New User Introduction: Partner_Defeated

Dear Partner-Support Members

Only you can understand the state of mind and being one is in when the time came to join this forum and introduce oneself. I am defeated. I now find what is the last of my hope and comfort in introducting myself to people who experience what I am experiencing.

I was in a 3 year relationship with a porn-addict that ended because of exactly that. I met someone new, and found peace in the fact that being the partner of a porn-addict is over. Imagine the shock when I discovered 5 months ago that my partner of 4 years and now fiance is a porn-addict too.

During our 4 year relationship life has thrown difficulties on our path few relationships would be able to endure. That includes financial problems, immigrating to a foreign country with a foreign language, poor job prospects and a severe language barrier, debt, the effects of my major depressive disorder and abusive childhood on our relationship and lives, unemployment, a second immigration to another country with better employment potential and no language barrier but still no support group, a diminished sex life and then finally: discovering that history repeated itself, I am (and unknowingly have been) in the midst of a porn-addicted partner.

That Sunday afternoon in September 2017 unleashed the all-too familiar emotional hounds of hell on me. Betrayal. Broken trust. Rejection. Isolation. Broken self-esteem. Deceipt. Denial. Pain. Worthlessness. Soon followed the symptoms of PTSD that were here to stay. Heart palpitations. Flashbacks. Fear. Constant anxiety. Nausea. Nightmares. Poor concentration. Obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Hypervigilance. Anger outbursts. Finally, the relapse into another major depressive episode. During the past 5 months I have been torn back and forth between all of this and The-Why-Questions-With-No-Answers. He pledged to stop watching porn on that day.

He was very much aware of the effect pornography had on me after my previous relationship and promised that he will never do the same to me. I believed and trusted him but he clearly could not care and did it anyway. After what feels like a million constant fights and interrogations he confessed that many factors contributed and led to his porn use and the cessasion of our sex life for over a year. ''The circumstances after our immigration''. ''His erectile-dysfunction''. ''The financial problems and debt''. ''The terrible and excruciating jobs he was doing to generate income''. ''The reduced sensitivity during intercourse I was experiencing as a side-effect of my antidepressant medication''. ''Not wanting to take advantage of me during the major depressive episode I experienced after immigration''. ''I knew you didn't aprove of porn but I never knew it would make such a big impact on you and I will now stop''. And finally he dropped the bomb: ''I am not that attracted to you''.

This later fanned out into ''I am not attracted to the 80 lbs/40kg weight you have gained because of your medication''. ''I love you, but I am not attracted to you''. The fact that I loved him unconditionally and could not comprehend why he could not love me unconditionally made such an immense emotional impact on me that I now have an unhealthy relationship with food. I soon started losing weight and after I lost the first 11lbs/5kg I lost I saw no improvement in his intimacy towards me and it then heard ''I am not that attracted to you, yet.'' I have lost 37lbs/17kg over the past 5 months, and not in a healthy way. I hate my body, because the way it looks caused me all this pain and rejection. I hate my mental disorder too, because the medicine I rely on to control it caused me to gain the weight resulting in this pain and rejection. And finally, I have to accept in a state of helplessness that the pain and rejection I am enduring resulted from changes to my body I could never control or chose to have. It feels wrong but I am forced to accept it.

Through all of these signifficantly impacting statements about physical attraction he alternated between telling me he is in fact attracted to me, out of guilt I suppose. The last of the harsh comments was ''I will NOT be attracted to you if you are fat, that is how men are, and that is how it is''. I surrendered and internalized my inability to comprehend why I could not be loved unconditionally to this day.

I started to develop a strong focus on making love. It served as a temporary confirmation that he is attracted to me and validated me. I was trying to outcompete porn while full well knowing that no real person can do so. My self-worth started to depend on his willingness to have sex with me, and when he rejected my advances I felt crushed.

Our sex life did improve considerably as I shed the extra weight. We attended couples counselling in December 2017 / January 2018, but put a stop to it after 2 sessions as the constant repetition of telling the whole story triggered my depression severely. I opted for help from a community mental health service, he attended the sessions with me. We did our research and discovered the symptoms of major depressive disorder in a relationship and linked my inability to effectively deal with what happened with these symptoms.

Instead of perceiving my intense anger outbursts and mistrust as a personal attack and defending himself by proclaiming further hurtful statements, he had finally learnt to respond by comforting me instead. Nobody has ever managed to bring me this relief and comfort and I considered this an incredible benchmark of progress in our relationship. Through all of this he continued to look into my eyes and maintained that he had stopped using porn, that we are in this together, that he will look after me and care for me, that he supports me, and that he is on my team against fighting the symptoms of depression. I have been placing an unusual focus on sex.

I subscribed to a postal subscription box tailored towards people with depression and discovered the principle of self-care and mindfulness. I started putting the majority of my energy into self-help books and exercises to build back my self-esteem and repair the emotional and psychological damage I had incurred. We started a scrapbook and collected pictures of our common dreams and goals to focus on. The intimacy between us recovered, and he held my hand in public. We started spending more quality time together, and both of us made an equal effort to do special things for each other. I truly believed we came out the other end stronger and closer than ever.

