New Fapstronaut here!

Hi everyone, I feel excited about this!
I am in my early 20's and I want to get rid of my addiction to soft core porn. I don't suffer from ED, nor am delighted at taboo and hope it never comes to that. But I am sure porn has made me suffer in ways I don't understand and can't even find people to relate with.
It was at a young age ( grade 6 perhaps) that I saw a few anime pictures that got me curious. I was so young, I wasn't even sure if it was bad to watch. I thought it was an adult thing and they never told me. (To laugh or to sigh lol). But of course, there was doubt. The inside of me was not at ease and that was sufficient proof. I can't even remember if I had a permanent habit or if it was an occasional thing. I can say there was an off and on going on.
I was from an even younger age familiar with M and O, without porn. So today, when I get an erection, the shape is tilted towards one direction from all that I have done with my hands.

What is my motivation? It's faith. I have deceived myself and only in recent months did I acknowledge an addiction existed. The absence of urges just made me go a time without thinking about it. It is now; that I have acknowledged the problem; am I putting things on pen and paper.

We all make mistakes and slip up. I don't despair, God is merciful, his blessings on me are abundant. It's just wrong to do this. What weak integrity I have. Again, I have been lying to myself. Well, at least, I know now.

I'm just thinking. It is rather a challenge. I managed to stay away for 2 months and 13 days without PMO. I relapsed recently. Although I did manage my 2 months abstinence target. The holy month of Ramadan made it easy. I could never sin in that month. I tried fasting recently when my urges started. 3 days of it. The fasts were hard. During the fast, it was out of the option to sin so I was safe in the morning. It was at night I was vulnerable and on the second I lost.

My A level performance was weakened by my cravings. I'm in uni now. I always complain of fatigue and spend all my time studying. I noticed math makes me anxious. Even if I'm doing well. My relations with people is low. I want this dependence to end. Much to say but perhaps another time.

 

Figuring myself out is the hardest thing to do. Significant thing was I had started having wet dreams without the use of my hands(meaning I use to M in sleep during wet dreams)
My mood improved. I stopped harming myself mentally and accepted to fight through trials. And now that I think of it, I now rationalize problems better. I stop thinking of worse scenarios. If there is a problem, I don't react to it, I take the smart mature approach.
I managed to shift my time table to be able to sleep at night and wake up early.
I got my anxiety at check.
No annoying erections that make public life hard lol


I'm not 100% sure on what triggered my relapse. I've been keeping a journal about failing and I will share it with you here:

Quit now. 2 may
27 may (PMOed)

(Some exposure before and near the 3rd that seemed too trivial to jot down, unfortunately)
peak 3rd August (P)
peak 7th August (p)
8th exposed through ads

8th August (PMOed)
intentionally peaked 9th August (P)
Game reference to Porn images
10th August (PMOed)

Right on the day of my calculus ll midterm, after giving a fantastic paper (scored 27.5 / 30) I decided I would not study and take a complete break from all types of work so as to relax (which now seems to be a bad choice; even though I was studying very little anyway.) I came home, took a nice hair cut and attended to my sister's nikkah (betrothal). At night, however, I had a peak as you can see(3rd Aug). The next day, we happened to go on a summer retreat to the cooler northern area of my country. Oh man, I had a fantastic time in these 2 days. I thank God for them. My sleep schedule was disturbed however and I was even annoyed by the noise of my companions late at night but like I said, I did not let problems bother me. I had no access to net since my phone has been off for weeks. I think very little suggestions occurred on the trip. It was one of those out of the options kind of thing. I came back and started the fasts since urges started coming to me. The rest is relapse.

 

@vxlccm ah!
If never even seen the movie. I read the classic version of the book thanks to the interests of good company.
I'm still reminded of the good book. This reminds me, I should re-read it, but this time I'll go with the abridged version.