New Journal, New Journey

We had a decent morning yesterday, and in the afternoon, my SO had a pretty anxiety attack and I felt helpless. I just want to fix anything that makes her hurt, but in times like these I feel sort of useless. I remind her to take deep breaths, and try to slow her heart down but it only goes so for when the anxiety takes hold.

When she started to feel calm again, we went for a dog walk, then went to our current favourite food spot and got an appy and a drink each, then went and played board games with friends.

 

We have come to an understanding that we need to try and work our strengths, to build our teamwork up. I had agreed to look into security systems for our new house, and wherein I did, there were a few important questions that I did not think to ask the sales people, and one company smooth talked me into letting them run a credit check on me to pre approve billing. This is where one of Lovebug's strengths lie, she is an excellent planner, and an expert in logistics, so when it comes to those kinds of tasks, she is the best suited. I am best with manual tasks and the like.

We have had a lot of stress in our life since our move, and wherein I cannot and will not lay all the blame on that, it is on me that I cause so much frustration and anger. I am the one who relapsed and lied about it, which I know is on my Love's mind every day along with all the other bullshit I've put her through. We have been arguing a lot lately, and I know that she's unhappy. I sometimes feel like I can't get the point and that I just piss her off no matter what.

I do understand how I can make it better, what she wants is for me to let go of my rash, childish, impulsive behaviors and just be the well adjusted man I want to be. She needs me to show her that I understand her, that I know who she is and to communicate more effectively all the time. I feel like I don't ask enough questions, something as simple as "Hey, does this look like enough leftovers for your lunch, or do you want me to make you something else too?" could have diffused a world of anger between us. I got a little excited with a sauce I made last evening while making dinner and wanted her to try it while she was in the shower, I just peeked my head around the door and said "Hey you" and scared the absolute hell out of her. Which stressed her out a lot. I could have either waited for her to be done, or just gently knocked on the door, but instead I have way to impulse and made a bad situation.

I know what o have to do, and I don't want to continue to make her feel like I'm just going to keep fucking up and apologizing every day, it's a cycle of my own making, and I will work harder on mindfulness, awareness, and communication.

Our life together is the most inpimport thing in the world to me, and I've not done a good job of showing her this. I am a better man than that.

 

I like this new job, it's very rewarding. Night shifts are difficult to get accustomed to, but I'm adjusting again.

Lovebug had a bad anxiety attack last night and I came home early to make sure she was ok, she was really worried that I'd get in trouble at work, but I was just honest with my supervisor as to what was going on, and it's fine. Which is a load off of both our minds.

We figured out which home security company to go with in the new house, and will have an appointment set up for install tomorrow morning. One more week before we have the keys for the new house on our hands

 

Work went well last night, then I slept most of the day, and then we had some delicious dinner together and watched a couple movies, now it's almost bed time with my darling

 

We went to a fair today, wandered around and looked at rides, found a stable and pet a bunch of critters, goats, sheep, a llama, it was cool. Then we came home and chilled for like a half hour before going to a pub for appies and drinks. I had a lovely day and evening, and I feel like Lovebug did also.

 

Lovebug has been having a terrible time at night with me at work, she can't sleep and is afraid that the house is going to be broken into. This has been weighing heavily on both of us these last two weeks, her because she isn't sleeping well, and it stresses me out knowing she is terrified at home. It's not fun and I hope things change after Wednesday when we move into the new house and have the security system installed.

Aside from that though, things have been very good between us, I'm keeping up with my journal, and doing my recovery work and there haven't been any issues for the last week between us.

 

We got the keys for our new house today, I started taping the living room for paint. Not overly fond of painting, but I don't mind, it'll make our new space look so much better. We are moving the basics in tmrw, and the security and internet get installed in the afternoon. Exciting stuff.

Work has been going pretty well. Lots to do, I never get bored.

 

Missed a day yesterday, we were busy being mad at security companies. We got our bed and some small things moved in to the new house, I finished 99% of my tape masking for the paint job. We had internet installed (which took forever) the security company we decided to go with was supposed to show up between 430 & 6, but nobody CE, and there was no contact made with us to let us know that nobody was coming. This made us quite angry.

I called the security company this morning and told them what happened, they did a little internal investigation and told me that they are giving us 3 months of free monitoring and a two week free trial period for our troubles.

