New here....

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Jinmo, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    I started mo when I was 13, and I started p when I was in my mid 20s. I then stopped p for several years, and mo was just an occasional thing. I actually went several years with no dating or anything, so my sex drive went down to almost nothing.
    A few months ago, I decided it would be nice to look for a relationship so I made an online profile. I went out as friends with a guy I really like, and the second time we hung out we messed around which led to sex the next time we saw each other. He also has a problem with pmo, so we were helping each other with p accountability. Having sex with him really opened the floodgates for me, and it made me really want touch and sex again. I developed feelings and he didn't which led to me recently having sex with a coworker.
    My coworker and I have liked each other for months, but he made it clear that this can only be a friendship and sex only thing because he is still grieving the death of his fiancee and is in a bad place.Immediately after, I regretted having sex with him but he has indicated he would still like to. I am no longer doing accountability with my other friend.
    Long story short, the combination of both of these non relationship things where I have been having infrequent sex where I am really wanting an actual relationship have triggered a major setback with pmo. I have been doing it multiple times a day, and I know it needs to stop.
    I really want to pursue finding a real actual relationship, but I wonder if I first need to get this under control. I am still really good friends with both guys, and I am concerned I will end up in yet another unsatisfying sexual non relationship but it is hard because I am so lonely and really want a relationship.
    Thoughts?
     
  2. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    Welcome here. I think it’s a good idea to keep PMO under control, as you say. Good luck with everything!
     
  3. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I do feel that I should probably start with that, but it is a struggle because I want a relationship and I think that would help. I know I need to be strong and able to handle my pmo when I am not in a relationship.
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Ugh! What a convoluted complex set of circumstances. The first one you didn't need anyway, and I suspect he was only pursuing you for sex in the first place. As a PMO addict, he just didn't care.

    The coworker, regardless of his fiancee's death, was a bad idea anyway. Those things always tend to get messy. So generally, not much good could come from it.

    I think you need to put some structure in your life. Take a look at @FlyingPizza's journal. She has outstanding examples of structure for her day and she did it. She made it through this mess. Also feel free to reach out to her. There are other tools too such as affirmations, meditation, 12-Step groups, etc. Get yourself an accountability partner you can call on at any time. And remember this: take it one day at a time. That's how you defeat it. One day at a time. Set your bar for just one day. And when you reach one day, double it to two. Then four, then eight and so forth and so on.

    Look around and ask questions. There are plenty of good people here to help.
     
  5. titkata92

    titkata92 Fapstronaut

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    All I can wish for is good luck to go forward.
     
  6. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    It definitely is convoluted. I really appreciate you reply. I probably do need more structure, and I will check out that journal.This will definitely have to be a one day at a time thing. So far, I am just glad I have made it this far today honestly.
     
  7. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!
     
  8. J Arthur Rank

    J Arthur Rank Fapstronaut

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    Be Strong. You can do it, i was aiming for 90 days, and 100+ days in, I feel much more in control
     
  9. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the encouragement. That is a big milestone, and I hope I can achieve that someday. Only one day in, and it seems daunting.
     
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Like I said, "One day at a time"!
     
  11. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Your situation does sound bothersome. On one hand you've got someone who you found in a dating site, but is also a PMO addict and may not have real feelings for you. On the other hand you have someone who is capable of loving in a deep and intimate way but is currently mourning his fiancee.

    I'm sorry, I do not have enough experience in this field to know what to say. All I know is that you should be going after what you feel is right. But do not forget you have the third option of finding a new person.

    Good luck on finding a good relationship!
     
  12. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    The one who is a PMO addict said awhile back he doesnt want to have sex with anyone again including me until he finds his soulmate. Tonight, he told me that he could have had sex tomorrow with someone he met online, but he decided not to. We are good friends so he felt okay with discussing it with me, but I think I will need to step back from him for awhile.
    I didn't think I would get as upset as I did with him telling me that. Stress makes my pmo issues worse, so I am trying to not let this set me back. I feel like the situation with these guys gets worse and more complicated all the time. I am torn, because I want to retain my friendship with them, but I am also trying to protect myself and not affect my pmo goals negatively.
     
    Solomon435 likes this.
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Fair enough. That's his Boundary and it is in his best interest to abstain, but also work a program and get his own help for recovery.
    That's probably a good idea, and a Boundary you need to convey to him. You can easily explain that it is not personal, but necessary for your own recovery.
    Maybe you have feelings for him that go deeper still and that's why the conversation hurt you.
    Yes, it does. Do what you have to to get through it.
    Then maintain the relationships, but set the Boundaries & Consequences. If they love you and value your friendship, they will understand and respect and honor your wishes. If not, you do not need them in your life. I've had a 30 year friendship that I crossed out of my life in the last year. I'm saddened by it, but I think that he is way too toxic for me, and I don't need it.

    Do what you have to do, and make no apologies for it. People in our lives are quick to set Boundaries for us and would dump their relationship with us at the drop of a hat if you crossed them. It is for your own safety and security in the environment that you live in. If you need help with Boundaries & Consequences, let me know.
     
  14. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community!
    My advice to you is to focus on your reboot for now before you get into a relationship since PMO makes people vulnerable to make bad decisions it clouds our judgment. Stay optimistic and happy! Cheers! :)
     
  15. Jinmo

    Jinmo Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I believe you are right. I have been making bad decisions, and it just seems to get worse. The hard part is stepping away from those. I am trying though.
     

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