New to this community, very happy to see it!

I chose to introduce myself here because I have been stuck in a terrible place for years. This is my testimonial. (may be a long read as this is a nearly 35 year journey)

I was raised in a christian home, but a broken one. My family like many has extreme issues with resolving let a lone talking about trauma.

My sister and I were molested by a baby sitter and her brother when we were 5yo(me) & 7yo(her), this went on for at least six months. This set me on a course which at that young age I was little in control of or understood. But was an extreme age to have my mind shaped into a sexually obsessed one.

Next at age 9yo a cousin introduced me and his brother to homosexual sex. This interaction went on for years, until about age 15.

Around age 11 yo, I discovered porn one day walking with a friend through a truck stop parking lot where we found a few discarded Penthouse mags. I remember being completely fixated on these as I took them home. At this point I was fap at least 4-5x weekly maybe more.

My sister grew to be a very manipulative person, at age 12 yo, I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that her and I began a quasi sexual relationship, this was of mutual interest not predatory on either behalf. I never actually had intercourse with her, but it took on all manner of other sexual interaction. This continued until age 14yo. By this time my sister had become suicidal and was engaging in cutting on a regular basis. I remember feeling completely gross after each interaction with her and hating myself and her for doing this. But we were both trapped into a cycle, it seems that the earlier mutual molestation at the hands of the baby sitter played into this.

By age 16yo having no other outlet for my addiction and degenerated state as sex obsessed teenager, I became what I now loath the most, a predator. Over the next year or so I engaged in molesting 2 younger cousins and 1 nephew. I will not sugar coat this and am very real about it, this is the most difficult thing I am writing here. I live with an extreme amount of guilt and have purposefully self sabotaged my life in many ways and at many time due to this. One of the cousins today is a drug addict, has been imprisoned because of this. I feel completely responsible most days, I know that is not reasonable and that he has many other issues which lead him to drugs, but I know that my actions most definitely are a factor. I now struggle with the notion of asking him in person for forgiveness and offering an apology, I do not know if I will ever believe that I deserve his forgiveness should he offer it.

Due to these many issues and events I vowed to NEVER EVER see my children as sexual objects, and that I would go to ANY length to ensure that they did not ever lose their innocence the way I did or before it was appropriate in terms of age. This is a promise I made to God and myself, and I have been largely successful. More on this later.

By now I am 17yo, lost my virginity to a girl in a traditional sense. But by now I am engaged in a sexual relationship with a guy too. I had to get real with being a bisexual guy. However, this did not sit well with me as I honestly, hated myself for becoming what I knew was even more of a sexual degenerate, this because I do not engage in male/male sexuality for anything more than to self-deprecate. At this point I am basically sleeping with anyone willing. Several woman who are far older, regardless of their marital status or intelligence/looks. But now at 20yo my first son is born, his mother the ex-girlfriend of my former gay partner.

At this point by age 22 or so I was not interested in as much sexual degeneracy, I turned instead to simply being obsessed with sleeping with as many people as I could, My sons mother and I married, and I went on a campaign of having a sexual second life, this was now 2002. As of today, I cannot tell you how many people, men and woman I have been sexual with since my wife and I married. Likely upwards of 50.

By 2012 I had risen into a high level management role in my job. The stress found me smoking and having sexual urges that I had mostly put aside by 2008, due largely I think to having become very over weight. In 2013, I had surgery and lost over 100 lbs. still in the same stressful job and after recovering from the surgery, the race was back on. Only with a twist. My wife and I over several years became very open about our sexual histories and issues. A rare feature I think in most marriages. Through this though, I manipulated her into signing off on my engaging in male/male sexual activity, and at one point very nearly pushed her to have a 3some with myself and another guy.

To rewind a bit, in 2008 it was discovered that my oldest son had been molested by his cousin. This was a complete gutting blow to me... I had to get real that I could not protect him. Worse, his loss of innocence both disgusted and excited my old interests in extreme sexual degeneracy. I have NEVER touched him and would NEVER, but it did up until a year or so ago become hard for me to not sexually objectify him in my mind. Knowing the predator I became in my late teens, I began to watch him like a hawk around his younger siblings. This has all eroded my relationship with him.

Recently, in the last year I am in a job where I travel monthly. I find myself with little to hold me back when I travel. I began edging while fap, this definitely starts to seem like a junky completely entranced with his drug. Grindr, fetlife and a free phone talk line where I can find others to talk with and hookups has served a great place to find my fix. I hate myself more than ever, am more removed from my family than ever, my marriage is a mess. Last week my wife tells me she wants an open marriage(we had ended the previous arrangement for me years ago), she wants this so that "I don't have to worry about what you are doing and can find someone who wants me alone". This hit home HARD!

I began last week researching sexual addiction... found this site am now am sober 5 days. If you have read all of this and I am sorry for the length, please offer advice. I am working on doing all of the conventional things. And building a routine for myself. Tomorrow I leave for a week long business trip, this will be a very tough test I fear. I know if I get through it I will have passed a huge hurdle.

 

Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story.
Read, learn and strengthen your plan

 

Thank you, Romans 6 23

We have decided not to go ahead with an open marriage, I actually realized that I couldn’t go through with that. It wasn’t right. I knew that it could let me off the hook with her, but I didn’t and don’t want to be off the hook. I want peace and my family whole!

 

Kamakiri, Thanks for the link, it is very good stuff! I am hoping that talking with folks on here will also help. Next week is going to be tough, but I do have a plan.

 

I agree it is... It took much from me when I realized how I failed my oldest son. I actually only recall hating the babysitter and begging my parents not to leave us with her. My sister actually recalled much more. She has told me some of those details. They are pretty graphic and disturbing. I do not shield myself from them though. I have to face reality. It is all we have... anything less is self-deception.