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Never in my life have I felt so lonely - laying next to my wife in the bed I built

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ParvusSapentia, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. topjobmate

    topjobmate Fapstronaut

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    Hi - checkout Tim Ferriss' the 4 hour workweek. See if you can work from home. See if you can outsource. Working 10 - 14 hour days is not sustainable. This is not a good reality.

    I know what you mean I have a similar life, I am just a bit better off in that my wife is a bit more understanding (and she works). I also earn a similar amount but work 7.5 hours a day with a 5 min commute, I am truly lucky.

    I was thinking about you today in my run. I have not read all these posts, but I am concerned some are projecting their own frustration into your situation.

    1) They do not know your wife.
    2) Your wife's attraction may or may not be related to your PMO addiction. If you are feeling unconfident, depressed and stressed, it's reasonable she may be less attracted to you as you may be not projecting the best version of yourself. See the post about mirror neurons.
    2.1) Yes, she is probably overreacting. you are doing the right things. Have your manged to get counseling organized

    I guess what I am saying here, is this is the internet, take this advice with a grain of salt. This is serious shit, it's YOUR life, not theirs. I find it odd that some seem to project so harsh a view of your wife without knowing her or the circumstances of your relationship. some facts

    • You are doing the best you can to change your situation
    • You need to seek professional counseling as a matter of urgency
    • Dude - you are 72 fucking days in, you are inspiring the fuck out of me. I am lucky as hell, and shit scared to tell my wife the truth. Look at me go with my advice I am not applying it.
    • Clearly you are clever enough to not take shit ppl say on the internet as truth, but I hope you have reall ppl to talk to.

    I have not read all the posts so I may be missing the point. stay strong.
     
  2. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I've read all your story.
    Feel for you.

    Hope she would find the way to heal. I don't think she is/was overreacting in any ways, it was wierd way to cope with grave, sad feelings, damaged self-esteem.
    I hope you did not "fapped out" love from her heart and even you are in this situation for more than 3 month, that somehow there would be a fix to that.

    If you are saying she is giving you sarcastic comments about your PMO journey (which is really impressing, 70+ days, HOA!), she probably can not believe you and trust you.

    By the way, have you ever thought of little vacation together? Would she give it a try? No kids, just you two?
     
  3. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Topjobmarte, thanks for your post, and for thinking of me.

    you are completely correct in that not every bit of advice is good, however i still find value in every person who takes the time to leave comments. Even if it's just recognizing that someone's perspective isn't how I want to look at things!

    Couldn't agree more that the whole 14 hour day is no way to live, slowly getting into a place where work takes less time. I'm exploring a few options that may allow greater flexibility in the future...

    I am slowly working on being more attractive to my wife by trying to be calm and positive no matter how violent her emotions are.

    I've been in therapy for two months, helps to have an outlet, but I'm shopping for someone who is a bit more active, i want more than just a venting session.

    I finally found a couples counselor that my wife didn't object to, I'm hoping to get this going by the end of the month.

    I feel very fortunate that my reboot is going well... just to clarify it's 70+ days past porn, but reset around day 30 to focus on no PMO. Going strong mostly because I view failure as not an option.

    Shocked buddy- vacation is a good suggestion but she won't even go out to dinner, but I'll keep trying!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    I really appreciate and commend you on this and your ability to just listen to opinions and take the positive that you can, regardless of what the message is, that's so much growth. And tbh, Ive seen some post here that was rather angry, negative, disrespectful and as hard as it is was not to respond, I respectfully didn't as to not make your time here and your page a clown show, as well as the fact that some people who haven't put in even a few days to recovery have come here to vent their anger at others because they are still in their own denial and fog (misery loves company). It also would be hurtful, maybe even damaging to knock someone down while he's still in his fog.
    I was wondering if you reread some of your postings? Did you realize how they vary from time to time? I just wanted you to recognize that thats how recovery process is like, the ups and downs and when your in the moment of a down it may seem hopeless but hopefully you can recognize it's just that moment and not dwell on it because things do change, i'm sure for her too based on her behavior, so there is hope. For instance, you one day posted your wife said she wanted to stay married for kids till they graduate, then few days later she said she wanted to fix the house and divorce, then another day you said shes not the type to go or therapy or help but recently she has agreed to it. Then there was the day that she said she never wanted to be touched by you again but came home the next day to hug you and,say she's not ready to give up. My point i guess is that I hope you stay hopeful and know that the ups and downs are something that is part of recovery. So many SO's have shared this in their postings. The fact that at times they feel such hatred and anger and wanting to give up and then other days they want to forgive and forget because their partner is their bestcfroed and their love, but its hard because it is such personal betrayed and they are afraid to be hurt again. The one thing most look for is consistency in their partners behavior, because during the past addictive stages there was none and only lies. You sound very consistent and committed with your desire to fix your issues and wait, for now, for her to fix hers. Your postings as days pass have become more consistent in expression, I'm not sure of you understand what I mean, but if I were your SO I would be happy to know that you are showing alot of commitment. Maybe in couples therapy these things can be brought to light. I'm happy you atleast got a apt scheduled and trying to take the next step, thats 2 steps forward definitely.
     
