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New here with questions

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Johns80, Sep 17, 2017.

  1. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Here's my story followed by some questions:
    Two years ago I started dating a wonderful guy. Our relationship has been great in every area and we were discussing marriage. Early on in getting to know one another I brought up the subject of porn and he said he didn't watch it or use it. A few months later he had a virus on his computer. I'm really tech savvy so I offered to fix it. I discovered a lengthy internet history filled with pornography websites. I confronted him and asked why he wasn't upfront and honest about it. He said he was embarrassed and that at the end of his tumultuous sexless marriage that's all he had. He got divorced and then was single for three years until we met. I explained all my reasons for not wanting that in our relationship and he agreed.

    Throughout the next ten months things seemed good. I would ask now and again how he was dealing with not having pornography and he would say he wasn't looking at it and felt he didn't need it. I noticed he started to have trouble climaxing. Often stating that he was tired or his age was catching up to him (he's 47). Finally two weeks ago he started experiencing full ED. I just felt in my gut something was wrong do I asked to see his phone. There, on a secret browser was a history full of pornography. He broke down and admitted he had never stopped, that it was an addiction, that he used it to combat work stress, and he needed help quitting. He saw a therapist that week who specializes in it and will begin seeing him every two weeks. He had me put accountability and blocking software on his phone and computer.

    I asked specifically what he looked at and how often. He said it had not gotten to the point of intense violence or things out of the "normal" scope. Mostly women together and a lot of BJ viewing. Two or three days a week, around 30 minutes a week.

    I'm of course devastated. I had trust in him and overnight that has evaporated. All the things he's saying such as, "I don't need it, I won't watch it again, I'm done with it" are the exact words he said the first time. I no longer believe them.

    How do you get over the lying?

    How do you get over the disgust you feel when you can't get what they've viewed out of your head?

    How do you rebuild intimacy when it's pulverized your self esteem?
     
  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    A very familiar story I'm afraid. If you browse the partner support section you will find many SOs say that it is the deceit that is the worst part. I recommend looking through this section to see what others have experienced. But to summarise the main points.
    • The lying is the worst part, which means that a commitment to total honesty and openness is essential going forward
    • Commitment by the PA to beating the addiction is also essential, including acknowledgement that this is a long-term process
    • It is important that the PA understands the depth of the hurt he has caused you and that you need to heal
    • Many SOs recommend setting out clear boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not and some specify the consequences should those boundaries be crossed
    • There are three processes that need to happen and all three will take time: The PA beating the addiction (1 to 5 years); the SO healing from the hurt/trauma; rebuilding of trust in the relationship through repeated demonstration of openness and commitment.
    The only consolation I can offer is that he has belatedly taken the first two steps - acknowledging that he has an addiction and starting to address it. The really important thing is that he really wants to quit. Society has normalised porn use and many PAs go through the motion of quitting to please their SOs without really making the necessary internal commitment. He needs to fully understand the damage porn has done to him and that his behaviour towards you feels like a betrayal. If you have any doubt about his commitment then use the resources from this site to hammer those two points home to him. If he is not in tears at the end, he probably hasn't got the message.

    Good guys and bad guys get caught in the alluring trap that is porn. The thing that distinguishes the good guys from the bad is how hard they fight to get out of it once the truth of their situation is revealed to them.

    I hope yours is one of the good guys.

    All the best

    ANH
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2017
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I know exactly what you mean about them being the exact words you have heard before. We went through that, too and it is so difficult. It is still difficult. As for how do I get over the lying? I haven't. I'm not sure I ever will. It hurts every time I think about it. I know I will never trust him 100% again. There will always be some doubt there. Also, not to sound super negative, but be prepared that there may be more you still don't know about his PA. I got dealt a second blow months after we had already started to heal (or so I thought) and then again a few weeks after that. I halfway expect that at any time something else could be revealed. I hate that feeling. As for the disgust... same, it is still there. It is less now than it was months ago, but it is there. And regarding the intimacy, what has worked really well for us is being emotionally intimate instead of focusing on physical intimacy. This has helped me greatly. That is good he has installed the filters and is going to therapy. Those are some great steps, along with him knowing it is a problem and wanting to quit. Hang in there, this is so hard to deal with.
     
  4. Welcome to the forum!
    Yes, your story is a carbon copy of most of our stories here. Just read some of our journals in this forum...
    I don't even know where to start other than letting you know you are definitely not alone. Your partner is definitely not alone or unique with his addiction. The lying is horrible, but that's what they do before they are well into their recovery (takes a long time for some to realize how destructive it is).

    Three "words" of advise for BOTH OF YOU:
    1. Educate yourself on his addiction and your betrayal trauma.
    2. Get help from professionals for both of you separately.
    3. Come here and vent and ask questions and help others - it all helps tremendously.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2017
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  5. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your replies.
    We are both seeing separate therapists. We are reading the information here and on Fight the New Drug. After reading the article on sex trafficking he broke down in tears and said he hated himself, that he was an awful person.
    I'm struggling the most with what he saw. I can't get the images out of my head and can't stop feeling how I'll never live up to them.
     
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  6. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    As a recovering PA who quit porn for good 3 months ago, let me try to reassure you that whatever images he was watching, they were just flat, 2d, artificial and fake. The sex he was actually having was with his own hand. Porn is a pathetic, pale imitation of the wonderful experience of making love to a real flesh and blood woman with a real personality, with whom you make a real emotional connection, who surprises you and reciprocates and who you can touch, smell and taste as well as see and hear. It is like comparing a bag of popcorn with a 5-course banquet. Once he is out of the fog of addiction, making love with you will be 100 times the experience that porn ever was.

