New Focus

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by New Focus, Mar 15, 2015.

  1. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Thanks to Old Growth, I have found my way to this new community.

    I deliberated coming here as I was unsure if joining yet another online support board was the best way for me to go, but in the end, I felt to solidify my new focus, it would be the right move.

    I am 54 yrs old (Yikes, it is hard to read that!) I have been actively trying to quit porn for 17 years now with absolutely no success whatsoever.

    During those 17 years, my cycles has been in the 7-10 day range for 99% of the time. I have surpassed 30 days only about 6 times total.

    Old Growth has been a source of inspiration for me. I plan on committing daily to posting my journal online daily (I have a blog which I will be reposting here daily)

    #2 is I am revamping my spiritual life. This addiction has really ripped that part of my life away.

    #3 is the elimination of compulsive porn and masturbation. My definition of this will also include intentional searching . On the board that I came from we called this MC or Middle Circle. In its simplest form, it is intentionally clicking on links that is taking me a step closer to porn.

    Oddly enough, this daily commitment was tested on this very site in one of the other forums. There was a thread there basically inviting us to google some model. I resisted the urge to click.

    I look forward to the support here and will be offering what I can for support also. In my next few posts I will repost from my blog over to this journal.

    Today is only Day 5, but already I am making positive changes forward.
     
  2. Augustines_Bro

    Augustines_Bro Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, New Focus, Day 5 is a good start. And who better than OG to recommend you here? My track record has been about the same...maybe 17 years; I stopped twice but went back to P both times. These past 15 months comprise my third stop...this time successful. It took a while, I had a bit of a roller coaster, though improving regularly. I suspect you'll find the same. So just keep making progress, even if it feels slow, progress is still good. This is a lifelong journey.

    You wondered if this forum is the best way to go. Maybe, maybe not. We're all different. But define "best." So even if this isn't the "best," it's a damned sight better than the white knuckle ride we tried before. So hang in for the long run. We can all make progress together.

    I'm confident OG set the expectations. No magic bullets. This is hard work, and can be emotionally painful. But it leads to success if we maintain our focus and determination.

    Read frequently, other guys recommend various resources and techniques they found successful. And post often, even if it feels like you're just babbling. It's cathartic, but also, guys will pick up on something you say; it may help them, or they may have an idea for you.

    Stay strong, you're definitely fighting the good fight. And I wish you peace.
    AB
     
  3. Jim2015

    Jim2015 Fapstronaut

    Welcome from a 55 yr old friend. Here's something I posted to a couple of other guys this weekend. Hope it helps. Touch base with me and keep in touch. Send a PM or write on my journal if you want.

    Some suggestions:

    I suggest you set up a counter with a goal...30 days or 90 days. I set mine at 90. When I complete that, I'll add another 90.

    Find some good journals to read. The forum for 40+ is where I read and post. Look at seventyniner, old growth, and some of those that they/we follow and comment on.

    Start your own journal in that section. Write in it at least every other day. Maybe daily. Discuss your growth, progress, challenges. The guys will read and rally round to support you.

    Find a couple of guys to be Accountability Partners. Check in with each other, every day or so to see how you are doing,encourage each other, confront each other, and keep each other on track. It might be good to find someone who has been at it a couple of weeks.

    Get a couple of other alternative activities...workout...run...walk...garden...bike. ..write in a blog...this way you'll be growing and expanding yourself in other ways beyond just reading and writing on here.

    These are a few thoughts and suggestions. You have taken a step in the right direction. Let me know what you think and how you are doing.

    Jim
     
    DIYAS1, Searcher 962 and SR Victory like this.
  4. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Thank you AB and Jim for making me feel so welcomed here. What I feel most grateful at the moment even more than the support of others in this battle against porn, but the realization that I am not alone- that I am not the only one still fighting at this age or that others know the feeling of fighting for all these years and still believing it can be accomplished.

    My main concern is being too obsessed with porn, even when porn free.Has anyone else struggled with being addicted to these boards, maybe replacing porn?

    One last thing...I think I may have to stay away from the Addiction forum...I am still trying to get that urge out of my mind from that thread that I read over there.

    Thanks again for the support.
     
    Sam_ba likes this.
  5. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Day 1 of 117

    Today is yet another Day 1- I have had literally a 1000 of them, This has been a good day. I really think nice weather has a positive impact also. It has been an 80 degree swing in the past week!

    OG has been a huge influence in the direction that Iam going to go in. Like him, I have tried every program under the sun, but still, I find myself in 5 day cycles.

    OG also used 3 foundational habits that he would do daily. I would like use this formula.

    I am embarking on a 117 day journey. Why 117 days? About 14 years ago, I achieved 116 days- my best as far as abstinence is concerned. Now, during that time, it was a bunch of white knuckling and a boat load of restrictions.

    I understand this time around, it is not about the accumulation of days, although I need them. I need to understand better and in a deeper way what are my set ups and why they are. On top of that, I need to create a different, more authentic life that does not have room for porn. This will be purpose as I progress through these 117 days.

