New Journal, New Journey

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by LowKeeKee, Jun 22, 2018.

  1. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Back in November was D-day for myself and my SO, my whole story is posted on the forum if you want to read it for context.

    So much has happened since I last posted, I haven't been regular on the forum for some time, just ignorance I suppose. Thought I could handle it myself after a while, and got lazy in my recovery steps.

    Since my last post, I quit my remote mining job and took on a roofing job in the town my SO and I lived in. We found out shortly after I took on the roofing job that she had been offered a job for a much better wage with far superior benefits in a different town (about a 14 hour drive away). We accepted the offer and moved up to the north to start a new life. I got a job in a tire shop the first day I went looking for work, and she started to settle happily into her new position.

    In the second week we were here, (going into week 4 now) she had to go to a class for work out of town for Sunday, Monday, home Tuesday. One morning, after she left, and after about 220 days of recovery, I relapsed in the shower. No P involved, just a good memory of a night we'd shared a day or two before.

    I felt ashamed of myself and disappointed immediately. Part of our recovery plan was for me to call her of I was feeling any urges and talk about it instead of following through, and even if it did happen, call her right away and talk about why this had happened.

    In my shame and embarrassment and being we were both already stressed from something else, and our move, I chose to with hold the information and not tell her about what had happened.

    Last night in bed my SO asked me about my sobriety, and if there was anything she should know. I told her that I had relapsed in the shower. She was very upset, logically so, this is a direct betrayal of her trust.

    In the aftermath of my poor decisions, instead of being understanding of her feelings and trying to come up with some sort of solution to this landmine I threw into our lives, I was argumentative and confrontational over text, last night also.

    I don't deal with negative pressure well, and I tend to turn into myself a little and think of only what's making ME upset, and how I feel about this, which is absolutely wrong. I've just hurt the woman I love, and put her in extreme anguish, I need to be sympathetic and proactive with coming up with ideas how to not let this happen again.

    So here I sit now, the beginning of a new plan to overcome my selfish tendencies and not allow myself to fall back into the shady lifestyle I want to be over.

    I will post a new journal entry daily to keep myself accountable to something positive.

    I'm looking for help, anyone who'd be interested or willing to talk about an accountability partnership, please feel free to message me.
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2018
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Glad you are doing the right thing and returning.
    How is @lovebug_km??
  3. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    This has really torn us apart, we are as of last night, no longer together. I hope that I can show her that I am dedicated to making life better and that I will not be a spineless waste of her life. My hiding this from her brought everything back and really destroyed ever single bit of trust she had in me. I feel complete shame and disappointment in myself for causing her this pain again.
  4. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    She doesn't want to live a life of constant fear of me relapsing into the PA lifestyle, and I don't blame her. There is so much pain that has come from this, and I do not want her to live with it forever
  5. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    We are still sharing our rental and I can hear her pain in her breath as she comes upstairs to get a drink, I hear her crying donwstairs and I want nothing more than to go protect My Love and comfort her and make it all better, but she is very mad at me, she wants me nowhere near her. I want to talk about this, but can't find the words. I want to explain myself and try to make it better, but it just comes off defensive or as me trying to justify my actions. There is no defence, there is no justification. I fucked up, and now I have to live with the consequenses.
  6. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    What the fuck is wrong with me, that I'm so self centred that I feel like I can't tell my partner, My Love, my support that i fucked up in my sobriety, that I need to come up with a new plan to succeed.
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Me and @AnonymousAnnaXOXO still have resources in our signatures
  8. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Kenzi I will go through your resources again
    Kenzi likes this.
  9. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Last evening, while I was sitting upstairs, my SO texted me from downstairs, asking me to go down. So I immediately went to see what was up, and she asked me to come lay with her, and cuddle. I laid beside her for around a half hour while she watched some netflix, and held her. She asked me if I'd go take the dogs for a walk, and go get some veggies to make us dinner with. We continued our evening of watching netflix, had a talk about our feelings, and then went to bed together. Before that we'd had a few really bad arguments throughout the day, and I was genuinely terrified I'd lost her, and it tore my heart in half.

    I definitely fucked up, and I'm definitely not taking anything for granted, I AM going to do the work I slacked off on last time. I am the only person who can show her positive change, and the only way to do that is by doing the work and being the best human I possibly can for her.

    I love my Girl, and I'll do absolutely anything to make her life the best it possibly can be.
  10. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    I just read this article about integrity in a relationship,

    It is important to hold myself accountable to the promises and boundaries that we have set together. These are not only promises to My Love, not only boundaries within our relationship, but personal goals to keep myself on track with the man I want to be.

