Need the SOs and PAs opinions & advice

So I am realizing that I am hung up on something lately that is making healing harder for me.

It seems that a lot of people here, and that I've read about in books, the PA had a porn addiction long before they met the SO. My husband did not. He looked at it occasionally, but was not addicted.

We have been together 15 years and his addiction to it only started in 2016. At that time his use went to daily, then to twice daily, and that lasted between 6 months and a year, not exactly sure, I think around 7/8 months. Prior to that, he says it was every few months, or a couple of days here and there, that he went really long periods of time up to a year without it at all, but he would always end up looking again. He knew how I felt about it since the first year of our marriage, and he chose to do it anyway. But to me, the infrequency of it then (a year or a few months in between times) means it was not an addiction at that time.

Here is the hard part for me, to me that indicates that this wasn't some addiction that he had before we met and where I can understand that he isn't doing it to hurt me, that his brain is changed from it and he is driven to do it. I get people do things when they are addicted to something just to feed that addiction, it is the way addiction works, and he did a lot of those things but only in 2016, never before that. To me he chose to do it before that point. And he chose to do it knowing it would hurt me. And he chose to do it every single time during those 15 years until in 2016 it became more frequent and the addiction formed.

How do I get past that? It seems like it would be easier to heal from it if I could say his actions were caused by an addiction he had prior to me, and me getting hurt was a side effect of that addiction. Instead, I feel like he chose it knowing it would hurt me, not that he was compelled to do it because of an addiction and hurting me was the side effect of that. Or am I wrong, and that is an addiction, even with the huge gaps in between where he wasn't drawn to it?

TL;DR - My husband became addicted to porn after we were married many years. He knew how I felt about it prior to becoming addicted and he still chose to do it, infrequently until 2016, when it became an addiction. That feels like he knew it would hurt me and chose to do it anyway, instead of it being an addiction that hurting me was the by product of. How do I get past that?

 

Thank you for posting. It does help to know that others feel this way as well. I'm sorry that you are also experiencing it. It's helpful also what your therapist says, I didn't really think of it that way.

I never thought of it this way, either, but that makes sense. I like the visual of that a lot, thank you.

I like what you say about the life circumstance dictating how often you indulge. At the time that this became an addiction, my husband changed shifts at work. Instead of us going to bed together, like we always had, he went to bed alone and he woke up alone and left for work. He said he felt lonely, he never expressed that to me, though. Also, he didn't get a rating at work that he had worked very hard for and felt he deserved. His mood changed after that. I thought his change was only related to the work stuff, so I was just kind of waiting for that to pass, didn't really address that it could be more than that. Also, around this time, he went to his doctor and was told he had low T. I'm not sure how, he didn't have the symptoms of it. It was barely low on the test, but he did not have anything else that would indicate it was low. Anyway, she gave him a high dose right around this same time. Then later, even though he tested in the normal range and was having some symptoms of too much T now, she upped his dose by almost double. We didn't notice this change in dose until later after he had been on it a while. But he says during this time, even on the lower dose, he felt like a ravaged teenager again, always wanting sex. It was much more of a focus for him then. I don't think that excuses things at all, but I think that had something to do with it as well.

Thank you. Sometimes I do think of it that way, because he knew it would hurt me. We talked about it, he told me he wouldn't do it. And he wouldn't have hid it if he didn't know it would hurt me. That's just hard. He did say he didn't think I would find out so he didn't think I would be hurt by it. He didn't realize all the other problems P can cause.

Yes, it does, thank you.

Thanks all of you for your help with this. The responses do help me see things differently. Each of you gave me something different to think about, so thank you again. And if anyone else has anything to offer, I'm all ears.

 

Right, that is what I think happened. But that makes it harder for me to get over and I'm not really finding resources that help with that. Like an addiction is one thing, it does something to the brain, but everything before that wasn't addiction. We talked about it, he knew how I felt, he did it anyway to the point that it became an addiction, or at least that is how I view it. That seems like a choice to me. And it is making it harder for me to get past this whole thing... the part before the addiction is a bigger hang up to me than the addiction. I don't know if that makes sense, sorry if I'm not explaining it clearly.
What I got from others here is that maybe it was always an addiction, but just the frequency was less. I don't know. Just looking for something to help with the healing. I want to get over this.

 

Yeah that's true, but 2015 vs 2016 isn't a huge difference, that's the time from in our case. 2016, addition, everything before not.

 

Yeah I know all about that, unfortunately. And I'm definitely experiencing it, it sucks so much. Thank you.

 

Thank you for this @Sadgirl . We had a huge talk last night (I put a little update in my journal, not a good day) and he actually mentioned a lot of what you said here... he grew up Catholic, shamed about sex, and liked P because of how taboo it was and the more taboo the better. He also watched it so he would know what to do with me, I was the first person he was with, at 23. The thing is, he continued that on after, even projected the P onto me for years. Even when I'd tell him I DON'T WANT THAT, I don't like that, whatever, he still thought I did because of what was in P. He watched it to find out how to please me better when I didn't want that. I liked what he did on his own, I didn't like anything he tried to force from porn. It's a mess. I made the mistake at looking at some of the stuff, and I'm just repulsed. Can't even look at him now. Anyway, yeah a lot of what you said is true, thank you.

 

Yeah, I see what you mean. The circumstances did change, he had a lot more time to himself with the schedule change. I get that part, I'm less mad about the PA, more mad about everything before it. I know that is weird. Knowing it was probably always there, just needed the right circumstance to flare up does help. Now, I just have to get over the actual things he found attractive. It literally made me throw up yesterday. Ugh.