    My Foundational daily habits

    No porn. I hate using a negative for a goal, but this is a must have. This habit will include porn, mb, and any intentional searching. Some call this edging, some call it MC(middle circle)
    I will write in this journal daily. I need to do this to help me process not only this addiction, but the realities of life.
    Christian meditation. I was a very committed Christian at one point, but this addiction has really ripped that apart. This one will be an evolving one.
    I need to have a clearer idea of how I will do the meditation aspect, but for now it means a time of prayer and time in the Bible.

    What a difference 24 hours makes.

    OG, if you happen to be reading- thanks for your great example..
     
  6. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Day 2 of 117- My Setups

    I have felt very flat today, but I still feel pretty excited about the direction that I am now going in.

    One advantage of acting out consistency for 17 years is it is not really all that difficult to know what situations tend to cause me act out.

    MY SET UPS
    1) Crossing some preconceived line initiated by someone else at which point I begin the “Make it official” routine

    2) Thoughts of my porn-type and dwelling on it

    3) Home alone

    4)Listless feeling
    -boredom
    -gloomy weather
    -Sunday afternoon feeling
    -Day off from work

    5) Spending idle time online
    -This includes time spent on support boards and even wordpress

    6) Emotional extremes- especially from work

    7) Intentional MC(Middle Circle or edging)
    – (NOTE) this particular scenario is no longer a part of my authentic life

    8) My wife’s medical issue

    My intention is to be aware when one of these situations confront me. Almost daily I am home alone and today I had an extreme emotion from work.

    I am finding it very impactful writing in this blog everyday (granted it has only been 2 days) Even if I am just writing to myself, and really, that is kind of the point. When I was at NP, I always felt like I was writing to an audience so I never really felt like I was doing real recovery work.
     
  7. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Day 3 of 117- Commitment

    It is 11:30 pm. I am somewhat forcing myself to write this entry to maintain my daily focus. At first I really was not sure what I wanted to write about, but then it became clear for me.

    Commitment. I really want to end this life of porn addiction, yet I always find myself back into it every 5 days or so.

    I have tried every program under the sun. I have been a part of some online support board for 15 years. Someone on NP told me to choose any program you like, but commit to it. No program works without it…So true.

    I do not know what it is about me, but I always feel that wandering within me to change things up after a few days. Even right now with my current plan of no porn, meditation, and posting. I began to think, what difference would it really make if I put off this blog entry until tommorrow morning?

    The fact is, I could have done that and I am confident I would still be porn free. However, these daily disciplines is specifically meant to exercise commitment.

    I also have to fight off thoughts of discouragement…how long will this attempt last? Still, I feel like this attempt is different. Writing here does make a difference- I must admit I am finding it helpful everyday when I get to write in the title for the day as the number is going up.

    I am strongly considering signing up for yet another online support board-www.nofap.com. My biggest concern is that it will keep me locked up with a life centered on porn even when I am porn free. I know the trade off is the support I could receive there.
     
  8. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Day 4- Home Alone

    It is Saturday morning and my wife is at work, like she does every other Saturday. These are the days I almost always act out with.

    This day will be different however. Even though I slept horribly last night (Another usual circumstance for acting out) I am planning a more constructive day than normal.

    The main thing is getting back to the theme of organization that I had last fall. This is basically what I am representing with my name of New Focus.

    It is now 9:30 pm. R&C left at noon, leaving me completely on my own the rest of the day. Without reservation, I know this would normally be a guaranteed time of acting out. Instead, today solidified the direction I am now going in.

    I registered with http://www.nofap.com. I have yet to activate my account because I am still a little unsure if this is the right move. I struggled for a long time over the years with my involvement with online boards.

    I want to talk to my wife about it, but right now I am thinking that I need to do all I can to break those 5 day cycles that I have found myself in, even if it seems excessive.

    I spent some time today going over my past times of acting out to think through how I would now handle it.

    What I am finding out is when I find myself very aware of my setups, when they do come up, I feel like I can stay ahead of the perceived need of acting out. It seems so obvious to me at the moment how awareness of those setups sets me up for success.

    I feel like I am rambling on bit right now, so I will end this entry, knowing that this day will be a day I will recall when my envisioned success becomes my reality.
     
  9. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Day 5 of 117- Whirlwind

    Today has been a whirlwind of recovery work today. I awoke this morning knowing that part of my spiritual focus was to attend church this morning.

    A little background- I had been a very committed Christian for years, serving as elder and Deacon in my church, among many other titles. Then one year our church had to close its doors.

    That was 10 1/2 years ago and I have gone very backwards since that time. This addiction has deteriorated that part of my life badly. I know God has gone nowhere, so I am now making my way back to Him.

    After church, my wife made a drive to a Lowe's to look at back splash tile. On the way there, I told my wife about this blog and the nofap group. I told her I can no longer live this way. I want to be completely open with her in this current journey.

    I told her of this blog and gave her the password to the site. At anytime she wants to see how I am doing, all she has to do is log on and read.

    I also officially joined nofap today. At first I was concerned it was the right decision. I stumbled upon a thread that basically asked us to google a model. I did not because of my definition of porn.

