new here

hola. i'm new

fuck porn, first of all. fuck porn! fuck it man! i've been addicted since i was like 7 or 8. it took hold of me so completely. thankfully i had a pretty normal life until i started fapping like tons of time in a day. and i learned so much gunky awful stuff from porn. i've been fighting since i was 19 to give it up, i'm 23, i'll be 24 in march. i gave it up for a while and felt like i 'discovered' my sexuality and broke with my shitty notions and all of the crappy ideas recklessly watching violent and demeaning porn gives you. now i don't dip into that stuff and am only into videos that are either really whacky or like, you can tell that there's an erotic motivation behind it, and where i don't get an icky feeling from the dude and i can tell the woman is like..fundamentally ok. still though i hate what it does to me, i can't stand it, i can't stand relying on it, being at its beck and call, i can't stand that i have absolutely no control over it, that i can't refuse it for more than a moment, that it's just still such a big part of my life! it's gross! i can't handle it! it's not good, sure sometimes i feel nice and it feels harmless and there's neutral moments or moments when i discover something attractive, and it makes me think. which isn't fair i don't know ANYTHING else that stimulates me and gives me pleasure at the same time. i have things that i love to do but porn is like... downtime stuff i guess, i do it a lot when i need to transition mindstates or if i'm lying in bed before sleeping or after waking up, or if i'm working at the computer and have disengaged with what i'm doing. i remember how hard it was to give it up for the like, idk 8 or so months i did give it up for, how much willpower it took, how blunted my sexuality felt, how lost i felt without sexual stimulation, like i was missing a part of me. i guess that really gets me like... what do i do when this is gone? i rather like sexual stuff, well, kind of, and it gives me a false sense of intimacy, i get to pine after women and be like 'aww' and indulge in their shapes and skin and etc etc, almost like i would a partner. i guess i have to confront my fundamental loneliness but honestly i don't want my loneliness to go away. i don't want to not feel sorry for myself in that way because it feels good, it's like drinking heavily when you're depressed and just sinking into it until its warm and you're dark and brooding. i don't know. i'm just uh. i've accepted porn to an extent but the content is odious and the effects it has on me are really obnoxious and yeah they don't last but i don't want shit hijacking my perception unless it's like, idk. it's hard to say. i just want to get back to innocence. i don't feel that i have that same willpower, the same strength to completely pay attention to rewiring my brain. i have other shit to think about you know ? that was such a stressful time. it's good that it happened and i passed a lot of evil and fucked up stuff through my system. now i don't know what i quit for. because it's a group of behaviors that is just stupid and shitty? because now i know that i'm desensitized and clicked on a picture of a woman sucking a horse d*ck out of curiosity? because i know i'm at the point where less is less and i need more extreme, conceptual, odd, weird, strange things that i WILL REGRET SEEING to get me off? because like it or not the shock value is what really gets you sometimes, if not the eroticism present, or the situation, or whatever. It's no longer me masturbating and using porn as an aid. it's me masturbating to porn. it's porn masturbating my mind and me stroking my dick as encouragement in complicit acceptance. i don't know how to end this guys. i need to end this right now. i know how fucked up your mind can get on porn. even with the best intentions man. it's not something that i can freely indulge in. it's not.

the only thing in the past is that i've been dealing with this thing completely alone...no one to talk to. i told my parents and my ex girlfriend that i was addicted and trying to stop, maybe a year ago, and they were (kind of) supportive, (although my ex went a little crazy and rather than supporting me elected to send me a bunch of porn-inspired pictures of her naked and posing, which i guess could've been like, cool, this is my girlfriend instead of weird girls on the internet, but it was like, i'm trying to STOP masturbating to images of women naked on the internet, and here you are naked on the internet? in retrospect maybe it could've been a nice thing since masturbating to pics your girlfriend sends you does nothing i don't think but increase your desire for her. oh well it just seemed..w.eird...as she never really prefaced it with 'here these are to help you stop masturbating to porn' it was more... i don't know what motivated her to do it but it was strange and i wasn't really receptive and honestly it was sort of hot, trying to stay away).

anyway now i'm here, on nofap, with all of your wonderful fighters and fapstronauts, and i think i may have a chance if i can talk about it.

 

Thanks for this! and definitely. i don't know much about willpower as of right now but from wht I can sense from my personal experiences is that it's not a reliable resource for action or for change. there are other things that facilitate and motivate much better than some imaginary "willpower", which i think is just what we call it when we see someone push through something without knowing how it is that they've trained themselves to push through, or how many things before that they've pushed through, or what kind of attitudes they've cultivated in their lives up to that point.

thanks for the welcome. i am glad to be here! i've seen you around a couple of times already, mostly giving cheer and advice to the newbies, much needed and very welcome with all of the information you provide us with. it's like a resource; i can come back when i'm curious and read another good thing. the links to good journals have been a good read.