Need to let go of my thoughts

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by lostone22, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. lostone22

    lostone22 Fapstronaut

    I can pretty much guess when my addiction started and how. But I never thought it would be this way even if I did not know I could have been addicted back then in my teens (27 now). I always strangely been that person who always said that sex should not be the important part of a relationship.

    I once had a online relationship. In the beginning I was never comfortable with showing him my body over cam. Even went as far to get mad when one of his friends told him I ought to be doing more for him. I would type cyber with him but nothing else.

    Then I started showing him my body. Only because I was scared that if I didn't. He would cheat on me.

    It is pretty much because of him as to why I have trust issues when it comes to men. Even years later that is my biggest fear. That I won't be good enough and so that means someone will cheat on me and I cannot handle that again.

    My addiction is also tied with an addiction to love. Being in love with love.

    I would only watch porn, and type cyber and have a lot of sexual fantasies. Even a simple thing like trying to picture a romantic scenario would turn to sex.

    But whenever I wrote my stories. I could write romance without sex being involved which is weird in a way.

    I suffer from chronic depression. 13 years now and I doubt it is ever going away so chronic is a good way to express it. And severe anxiety, social and general, as well as OCD. (And because of OCD I suffer from sexual obsessions). Which was what led me to realizing my addiction.

    I started my journey in the summer. I relapsed a lot.

    Three weeks ago I started officially over again. I been good with no sexual fantasies. They try and creep in when I want to write a romantic scene. And it is frustrating and just sends my obsessions wheeling and my anxiety to go up. Wonder if I can ever get to the point that it won't be an issue.

    I know sex is a part of life and you cannot fully escape it.

    Like if I ever seen a sex scene on TV or in a movie. I actually found it rather boring. I always got annoyed whenever game of thrones would just throw is a random sex scene when they could have done something else with the story line.

    It has never been as bad as it been the last year or two now that I realize. And I am self punishing myself for it. Especially since I had a chance to get away from porn and all that years ago when my sexual obsessions started in the beginning. I avoided porn and anything sex related. But then I started getting worried about having cancer and I guess I slipped because here I am.

    I acted out a few times. I don't want to say how. And now it is haunting me and I hate it.

    I strangely never been that person who could look at a good looking person and think of sex. Only in my stories that I make up in my head with fictional characters or strangely enough my friends. I had a casual dating relationship with one that was sexual.

    But I soon started to pull away from that and become uncomfortable because I did not want to be someone's booty call. I had thought to get with one friend just because I thought of sex. Even thinking I don't want a relationship I just want sex.

    And I hate that I said that.

    It just takes away who I always said I was. The girl who thought sex should not be the important thing about any relationship.

    I am scared of dating because I fear if I have sex I can relapse. Everything I read about sex addicts has said that the addiction is not about sex but the feeling that comes from it. Whenever I pictured sex in the past it was between two couples being romantic. Now it is just anything.

    I also fear I can never trust again with my feelings.

    I don't know if it can get any better. I doubt if the addiction lifts that I will get rid of my anxiety and depression. I live in a horrible household where I am stepped upon by my family. The fact that I always feel better when I am away from them and out of town on my own without them should say something.

    By now this all seems like rambling. But I been feeling so stressed just stuck in my mind all day with my anxiety, fears and obsessions.

    I also fear developing a co-addiction.

    I started going to the bingo at first to just get out of the house. I stopped and did not go for months and only a few times after that. Weeks apart. Then I started going more because I had to get away from my computer and relax somewhere else. I never thought to get addicted to it until my grandmother brought up addictive personalities when she was talking about those who constantly play bingo every hour of every day.

    I never felt that. I hate spending money so I never went more than what I wanted to afford to go. Only recently when I was close to winning 16K did I start thinking of doing more and more. Because I could really use that money.

    I do photography and I need new equipment but it is sooooo expensive and with that money I can get what I finally need.

    I started freaking out yesterday about going from one addiction to the next. And that led to reading up about co-addictions and such.

    I remember always snorting whenever my grandmother and aunt would go to many bingos. There was an all nighter one. And I knew when I could quit and did while they stayed I went home. But all the same. I don't want another addiction. I may as well have an internet one but when I am away from it like I was for a week in Cuba I was fine.

    Strangely enough I was fine without the cybering and porn. I occasionally had a sexual fantasy and masturbated once but that was it.

    Maybe because for the first time in a long time I felt free enough to relax.

    I want to get back to writing roleplays and fanfiction and any story in general with romance without sex coming to mind. I miss that. I really do. I miss things like romantic gestures of placing a hand on their face and staring lovingly at the person.

    Does it ever get any easier?

    I keep telling myself the official new start has only been three weeks now and to give myself a break. But it is driving me crazy, the shame, the sexual obsessions, and so many other things that are running through my mind. I know I am a worrier and often I can worry about something for nothing.

    It has actually been surprisingly easy to give up porn. I only relapsed and looked at it three times. Compared to the cybering and the sexual fantasies. I only relapsed with masturbating three times as well. It has now been three months since I last maturbated and looked at porn. So that is a good goal.

    Three weeks ago I gave up the other shit.

