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New to finding out about husband's addiction

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by sincerely_seeking_grace, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. sincerely_seeking_grace

    sincerely_seeking_grace New Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone, my husband admitted to me very recently heard been a porn addict for about 5 years and had stopped it a couple of weeks before telling me. He said he could not keep lying to me about it and so that's why he came clean and told me everything - online chat rooms, exchanging pictures and videos to masturbate to which I see as cheating, disturbing porn topics and the thing which I'm finding hardest to deal with is that one time he filmed me naked without my knowledge and masturbated to it and one time recorded the sound of us during sex. I'm absolutely devastated by this and feel he does not quite get it, he is numb by the damage the porn has done to his brain but he doesn't seem to understand the depths he sunk to when he filmed me. I feel I really need support on this, please help me, I can't talk to anyone about this. I want to work things out with him but it's still early days in the stages of recovery.
     
  2. Randomgurl4

    Randomgurl4 Fapstronaut

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    Hello,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I can't imagine what that must feel like :( It sounds like you are already aware of the effects porn can have on one's brain and you are trying to be understanding which is so great. But you should know you have every right to be upset. What he has done is cheating and you have every right to be hurt and upset. Maybe it would be beneficial to try couple's therapy?
     
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  4. I really think that by him telling you, he put himself into a very vulnerable situation. The fact that he told you shows he wants it to be different. He may be numb at the moment but he is willing to be educated on the matter that shows a lot. There was a time when I considered filming myself masterbate for my husband to watch instead of porn but I'm very very modest and to me the big O is very very private so having a movie out there would constantly put me on edge that it could get into the wrong hands. That being said, I truly can't imagine how you must have felt about him filming you without your knowledge. His filming you may have been an attempt to not feel the guilt he feels looking at other women or a way to try and get what flapping cannot give you, a sense of connection. Not defending his actions only trying to say that he may have had your interests at heart in some subconscious part of his mind, he may have trying to include you the only way he knew how. Only you can decide your bottom line but remember your vow to each other and though he may have broken his, you can still be true to yours and love him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Now can we agree that porn addiction is a sickness of the worst kind when it comes to a marriage. If you read my thread "Broken inside because I can never measure up to the women in his porn", there were a lot of helpful comments and some Web Links that may be helpful.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  5. I really think that by him telling you, he put himself into a very vulnerable situation. The fact that he told you shows he wants it to be different. He may be numb at the moment but he is willing to be educated on the matter that shows a lot. There was a time when I considered filming myself masterbate for my husband to watch instead of porn but I'm very very modest and to me the big O is very very private so having a movie out there would constantly put me on edge that it could get into the wrong hands. That being said, I truly can't imagine how you must have felt about him filming you without your knowledge. His filming you may have been an attempt to not feel the guilt he feels looking at other women or a way to try and get what flapping cannot give you, a sense of connection. Not defending his actions only trying to say that he may have had your interests at heart in some subconscious part of his mind, he may have been trying to include you the only way he knew how. Only you can decide your bottom line but remember your vow to each other and though he may have broken his, you can still be true to yours and love him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Now can we agree that porn addiction is a sickness of the worst kind when it comes to a marriage. If you read my thread "Broken inside because I can never measure up to the women in his porn", there were a lot of helpful comments and some Web Links that may be helpful.
     
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you have a husband with an addiction. Even though your husband is the one with the problem it still affects the wives the most. Many people feel lost when they first arrive here, but after talking to others who have gone through the healing process they start to have reason to hope that things will improve.

    Given a choice an addict will chose to keep his secrets hidden. A misguided addict will try to get better in secret and believes that he is protecting his wife. A person who is in TRUE recovery learns that secrets are where addictions grow and thrive. The fact that he disclosed to you without you discovering it is a big step. He knew that telling you would hurt you and yet he took the risk in order to fix things in the right way.

    You have every right to feel hurt, angry, numb, or confused. The things addicts do are deplorable. He clearly stepped over a line and broke your trust. Withdrawing trust is a natural response to being hurt and cannot be restored until you feel safe with him again. This might take time and a lot of work.

    Without hearing from him I don't know how much he gets or doesn't get. He understood that he needed to tell you the truth... the truth that living a life of lies and deception are much worse than the porn itself. Many husbands never reach that level of understanding. It takes time to fully realize just how much damage they have caused themselves and the relationships around them. Part of recovery involves fixing those broken relationships. So, you need to gradually explain to him how much this has hurt you. An addict needs to take ownership for all the damage they have caused, so hopefully he can make amends for what he has done to you.
     

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