    ParvusSapentia likes this.
  5. thatoneguy123

    thatoneguy123 Fapstronaut

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    explain to her that you don't think the woman in Porn are more attractive than she is. Tell her your addicted to porn and not actual woman you see in porn.
     
    ParvusSapentia likes this.
  6. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the suggestion... while that is the truth, my explanations fall on deaf ears at this point.

    Time will tell.
     
  7. topjobmate

    topjobmate Fapstronaut

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    Awesome - the sooner you both get into therapy, the better. It's awesome you are doing it on your own, however I feel that she needs to be a part of that journey.

    I also agree 100% that you should try get away with her, or even just do a date night without the kids. Is there anyone around who can look after them one evening? Family / close friends?
     
    Hanging by a thread likes this.
  8. thatoneguy123

    thatoneguy123 Fapstronaut

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    Also ask her what habits she notices about you. Maybe you are doing wrong things without noticing
     
    Hanging by a thread likes this.
  9. topjobmate

    topjobmate Fapstronaut

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    Good approach. Also have you tried this?

    Just ask her about her, alot. Keep talking about her for a while, keep the focus on how she is doing, her family etc. Ppl love to talk about themselves. Just see how it goes, show some genuine interest. Resist the urge to complain about your day.

    Also take the kids out on your own, give her some space and some time. Offer to give her a no strings attached massage.

    I mean if she is actually being unresponsive etc this all may make no sense as its how of context, but adjust.

    Question - if you say to her, "babe, want to watch a movie on the we after the kids got to bed?" What will she say? Replace movie with anything you guys used to do together.
     
  10. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Gents thanks for the suggestions those may work once the dust has settled a bit. I've tried repeatedly to get her to go out with me, my dad watches the kids on Friday nights... she keeps making other plans, and has flat out said she doesn't want to be around me. OR talk to me, but that's probably because any conversation often ends with her saying something horrible to me.

    I'm trying to just give her space and be supportive of her efforts to do her own thing... I've found if I let things go unspoken for a few days things start to thaw a bit, but still absolutely no touching.

    Rebooting has made me a bit of a crazy emotional person, but as time passes the swings are growing less extreme.

    I just have to let her do her own thing, I'm ready to apologize and double down my commitment if and when she's ready to hear it. I still wear my wedding ring, and am clinging onto hope... but I am also no dope and half ready for things to go south. If she really doesn't love me and expects us to stay married while we date other people, well I can't live that way long term... all I can do is just focusing on today. Already worked all day but headed for my 2 hours of gym time before sleep.

    Thanks for all the folks who are rooting for me, can't tell you how encouraging it is to know I'm not alone in this fight!

    Think today marks 75 days without porn, 45 PMO free! Rest of my life ahead.
     
  11. topjobmate

    topjobmate Fapstronaut

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    Oh - ok.

    You need to go to counseling

    Is she seeing other ppl? I am sorry I have not read whole thread.
     
  12. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Yes finally found a therapist that she didn't object to, we're going last week of month.

    As to seeing others I found subscriptions to three dating sites and several apps on our credit card statement!! When I challenged her she denied seeing anyone but wasn't embarrassed and didn't feel bad because she's already told me to find someone else... but she is so shady with her phone that I just have no idea what to believe.

    She wants to stay married and live separate lives and see other people. I've decided that this is not the life I'm willing to lead. If she is committed to making things work I'll wait years for her to heal and restore the trust and intimacy my porn use broke... but if not I will not live some twisted half marriage and raise kids while she's out sleeping around. She may view porn as cheating and I get that for the first time but I am a loyal and loving husband, and will not cheat even if she is.

    My goal for therapy is to work together restore intimacy and full marriage... and if not to get her to see that if she isn't willing to do that it is time to go our separate ways.

    The kids would be better off splitting time between two single parents than growing up around two parents that sleep in the same bed but don't have love.

    Yes I have used porn to bury my pain, and have hurt my wife but I deserve love and won't settle for less.
     
    Clerk373, Bokuto and nelloJ like this.
  13. Ommni

    Ommni Fapstronaut

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    I know this kind of conversation turns into an arguing very fast but have you tried to explain to her in a rational way how insane these ideas looks like?

