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New member dont know what to anymore

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by HLG88, Mar 13, 2018.

Do i give this relationship another chance or should i take my kids and go?

  1. One more chance

    75.0%
  2. Leave

    50.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    I stubbled across this site today in desperation for help and advice. Me and my partner have been together for 13 years and we have two children under 5. After 3 years of being together we moved in with each other and thats when i finally got see how badly effected he is by P&M. I'd found shoe boxes full of dvds and stacks and stacks of magazines. Up until then I'd always been confidant within myself in general and sexually. I did express to him that i felt his collection was too much and that he doesnt need this stuff to feel fullfilled and i didnt understand why he would want or need this stuff to feel satisfied. He shrugged it off and said it was stuff he just kept from his teenage years and that he didnt use it anymore and i made him throw it away. At this time i had a killer body and liked how i looked and we were intimate almost every night. We were so passionate and in love and i didnt ever feel like he would look else where. HOW WRONG WAS I!!! after he got rid of his collection i started finding random magazines about the house. I dont want to repulse you all but i could tell that these magazines had satisfied him. What made it so humiliating for me was that i had friends around and one of them found it. He didnt even have the decency or respect to get rid of it knowing my friends were coming to our house. I felt sick, humiliated and betrayed! We argued like hell about it and from there everything got worse. He used chat lines, web cam girls, pay per view and whatever he could find on the internet. He may aswell have been physically having sex with girls in front of me. I decided to stay with him hoping it was just a phase and that he understood that it was hurting me and making me feel really bad about myself. Things calmed down for a while then i found out i was pregnant. Within the same week we both lost our jobs and i miscarried. The night we came home from the hospital i went straight to bed. I woke later to come down for a drink of water and seen him through the crack of the door watching P and M. I can't even explain how i felt. I just kept thinking to myself this isnt normal, what normal person would do this?!?! Eventually we broke up but reuinted a year later. I told him i could never forget what he did and how it made me suicidal. He promised never to do it again. He couldnt stick to his promises and 7 years on from this I feel like i cant take it anymore things have got even worse. He will lie to my face even when i have the evidence in front of me and will try and convince me it's all in my head! I've lost friends because of this after turning to them for advice. They either think its hilarious or I'm some crank that needs her head testing for staying with him. The final straw came last night. He decided to stay up watching tv whilst i was in bed. He had a few drinks and came up the stairs outside our room. I could see his reflection in the mirror as our bedroom door was open. He had earphones in took his pants off and started M and went back downstairs like it was normal!!! The rage inside me consumed my entire body - what if the eldest child came out of her room and see him!!! I immediately went downstairs to confront him - he denied the whole thing saying i was crazy even though i know what i seen. There was enough evidence downstairs to confirm what i seen was not a figmant of my imagination!! For the sake of my kids i dont know what to do anymore. This morning he's now saying he has no recollection of what hes done and he wasnt watching P but he wont let me see his phone. He is so secretive and possessive with his phone its like he's scared for me to see it. I dont like what his actions are doing to me. I dont want to be this person demanding to see his phone and feeling repulsed by him and what i see in the mirror. We hardly have sex anymore - in fact we dont even hold hands or cuddle. In the past I've watched the stuff he's into and it just made me sick and depressed i cant even look at myself naked and i am terrified of him seeing ne without clothes because i know i am not enough for him. I dont think i can keep going anymore and I'm scared my daughters will discover all this and think that this is how a man should treat a woman. Women are only just starting to get the platform they deserve but i strongly believe the porn industry needs to be held accountable for the breakdown of many lives and families around the world. Reading some of the stories on here is giving me hope that maybe he could change and understand what this is doing to me and our family unit. He always seems remorseful but then is back at it. I dont want this to be the complete breakdown of my family. My girls love their dad and need him just as much and he loves and needs them. He is a fantastic hands on father who would die for his kids but I'm starting to realise that if he doesnt kick this habit i will be forced to take my kids away from this unhealthy environment and i dont want to do that. I've not completely read the step by step guide and a person who doesnt have this addiction/issue/selfishness, i need to know that this site will help before i introduce this to him.
     
    kropo82, Torn, Jagliana and 2 others like this.
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Welcome. Sorry you are going through this. He does sound deep into a PA. He can change but he has to want it. For us, he had to hit that rock bottom moment, when he thought I was done, before he wanted to change. So, I don't know if you should give him another chance or not, that's up to you. But I felt the same way, I couldn't stay anymore if P was going on. My husband has done a 180 since then (starting last July), so it is possible. Is he open to help?
     
