Something I'm going to discuss on here that I rarely do with anyone, as it's not a very comfortable subject. I'm in my late 30s and have never had sex, been in an intimate relationship, i.e. no girlfriend, never even been out on a date in my life. These lack of experiences are not things that I'm proud of, but a result in having extremely low self-esteem throughout my life. In my teens, I began to "notice girls," see them through different eyes. They were cool, mysterious creatures that I didn't have any clue about. However due to being soooo shy and self-conscious, I didn't DARE ask anyone out I ever liked, for fear of rejection. But there was also something else as well: fear of what others thought. Let me elaborate: still remember when I began getting teased about liking girls. It came from my great uncle on my dad's side of the family. He told me that "girls were the best thing around!" Of course, it was easy for him and everyone else on that side, as I'm from a family of womanizers who also had girlfriends while they were married. Wasn't long after that, many others began teasing me and I absolutely HATED it. As someone who already felt very unattractive, with the mentality "no one would ever go out with me" defeatist thoughts, this only pushed me into my shell even further. I turned down every single girl that ever asked me out. Granted, most of these were ladies that I had no interest in, but I still could have got to know a few, just to see what dating was like. In 8th grade, one of the most beautiful girls in my class asked me out, and I made the HUGE mistake of telling her no as well. My reason: once my family found out there was a girl at school who liked me, and began telling others, the teasing became unbearable. I was so angry, arrogant & stubborn, I turned her down just to prove many others wrong. I succeeded in that regards, and hurt her feelings very much at that time. Now skip forward to high school. There was an entire new crop of young ladies to check out. However, my problems followed me into this new world as well. After 10th grade I realized that my situation just wasn't getting any better. I was finally losing the fear of talking to a girl, approaching them, flirting mentality, but FORGET about asking someone out, due to the rejection & fear of what others think factors. After this, I did my very best to throw myself into everything else in life: focused hard on my school work, became a news junkie, followed professional sports with a passion, the world of business. I never dare asked someone to homecoming or the prom, although I would have given anything to have gone to a prom. Once again, felled by the rejection fears. Graduated high school and took a couple of years off before going off to college. At that time, I worked for a local hospital's dietary department. Most people were okay, but there were definitely a few characters. The worse was a supervisor who was the department's Mr. Macho Man with all his colorful jokes, pokes & jabs. Most of my college as done at a branch campus, co-ed and many young ladies. That supervisor was HORRIBLE to work with those first couple years of college. "How you're doing with the girls?" "What types of women go there?" Practicing your pickup lines?" Relentless and he would not quit, no matter how much I told him that I was not asking anyone out. After a few years, he finally gave up realizing it was a lost cause. Ended up finishing college on my school's main campus. Talk about TONS of women and being away from home for the first time. It was also one of the top party schools in the nation. Alas, my social anxiety, self-consciousness, fear of rejection and other issues I was dealing with in my life gave me no chance there either. I got my degree and graduated college without ever having been out on a date or having a girlfriend either. Fast forward now to the present day. Pretty much all of my former "girl teasers" gave up a long time ago. I've heard some mean comments over the years, such as when my soon-to-be stepfather jumped all over me with the jab "You want to be a bachelor you're entire life fine, go be one all by yourself." A comment that hurt as much as getting punched in the face. Today, I live alone. No girlfriend, fiancé, wife, not someone I live with as more couples are doing. In the real world it feels there is absolutely NO ONE single left. Every woman I come across falls into 3 categories: married, engaged, in a relationship. Even when I occasionally meet someone single, I still am unable to make a move. My shyness is gone and I can talk to everyone, even begin conversations with random strangers when I am out, but still terrified of rejection. The solitude can be nice at times. Sure, my life's my own, don't have to check in with anyone, can eat what I feel like, go where I want, choose to watch what I want on Netflix without getting into a "stream fight." But I get lonely an awful lot. And it's hard to see so many of my former classmates and those I used to work with at a young age now married with families of their own. Not to mention how guilty I feel that my mother does not and likely never will have any grandchildren, which is 50% my fault, as my sister does not want kids. All of these issues above and lack of experiences are what ultimately led me to porn. Years ago I got the Internet hooked up, unfiltered, realized I was just a bachelor so I wouldn't be hurting anyone else anyways, and this virgin in his early 30s began his deep descent into pornography. It was curiosity at first, then more and more habit forming and finally a full-blown addiction. It took me almost 5 years to see how much damage I was doing to myself, which was just as bad as doing this to a girlfriend or wife and as my tracker shows, I am now on the path out of this. Pornography is not any type of solution at all, it's a bunch of pixel's on our screen of sculpted hot bodies doing things that we're dreaming about and giving us all a very unhealthy view of sex in which women are only treated as objects to give into our desires on a whim and not to get to know as human beings, which they definitely are. Didn't post this as I'm looking for sympathy or to spread my misery around. It just helps to get all these thoughts off my chest. Sure wish now I had had the wisdom to look ahead years ago realizing I was setting myself up for an entire lifetime of loneliness and would miss so many experiences. I have serious doubts my low-self confidence when it comes to women will ever be solved, but I still want to get over this HORRIBLE addiction. It only takes, never gives and robs us men of reaching our full potential we have inside.