    I did question if I should ever have even read that thread in the first place. I know if I come across another thread like that I will not. In fact, at this point I am probably going to stick to just the journal section.

    So, I close todays entry with 5 completed days of my 3 daily commitments intact . I know it is way too early to make any calls, but I am excited about my direction right now.
     
  10. Wonderful stuff, New Focus - great name and a great journal.

    It's a brave decision to tell your wife and one I hope you will reap great benefit from. I haven't yet told my partner about this. I know it would be the best thing to do, but... let's just say I'm struggling with it. I admire your openness.

    I too have had problems elsewhere on the site, and I think its wise to be focused in the way you use it.

    Congratulations on your five days and enjoy that well-earned feeling of excitement.

    I wish you well my friend.
     
  11. regrowth

    regrowth Fapstronaut

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    Great to see you here newfocus. I'm beyond reading through your journal right now as I'm more than ready for bed, but look forward to reading through it properly tomorrow after work.

    We've been through some tough times together over at NP, here's hoping we both have successful times here at NoFap.
     
  12. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    This really feels like a fresh start for me. My mindset really is for success at this time. You are a very big reason for that...

    NP was doing nothing for me...I think it is actually dying...
     
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  13. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    What is edging

    I would like a little clarification on what people mean when talking about edging. Is it the same as Middle Cirlcling (browsing swimsuit images or the like)

    I know I should probably put this question on the addiction forum, but I am uncomfortable with that forum at this time.
     
  14. Augustines_Bro

    Augustines_Bro Fapstronaut

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    Based on what I've read here, I consider edging as starting to M, but not all the way to O. Some guys discuss engaging in that for extended times, like hours. For me, it's still addictive and compulsive, all about the dopamine rush, so I don't want to edge.

    As for swimsuits and the like, I've seen guys refer to that as "peeking."

    Hope that helps. Peace.
    AB
     
  15. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Thanks for this AB. So, if I understand this correctly, this edging means you are looking at p? I can this help anyone?

    I have found this type (searching, MC) to have the same effects as actually using p.

    I think I will stick to my definition of p to include intentional MC, which edging seems to clearly be.
     
  16. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Day 6 of 117- Self-doubt

    6 days today. I know 6 days is not very many, but for someone who has been in 5 day cycles, it’s a start.

    It is amazing how our minds can create doubt within ourselves. Some call it our AV (Addictive Voice)

    My AV is not really badgering me about using porn, it seems to be more on creating self- doubt. This is an easy argument as over the span of 17 years I had no ability to stop using porn.

    I am feeling self doubt with my inability to actually make this the time to breakthrough. I think this may be part of withdrawal also. The thing is, I do not feel like I am in any danger of actually acting out, but I just feel the inner addict trying to gain control with small things.

    I did not sleep well last night, infact, the last 3 days my sleep has been terrible. I think it is this lack of sleep that is causing this post to be a little incoherent. It has been a long day today and it would be easy to let my daily goals go unmet today, but I am trying to build something new here, so I continue to build upon this.
     
  17. Augustines_Bro

    Augustines_Bro Fapstronaut

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    You're exactly right. Moving past your previous best average is a big deal. Well done, keep up the good work, keep your momentum going.

    Apologies, but I wasn't too clear about the edging. I don't connect edging with porn. Rather, I see edging as masturbating without O, no matter what stimulates me. So it still brings a dopamine rush, it still self-medicates in response to my triggers.

    I went 4-5 months where I slipped every 14 days, almost like clockwork, and all because at that time I thought edging was OK. So I changed that. Now, for me, no P (and no peeking), no M, and no edging.

    But I'd like to hear others' opinions on that.

    Again, great work to make 6 days. Be proud of yourself. Stay vigilant, but also be at peace.
    AB
     
  18. regrowth

    regrowth Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on the six days.
    You've just proven that you can go six days without porn. Tomorrow you just have to make it through one day without porn. Then, the next day you just have to make it through another. Day by day, taking each day as it comes, the days will start to add up. There's a part of me that finds it hard to believe I've managed to get back up to 77 days after all this time of being in the addictive cycle. But there's another part of me that can believe it, because it knows I'm just taking each day as it comes.

    Well done here. I know for me, being tired used to be one of my biggest triggers, although, honestly, lately it hasn't been much of a trigger at all. Being tired also used to be one of my excuses for not sticking to my goals but again, lately I haven't let this deter me from meeting my goals. Good to see you on the same path.
     
  19. regrowth

    regrowth Fapstronaut

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    P.S. GREAT to see you here. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed your 'voice' until you showed up here and at my blog.
     
  20. New Focus

    New Focus Fapstronaut

    Thank you Don, but I should clarify...I have opened up to my wife and have given her the keys to my blog.I did this because I am now serious about not living porn any longer.

    I actually told my wife about this addiction 17 years ago. I think sometimes we tell our wives just to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

    I would continue to act our every week or 2.This ripped my wife apart until she just did not want to know how I am doing.

    I told her now because I am serious about quitting. If we are not serious, and I mean the "I cannot live this way anymore" serious, then telling our wives will not help.
     
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