I'm so exhausted from this long week of moving things around and coordinating things with the new house, as well as my night shifts. We're moving everything in to the new house this weekend though, so the end is near.

 

My goodness, what an exhausting day I've had!

Worked for 8 hours, LB picked me up, we went and walked the dogs, I showered, slept for 2.5 hours, then got up so the security guy could install our new system while LB went to an appointment. Went and picked up a U-Haul, loaded 75% orlf our belongings, took them to the new house, unloaded them, went and returned the U-Haul. And this was mostly all solo, as Lovebug had appointments all day. Luckily for us, I love to GSD and won't give up till the job is done!

I was so stressed and freakin exhausted all day, I stopped by the brewery for a pint after the U-Haul drop off MUCH NEEDED.

Now to go home and put some things away, then sleep for a couple hours. We're going out for a date tonight, we need it.

I hope everyone out in the forum had as lovely a day as they possibly could.

 

My goodness, this has been a long weekend. Been painting the living room in the new house in between moving and unpacking. The paining is almost done though, just have to do a couple more coats on the kitchen, a little edge work, then we can rip the tape off and organize the new place.

 

I finished painting the living room on the new house, what a journey.

Just have to finish a couple of touch ups and the living room is complete.

I had a really random bout of depression last night at work, it just hit me from out of no where and it felt awful. I did a little "moving meditation" basically just focused on my breath while I continued to work, and then set my mind to focus on what was directly in front of me, as opposed to trailing off on multiple tangents and feeling overwhelmed. It worked pretty quickly and I started to feel better and completed my task.

 

We have finally started putting our living room together. Still not nearly close to being unpacked yet though

 

Such an exhausting day today, got off work at 6 am, slept for maybe an hour, then drove Lovebug to work and waited for a outooatPuoackage to show up, I meant to get a whole bunch of housework and cleaning done, but I was a friggin zombie and didn't manage to get a whole lot comolcom and I feel like I should have done more.

My mother came to town to visit, and instead of showing up at our new house and being excited to see it, she instead got drunk in her hotel with my sister and made me feel bad, I wish she was more responsible and that I had told her how I feel about it.

 

The move and whole house purchasing process has been super stressful on both of us. It feels overwhelming at times and has done a number on both of us. It's been the move combined with my new job being nights, Lovebug has been feeling terrified at home alone at nights and it really stresses me out knowing that she is so scared.

I realize I write a lot about what I've done throughout the day as maybe a daily summary of sorts, and I suppose its just what comes to mind at the time when I sit down to write. I agree that I should put more thought and emotion into this journalling.

We had a long talk last night about my inability to stand up for myself. My mom just kind of walks all over me, and makes me feel like shit whenever shes around by acting like a teenager and it really bothers me. I have a really hard time talking to her about it, and it is very troublesome.

 

Had a long night at work last night, had a difficult task to complete and it started to frustrate me, but I slowed my mind down and remembered that frustration and negative energy will do nothing to help the task at hand, so I calmed myself down and finished what I was doing. These are methods I've used for ages to deal with any anger or negative emotions that come up, and usually it works.

 

Lovebug was stressed at work today, and our dog has been sick the past week, and it's been bothering both of us. Today she brought the dog to the vet and I stayed home to make dinner, because of how stressed she was, my auto instincts told me I needed to have dinner ready by the time she got home, but I didn't, and this gave me an anxiety attack. She didn't care at all whether dinner was ready on time or not. This all harkens back to my childhood programming by my step morher, she always expected everything be done by the time she got home and would lose her mind if it wasnt. So now anytime I'm stressed I automatically default to acts of service ( do the dishes, vacuum, mop the floor, etc.) And these are all things that are in no way expected of me from Lovebug

 

We had a really bad weekend. It started out with a little road trip on Friday to another town about an hour away for Lovebug to have a dr. appointment ( there aren't any good drs in the town we live in) and on the way home I said something I'd heard in a conspiracy theory podcast that I occasionally listen to ( I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I just think the podcast is interesting) and the way that I explained it was as though this was my absolute belief. I had done no additional research on the subject and had no evidence to back this claim up, so Lovebug thought I sounded like a crazy person and got upset that I throw around wild accusations that I hear from one single source and tote them as fact. We ended up arguing about it for a couple of hours and I agreed that I will do my research on any given subject before I bring it up, and won't allow myself to be persuaded by a single uncorroborated source. I come from a small town full of gossip and this is the mindset that the majority of my hometown has, where you just throw around small minded negative opinions as though they are absolute fact. This is a mindset that I hate and will forever try to avoid through research and understanding.


