new year... my journal...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by starrieeyes, Jan 3, 2018.

  1. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    well, we're in 2018 now... @icnvnu and i have come to the conclusion that we absolutely need to change... health mostly... it's time. time for us to grow. i would like for him to be more serious about his recovery and health... one and the same? i would like for me to be more serious about my health and finances. i know we can do this. i have the faith, does he? it's hard to keep him positive. help! i try to tell him it's the power of thinking, right? i wake up and say it's gonna be a great day, but sometimes it's not and that's okay... life moves on. anyway, New Years was perfect... we stayed in and watched movies. fell asleep on the couch. woke up to go to bed 10 minutes to midnight. woke him up to say happy new year and give him a kiss and went to sleep! lol. best new years ever. lol.
     
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  2. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    addition: we still haven't gone over this site and lists, but i'm still hoping...
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    New year, new you! Right? That's how it works? Lol
    (man I hope so, for myself ;) )
     
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  4. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    right! i just hope we can stick to it!
     
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  5. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    well, day 5 of the new year... i have this strange feeling that he's hiding it from me again... i don't think it's possible with the restrictions that are on the phone and wi-fi, but an addict always finds a way, right? he says that he gets on this site and reads my posts and stuff, but doesn't talk to me about them... not that i need a conversation, but maybe just a little something to show me that he's trying? or even what he thinks about what i wrote. i know he can see all this and that's fine. he needs to see what i think when i'm not around him. is this normal? to be this stressed out about a significant other's addiction??? i need to build my self-esteem, but i would like him to help me with that, too. is that hard to ask? i would love to talk to him about his recovery, but i'm scared of his reaction. i need him to be serious about this. please. anyway, have a great day all!
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    It’s important to know that he’s trying and the importance of seeing them want to, for me I needed to see it to know I wasn’t sticking around and working on us in vain. I feel that it is crucial in my opinion to have to prove that, I know I truly need to see proof of progress and commitment to help restore trust.
    Having the tough conversations about the recovery on both sides is equally important or I would feel as though I’m swimming up current without a life jacket. It’s a huge part of understanding each others recovery and yes I think it’s all normal. I know I had those feelings and it almost felt like I forced into a passive state of communication when you can’t actually have the conversation.

    What scares you about his reaction if i may ask?
     
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  7. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    what scares me about his reaction? it's the immediate defensiveness and attitude that quickly turns into anger if i try to continue a conversation.

    you're absolutely right about needing to see the proof and steps. i HAVE to have these conversations in order to know that it's not in vain, as you said... how do i help him understand this?
     
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  8. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    there's some health issues that may come into play when it comes to his reaction, but it's not my place to talk about and/or mention... but how do i know, you know? without talking to him? it's practically impossible to know without talking to him, right? do i just keep going off hope and faith cause those only go so far...?
     
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  9. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I hear you. When all this started with my hubby and I 4 years ago I was afraid to have the talks with him for the very same reasons. I would get extreme anxiety over the thought of it, heart would race I would feel flooded and my ability to articulate would go out the window. I started to become preemptively defensive in anticipation of trying to have conversations with him, it was hard for me to not have the hard startups and or sound accusing towards him (that didn’t help on my end). It took a long time for us to learn how to fight, to have the hard conversations and listen to each others complaints with compassion and understanding. It took a lot of practice but also a hard mutual commitment to meet in the middle for both of us to forgive each other when we failed at it.
     
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  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m sitting here talking with my hubby @NF4L and going over about how much of what you describe sounded like him going through our affair recovery before DDay #2 four years later. We are discussing why he was the way he was then before the hard committed change happened after discovery/disclosures with his PA use.

    Reasons for the stonewalling, contemptuous behaviors/remarks and defensiveness could be a mix of things from Denial, guilt, secrets (further disclosure), dry PA and maybe not really willing to completely give it up.
    If he talks with you about it it’s possible then he’s forced to face himself and he’s unwilling to do so. My hubby wanted to ignore and avoid it so the conversations were difficult to have, he would stonewall and become defensive. I tried telling him I needed to talk but some of that could definitely come from the selfish mindedness of being a PA. For my hubby it took all the skeletons coming out of the closet and facing it before the true change happened for him and us.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
  11. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    well, we had a very small conversation about his recovery... he says he's doing well, but he M'd 2 weeks ago... he says he thought about us. there hasn't been any P as far as i'm aware. i think his response is guilt and shame. he didn't know it was a problem til i showed him it was a problem.

    sidenote: we just argued about me trying to show him that i care about him... wtf... he worked an 11 hour day painting and he's trying to fucking do shit around the house... he doesn't let me do anything when i get home from work, so why can't i do the same for him? is it not how that works? am i trying to be too "equal"?
     
  12. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    damn... i'm slacking on my journal... lol. it's the 9th... 9 days into the new year... nothing new to report... just trying to survive adulting.

    i miss him. i feel like i'm so busy that i don't see him ever... well, i'm not "busy" per sè, just gone for 12 hours a day... take 3 buses to work and 3 back... i need a break.

    have a good day, everyone!
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The buses thing is difficult.
    I hope he's being proactive while you are gone so much.
    I also hope you are doing some self care being so crazy with all the work stuff.
    I hope you are having a great day (or as good as can be)
     
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  14. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    wow, i have been so busy... we touched base on his recovery... he told me that he's tried to look stuff up, but it didn't work cause of the restrictions. we are doing so much better. he's occupied, been working more, yeah he has the urges, but he works through them and i am so proud of him. he did also say that he M'd twice, but it was him thinking about us... i know he's not supposed to M, but how do you not do that for 3 months straight when your SO isn't home a lot...? idk, either way, he's been amazing and we're doing great. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
     
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  15. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    It is progress As far as I am concerned. I felt the need to M my third day into NoFap. It was the last time, but I realized shortly after it just wasn’t necessary. I also ensured I wasn’t using conjured images of P or other material, and used images of my wife. Hope things are still going well for you, even if you are too busy to notice.
     
  16. starrieeyes

    starrieeyes Fapstronaut

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    hey! been so busy... BUT @icnvnu and i are doing amazingly! haven't had any issues with anything we're fighting less, loving more... my heart is full... ❤️❤️❤️
     
  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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