    Torn, Jagliana, Trappist and 3 others like this.
  3. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    That's the thing im not sure how he will feel about this. I suggested counselling a couple of years ago and said that we should do it together. He agreed and i said if that if he was serious then he should make the arrangements - he didnt!! Since then life with two kids has consumed me and these issues are still here
     
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    He is SO deep into his PA it's heartbreaking to read.

    First off what he is doing to you is called gaslighting (aka emotional abuse). Gaslighting is where you know your reality, and the individual tells you otherwise until you believe them and think you're going crazy. A lot of us SO's have endured this from our PA.

    You're not crazy, you're the sane one. He is very unhealthy, and needs professional help individually (like a well trained therapist). You guys also could benefit from couples, but couples will be beneficial once he is on the track to getting better, until then he may just fake it during session and go back to old behaviors when home.

    I lost my friends also due to my husbands PA, they thought I was ridiculous. I have anorexia and one even told me, "get over it, you shouldn't starve over this, don't let it affect you" .... I ended up back in treatment because my husbands PA took it's toll on me.

    You also should take care of yourself, get help for yourself.

    This will only work if he is willing to admit he has a problem and get help. They sometimes (most often) need to hit rock bottom before true change occurs.
     
    Kenzi, kropo82, Torn and 3 others like this.
  5. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both for taking the time to read my post and reply. This is such a taboo subject for some people to talk about. I feel so worthless and embarrassed. I also feel selfish that im making it about myself. I just cant understand what makes him want to do it especially at the most inappropriate of times. How the f*** can anybody want to watch P after you've just lost a baby?!?! I carry so much hate towards him for that and have never got over it.

    Your so right Anna i do need counslling just for myself. So i can figure out who i am again and what i need. After my last post i packed mine and my girls things and then it hit me... where do i go?? What do i tell people?? I dont really get much support from family and i dont earn my own money as I'm a full time mum. I dont even drive. I feel trapped and i think he knows this and knows that he can use it to his advantage. I feel like since i met him alls I've done is put this man first!!

    I dont want people to have the perception of him as a monster - he really is kind, sweet, intelligent, a brilliant dad, he does help around the house and he works hard to provide for us all - but this issue has been the thing that is making me forget about all of his wonderfulness because of the fact he knows how it makes me feel and doesnt stop!!

    So instead of dragging my kids around Liverpool (uk) finding somewhere to go I've tucked my kids up in their own beds because that is where they should be! I plan to show him this site tomorrow when the kids are in bed and see how he processes it and sees that i am not the only person out there hurting by people who go through what he's going through. I dont know whether it's a British thing or simply because he is a man but talking about stuff like this is not the norm around here. I'm hoping he will read some PA stories and it will make him feel more open to admit his problems.

    I think right now i have to remain patient and see what the outcome is tomorrow. Just the sad thing is that if things dont start to change, he will be the one looking for somewhere else to go - me and the kids shouldnt have to suffer because of it. TIME TO STOP FEELING WEAK!!!
     
  6. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    Just also want to say Anna - that what your friend said to you was absolutely disgusting!! I hope things with you and your husband are going ok and that you keep up your hard work too. Us women need to stick together and be empowering! Not insult and kick us when one of us is already down
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  7. Your husband sounds like a textbook Porn Addict. His disregard for the affects his actions have on others is horrible and his gaslighting you and lying are also sure signs he had a problem.

    He needs to get help before you finally decide to leave him. Point him to this site and YBOP.com.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  8. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    Is this a joke?? Just went onto it to see what it's about and a link for chat rooms came up?

    I hope this is a complete misunderstanding if not then that's really messed up
     
  9. He should have put the full name of the site. It is yourbrainonporn.com. Here is the link:
    https://yourbrainonporn.com/

    I am so sad for your situation. You are with a full blown porn addict. He needs help badly, but I truly don't know if it is your place to give it to him in any form.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  10. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank appreciate the clarification.

    I don't quite understand what you mean by "it's not my place to give it him in any form"

    I dont actually think i can help him i dont even know if anybody can help him. I'm just researching and trying my best to keep my family together. Alls i can do is communicate with him on how i feel and that i am not alone and he shouldnt feel alone. It is then up to him
     
    Trappist likes this.
  11. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for the advice and information. I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. My eyeballs literally hurt from reading all the information out there. Its a lot to process!