On Saturday night on the way to bed, Lovebug got an EA summary in her email and saw some texts that had gone on between a longtime friend of mine and I.

My longtime best friend from my hometown, we will call her E, is an M2F trans person, and we have been friends since highschool. Long before her transition began. I've been one of her largest supporters throughout her transition, and I am very proud of her courage through her transition, as I can only imagine how tough it is to grow up with Gender Dysphoria and all of the awful feelings that come with it.

A few weeks ago, she had sent me a message asking if she could send me a "mildly NSFW" photo of herself to show how far along in her transition she has come and if my SO would be upset by it. This made me feel really awkward upon seeing it, given the hell I have drug Lovebug through with my PA and everything. I chose to avoid this situation completely for about 3 weeks, and just completely avoided the question, I did not respond to E and we didn't speak for that period ( sometimes we just go for really long periods of time without talking to each other, such is life). I chose to not show this message to Lovebug, and instead deleted it and just never brought it up with her out of my pwn selfish and misguided fear of confrontation. I know now that there would have been no issues between us had i come to her with this, we would have had a conversation along the lines of "Well this seems awkward and inappropriate".

When I finally did respond to E, I sent a message saying that I was sorry I hadn't responded, we'd been moving and buying a house and so on. Then I mentioned that I was interested to see her progress photo. There was a short conversation about it and she sent me a picture of her laying down in a small dress ( there were no bare private parts involved) and I responded saying "wow, you look like a different human". I had deleted this photo also, as it did make me feel awkward seeing my friend in a dress like this.

Lovebug found out about this conversation through EA, and what she saw was her boyfriend asking another girl for NSFW photos. I in the moment did not view it in this light, even though I know I should have been aware of how this looked. There was nothing sexual about this for me, and I hold no attraction to my friend, it was in my mind simply curiosity to see the progress of her transition.

As you can imagine, this whole situation made My Lovebug furious with me, and she sent me out of the bedroom down to the couch. she came down a short time later and took my phone, telling me don't deserve it if I'm going to do shady shit and lie to her, which I fully agree with. In her anger, she ended up sending some really nasty messages to my friend E. This hurt E's feelings quite a lot, I do not agree with the way that Lovebug handled this situation, and neither does she but I do fully understand her anger and why my cowardice and lying caused all of this in the first place.

We had a long talk the next day when she got home from a daytrip with her parents, and I have fully recommitted myself to open communication and therapy. The only way to move forward is for me to get past my lifelong psychological damage and be open all the time.

I understand that sometimes the way I feel could cause an argument between us, or a long uncomfortable conversation, but I would much rather have her in my life and have these long talks that hide from things, lie about things that are easily communicated, and lose my love.

Life can be a rough journey, but we all go through it, and the only way to make it is together.

 

Bills are stressful, they are inevitable, and I know that but they still cause such a pit in the stomach every time they pop up. Our showerhead broke, now we need a new one, we have a home insurance payment to make, I need to get to counselling, and so on. It's all just so overwhelming right now on top of the negativity I have brought into our lives repeatedly through my selfishness and just plain stupidity.

I feel anxious, and on edge and I don't like it. Lovebug feels really sad and overwhelmed. We moved to this new place for great work and a fresh start and it feels like we just haven't been able to catch up since we have been here. It's so overwhelming at times that we both just want to go to bed. Being so far from friends and family is really difficult.

We have a good roof over our heads though, we love our new house. We both have great jobs with excellent benefits. We do have all the makings of a good life here, and I have every intention of making sure that both of us do all we can to make the absolute best of it. I know we will figure things out, and I know that everything will balance in the next couple of pay cycles.

Breathe.... Focus on that breath... Take calming, slow, calculated breaths... Don't let the world weigh you down, and try to keep your mind focused on this exact moment, nothing else...

These are the things I try to say whenever either of us are super anxious. Which is very needed right now.