    I will hold myself accountable every day, I will follow the lists we've made. I will be the man who I promised my Lovebug I will be.
  11. Great quote from that article:
    "when couples like MeiMei and Kiran come face-to-face with a lack of integrity (as all of us do), they own it. They look each other in the eyes, and with honesty they admit to their shortcomings...They don’t make excuses. They don’t come up with reasons. They don’t place the blame on each other, or anything else. They recognize that the only person responsible for their personal integrity is themselves."
    Jennica and LowKeeKee like this.
  12. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    We had a pretty good day today, I worked from 8-noon, then came home, and we lounged on the couch and watched netflix most of the day. Too the dogs for a walk, I made us some Pho (MMMMMMMMM) now we are going to play a board game and go to bed.

    Positive day shared between us.
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  13. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    This article rings so true to everything, it is exactly what we've been talking about all along. I have this built in defensive tendancy to think I'm "protecting" someone with my hiding things. I understand that this is a lie, and a betrayal, and I need to work harder on getting to the bottom of these defensive tendencies. They are not helping my life in any way.
    Tomorrow I will call some therapists in our new town and try to set up an appointment or two to meet with some therapists. I will show my Love that I am in this for the long haul, and I want to do this work.
  14. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Work was rather slow today, it seemed to drag on for much longer than it did, probably because of the rain. Miserable weather forecast this week.

    I accomplished one of my goals today, and I set up an appointment to meet a new therapist here in our new home.

    I read a few articles today, one about trust and betrayal that explains different types of trust, and trying to heal a broken trust after a betrayal.

    Being compassionate and understanding of my SO's feelings, as well as following through on my promises I've made, adhering to the boundaries we've set.

    I also re-read "Loving like you give a shit" and I love that article, it is important to be open with your love, and no be ashes as show it. Just check it out if you haven't already.

    Therapy will be helpful, I hope I like this new therapist, the last one we had was really good, and I'm nervous that I won't like this new guy, but I won't know until I know, I suppose.
  15. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Another day of work, steady today though. I got my SO put onto my medical benefits officially today, which is a huge relief.

    Looked into some dentists in new town, need some teeth fixed.

    Today we met with a real estate agent to start the early talks about us buying our first house. Which is exciting and slightly nerve racking at the same time.
  16. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Only worked a half day today, came home at noon and cleaned the house. Felt good to accomplish the task.

    It's important to be accountable everyday to the things that I do, to be open and honest and clear about all the things that go on throughout my day.

    The second therapy place I talked to the other day called me back and did an intake interview with me today, does anyone out here have experience with Holistic Therapists? I like the sound of their services from what I heard over the phone today.
  17. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Productive day at work today, I feel accomplished. I fixed one of the hoists and it made me feel pretty good about myself.

    Asked my boss if I could borrow a lawnmower, our lawn in this new house is getting ferocious and needs a cut, we do not have the finances to purchase a lawnmower right now.

    I've started washing the dishes by hand instead of using the dishwasher, partly because the dishwasher leaves awful hard water stains on everything, and partly because it's one more task that can leave me feeling accomplished and just a little bit proud of myself.

    I've been staying true to my promises to my Lovebug, and I will not stop. I fucked it up once, and I'm in reset, and nothing will stop me now.
  18. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    I had to do an interesting task at work today, had to remove some solid forklift tires from their wheels, with a reciprocal saw, and my hands and really sore. Knuckles are all swollen, and I'm all blistered up, haha. It's all good though, it was interesting.

    We've really been hunting hard for a new house, and found a couple of possible leads today, went for a walk to look at one of them, it looks alright from the outside, pictures of the inside aren't bad.

    I'm staying true and clear to my boundaries, we watched a movie together this evening with some explicit scenes in it, and my Lovebug warned me ahead of time that they were there, and I had time to look away when these scenes happened. Good teamwork.
  19. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Early Dr appointment with my SO this morning, then we spent the day relaxing. Took Took the dogs for a nice long walk then went and got a few groceries, and finished off the night watching Netflix.
  20. LowKeeKee

    LowKeeKee Fapstronaut

    Today we had a long and stressful day, we've been dealing with a personal medical situation the last couple of weeks, which came to a head today leaving Lovebug in a lot of pain. It tore my heart in half to see her suffering and I'm such uncontrollable pain. We went to emergency to get her some pain remedies, and are now waiting here until her medication runs its course.

    It's been a scary day to say the least. But rest assured, she is not in any danger, and not in any sort of medical trouble. Everything is going to be absolutely fine in a couple of days, it's just scary and painful right now.

    I'm going to get her home, feed her some cookies and ice cream, and snuggle her hard while we watch The Good Wife and fall asleep.

    I love my Lovebug, and I'll do anything for her.
    Trappist likes this.

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