Never been able to orgasm during sex.

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Lilithsgarden, Dec 20, 2018.

  1. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    hey girls and guys! I’m 23 and have been using PMO since around the age of 14-15. I was never a super addict using multiple times a day on hours end. But I believe my brain is dependent on using porn to get aroused or even come to orgasm. I was in a relationship with a male for 4 years. Never orgasmed or came close. I could make myself orgasm in an instant with porn. I am bisexual and have been with males and females and sex is becoming less and less enjoyable. I’d rather just masturbuate. It sucks because I want to be able to emotionally and sexually connect with someone. So I’m starting my reboot today. My bf and I just broke up about a week ago. I could never reboot In the past because I felt obligated to have sex with him to “keep him happy” in our relationship. Now that it’s over I’m ready to quit and focus on myself. When I tried to quit while we were together I couldn’t keep it up because I would flatline and have no libido at all which caused tension in our relationship. I’m excited to quit whether it takes months or even a year. I want to restart my brain and have a better sex life. I’m also atheist so I dont see masturbuation or porn to be “wrong” I just want to be able to enjoy sex like a normal person. Anywho I’m happy to start this journey and keep you guys updated.
     
    DarkClaw89 likes this.
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Well young lady, welcome aboard. If you think about it, you've pretty much used masturbation your entire sex life. You trained your brain to respond to it like repetition learning anything in school.

    Having broken up with your boyfriend is perhaps a good thing for the both of you. And your idea to utilize that time to address this, is a great one. The fact you are atheist makes no difference. I'm quite certain there are numerous individuals here who have moral objections, but by and large, most people just simply, like yourself, want to eradicate this scourge from their life. It's a brain disease.

    So for now, I would encourage you to just take it one day at a time. Get up every day, look yourself in the mirror, and say "Just for today, I am going to remain free and clear of PMO". And then tomorrow, you get up and do the same thing. And you do this day after day after day. If you fail at on say day 9, that's your bar. Set your bar for 9 days because you know you can make it for at least 9 days. Then if you are successful making it 9 days, double it to 18. And if you only make it to 15, set your bar to 15 because you know you can make it to 15. And this is the recipe to achieving your goal. It's a long tedious process, but it is a process that leads you right into remission. Because you will have failures along the way. But most things worthwhile have failures along the way. You just have to have the resolve to go the distance. Don't get discouraged. If you fall off that horse, dust yourself off, and climb back onto the saddle, and ride it again. One day, you'll wake up and say "OMG, I made it a full year". Approximately 90 days is the turning point which is why it is so coveted here and in the field. Good recovery occurs at approximately a year and real recovery occurs about 3 years +/- a year. Because once you reach this point? You have to deliberately sabotage your recovery. That is also why, you are never cured. The only way you would be cured would be if you could completely erase it in your brain. But you can't. You can only overwrite it with good behaviors to make new neural pathways in your brain.

    Anyway, that's a lot to consume in such a short paragraph. If you have any questions, please reach out. There are always people here ready, willing, and able to help you. I wish you all the very best on your journey.
     
  3. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Lilithsgarden

    Great to see you having the courage and conviction to seek after physical intimacy in your relationships.

    I am a 42 year old married man of 9 years. We have a good marriage and I have been doing NoFap for almost a month now. PMO rarely lowered my sex-drive, but it did create times of MIED (masturbation induced ED). I would masturbate several times a day because I knew my wife's sex drive was alot lower than mine.

    Take it from experience, you do NOT want to bring PMO into future relationships. While many say that M helps you learn about what you like, how much M is needed to TRULY figure that out. If it is only about M, why do we so easily accompany it with P?

    For me I had to face the realization, that it was all a coping mechanism than anything else. Stress.....fap, Anger....fap, Horny and wife not putting out.......fap, feelings coming back again......fap some more.

    Oh and I have been using PMO since the age of 9. My parents had a satellite dish where we found XXX porn channels. So I can completely understand what it's like to watch porn every day at a young age.

    The intensity of those 1st experiences, become ghosts that we chase. And as we delve deeper into PMO it heightens our minds with fantasies stimuli that are ridiculous in real life. But because we are alone and performing it on ourselves, you have taught your body FOR YEARS how to respond.

    So I completely empathize with you on how you feel not being able to orgasm. It makes the whole act of sex with your partner laborious. And unlike PM it's not about doing it whenever you want but the 2 people actually BOTH wanting it together. My wife did PMO also before we got married, and so we both have had to rediscover what GOOD SEX is. You don't need PMO for that. What you need is safety, openness, security, understanding, and connection.

    So when you are with an actual person, you got to throw alot of that stuff you learned earlier out the window and re-learn about your partner and yourself sexually in the context of that relationship.

    I have to admit my sexual relationship with my wife has DRASTICALLY improved since doing committed NoFap and talking about my triggers and stressors with her.

    So don't be like me and wait. Go after it now. Set yourself up with some good goals. Hang out on the forums. Get encouragement and support.

