New relationship same sh*t

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Taketime, Mar 8, 2019.

  1. Augie

    Augie Fapstronaut

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    The SA meetings can often be at church locations, however, that doesn’t mean they will be religious meetings. From my experience SA doesn’t subscribe to any sect, denomination, etc. Of course some of the steps mention God, the meetings usually always say “your higher power” whatever that may be according to your beliefs.
     
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  2. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    @djdcgc4 I am so sorry to read that and that you find yourself here. It's not a nice place to be but while I felt alone the first time I hope you realise you're not.
    The book ' your brain on porn 'spells out what porn does to the brain and erectile function. That maybe a good place to start to get him aware of the problem. But it's a long road from there with much to learn.
    Please don't forget it's nothing to do with you - our brains are very good at blaming ourselves.
    I wish you both all the best !
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
  3. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Hi Grim,
    I'm a humanist and my PA is probably an atheist. I agree having faith is important, even if that doesn't mean God. To me the higher power is Human need, karma, and to some extent destiny - what will be will be - we sure can't control everything. Controlling ourselves is challenge enough.

    I asked about meetings last night and he didn't think that was for him. He says he has loads of support and that makes him lucky, and feels he's doing ok.
    I guess if that changes we need to go back to consider it again.
    Thanks for the explanation keep up the good work
     
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  4. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @kropo82
    Haven't really thought about but you're right it is an amazing list in a short time.
    I think that's do impart to knowledge.
    my job is connecting to people and leading them from the worse days of their lives back to life. Also studying psychology and sex addiction previously and again now.

    Have to say thou while knowledge may put you streets ahead of Joe blogged starting out at day one it's limited.

    In a relationship there are two of us. We both have to learn and grow apart. And we both have to learn and grow to repair the 'us' bit.

    Lastly knowledge helps but it doesn't fix emotions for him or me. That takes time and a commitment to ride the pain - using appropraite compassion for ourselves and others.

    Life is a cycle of pain - we get hurt as children or later - we then cause pain to others - like being bitten by a zombie and becoming zombies ourselves.
    Waking up means absorbing and accepting that pain - stopping the cycle means deciding the pain stops here with me.

    It's bloomin hard thou.
    Best wishes to you
     
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  5. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    @kropo82
    BTW just found your thread - it's amazing too. I look forward to reading it all. Big hi five to you
     
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  6. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Taketime! I really don’t feel inadequate like some of the posts. I have read describe.

    I’m sure a lot of people think their situation is different especially maybe early on ( denial) right? But I do believe ours is a bit different. My love has dedicated his life to taking care of others. That part is really rather lengthy but for 25+ years he was in survivor mode. This left him no time to date or even try to find a life long partner. I think he did the best he could during the many years of loneliness he had to endure and because of time restraint, taking care of everyone else, and working hard as hell to build a stable environment in hopes one day he would have a wife I believe he turned to porn as his outlet. He is a very committed individual to everyone and everything but neglected his own needs and was willing to sacrifice that for the sake of loved ones who needed him.

    I guess learning what I have learned somehow gives me a greater appreciation for the sacrifices he made because as most here acknowledge when it first starts or 20 years ago I don’t think young people were aware that you could in fact become addicted and the effects it could have on a future relationship. He has chased his personal dreams and succeeded over and over again and was never willing to compromise his expectations of what a loving marriage should be and quite frankly had in recent years resigned to the fact he might never marry and be alone. Then I showed up. A caregiver by nature with a similar background that has been through a failed marriage and a failed long term relationship of 10 + years. He works two jobs and has for nearly 9 years. Which has taken up his entire 30s. He tried to date but working this many hours plus going to school for bachelors degree didn’t leave the time and attention most woman in there 30s require. We met at our job and were friends for years before we started dating. Although the time constraints are difficult from what I understand I have been the only woman not begging him to quit his job after a few months because I understand the work he does and his goals for financial freedom. Yes it would be nice to sleep in on a Saturday morning or take off for weekends more often but my career requires just as many hours, and I’m raising teenagers as a single mom so dating someone with a busy schedule worked out so well for me because I can focus on my goals, kids, and career without feeling guilty of not giving more time.

