New and scared

I went in to SA 20 years ago and most I had abstinent was 30 days. A lot of 14 days and 7 but the shame was too unbearable and ultimately I went back into denial. I got into a relationship 7 years ago with a narcissistic sdx addict I presume and it triggered a lot and I had to break it off after receiving too much abuse. Since I have deteriorated immensely to the point where I have Ed and depression and just broken. I am without a doubt an addict and have avoided reality and been in PTSD but doing better and hoping this program will free me from shame and give me hope. I really don't want to suffer anymore and I accept that I have harmed myself greatly. Best to you all.

 

I have put myself through a lot. I have no clue why I have made the poor choices but praying it has stopped and not going to do morbid reflection. Just feels good to have a few days clean. Anger came up today like a volcano over nothing major. Perceived threat to ego is all it was. Lol.

 

No TV, no internet after 9 pm, prayer, healthy diet, exercise, outdoor time for 30 minutes minimum. Don't buy a gun or pills to end it all.

 

I will utilize all of those tools and approach this with hopeful action and pray for the awareness and understanding that this is the disease that destroys from the soul out to the flesh without any sympathy or empathy or compassion from anyone other than one afflicted by such. Once pass the shame I see us as Spiritual Warriors who can save millions. That may sound grandiose but collectively if we unite we could shut down the porn industry. I need a new cause. Why not destroy that which destroys. God bless us all.

 

I hate corporate world and don't think I can last in this. Anyone have experience with this?

 

I think I need a new place to live and then maybe a new career.

 

The landlord moved a narcissistic alcoholic in without my permission and he works where I do and drinks with the guy that manages the team I'm on. It's a bit murky. I quit drinking 19 years ago.

 

I understand that. Thanks.

 

Day 7 and relatively smooth. Learning a new meditation technique and will use that at night instead of mo/pmo. May start doing work outs also later in evening. Still sad about what I've done to myself and scared of the potential damage but I can only move forward with hope and optimistic thought. If I knew better I would have done better.

 

Not sure where to find age group. Day 8 and flat line but I need to be where I am and I'm grateful for this site and everyone with the courage and strength to move away from the ashes.