Need to Untie My Tongue

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by muterabbit, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

    So here I am in my early 30s, desperately trying to get caught up on all the social development that didn’t happen in my youth. I was shy all that time, and nobody really took me under their wing; not my dad, not my older brothers...nobody. Everybody just thought “he’s quiet” and left it at that. I know it’s possible for a shy guy to become outgoing, because I saw my friend transformed by a youth program his mom put him in for a year, and I’ve met several outgoing people who have told me that they’re either shy by nature or used to be shy.

    For all this time that I’ve been shy, I’ve somehow coasted by being largely passive. I’ll talk to people if they engage me first, but I hardly ever start conversations, which I think needs to change. I’m also not particularly good at keeping conversations going. My problem is that I try to think of something to say but draw a blank. That exact thing happened the morning after my one ex slept with me. I was sitting by her on my porch, just enjoying her presence as she had a cigarette. She kept asking me what was on my mind because she thought I looked like I had something on my mind, but I kept telling her my mind was a blank, other than just enjoying being with her.

    I feel invisible and powerless, and I feel like it has to stop if I’m ever going to meet another lady. It was a fluke that I wound up with my ex at all, because she approached me. That almost never happens, and the odds of it happening again are slim to none.
    88991s and PSC94 like this.
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    In that situation you could have talked about cigarettes, porches, your desire to be better at socializing, the sex you two had last night, and expanding on why you enjoy being with her.

    Talk about what's going on with her, what's going on with you, what's going on with the interaction between you two, and your environment.

    Talk about what you want to talk about. Be curious and interested about her and life in general.

    Shy people tend to protect themselves and conserve energy. Rather than share and be vulnerable.

    Start talking to most people that you come across throughout your day. Practice sharing and being open.
    muterabbit and Dunmer54 like this.
  3. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

    Boy, I wish I could’ve talked to you before that night. Better yet, I wish I could’ve met you way back when I was a kid. This is good quality advice, and I really appreciate it. Thank you.
  4. Rusty the Horse

    Rusty the Horse Fapstronaut

    I love Jerry Seinfeld. He has a bit about “what are men thinking” . It goes something like, ‘women do you want to know what men are thinking? - nothin!’ It is ok to be thinking about nothing when that question is asked. What they are really asking is - How are you? It’s a conversation starter. And if you really have something on your mind that builds a healthy relationship, be honest. But it can be a big trap too. You will never know until you take a chance and answer it a few times. But someone trying to intentionally trap you should be given the heave ho!
    muterabbit likes this.
  5. PSC94

    PSC94 Fapstronaut

    I relate to the struggle OP.

    Can’t say I’ve been in very many social situations at the moment, since I’ve kind of been getting off the mat from a major depressive spell, but ive been working on myself. This includes eating better, doing a lot of reading and obviously participating in NoFap, to just name a couple of things. Lost about ten pounds in two months, which is something I’m really happy about. I’m striving to meet my own personal needs in order to gain some much needed self confidence.

    Again, I haven’t really been in any situations where I can tell you if it works or not, but this is my strategy anyway.

    Good luck! :)
    muterabbit likes this.
  6. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on your weight loss and thank you for your support. I’ve been doing strength training lately, partly to improve my posture, but mainly to look better for the ladies. Also trying to eat better, which is harder for me to do. I’ve heard that exercise helps improve your mood, and I feel like that’s pretty much true in my experience. Renovating the inside too by taking in as much information as I can about socializing and getting out of my comfort zone. Trying to laugh and smile more to loosen up. I feel like I’m doing a lot of juggling, but the madness of it kind of makes me feel alive because I feel more engaged.
    PSC94 likes this.
  7. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut

    I find that men have been left far behind on developing as a male in response to modernity. Indeed, we do love stoicism, the quiet, the distance even. But many times these have been maladaptive, ignoring a pool of feelings beneath it all, unable to cope we do find strength in the silence. I was always talked about as a quiet person growing up as well. I think its going to be hard but looking past that blank slate to find out what youre feeling and what you really believe in, essentially working out what it means to be you. That can help one have a foundation an ability to be yourself in those moments sitting on the porch and really connect to those moments, and you dont have to lose yourself to do it.
  8. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

    I haven’t done a lot of in-depth thinking about who I am, but I don’t believe that one’s identity is static. There may be a handful of things that never really change about someone, but the people they meet and the experiences they have continually shape who they are. I don’t feel like I’d be losing myself by becoming more social, just redifining who I am. These forums are filled with people seeking to redefine who they are, by abstaining from porn, or masturbation, or orgasm, or any combination thereof.

    Being quiet hasn’t really gotten me far socially. I’ve got one friend from high school still living near me, and our friendship seems to be hanging by a thread. I’ve got a couple of friends at work, but we don’t do much outside of work. I work alongside my one and only ex, who was with me far too briefly and didn’t come along until I reached the age of 32, and now she bounces back and forth between being warm and frosty towards me. Basically my love life in non-existent and my social life is damn near non-existent. Silence just isn’t sustainable for me.
  9. lamstronger

    lamstronger Fapstronaut

    I used to be shy or still am, but a lot less now.
    What helped was being with good people. I started to volunteer, which meant a lot of socialising, that's where i met those awesome people btw. Being on nofap helps too as you detox your brain from all the shit porn we see and it liberates us in a way.
    muterabbit likes this.
  10. Lonewolfpt

    Lonewolfpt Fapstronaut

    If you want someone to talk to i am here. I definetly been trhough the same problems as you. It would be nice to talk to someone
    muterabbit likes this.
  11. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

    Trying to practice starting conversations and using open-ended questions. My socializing is improving, but I still kind of hit that wall where I run out of things to say. I’m listening for topics, but sometimes I just blank.

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