Need to spill my guts

This is the first time I've posted in the loneliness section, if you knew me you would never think I was lonely but I am. I have more friends than almost anyone I know, attention from attractive girls, I play in a band.. but I'm fucking lonely. I think I need to tell my whole story so that maybe I can get a load off of my chest so this will probably be long. When I was very little I was at a park with my school and there was this tunnel on the playground that you could climb through that had holes all along the side of it, there were a couple of girls that went in there to relax and lie down and they put their barefeet through the holes and someone came up and started tickling them. I was totally fixated and the memory stuck with me forever. I developed a strong fetish for tickling from that point on. When I was little I would always give foot rubs to women in the family and their friends and would fantasize about tickling them and it became an obsession. Somewhere along the line when I was very young I looked up tickling on the internet and found a huge amount of content that was arousing to me. I was always secretive about it and knew I was different in some way and that this was weird and unacceptable. I remember one time my mother said she found something about tickling on the computer after I was on it and that I shouldn't look at it because it was weird, with a face of disgust. I never had sexual thoughts growing up and sexuality confused me. Anytime people would talk about it I would ignore it and think it wasn't for me, even though I've always had strong crushes on girls and desire for intimacy. I never knew how crucial sex was to people and relationships. Fast forward to 17 when I had my first girlfriend who I never had sex with, I never thought about sex and was very confused as to why someone told me that part of the reason she broke it off with me was because I never tried to have sex with her. This pattern continued for years without me ever allowing myself to realize how important sex was, I would get involved with absolutely stunning girls somehow but never have sex. My second girlfriend was a virgin and went to give me a handjob and had to death grip me to get me off while I closed my eyes and thought of tickling. Then at 19 or 20 I wound up taking the hottest girl in my neighborhood on a date and after decided I would try to lose my virginity, I had no idea what I was doing and basically grinded her completely soft for a half hr before cumming on her. She looked extremely disappointed but tried not to show it and asked to be taken home. About a year later I wound up getting back with my 2nd girlfriend and we attempted to have sex twice but I couldn't get it up. It took until I was 23 to discover what pied was and that that was most likely my issue. Still in all this time I never had a real drive for sex, just my damn fetish. I wanted to be able to have sex so that I could have a relationship not for the sex itself. I haven't pmo'd since and that was just over 8 months ago. Early into the reboot I stumbled across a does size matter video and fell into a deep depression, I felt like even if I overcame pmo and pied I still wouldn't be able to have a relationship because I am below average. This ate away at me and today after months of not giving a fuck I spent my whole day off researching my size and watching does size matter videos and crying. There's an absolutely perfect girl in my life right now that I met from her approaching me. She's older than me, hot, successful, talented, everything. She invited me to a concert a few months ago and made a move on me, we were dancing and I got an erection. The only one in my life ever to a girl that happened naturally. This was a huge sign of hope for me and we've been talking for three months but we haven't even kissed again, I've been pushing her away for fear of pied and especially my size. I just feel like nobody would accept me how I am and I don't know how to get over it. I feel like one failure or rejection would literally kill me. I've been away from pmo for 8 months and drugs too for the most part. I've been guarding myself my whole life and don't know how to stop or if I even want to. I feel extremely lonely and want to be normal. I just want a normal dick and a normal desire for sex. I think the fact that I've never had a real desire for sex and being below average in size makes it feel impossible. I want to be in love and feel like it's reciprocated but I don't see how it's possible. My anxiety about size is not linked to porn since I never watched porn with naked guys in it anyway. I don't know what to do I just had to vent all of this. It's kinda my life story that I've been hiding forever.

 

I'm extremely depressed, more so by the day.. I can't get this size issue out of my head. I've spent the last two days compulsively researching it and crying. I stopped going to the gym and going out. I can't think straight and was late for work. I'm more concerned over my size than my pied. I don't know why it doesn't even make sense. I think I'm in love and I can't even talk to her because of this. My mind is going to dark places, I need help I'm starting to hate myself so much.