As with all problems trust related, I succombed to the uncontrollable need to check up on his internet use ever so often. I took note of what I saw and two days ago something clicked in my mind. I realised that he was frequently downloading a different browser app on this phone different to what he normally uses, and deletes it soon after. I went into an anxiety attack immediately and I phoned him immediately and asked him about it. He assured me that it is not the case, managed to calm me down, told me that he understands that I react this way because of my depression, and that I need not worry. He is not going to abandon me, he is still in this with me, and he is surely not watching porn, a steady repetition of what I have heard time and time again over the past 5 months. I went as far as to apologize to him for my accusations, and thanked him for the comfort he brought me.

Two days ago I went back to do investigate, made note of the time and date on which he downloaded this browser app, and others. I recognised the onion router browser apps amongst them as we had watched a documentary about the onion router browser and the deep web. I confronted him, and in defeat he uttered ''I will pack my things''. He has been using porn all along, more frequently so on the dates where I hit rock bottom with depression and PTSD, nearly every day, sometimes twice a day.

Panic ensued, PTSD swallowed me whole. ''How could he continue doing this after what he saw it did to me''. ''How could he look me in the eye and comfort me with empty promises so sincerely, while carrying on with what caused me this distress behind my back''. ''How is it humanly possible to hurt someone, lead them to believe you have stopped this behaviour, and continue the behaviour regardless''. ''How could he manipulate me so far as to apologize for suspecting him, and thanking him for the comfort he brings me, when I was right all along''. ''How could I have made such a fool of myself in trusting him and believing him''. ''Why am I doing this to myself''. ''This is causing me harm and I am not emotionally equipped to objectify this and deal with it accordingly''. ''Why am I staying if I know this is damaging me, why am I codependant, anyone else would have left, I am doing this to myself''. ''Why am I not good enough. I lost so much weight, I read self-help books, and this is still not enough for him to stop''. ''Why do I have to accept that I have to share my intimate and sacred connection and bond with hundreds of naked women other than me''. ''Why am I not enough''.

His first response was ''I like looking at naked women, all men do, and I have been doing so all my life''. He never stopped, he just hid it better. ''If you knew you would leave me and I cannot lose you, I love you''. ''I never connected the suffering you have been through with the act of doing porn, it did not stop me, and I do not know why''. ''I worked hard to hide it because I don't want to hurt you and it therefore shows how much I love and care for you''. ''I don't really want to stop this because its difficult and uncomfortable but I know I have to to keep you''.

That's nice. Lie to me and lead me to believe your empty promises while doing exactly what you want behind my back regardless of how it affects me. Deceive me in order to keep me in your life, I am not human, I am an object for you to project your own guilt on and apologize on your behalf for your own wrongdoing. I can personally not comprehend, firstly, continuing behaviour that hurts someone you love, secondly, how one can win back someones trust and maintain such a believable front resembling a committed relationship while leading a second life behind closed doors, thirdly, going through such extreme measures to hide something you know will cause harm to and lose the person you love, and lastly, manipulate the one you love into thinking its their fault and making them apologize for your own wrongdoing and thank them in the process too. I am going back and forth between thinking his scewed reasoning is the result of a pornography addiction versus him being an individual with ideals and values that cross my boundaries and really does not coincide with mine. The fact that the man I love and adore so dearly managed to pull this off and think that is acceptable and just frightens the life out of me.

He joined NoFap on Thurday, and has decided that he wants to be the man I thought he was, and wants to be the man I deserve. He is hurting, I can see it. He is very motivated to stop, but I'm not entirely sure he has done enough research on what this entails. In fact I think I have already spent more time educating myself than he has. I have committed to support him, within the scope of specified boundaries. I am concerned that my intentions to do so underlines the codependent nature of this relationship. I need support, and phoned the crisis line last night to speak to an operator during an anxiety attack. She pointed me towards online support communities, as I cannot afford porn addiction counselling.

I realise this introduction is far too long. I doubt anyone has read my whole story. But I feel relieved that I was able to get this off my chest.

I need perspective, I need your support. I don't know where to turn and I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. I am defeated.

Thank You

 

Thank you. It means a lot that you read my story. It makes me feel less alone and consumed by the situation. I am unsure about what to do, but hope that I can learn from everyone here.

 

Thank You. I can finally give a voice to what I am going through here without being judged.

 

Thank you

 

Thank you. I am sorry to hear that this happened to you too. Did it ever stop? Is it repeating itself throughout your life? Did it improve?

 

Thank you for the response, it means a lot. Everytime I am flattened I get up and I hope and believe sincerely that this time things are going to be different. The last turn of events makes me feel that the sincere attempts I have been making to not give up on dreams of better are now lost. It does not matter what life brings on my path I have always gotten up and started over, my kindness and sincerity has never faltered. I never gave up on the innocent belief of kindness. This is a key trait of my personality which should be protected and cherished, but unfortunately I fear it's a piece of me that has been ripped out, trampled and broken. I never thought it was something I could lose. I'm sorry to say that I think that part of me has died and is gone forever and theres nothing I can do to get it back. I cannot comprehend or grasp that someone who loves a person can continue to cause them damage knowingly, but have to accept that this is infact possible. Now my innocent belief in kindness and good and a key part of who I am has died and I mourn losing it.