New & Loneliness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Arkos, Dec 24, 2018.

  1. Arkos

    Arkos Fapstronaut

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    I'm new here, and posting here because I use porn to deal with loneliness and depression, I don't even use porn to masturbate or watch videos, I just use it to alleviate and distract myself from feelings of loneliness and depression. As soon as I feel those feelings coming on, I go to the internet and look at photographs of naked women and it makes the feelings go away. It's an addiction and I don't know how to stop, except that I read in the Getting Started book that one way is to feel your feelings and not try to escape from them. That sounds scary as hell, sitting here with those feelings, especially during the Christmas season since I am divorced and dealing with not being with my family pretty much for the first time. Even though I have a new partner who is great, she's away and I am alone and even though I'm old I'll probably have Christmas with my mother and my sister. Anyway, thanks for letting me share, and I'm encouraged by knowing there are others here. Best wishes to all for the holidays.
     
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  2. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    When you haven't learned how to deal with your feelings, it does indeed sound scary as hell!

    I know, because I used to do that.

    But now that I'm on the other side, the idea of not feeling my feelings is even scarier!

    If you can learn mindfulness, please do so. In short form:
    • When you feel those unpleasant feelings, sit quietly and feel them, without judgement.
    • Notice, without judgement, where in your body you feel the feelings. It might help to ask, "How do I know that I have these feelings?"
    • Remember to breathe throughout.
    I'm going to say one more time: Without judgement. This process will fail if you tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling those feelings, or that you should be feeling something else.

    Just notice the feelings as if you were a scientist observing the feelings.

    (This is abbreviated. A full course in mindfulness will help.)
     
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  3. Arkos

    Arkos Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Mordobarn - this is very helpful. I will do as you suggest. The ironic thing is that I’ve studied mindfulness and even practices mindfulness meditation for some time, but can’t seem to do it in this arena. I think the non-judgment part might be what I’m missing. Or maybe I’m just not doing it with enough surrender. Thank you again.

    Arkos
     
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  4. GreenDragon28

    GreenDragon28 Fapstronaut

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    Hey,

    Merry Christmas. I understand what you mean about just being able to explain to others about how you feel. Based on what you've written, I think it's important to acknowledge how much you mean to the people in your life, however much or little you are able to spend time with them. You might think you are just spending Christmas with your mum and sister, but I'm sure neither would be without you. Take care, and all the best, whatever that might be for you. Just want to add, no one has a right to judge. Anyone on here is here because they are trying to overcome something that has had a negative impact on their life. Best thing for most on here seems to be to share that with others that can empathise in some way.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
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  5. Arkos

    Arkos Fapstronaut

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    Thanks GreenDragon. That means a lot to me - to think about what I might mean to people, even if they're not my ex-wife and my children. I will take that into the day tomorrow, with gratitude. Merry Christmas.
     
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  6. GreenDragon28

    GreenDragon28 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, how was your day after? :)
     
  7. Arkos

    Arkos Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thanks for asking, I ended up having a good time at my sister's house with her family and my mother. It hurt not to be at my ex-wife's house with my children, and she even invited me to come at the last minute, but I know I have to try to move on if I want to create a new relationship and move forward, it was just really hard to say know, and I hope they don't feel like I didn't want to be with them. Earlier in the day was tough, while I was alone, and I ended up fighting with my new significant other who is out west with her brother and his family, so it was very up and down, good and bad, but this day is over and I made it through. The 27th is another dinner with my extended family and my children and that will be another tough one to get through as they are already asking if I can stop by my ex-wife's house to see them before hand. I guess it's the first holiday I'm going through this way, and hopefully we'll get better at it. One thing I learned - being with people (my sister, etc.) helps.
     
  8. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

    Your children might miss you. Perhaps go around even for a short while just to let them know that you still love them?
     
  9. Arkos

    Arkos Fapstronaut

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    Yes, good idea. I definitely want them to know I still love them. I’ll try to make that happen. Thanks.
     
  10. GreenDragon28

    GreenDragon28 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, Arkos.

    How did you get on? How have your last couple of days been?

    Speaking from experience, I would have loved to have seen my dad make more effort in seeing us after things didn't work out with my parents. I would be without him, but it makes a difference as you get older knowing they were there for you or not. It also means a lot to know whatever happened between them, they could put their differences aside to make it easier for us when they were together for whatever reason.
     

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