 

Funny thing is I am good looking talented and charismatic. The girl I'm talking about has been my friend for two years. I'm just so confused and depressed between pied and my size.. I'm 8 months without pmo but can't fathom being sexual. I hate it. I want to be normal. Last night I had a porn dream and woke up in the middle of the night with morning wood, I measured it and had a panic attack. I had to take two valerian root capsules two Advil pm, Kratom and a melatonin/tryptophan drink to get back to sleep. I've been crying all day. I don't know what to do. Today I tried to get an erection from sensation and failed so I didn't force it. I'm losing it, if I was normal sexually I would be the happiest man on earth. My life is literally perfect outside of this aspect yet this aspect is bringing me so low I can no longer enjoy or focus on the good parts of my life. I've been off hard pills since December but I think I'm getting some tonight to help me out

 

I'm like 4.5 long and not much girth, plus I have some severe pied. No I don't give her foot massages I don't do anything with her. I'm like afraid to be alone with her. I'm really surprised she went after me for as long as she did but I'm getting the feeling it's ending now probably because I've pushed her away due to my own insecurities. I'm an attractive guy who's outgoing and talented, I don't think I'm exactly what she's expecting in the sexual department.

 

Because it's so foreign to me, all of my sexual fantasies have been completely void of actual sex and genitals. I fucking loathe my body and my mind when it comes to sex. I just want a loving relationship and it's been standing right in front of me for months and I can't have it at this point.. maybe never idk.

 

What do you think of that size do I need to go to those measures?

 

I really don't wanna whine and say I have it worse than anyone out there but I can't help but feel like I've been dealt a Fucking shitty hand. Everyone in my family is over 6 foot and I'm 5'7, I was 100 lbs overweight and then I got in great shape and now get slot of girls interested in me yet I've never been interested in sex, have a tickling fetish since I was a kid, a below average dick and grew up on high speed internet fetish porn.. and now I can't even get my puny dick up after 8 months and the girl of my dreams made a move on me. I feel I have no choice but to push her away while I'm dealing with this but I don't even know where to begin dealing with this. Fml sorry had to rant I know it could be worse

 

Found out I've been measuring wrong this whole time and that the method I was using could have been adding up to an inch in length and that would be 3.5-4 inches. And I can't get hard.. I'm starting to get really negative thoughts, I don't want to use the word but I think you know what I'm thinking about. I'm scared and depressed, going to the bathroom to cry at work

 

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot. It all comes down to this inadequate feeling over my size being a good bit below average. I think that I've dealt with a lot of things very well, my fetish, pied, addictions, overcoming social anxiety.. just not this, I feel hopeless because everything else can be worked on and I get enthusiastic about doing so. It's only after realizing that my size was small that these things started to seem like they weren't worth the effort when at the end of it I still will be below average. I feel almost like I'd be cheating someone out of a proper sex life if they were to get with me. Also I could take the rejection from the pied or the fetish but not that. I feel it would kill me. I feel like for how confident and talented I am people fall for me over that and expect that I am good in bed or at least have more to offer. I don't take rejection well and the thought of rejection over something so out of my control yet fundamental to being compatible is something I just cannot work up the courage for. It almost makes me sick thinking about it right now, I just would not handle it well. Especially from somebody that I have so many feelings for, there's no one like her.

 

Fetish+pied- haven't pmo'd in 8 months, literally as soon as I found out about your brain on porn I dropped it for good. Went through horrible withdrawals and that's when this anxiety started over my size, I was in a flatline and started researching it and found that even before flatline I was pretty small.
Addictions-switched from cigs to ecigs a little over a year ago, not a huge improvement but slot better than a pack a day, stopped drinking everyday and only do it here and there socially, stopped smoking weed which was a daily habit, stopped taking pain killers and benzos which was a daily habit.
Social anxiety-I'm in a band, started going out more going to the gym 3 times a week which I stopped because of this depression over size it seems pointless, all that's happening when I go out and workout is that I get a lot more attention from women which makes me depressed because I feel like I can't be with them or satisfy them. I've had a couple of girls hookup with me in the past few months and ask to have sex or get in the shower and I've turned them all down because I'm embarrassed about my size.

 

I haven't even eaten in 24 hrs, I have no appetite I'm just so depressed I feel inadequate. I was invited to two parties today and can't bring myself to go look people in the eye and act confident in myself. One was a pool party with my best friend growing up and I'm too embarrassed about myself to go to her house along with the fact that one of the girls that asked to sleep with me is there

 

I would watch some videos on YouTube and experiment but for the most part I just found a niche there and developed my own routine.