New here. Hurt and confused

Heartbroken, you really broke my heart. I must say I admire your resilience and care for him.

As one who broke a girl's heart without 'going too far' (porn and cheating are not very far away from each other) I have to say that you cannot push him. He has to desire it, he has to get to a point in which he understands that people will not make it work for him, and it won't be comfortable. He needs support and care, but I think more than anything he needs to know that the most difficult part of this process is getting himself mentally to where he knows he's wrong. His acting out is wrong, his reactions, his blame shifting, and his own will. He should start getting educated about porn, its effects and problems. Then he should move to acknowledging what it is that he's after - because porn is rarely a habit and usually an escape that he has to figure out. The third and most painful part is to acknowledge that it wasn't 'just porn', you're a human being, and trusted him, and you've been affected greatly by his behavior. Even if he never met people in person, his emotions were participating in the betrayal of that trust. He owes himself a great apology for the damage he incurred, but he also should work hard and tough on amends.

Acknowledging our part in hurting someone, when we actually don't think that's 'cheating proper' is the most hard thing. And it comes from the heart, you cannot make that stuff up. You probably need counseling as well during this heavy time.

I'm not married, but I believe that as strong and resilient as you are, you will need time to heal from this. Your spouse has been emotionally attached to pixels, phone numbers, escorts, e-mails. All of those are exactly the same as intercourse, and they do present a problem in your marriage that needs to be amended and not just swept under the rug as a cigarette addiction. He'll believe he's the victim in this, but he must come to his senses and realize that you are a victim as well.

 

Welcome to the forum. There are many couples that have reached the brink and have recovered. My wife and I have been married 18 years and we were on the verge of separating. She gave me an ultimatum and I finally got clean and have been doing well for 1 1/2 years. Our marriage has improved significantly. If your husband is ready to do some hard work then it is possible for things to get better.

It's nice to see that your husband is looking for help. However, you cannot be the crutch that he uses to prop himself up. An addict needs to take primary responsibility for their own recovery. Your primary responsibility will be to help yourself heal. If you have something leftover to help him then that's a bonus. Remember that you are his wife and you are not his therapist, policeman, mother, or priest.

He needs to understand that he cannot fight this on his own. Addiction is serious business. He will need to understand the reasons why porn/sex is addiction is so attractive to him. Which is why we suggest he see a therapist. Taking away access to the internet will not be enough. It's similar to taking away alcohol from an alcoholic... none of the underlying reasons why the person drinks is being addressed.

It's good that he has reached a rock-bottom moment. Addicts surround themselves with delusional thinking and go through life on autopilot. A rock-bottom moment cuts through that hazy trance and they can finally realize how much damage they have caused. It is important for you to establish boundaries and communicate possible consequences. This is a good link which talks about that. He cannot merely drift his way through recovery and you need to make sure he understands what is expected of him.

Once he starts making progress then he can start working on your relationship. Right now your faith and trust in him is shattered with good reason. Nothing can be built on that foundation. As he heals hopefully he will start turning into a man worthy of respect and trust again. In the meantime, please lean on this community as a way of venting your feelings and gathering valuable information and advice. All of us have been in you or your husband's shoes at one point and are digging ourselves out of the destruction this addiction causes. I hope you find all the support you need to assist your family in healing.

 

Well. You are still thinking of it disengaged of your feelings. You're thinking of how much it affects him, and how much it destroys him. But truth is you also need to be able to say to yourself that your husband has been unfaithful to you, and that hurt you, you have been affected. He still doesn't get how that is destroying you, and what you both have as a result.

I know that you think of all the things that will go wrong, but if you keep strong and focus on helping him tackle his demons he will only get the impression that he's the one being victimized by his behavior. He'll never look past his own mind, and his own emotions, and that will not help him realize the danger, the risk, and what it is that he truly wants to attain.

My girlfriend had to come to a point of complete brokeness and pain, almost hate, for me to realize how much I had thought of "poor me" and completely forgotten of her and her pain. It's devastating to realize how selfish I had become, and how little I cared about the person I thought I loved the most. That was my wake up call, and I'm now rebuilding trust. But yes, it cost me a planned break up, lots of tears and the pain of the person I care about the most. It's only when we have real consequences that we wake up from the cloud of uncertainty that this emotional turmoil creates around us.

You care for him, that's admirable. But care also for yourself. It may require you to be a bit harsh, and he will think you're mean and evil, but I assure you that if he truly cares about you and the family you've built. He will have to land back on planet earth and realize that not everything revolves around him, and that he is a man and owns his life. He has to ask, *demand*, his own life back from this.

 

Please, keep bringing your thoughts up here. There are many people in your place who love a partner that needs time to wake up. There are also many of us who need to hear the pain in others' stories to realize the relationships we have to mend.

This is why this community is so beneficial, regardless of your situation. Thank you for being honest and open with us. I believe that you're a very special person and that your husband will realize soon enough what his first steps need to be in order to overcome this.

Hope you have a good day,

 

Obviously you need to do what's best for your kids. But If your teens are male, there is a good chance that they are affected by the same addiction. It's everywhere in this world....to the point that, in many ways, it's socially acceptable. An open dialogue might be beneficial for the older members of your family. You also don't want to protect your husband from the negative consequences of his actions.

 

Absolutely. Porn addiction has consumed countless young men, myself included. I think society is just now starting to see the tip of the iceberg. It's not a stretch to call it a full blown epidemic. Women can and do become addicted as well but I believe it's overwhelmingly men, specifically young men.

 

No one has mentioned this yet and I really hope saying this doesn't add to how hard this has been on you....but if you haven't done so already, you REALLY need to get in to see your doctor and get yourself checked out. Your husband's risky behavior has put you at risk for some really ugly health issues. Even if it's just for peace of mind, you need to get tested. There are things out there that can be accidentally passed to your kids just by meal prep and kisses good-night. Hopefully everything is fine and you are totally healthy. But with the shock of finding out about his behaviors and logic dictating that the 'fake you' was not his only real life hookup, you may have forgotten about your physical safety in this regard.....and you really need to make sure you are okay.