    ANH
     
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  7. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your response. He was finally open and revealed things he looked up and now...well, some of them were acts I enjoyed with him and now can't bring myself to want to engage in them anymore because I've convinced myself his brain would connect it to the videos and I feel disgusted. He also told me he specifically went to videos with multiple women. One is bad enough, now I have to compete with the top stereotypical male fantasy?

    The crappiest part is I have always enjoyed our sex life. I've never turned him down and have been very open to expanding our horizons (which he's turned down). I'm truly attracted to him and have told him so daily since we met. I've never felt the need to look at or fantasize about anyone else. So it KILLS me that he has.
     
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  8. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I understand and I am sorry. I can see how certain acts are 'tainted' for you because of the association with his porn habit. Maybe other SOs her can advise on if/how they dealt with that.

    My only advice, from the other side of the fence, is please try not to think of it as your having to compete with porn or that the PA's P use was a result in some way of some deficiency in your attractiveness. That really isn't the way this works. The addict in the depth of his addiction is in a driven cycle looking for the next dopamine hit and has warped the reward circuitry in his brain and that includes the subconscious quest for novelty. Addicts in the grip of their addiction do not make rational choices.

    He has to get porn out of his life forever, with whatever external support he needs, so that his brain can rewire and reboot. You need to take care of yourself and try to heal the best way you can.

    I wish you all the best

    ANH
     
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  9. All I can say, from now about 6 months in recovery, is that it slowly gets better. I used to have anxiety 24/7 over his PA, with constant flashbacks, thoughts, triggers, crying, not being able to sleep or eat, not to mention a total aversion to sex or even touch from him.

    I totally broke down about two months ago and finally asked for professional help. My body and mind just couldn't take it anymore, so I really had to do something about it, because I felt like I was dying.

    Now I want sex, I don't mind his touch (and sometimes even ask for it). The triggers are still there, but I'm working on this issue in my own therapy. The heart palpitations and constant shaking went away with medication (SSRI). I'm sleeping better, not perfect yet, but better and a lot (that's depression, I was told). I'm still not eating much, but at least I'm eating. I'm taking online betrayal trauma courses left and right. I'm connecting with women all over the world, who have similar experiences. I'm still not my normal self, though, so I don't get out of the house almost at all, I don't do any arts or crafts or dancing (my most cherished hobbies). I'm calmer now and even smile sometimes (my kids noticed that :) ). I'm not getting angry with him nearly as much as before. I feel more mature actually, like I have grown up through this experience. Sometimes I even have some hope, but he still needs a lot of work on himself for me to get more trustful and to believe we can have a happy/normal future together.

    But yeah, from the perspective of the past few months, it does get better, but very slowly.
     
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  10. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    I think it is worth explaining what porn means to a man - as you appear to misunderstand and attribute it to a category of unfaithfulness, akin to cheating (or fantasizing about cheating) with a real woman.

    As an analogy men's eyes are drawn to porn in the way (most) women's eyes are drawn to pairs of shoes or handbags. But that is as far as the analogy extends. A women staring at a nice pair of shoes in a shop window covets those shoes - she literally wants them - and her fantasizing about them is part of that wishing. A man watching porn doesn't covet the women he sees - he simply enjoys the fantasy, in the moment - the fantasy is the beginning and the end.

    Of course excessive porn use can become very destructive to a man just as compulsive shopping can be to a woman. That is a different matter.

    While your hubby-to-be needs to get off the porn. Seriously. Please don't fall into the familiar trap of feeling the porn he watched was in any way a fantasy about real cheating, and for you to think the "I'm not good enough" or "why am I not enough" thoughts. First, those thoughts don't help. Second, they're also simply not true judged by porn use alone. Porn belongs in a separate category.

    Get him straightened out - and get back to your experimenting with sex IRL. He is very lucky to have a special lady who is so open minded! ;)
     
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  11. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I was just wondering if you would mind sharing what these classes are? I've been wanting something like this.
     
  12. I signed up for https://bloomforwomen.com/ first and took many of their online courses. Now, that they have a live online group course, I took that one too. I also signed up for a moving beyond betrayal online course at https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/. I have ordered videos/audios from http://drdougweiss.com/. Before d-day I took a course from http://presidelife.com/ and it helped a bit with some of my childhood stuff, but became a bit not enough, when the addiction came to light. I also signed up for https://www.betterhelp.com/ online one-on-one therapy, but I didn't like the format, so I quit. I also signed up for https://markmanson.net audio blog, because I really love that guy's style (all topics, not addiction/trauma oriented).
    YT channels I like:
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeneINV1yWUhjo1xCjz099Q
    https://www.youtube.com/user/SaaviAccountability
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmLKg2IviWqr2ENIYuJ-KGg
    https://www.youtube.com/user/TEDxTalks/search?query=porn (many good ones, but also some bad ones here)
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPPgoZVhSfDNTj6VAqJ1FMA
    etc, etc.

    I hope these help :)
     
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  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much! I had started a thread recently about the Bloom for Women asking if anyone liked it because I was thinking of joining! It looks good, but I wasn't sure. Do you like it? Do you feel it was useful? Is it worth the price? Thank you. And thanks for all the other resources, those are very helpful!
     
  14. I like the bloom for women myself. I will probably not be a subscriber for very long, once I have *used up* their resources. But since I don't live in the States and can't attend their onsite groups in Utah and one other place..., I use whatever online I can get. And yes, it is very useful for me, and sometimes I make my BF listen to some parts I really think would help him understand my trauma better.
     
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  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Thank you!
     
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