    Time will only tell
     
  12. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    I've been there, done that. Over the 10 years of our marriage, we've had a lot of issues around sex, communication and connection (or lack thereof). I have suggested counselling time and time again always with the same result. He would agree, or he would agree to 'try to improve' - counselling never happened (always too busy, or he would forget, or he wouldn't be feeling too well) and the improvements would last a couple of days at a time, and then dissolve into nothing. I was more and more miserable and hopeless, but too busy with kids and housework and being a perfect wife to do more. Besides, I felt I ran out of options. Once it became obvious he was struggling with porn addiction all these years, everything suddenly made sense.
    But it wasn't until he knew I was prepared to leave him over it that he actually took some action. Nothing is sorted yet, we are both in therapy, but at least there is some progress (I hope). You will read here time and time again about the 'rock bottom' that each PA has to reach before they actually wake up to the fact that they need to change. For some it is just seeing their spouse affected and devastated, for others - it will be actually being kicked out of the house. They just have no idea how screwed up what they are doing is and when I listened to my husband when we talked just after I uncovered his sex cam addiction, I was seriously suspecting he may be intellectually deranged. What I find really sad that his therapy brought up issues from his childhood that I have been pointing out to him all along, but he would always defend his parents against any critique. He just wouldn't accept that there may be anything wrong with him - it was always me who was the problem.
    I think your husband is at this extremely selfish place where it's only him and the porn and anyone who tries to get him out of his castle of pleasure is automatically classed as enemy. He has also not seen any consequences of his actions. He just feels you attack him and want to harm him, by depriving him of one thing he holds dear. There is this theory that the more you invested in something (or someone), regardless whether it's money, time, work or any other kind of investment, the more dear it becomes to you and the more valuable it seems. My husband invested a lot of time, effort and resources in his porn addiction over 20+ years of his life. He sacrificed our time together and his time with kids, so eventually it was his porn that seems the only thing worth keeping in his life. Until he faced the vision of losing everything over it.
    Your husband should seriously ask himself the question of whether it is REALLY worth it. Would he really prefer to spend the rest of his life wanking off in front of the screen and finally having nobody to judge him for it, or would he rather turn things around and live the actual life with his family.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  13. HLG88

    HLG88 Fapstronaut

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    Your message has just made me realise something. When you say about your husband having issues with his childhood and parents and that you pointed these things out to him before therapy - that is something that i see in my partner. And im starting to see the pattern now. There has always been issues between me and his family we dont really get along anymore, for various reasons mainly how they treat our children. I've always bit my lip because i believe sometimes you have to for the sake of my partner but when it involves my kids then i will speak and say how i feel. My partner on the other hand is intimidated by his family and is always afraid of upsetting them rather than telling them if they are wrong. And believe me they have over stepped the mark far too many times including telling my children to keep secrets from us!! Not silly things either like big secrets. Children should not be told to keep secrets from their parents!!

    Anyway my point being is that everytime there have been issues with his family, his behaviour becomes more obvious to me. And instead of confronting them and saying how he feels he just ignores them which i dont think is healthy for anybody. But there was an incident before Christmas which has been really upsetting and he refused to deal with it. I couldnt ignore it because my children have been deeply effected by it so i spoke to then about it all and I've made the decision that its best for certain family members to stay away from my children and for others to have supervised visits. This is a complex situation and not the route i would have preferred to go down but my hands are tied - my kids come first and my job is to protect them love them and teach them right from wrong.

    Since then my partner has become more withdrawn and more possessive of his phone. He hardly speaks to me about anything deep. If i bring his family situation up he shuts down. Even though he does 100% agree with the decision i made, i know he misses his family but is too hurt by the things theyve done to us and i guess he just feel like he's in limbo.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  14. Werka

    Werka Fapstronaut

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    I also worry for my kids when it comes to my husband's parents and there are certain things they say and ways in which they view reality that really make me not want to spend time with them and I'd rather my kids had limited contact with them (which they, fortunately, do due to geographical distance). But yes, my husband has always been intimidated by them and still to a large extent is. He just can't bear to upset or disappoint them and only now can stand up to them occasionally, but it costs him a lot - emotionally. In many ways he naver managed to grow up and their relationship probably hasn't changed much since he was a kid. Mentally, he is not an independent human being and his 'acting out' was just one of the symptoms of that immaturity and inability to function like a healthy adult. As I said though, it took therapy to make him see all these things, or at least some of them, and see that even if his parents 'did their best' - well, that just wasn't good enough and they should have known better.
     
  15. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    It's a really personal call and just depends on what you are willing to put up with and go through.
    I, for one, am actually scared to point my hubby here. I know all use is bad, but his was relatively infrequent and didnt hit the extremes other people's did. I know how an addicts mind works. They always want to justify their indiscretions "it's not so bad, I'm not meeting up with real people, going to clubs, paying money.... Its not so bad I've never strayed in real life. It's not so bad since I don't use webcam girls It's not so bad it was only once a week." etc. Etc. Etc. When in reality, yes it could be worse but it is still extraordinarily damaging to a relationship. And when I see what other addicts end up doing, I can see how your brain could start to trick you.
     

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