    I am just so fearful that things won't get better.
    goodnice, Castielle and Lily White like this.
  2. Lily White

    Lily White Fapstronaut

    I know from experience that it's not always easy to go out into the world, especially when you have anxiety, but is it possible for you to start taking the first step towards living on your own? What would that be?

    Keep sharing your story here, if that makes you feel comfortable. Shame can only thrive in the dark.

    Three weeks is a big deal! Good on you, lostone! I'm routing for you :)
  3. lostone22

    lostone22 Fapstronaut

    I am trying to go out more. I went out more this previous year than I did the others. I almost went out for new years but didn't because I was concerned with drunk men and I get uncomfortable with drunk men. I felt guilt and shame at not going out though. Cried that night. Which i felt I needed.

    And I am trying to get my own place. But rent is so expensive. The only time I may be able to afford a place is if I bunked with one of my friends. But sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing. I feel I need peace from people.

    I wish I lived in the places I want to visit. Like Banff national park in alberta. Where I can just go and hike and get away from it all.

    I am now just currently beginning to obsess over the things I read about addiction. How people with it cannot go without it.

    Yet whenever I went out of town and was away from my computer. I did great without porn. Like I mentioned previously, the occasional fantasy but that was about it.

    I know every person and likely every addict is different. But the things I read makes me think I am just using this as an excuse for why my sexual obsessions with my ocd is flaring.

    I know when I feel better. I can feel it. But then it just all creeps back in.
  4. lostone22

    lostone22 Fapstronaut

    I know there are different forms of how you recognize the addiction and come over it. I been through shame, guilt, and such. This was never who I thought I was.

    I want to be better. I want to be able to have better relationships and healthy ones for perhaps the first time in a very very long time. I always been used to abandonment. In high school an old friend started to bully me and in the end all my friends left. So I begin judging everyone around me wondering when they will be the next person to go and abandon me.

    I been trying to better my life for years and it just seems to down spiral. And I suppose that was when the high really came.

    Now like I mentioned I am worried about doing new activities and if they become an addiction. Like bingo. It started off as just something to do when I am bored at night and cannot sleep. It got me out of the house and interact with people there. I even began feeling I could conquer some social anxiety if I shouted bingo on my own and get over my fear of attention on me. I only started worry about it becoming an addiction to cover my sex/porn one when my grandmother like I mentioned spoke about addictive personalities.

    Now I thought those who went all the time were wasting too much money there. The way they would act if they lost, even the way my aunt would. Made me think these people needed a chill pill. I was in the beginning an oh well I did not win. But lately when I feel I need that money...

    I had being an addict so much and that my life has gotten to this. That I have one addiction that I am dealing with and then a new fun activity that got me going out even if it was one or two sessions might become another.

    I am determined to recovery. I know that much to be true. But the fears always linger. Because if I become addicted to something else, I may relapse with this one.
  5. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    Dont let OCD control your life, as soon as you feel too worried about something know its OCD, try to worry less, try to relax and enjoy the little things, ignore that nagging voice in the back of your head, it only tells lies.
  6. lostone22

    lostone22 Fapstronaut

    Trying to fight ocd with logic is like cutting wood with a butter knife. But I know it has to be that. My favourite place to go is the Casino. I never gamble. They just have good food there and the bars aren't like the ones downtown so I am comfortable there. I never felt the need to gamble in my life. Always thought it was a waste of money.

    To any who read this, aside from what I ranted about last night in my moments of fear and panic.

    I have a question that came to mind.

    What is the healthy amount of sexual fantasy? Like for those who aren't addicts. How much do they fantasize? Because before I came to this realization I thought I fantasized about it as much as a normal person. I googled how many times a day a woman thinks about sex and so forth. Just a curious thought.
  7. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    I really love your honesty. You're very open and honest with yourself, and that's so important. I can definitely relate, as a writer who likes to write romance. Sex is generally a part of that. I can say, I'm definitely not to the point yet where writing a sexual or sensual scene doesn't turn to lustful thoughts, but I can say I feel like I'm a lot better now than I used to be. I feel like I can write that stuff now and still stand my ground and let those thoughts go afterward. And I'm also improving on writing romance without sex as well. I used to always think about the sexy scenes a lot, and when I would be writing something romantic, my mind would always drift into how that could turn into sex, even if I knew I wasnt going to end that scene that way. But now that I'm committed to NoFap more than I ever have been before, I don't want to think about that stuff, because I know it will only make my urges harder to resist. So I focus a lot more on the romance, not the sex.

    All of that was just to say, while I'm not perfect and I'm definitely not "there" yet, I can definitely see some hope, and I think it will get easier for both of us. I believe you will be able to enjoy writing romance without letting that always lead to sex. And I believe I will get there too.
  8. Shapirro

    Shapirro Banned

    A week ago I skeptically related to the casino. But today I watched my friend playing casino. It became interesting for me. I asked Sasha (my friend's name) - what is the name of this site? He gave me this link - . I came at home and got started. What can I say? Since this moment I love the casino and especially slots. I would never have thought that it could become my hobby)
  9. Carn1957

    Carn1957 New Fapstronaut

    I send you my best wishes and hope you are doing well:)

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