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New to this - LONG INTRO

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vanessa vain, May 26, 2018.

  1. Vanessa vain

    Vanessa vain New Fapstronaut

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    hi all,

    So, where to begin? I have just exited a 2 year relationship that I thought was ending because he returned to a job that causes him to leave and travel for 6 months of the year. I thought life just happened and maybe in 6 months when he returns we could revisit and he has gone to every end to make sure he looked like he cared and loved me to the end.
    So, my ex definitely had an issue with sexuality/ED etc. that I could never quite put a finger on. When we first met he came across as overly sexual with a foot fetish into dommes talks of pegging etc but soon after I realized he actually wasn’t really sexual at all. It seemed like overcompensation to the max.
    A few months in I found Blue pills and when I approached him he told me he was prescribed an anti depressant a few years back that caused his sexdrive to pummel and it never returned. It all didn’t add up to me as he presented himself as being sexually advanced and into so many different things-examples: he bought me a black dildo, handcuffs, a cage for him (which he would use on himself) but nothing was ever used together. Nothing ever added up and I felt it was personal since I’m not his Jessica Rabbit hyperbole of a woman typical type.
    I would ask over and over again to understand if it was me personally and while he tried to comfort me and say it was him he’d also make comments about my physical appearance like “wear more makeup” “be my pinup” “stomp on my balls” “make me your money slave” “wear more high heels”. I realize I sound completely ignorant here but I really trusted him and having snooped on other bfs I felt if anything this guy might be flawed but he owns it imperfect but honest. I valued that call me crazy.

    Still, he maintained this was all an effect of anti depressants and after going off them his sex drive never returned. I finally asked him to get blood work and it showed low testosterone so it felt like we finally had the answer. He said he would abstain from anything sexual (which we were pretty much already doing) to see if he could reset his system. I didn’t quite understand because he denied use of porn too but I was onboard if it meant a semi normal sex life. Yeah, that never happened. He was affectionate loving etc but that was all ever.

    So, as I stated above the relationship was coming to an end or at least a halt because he took a job back on a yacht
    That would cause him to leave for 6 months and that’s not what I wanted from day one. Once he took the job I told him to move out and he really pushed to stay. I remained strong - in that time, he’d still have his packages and mail sent here which was like a reminder of what was while we lived together. I asked him to change the address and he didn’t-
    So, I snooped for the first time in 2 years I opened mail a credit card statement and I found all of these charges for A website and a phone number -I googled and it said live cam subscription services.
    I trusted him so implicitly that I asked him if he ever cheated either virtually or in IRL and he made me feel completely crazy. Like woah how sick am I that I had the audacity to ask this? “Yeah I had 14 online girlfriends”
    Okay, so I saw him that night we talked about committing to making changes to make things work in the future. I need to be less insecure and jealous was the theme pretty much.

    The next morning I woke up like this doesn’t make sense so I just went on the website entered his email address and it showed he’s been a member since 2013!!!! It was way to easy to find this out yet totally heart breaking.

    I ask him again he denies - I imply I know. He says he paid for porn “to watch girls fuck”- streamate is not porn, correct? He spent $950 in that pay period (money he doesn’t have) while we were together everyday and there’s no way he was even jerking off to it. It’s brokwn out so weirdly like $5, $17, $54 in one day skip a day $77 but all while we were sitting next to each other? I am a sharp business woman and observe things around me so even if he was chatting with them I would know if at any point he disappeared long enough to masturabte.
    He will not tell me anything, not that I would believe, but as you can imagine my world and understanding of what I thought was a relationship built on trust is completely shattered. His only explanation is that he fell back on an old habit and the statement I saw was the worst it ever was. I am supposed to believe a time when we were together everyday was the worst of it?

    Please impart advice insight anything- with a low T and the fact that I was around all the time was he even using this to get off? Help me understand what I Lived for the last two years.

    Also, I gave him $8k when he first transitioned from his traveling job to be with me on land - he went back to his traveling job and I found out he was cheating on me from day one with these cam girls. He should pay me back, correct?

    Just any help is so greatly appreciated. I feel so broken from all of this and wish I never snooped in a way-
     
  2. Read some of the other SO's stories. It's agony for them, every step of the way, and there are a lot of steps. It's nothing so simple as "Oh now he gets it, it will be OK". The painful incidents can go on for months or years, even if he does get it. Relapses happen - sometimes a lot. And then there is the lying.

    If you bail, no matter what pain you feel, you really aren't losing much, because you never had it.
     
  3. Vanessa vain

    Vanessa vain New Fapstronaut

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    I am just so thankful to finally be learning the truth. His initial lying and continued deception show he is not even close to ready to making the changes he needs to make. It’s such a sad existence I just can’t believe I didn’t put the pieces together and that he never shared what was going on. He Thought I was his answer to breaking this addiction but in fact made me exactly the partner he needed me to be to keep it going. Anyone know more about webcam addiction as opposed to straight P?
     
  4. Vanessa vain

    Vanessa vain New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I suppose that answers things fully. He came into this relationship cheating and left the same still thinking I would leave the door open to him- perhaps, to use the 6 month tour to work on himself, but I am not sure that would ever happen. I didn’t know if P leads to the webcam stuff. I guess I am trying to understand how it all works and maybe I don’t even need to at this point. I just want to figure out the role I played so that never repeats itself. He knows my mom is a gambling addict and how much it hurts me so he def saw an in there in some capacity-
     
  5. Vanessa vain

    Vanessa vain New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. You are such a kind and generous soul. I am so deeply thankful for this and will work on myself and my recovery moving forward.
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.

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