a while B told me he did not want to meet again and do it. I had similar encounters with two other male friends a little after.
Year after I offered to H (female) to be my girlfriend. H agreed and we enjoyed spending time together but she never wanted us to kiss or do anything sexual (although we were in fifth grade but as you understand I was quite developed for my age). All I could do with her was a kiss in the mouth and that too only after I begged.
I remember in sixth grade, at Spring, a beautiful new girl came to school, and all the boys wanted her, with the help of two girls who gave me advice, I said goodbye to H that evening and offered for the new girl to be my girlfriend. I do not really remember what made me do this thing, Which was quite contrary to everything I believed and felt, I'm sure I really hurt H but I felt it was fair because she never let me kiss her and we hardly ever met again. That night I kissed the new girl and felt the feeling of the first kiss. She broke up with me a week later because That she felt uncomfortable with what I did .After a month I was a friend of M (female), who also broke up with me after a week but we did kiss.
Since then I have not been in any sexual contact with girls until ninth grade, but I did had lot of "crushes" on girls but I was always afraid to do anything about it. I will note that I have never had a romantic crush on boys but only sexual thoughts.
In ninth grade at a time when I had a bunch if new friends and we would do a lot of nonsense together and some of them included games like truth or dare and so on kissing, mooning and all sorts of other perverted things.
After that there were a lot of crashes and two girls I've asked to go out with, But I didn’t get to a sexual experience until twelfth grade.
One of my classmates invited me to her birthday party. After everyone went to bed she asked me if I wanted to come and sleep with her and of course I agreed. We slept next to everyone so we waited all night rubbing and got horny until about four in the morning we realized everyone was asleep we started having dry sex.
A few months later I met someone named S (Female), a friend of a friend. I met her at some birthday party also of a mutual friend of a friend. All evening we looked at each other and danced together. At the end of the evening we went to sleep and I was in her room and we started kissing (we were both drunk) I started to get on top of her but she was probably stressed and asked me to stop and that she did not really know me. I immediately stopped and she thanked me for respecting her and we went to bed cuddling.
After two years when I was in a Birthright Israel, I met a girl named M. We started talking after a few days on the trip and people were already starting to talk about all kinds of couples who connected during the trip. The American boys in the room told me that they had noticed that she was keeping an eye on me and that I should hit on her. After consulting with some American girls, I went to meet her and realized that she was interested. because on the trip it was forbidden to have sexual contact and especially for soldiers like me. We went to a low balcony of electrical cabinets and started kissing there in the moonlight, it was very romantic. After that we stayed pretty close along the trip and I also bought her a lunch. one evening we went to dance and we danced very close and we went to the alley and started making out. I brought her a souvenir from me, and she really loved it. Last night I was put into a room with only one roommate instead of three. We jumped at the opportunity and asked the partner to leave the room until the next activity. When he left we started kissing but I was really scared that we would be caught because we were a room next to the guides so I suggested we turn up the TV and move on. She agreed and we started to undress. She wanted me to do oral for her and this is the first time I'd oral to a girl. After that she started to do me handjob and blowjob but it hurt me quite a bit so I asked her to stop and masturbated alone. She asked me if I wanted to cum on her but I thought it was not worth it because we might get caught so instead I cummed on myself. After cleaning myself I did a little handjob for her while we did a dry anal. We saw that it was time for the activity and she told me that she really enjoyed it even though she did not finish but she told me it was okay. On the day of departure we sat down to eat together and went to the toilet and kissed a little more.

I've been using porn ever since I was exposed to him then at a very young age. I would come back from school every day and if I was alone I would automatically open up to porn and masturbate. I remember how slowly the taste changed and I loved watching lesbians, men and trances. At one point I started going to chat video sites, at first to look for girls but in the end I would masturbate with boys as well. In eighth grade I was traumatized when someone, impersonating a girl, started talking to me and told me that if I confirmed him on Facebook "she" would send me nudes. I stupidly agreed and then the user copied my friends list and wrote me that if I won't transfer money to him he would send the videos he filmed me and send to all my friends. It was the worst week of my life and I did not know what to do, after reporting dozens of times the user was deleted and I did not hear from him again. After that I swore I would not go to these sites anymore but after a few months I went back to them. This behavior has accompanied me throughout high school and in the military. It was only this year that I began to realize how much damage it had done to me over the years and how much I had missed out on life because of the effects of porn. Yes I have tried to quit in the past and while in the military but without success.

I am very ashamed of the video chats because I am looking for an interest in masturbating with boys even though in real life I do not want a relationship with a man and this puts me in a severe cognitive dissonance that greatly impairs my self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

Its sad how porn and sex ruin our growing phase. I appreciate your story and how much it took to get out. That is the hard part.

I wish you luck where you go from here.

 

Thank you man!