New to this. Where to start?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by daisy41, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. daisy41

    daisy41 New Fapstronaut

    We are 1 week clean but now he is having relapse dreams and starting to be distant again. We are in a 3 year relationship and I found out about the online accounts. When I told him that he cheated on me, and I needed to break up, he finally opened up to me about his addiction.

    We are still together, but separated, as a couple. We both plan to get back together in the future. I want us to work towards a place where we can be better for each other in the future.

    So where do we start? I don't know how to support him with this.
    I read on here about boundaries and consequences. Is that something I should try?

    I just don't know where to begin, but I want to help him the best that I can.

    Thank you,
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Hey @daisy41,

    Glad you're here, but not if you know what I mean.
    Good for you for standing up for your convictions. I'm proud of you for that.
    This is a good plan. I like it.
    First of all, you'll want to support him. And I want to be clear on that. That DOES NOT mean you do the work for him. None of it. He has to own it. He has to do it. If you do it for him, you are also enabling him.

    Second, you'll want Boundaries & Consequences. The sooner you get these in place, the quicker you can kickstart his recovery. If you want/need help with that, I have the best tools available.

    Third, you need to not worry about his recovery and focus solely on your own. You have suffered Betrayal Trauma whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

    You need to be steadfast in your resolve. DO NOT WAVER in it. Best cases scenario, a setback. Worst case scenario, you sever the relationship permanently, and take your battle scars with you. But this can be done.
    Yeah, that would be me...most likely. Yes, it is something you should DO, not TRY.
    Just keep in mind, you can't help him. You can support him. You need to make that distinction in your mind. The ONLY way this will ever work is if he owns it.

    How do you wish to proceed?
    daisy41 likes this.
  3. fabreezey

    fabreezey New Fapstronaut

    I am new here but pretty experienced with the whole recovering porn addict thing. It's a tough habit to kick, and I don't think I could have done it without my girlfriends support and understanding. She was crucial: how she acted, responded, and listened. She didn't judge but instead offered to help and frequently asked what she could do to help me recover. Obviously, everyone is responsible for their own actions and blaming porn for infidelity is a silly excuse, but I went through the same thing and I was caught texting other girls but never acted on it. I think porn really skewed my loyalty to the women I have dated and when I realized it and stopped, those feelings and desires to cheat or sleep around went away, and I have not even considered the possibility of cheating anymore after breaking my porn habit. I am optimistic and would urge you to help him and ask what you can do to help, even if it's for the sake of just helping him as a person recover from porn rather than get back together. That stuff fucks up your mind in weird ways and I bet you notice many positive changes in him over the next few months if he is really committed to stopping porn. I for one am more attentive to my girlfriends needs and desires now, and far better attuned to her physically and it's wonderful. I believe in second chances, and I think offering him support, researching porn addiction, and really dig deep with some personal questions about his own porn addiction and understand where he is struggling and why he is struggling with it. I hope this helps but seriously you could do something good here with this man.
    Lilla_My likes this.
  4. daisy41

    daisy41 New Fapstronaut

    Please help, I don't know where to start, but he told me he willing to set these in place.

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