New here and looking for support

Hi @KMM22

Welcome to NoFap. The SOs here are wonderful and the site in general has a huge volume of material and others' stories for you to learn from and hopefully gain strength from.

PAs feel shame and PAs lie. That is what they do. Those that successfully turn their lives around, and there are plenty that do, do so by finally being honest with themselves and their SOs. In order to do that, most need to truly realise what is at stake - the damage they've caused, the pain they've inflicted and the fact that they will destroy everything they love if they do not quit. This rock bottom realisation is normally accompanied by a lot of tears. Do you think your bf has reached that point? If so, then you have a way ahead. You can discuss triggers, how to avoid temptation, what form his reboot is going to take, how making love with you is going to fit into the plan and how he is going to check in with you to rebuild trust - for example do you put monitoring/blocks on his devices.

You asked a specific question. He said he couldn't O unless he was thinking of you. My first reaction was that sounds like BS. My second reaction was to be reminded of Groucho Marx to Margaret Dumont in the Night at the Opera:

"Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you. That's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you!"

To me, that makes as much sense as your boyfriend's remark.

You could dig into it further, but to me the most important thing now is that he is truly committed to rebooting and to total honesty. If that is the case, most of the rest will fall into place.

Good luck

ANH

 

Yes, it might have been a misguided attempt to make you feel better.

If he truly wants to change then that's half the battle. You will both have to be strong but at least you are both on the same side.
Keep talking together; sometimes about the porn but more often about everything else: your lives, your feelings, your hopes and dreams. Make the connection between you as strong as you can. PAs relapse when they are feeling isolated and alone.

All the best

ANH

 

Hi, welcome. My husband said something similar. He didn't say he couldn't O without thinking of me, but he said he would search out people that looked like me or had the same body type as me. I don't know if he was just saying that to make me feel better (it didn't) or if he really did that, but just posting so you know another PA has done something similar.

 

My hubby said the same thing.
He was searching for my body type (also did not help me to feel better), however I saw his views as it were that I wasn’t good enough for my own body type with consistently compared me to the other women.
Interestingly enough when he had cheated, she was far from anything like me. Personally I never felt that statement never had any weight to it because of those factors. However I do know that I had changed his taste in body type a degree. He used to be attracted to more softer voluptuous woman and I’m petite athletic build, so in reality he did but then started to “appreciate” the younger perfect fit plastic look from porn (He used to find physical flaws attractive).
When we began our relationship he never felt he could never reach O with other women because he didn’t love them. But that changed with his PA as the cheating happened with no issue and was incredibly easy for him.
Thankfully the reboot is helping with all of that.

 

Hi @KMM22! Welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand exactly how horrible it feels to discover the man you love has been deceiving and lying to you. There is hope, though, if he's willing to commit to recovery from PA.

I noticed after D-Day, "truth" came in stages (a staggered disclosure). Some of the things he said seemed to be aimed at testing the waters, to see if it was safe to proceed with more disclosure. I think it's common for PA's to say some things with the hope of softening our reactions. I heard some honest revelations but also some half-truths. It might be difficult for him to be fully transparent with you until he's been "sober" awhile. Trust yourself, and trust his actions.

It's great he sounds open to stopping using porn! What actions is he taking to show you he's committed to quitting? Would he be open to therapy with a CSAT? Not all therapists are qualified to treat porn/sex addiction, so it's a good idea to "vet" a potential therapist before going. You can call and ask their opinions on porn addiction. That would have saved my bf several wasted months with a therapist who was actually supportive of his porn use. It might have also saved him from one of his relapses. I'd encourage him to check out this forum and watch some videos like "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. There are several books out there he could read on porn addiction, too. Speaking of books, I'm reading one called Mending a Shattered Heart that is great for SO's like you and me.

I'm glad you came here for support!