    Dive into reset and reboot......take the time to document and reflect on you urges and how it makes you feel. You will find you have alot more to discover about yourself.

    Hope to hear good things about your journey.
     
    Lilithsgarden and DarkClaw89 like this.
  4. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys day 3 update... I have thoughts about porn I’ve viewed in the past but I quickly dismiss them. I hung out with a girl I really like yesterday and we made out and got really touchy feely. I got super aroused which has happened to me in a while without porn. Since that encounter I’ve been thinking about sex a lot but I will not cave in. I feel accomplished even though it’s only been 3 days. I can’t wait to see how much this effects me in the future.
     
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Hang on. It's going to be a tough ride.
     
  6. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Lilithsgarden

    Glad to hear your post.

    I would recommend that you be VERY CAREFUL moving so fast in terms of sexual expression with others.

    Making out and getting "touchy feely" is going to make this alot more difficult. If you are not committed enough to this person to have sex and get to an O, then this may be counter-productive for you.

    Again this journey is hard enough trying to reign ourselves in....... and gain control. But when you add in other people it becomes more complex.

    Remember as you withdraw from PMO there is going to be withdrawal and high desire. So you think this level of physicality so soon as you start is going to aid you in this.

    Hope you take this the wrong way....I want you to be successful on your journey. Keep pushing forward.
     
  7. Evocation

    Evocation Fapstronaut

    @Lilithsgarden

    Problems with having an orgasm from sex are quite common - even for People who don't face issues with PMO (it seems to be more common with women though). When it Comes to sex between m/f many women have issues with too Little Stimulation being provided to the clitoris. But given that you mentioned being with other women too, I guess it's not the sole issue. Another Thing to think About would be wether or not you're able to really relax during sex or if you might start worrying About not being able to reach orgasm - again (something that at least I as a guy had to deal with).

    Edit: Abstaining from PMO should be helpful regardless. If your taste in porn has started to escalate already you might find what's actually Happening boring by comparison and that could lead to issues. Also frequent Masturbation can numb you in a physical sense too which should recover when abstaining for a time.

    Anyway - best of luck on your way and that you'll be able to enjoy sex with a Partner again.
     
    Lilithsgarden likes this.
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    What? I mean, what?
     
  9. Evocation

    Evocation Fapstronaut

    Whoa - sry, seems to have been a freudian slip on my part. Was meant to say: Abstaining from PMO - corrected now.
     
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Better. Thank you!
     
  11. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the advice but I feel quite opposite. Lately i haven’t been feeling sexual attraction to people/ haven’t been craving sex at all just PMO. So the fact that I was able to become aroused from intimacy is a huge step for me. For the past couple of months I don’t get horny at all expect for maybe when I’m ovulating and even then I just crave PMO. Quick and easy orgasm, not the intimacy of touching and kissing another person. The fact that I feel sexually charged again just from kissing is wonderful to me, I also feel like it’s helped me through this flatline I’ve been going through for months. But I understand what you are saying completely. Idk I think it’s a good step for my body. I do not plan on having sex with this person or anyone else anytime soon. It was playful and in the moment. I’ve been fighting all urges to PMO which is what I’m focused on
     
  12. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    Update: my period started aka I’m going to want to masturbuate more than ever this week. I will stay strong!!!
     
  13. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Lilithsgarden

    No offense taken. We are ALL hear to be the best version of ourselves, and it is my desire that you NOT fall back into PMO.

    As for your upcoming time of the month...... all I can say is be strong and mindful of your thoughts.

    Be curious to hear you journal what you are feeling as you go through this.

    Also how many days do you have under your belt for PMO now?
     
    Lilithsgarden likes this.
  14. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys! Day 16 with no PMO. But I did have sex twice, once with a woman and the other with my ex bf lol. So I cheated just a little but at least I have not masturbuated or used porn. Both times I was drunk and horny but still not orgasm. I really don’t expect to come to an orgasm during sex for a long time because it’s gonna take a while for my brain to reset. Either way I’m proud of myself for making it this far without PMO. I have been having weird sex dreams and dreams about PMO lol. I guess it’s going through withdrawals. I’m really horny today and I think it’s becuase I’m coming into ovulation. I will continue to stay strong! Thanks for the support and kind words.
     
  15. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    What is your current goal?

    What plans do you have to make sure you don't get drunk again?
     
  16. Lilithsgarden

    Lilithsgarden Fapstronaut

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    I think I wanna change my rules a little. I don’t want to punish myself if I find someone I’m really attracted to and want to have sex with. My main goal is to stop PMOing. I want to continue having sex esp with women. I don’t have sex often, once MAYBE twice a month if I’m lucky. I think it will be a good way to see where I’m at/ give me a push through my flatline. And a reminder why I’m doing this. To be able to fully enjoy sex. As long as I’m not using PMO I’m proud of myself. I am indeed trying to cut down on drinking cause I’m gaining a lil weight though LOL
     

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