I can pretty much guess when my addiction started and how. But I never thought it would be this way even if I did not know I could have been addicted back then in my teens (27 now). I always strangely been that person who always said that sex should not be the important part of a relationship. I once had a online relationship. In the beginning I was never comfortable with showing him my body over cam. Even went as far to get mad when one of his friends told him I ought to be doing more for him. I would type cyber with him but nothing else. Then I started showing him my body. Only because I was scared that if I didn't. He would cheat on me. It is pretty much because of him as to why I have trust issues when it comes to men. Even years later that is my biggest fear. That I won't be good enough and so that means someone will cheat on me and I cannot handle that again. My addiction is also tied with an addiction to love. Being in love with love. I would only watch porn, and type cyber and have a lot of sexual fantasies. Even a simple thing like trying to picture a romantic scenario would turn to sex. But whenever I wrote my stories. I could write romance without sex being involved which is weird in a way. I suffer from chronic depression. 13 years now and I doubt it is ever going away so chronic is a good way to express it. And severe anxiety, social and general, as well as OCD. (And because of OCD I suffer from sexual obsessions). Which was what led me to realizing my addiction. I started my journey in the summer. I relapsed a lot. Three weeks ago I started officially over again. I been good with no sexual fantasies. They try and creep in when I want to write a romantic scene. And it is frustrating and just sends my obsessions wheeling and my anxiety to go up. Wonder if I can ever get to the point that it won't be an issue. I know sex is a part of life and you cannot fully escape it. Like if I ever seen a sex scene on TV or in a movie. I actually found it rather boring. I always got annoyed whenever game of thrones would just throw is a random sex scene when they could have done something else with the story line. It has never been as bad as it been the last year or two now that I realize. And I am self punishing myself for it. Especially since I had a chance to get away from porn and all that years ago when my sexual obsessions started in the beginning. I avoided porn and anything sex related. But then I started getting worried about having cancer and I guess I slipped because here I am. I acted out a few times. I don't want to say how. And now it is haunting me and I hate it. I strangely never been that person who could look at a good looking person and think of sex. Only in my stories that I make up in my head with fictional characters or strangely enough my friends. I had a casual dating relationship with one that was sexual. But I soon started to pull away from that and become uncomfortable because I did not want to be someone's booty call. I had thought to get with one friend just because I thought of sex. Even thinking I don't want a relationship I just want sex. And I hate that I said that. It just takes away who I always said I was. The girl who thought sex should not be the important thing about any relationship. I am scared of dating because I fear if I have sex I can relapse. Everything I read about sex addicts has said that the addiction is not about sex but the feeling that comes from it. Whenever I pictured sex in the past it was between two couples being romantic. Now it is just anything. I also fear I can never trust again with my feelings. I don't know if it can get any better. I doubt if the addiction lifts that I will get rid of my anxiety and depression. I live in a horrible household where I am stepped upon by my family. The fact that I always feel better when I am away from them and out of town on my own without them should say something. By now this all seems like rambling. But I been feeling so stressed just stuck in my mind all day with my anxiety, fears and obsessions. I also fear developing a co-addiction. I started going to the bingo at first to just get out of the house. I stopped and did not go for months and only a few times after that. Weeks apart. Then I started going more because I had to get away from my computer and relax somewhere else. I never thought to get addicted to it until my grandmother brought up addictive personalities when she was talking about those who constantly play bingo every hour of every day. I never felt that. I hate spending money so I never went more than what I wanted to afford to go. Only recently when I was close to winning 16K did I start thinking of doing more and more. Because I could really use that money. I do photography and I need new equipment but it is sooooo expensive and with that money I can get what I finally need. I started freaking out yesterday about going from one addiction to the next. And that led to reading up about co-addictions and such. I remember always snorting whenever my grandmother and aunt would go to many bingos. There was an all nighter one. And I knew when I could quit and did while they stayed I went home. But all the same. I don't want another addiction. I may as well have an internet one but when I am away from it like I was for a week in Cuba I was fine. Strangely enough I was fine without the cybering and porn. I occasionally had a sexual fantasy and masturbated once but that was it. Maybe because for the first time in a long time I felt free enough to relax. I want to get back to writing roleplays and fanfiction and any story in general with romance without sex coming to mind. I miss that. I really do. I miss things like romantic gestures of placing a hand on their face and staring lovingly at the person. Does it ever get any easier? I keep telling myself the official new start has only been three weeks now and to give myself a break. But it is driving me crazy, the shame, the sexual obsessions, and so many other things that are running through my mind. I know I am a worrier and often I can worry about something for nothing. It has actually been surprisingly easy to give up porn. I only relapsed and looked at it three times. Compared to the cybering and the sexual fantasies. I only relapsed with masturbating three times as well. It has now been three months since I last maturbated and looked at porn. So that is a good goal. Three weeks ago I gave up the other shit. I am just so fearful that things won't get better.