    All that to say that’s why I do feel my situation is different. He is willing to work on things and is being honest so I really believe pointing out the issue, and educating him will work in our favor.

    I realize I could be in denial but as Tao Jones said earlier in one of my posts we fall 7 times but get up 8.

    Truly I am thankful for all the sharing of info and support from this community!
     
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  7. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Gosh! well first of all you are right we are all different. Different genetics, different childhoods, different life experiences. But we are all human too and made of the same ingredients.
    So, yes our relationships are different too.

    I came here first looking for hope and understanding too, didn't find too many success stories, but there are if you look. Also I'm sure lots and lots of relationships have this problem and sort without ever coming here.
    For sure it's reaching epidemic levels in society, but there are no true recovery statistics ( other than inpatient units). So having faith in yourself is probably what you need.

    Now I'm not sure whether to say tough stuff at this stage. But I wish people had told me stuff straight (could have avoided years and years of finding out the hard way).

    Care giving, being one of life's fixers, being a health professional ( as I am) puts us at risk for this stuff - more than people who aren't. So we need to take a look at ourselves too and how we are willing to be treated, and what boundaries we have in our relationships.

    It's linked to codependancy ( that's 90% ish of the population so not pointing fingers - it includes me. And is a massive subject all by itself ) and codependancy is linked to addictions because it increases our stress in relationships. ie. my PA wasn't happily married but couldnt find strength to leave, put the family unit first - turned to porn because of loneliness and 10 years later is in place he thought he'd never be - and had become a person he'd thought he'd never be.

    So what I'm saying is sometimes what we see as noble sacrifice - is part of the problem to start with.

    Anyway it really is a massive thing to understand,give it time. Denial is normal if you have it or he has it...its the brains way of letting something shocking in slowly to protect us. It's only a problem if it stays too long.

    But it comes down to this simple peanut - whatever the causes - if somebody wants to change they will, if they don't they won't (we can't control that only ourselves).
    Often change only occurs when the cost of not changing is greater than the cost of change.
    In this case losing their relationship with us.

    I take one day at time, and eventually we all walk a long way, and realise we have grown a lot too. There is loads of support available for us partners too.... don't feel alone.

    Take care
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
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  8. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    You are so awesome! Please feel free to be tough and brutally honest that’s exactly what I’m looking for. ( I’m the friend in real life) lol when people are making excuses and coping out I’m the one who calls them out.

    You area so right about co-dependency and the need to fix things. Definitely me. A bad marriage and a series of bad relationships has taught me though that you will always get what you accept from people. I tend to be a little emotionally disconnected ( I’m sure related to years of verbal abuse) I’m matter of fact and I’m use to being in charge. I gave myself a mental end point that if I don’t see changed behavior I will sadly have to walk away. I would never tell him that. I’m committed to giving it my all until this time is up and expect to see progress.

    Sadly I have become use to walking away from people I love because I know and believe I deserve better. I mentioned my teenage daughter previously. Best example I can give. She chose to go live with her Dad who lets her run crazy but he can’t afford to give her the lifestyle or even give her the emotional support she needs but I had to walk away. Sure I talk to her when she decides to call and I keep a daily journal that someday I will give her so that she will know I loved her even though at times I seem absent. I understand through my education that allowing bad behavior makes you just guilty. Sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for the sake of man kind! lol small joke. But seriously when I divorced my ex husband and he begged me to stay my response “ I have to leave so that maybe someday when you love again and she says to treat her better or she’ll leave you will be able to believe she means it and will lose everything all over again” something with my daughter she must know if she continues lying, stealing, and being mean to people they might still love her but they will walk away.

    I’m really not as cold hearted as it might sound. Just years and years of therapy!

    I’ll be sending thoughts and good juju your way!
     
  9. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

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    Brilliant! you don't sound cold you sound spot on! already practiced in holding tough boundaries.
    Reckon that puts you a good few steps ahead in tackling this latest challenge.
    sorry to hear about your daughter, mine was a tough cookie too.
    But love and tough boundaries worked and we now have a brill close relationship. I'm sure that will work for you too.
    Hi five!
     
  10. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    That’s awesome to hear!!! If you ever need harsh advice on boundaries you know where to find me!
     
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