    In her head you are a monster and she wants to find someone better, but does she really thinks that a decent man is willing to have a relationship with a woman who wants to stay married to another man for the next 10 years?

    In the end she will trade a PMO addicted who is recovering with another PMO addicted who doesn’t even know it’s a problem.

    Also, does she thought about what she will say to your children when they start to ask why their friends parents are always together and theirs don’t? Or why she spends more time with this “friend” than with their father?

    And if she find someone decent who accept this situation, does she thinks it will be fair to this guy? The truth is she will be only using this person to feed her own needs.

    It seems to me that she still thinking based on her feelings and maybe she can’t see the consequences of that in the future. I hope you can make her see it will hurt everyone around her. You, your children, those other man, and specially herself.

    I really admire your commitment to your wife. You are trying to fix your mistakes and you don’t give up on her despite the way she treats you. Your wife is really luck to have you, it’s sad she can’t see that.
     
    Clerk373 and nelloJ like this.
  14. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support, it's encouraging that others feel that my head is in the right place - which is new ground for me!

    I do think she is still hurting and doesn't trust me. If I had taken this seriously instead of thinking it was no big deal the first time she caught me I think it would be different. From her emotional perspective I've been lying to her for 15 years.

    I think she is getting some bad advice from her best friend, who has a platonic relationship with her husband and they've been living that way for the past decade ... but he had multiple affairs and visited prostitutes... me google searching for dirty pics is not something i'm proud of and not OK but not remotely on the same scale!!!

    It's a long game. I'll love her until my last breath but at a certain point I will force the issue if she can't... the kids have already made comments for the past year or two, we never do stuff as a family, ever. I'm not done yet but both of us have to face this in order to move forward into a happy life.
     
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  15. Zapster21

    Zapster21 Fapstronaut

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    I feel with you! However, my telling her about your addiction you did the right thing. That she was soooo careless to just blame you for everything speaks a volume about the person you are with. She doesn't want to talk to you about the trouble you have between you, which is a huge red flag to me.

    If I was you I would approach her, and schedule a time for you to talk about your problems. Then give space to each other to let your feelings out. Nothing is worse to a relationship than suppressing your feelings. If she doesn't want to then tell her that it's necessary for you, and you don't feel that you can live in a relationship that includes no emotional bond between you.

    I talk to my girlfriend daily about my feelings. We have an unspoken agreement on sharing our thoughts with each other every day. If she thinks I'm doing something hurtful she tells me, and me likewise. Even when I told her of my PMO problem and my gambling addiction, she was supportive of my recovery.

    So start communicating with her. Don't accept weeks to go by without talking to her. She will never heal from using that approach. It seems like you have nothing to lose right now by doing it.
     
    Clerk373 likes this.
  16. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    How about kids? She is the mother of his beloved kids.

    For her huge red flag is that actually for some time she was living in a lie.
    So, um, I can understand why she is not so into talking.
    Don't blame the woman, she's been hurt too. Especially her.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2017
  17. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    @ParvusSapentia, keep going.
    Everything would be alright. You are doing great. Give good vibes to wife, she would heal. Don't overthink everything. Keep saying that you love her, your family and your kids and that they are the #1 for you.
    She needs more time.
    I hope the therapist would work well and she would heal.
     
  18. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. She is not to blame for my problems, didn't cause them. I will say that our marriage falling apart is about way more than porn, and that is not entirely my fault. The fact is she has neglected herself and me and our relationship for a decade. I was in my fog so didn't see it because i was avoiding pain.

    She stayed out again all night last night, wondering when she is coming home bc I have to leave for work in an hour... And I found tinder installed on her old phone which she gave my 7 year old.

    I am done with PMO. It isn't going to fix my problems. I don't know that there is much left to save with much wife. I'm still trying to move towards her but last time I told her i still love her she said "well that just means your stupid".

    I don't see a way through this. Marital therapist in a few weeks, can hope but honestly that's starting to feel like delusion.
     
  19. ParvusSapentia

    ParvusSapentia Fapstronaut

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    Shockedbuddy thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm really trying to hang onto hope. I know what I want and some of what I need to do to get it.

    Today is another day. Committed to recovery and leaving porn behind for good.
     
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  20. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Well actually if you were in a brain fog you might haven't seen a lot of things. Neglect, avoiding intimacy, some anger, being isolated <= all of that you might done to your relationships without even understanding what exactly you are doing. But I might be mistaken, cause all relationships and all the marriages are different. You know how Russian writer Leo Tolstoy started his Anna Karenina?
    "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".

    Keep yourself out of overthinking and analysing. Make plan for each day what to do and how to fulfill yourself. Meditate.
    Just keep going to this date, no matter what.
     
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