Need outside insight on a sex question

Have you two ever sat and talked about what you each like. What helps you feel desired in a positive way? Not a you didn’t do this or did that.
Try a disarming moving towards her approach, build burn build.

I completely loved XYZ, this was a huge turn on for me, I would appreciate a little XYZ, I would feel desired if (insert what you hoped for), I absolutely loved the experience (add why what you loved about it). it’s giving information and communicating a valid complaint but in a disarming and loving way. It’s ok you felt the way you did but communication and understanding is key.
Remember the I statement not “I felt ignored” gives the opportunity and room for empathy not the “you ignored me” a perceived attack towards her.

 

for what its worth - IMHO.

Doing and being done. You did her and she wanted it. What would happen if you just slowly stopped if she didn't show any reaction? Could you ask her to touch you or go down on you? Unfortunately in the heat of the moment we rarely think to question what's going on. Open communications. What would happen if you laid down and asked her to do you? BTW.. that's a fair request right? She wanted you?

Sex without any emotion or reciprocity kinda sucks. It gets to the point of "well, it might as well be a cheap hooker".

Be honest, tell her you want to be touched like your touching her next time - you always have the right to pull the plug on things if they don't feel right and explain that you're not into it.

You've gone 85 days and that is awesome. Take a pass during a less than awesome encounter allows you the opportunity to reject crappy sex and may send a signal. If only you initiate, she will never have the opportunity to do you.

HF

 

It's like being in the awkward first few times stage again and you at the time weren't sure if you were doing what she enjoyed or was looking for?
It sounds like she was in the mood for a receiving session. It's not unhead of at times. I would imagine after all you have both been through it left you feeling a bit strange.
Talking about it is great. Sometimes you have to think about what and how to say things. No one ever gets it right all the time.

 

Call it Karrezza?

Where does her head go
when she climaxes, is it with you?

 

The ignoring thing is kind of odd, I agree with you on that. I agree with her that everything doesn't have to be even.

As for the rest, I could see that from her perspective, she initiated (showing desire) and had sex with you (again, desire) and thought you had an O. Was it clear she thought you did O? If you knew she thought that you had an O could you have said keep going or something letting her know you'd like more instead of just retreating to separate corners? If that is the case, it seems like communication may possibly be lacking from both sides here, not just her?

Could this seemingly insatiable need to have her desire you possibly stem from you not feeling desirable, as in you having that feeling about yourself as opposed to her having that feeling about you? I don't know obviously since I am not you or her, but just throwing that out there for thought in case it may be part of the issue.

 

Communication is important. Make little requests, ask her to touch you with her hands as you touch her. Make it known what you want. Being grumpy about her not taking an active role and mind-reading exactly what she should do to most please you, all after the event, is not the right approach. You let her believe that you were finished and got up to leave. You focussed on her needs and met them, twice. That is good sex, for her. If you want or need something different, then communication at the time is what you need. If the splashing is distracting, ask if you can go to the bed etc. If you are just putting yourself off through concerns over her lack of interaction or actively driving the action, then you can address this inner worry by just asking her to do the sort of things that you were hoping she would be doing.

If your wife is worried that nothing is ever good enough, then make simple requests. To look in your eyes, to make contact in some way with your genitals if you are doing so for her. Or, let you catch up after the focus has been on her before progressing to penetration.

Five years is rough. It is bound to be awkward, I suppose. Being a good lover is not only about pleasing your partner, but by effectively and sensitively communicating your own needs and desires. Try to be open and vulnerable in the moment, rather than afterwards when you are already feeling (and thus expressing) disappointment and frustration. Your wife will respond more positively to an expression of desire than one of disappointment.

 

This is where I think we are alot alike Phucky...
*Just because she initiated, does not mean that she showed desire (actual wanting For Your personhood during sex and to have Actual sex with)
To me this looks like grabbing and kissing and those sorts of have to have you foreplays.
*initiating doesn't mean Stop and let the other party do all the work because after you consent your part is over, either.
*saying "I consent" also isn't Actual desire (although it Is desirable)
*Just because she Had sex With you does not mean desire was had... She did not express the need for the sex with you.. Where was her head? Was she in her own fantasy or with you and enjoying the sex?
*And also... Saying that you desire someone (I desire you) isn't the same as expressing desire - (I want you, I want to have sex with you, I want to be with you so badly! Etc) <- <~which would actually make you feel desire... Imo
*getting off (to me) is irrelevant, (but that's my personal preference) as long as desire is had, I have connection. Connection helps make it so you can have intimacy and don't look elsewhere for the intimacy or misplace your connections. Connection can happen at any time during sex. For alot of people, it's the end... For some... It's the beginning.
You sound like a beginning person, she sounds like a end.
-that's going to take compromise.
Good luck my friend!

 

Ok . My take . I’m not a very chill person . To have a “relaxed” orgasm compared to a “ get it done “ orgasm is HUGE . There are times when I literally would not physically move any part of my body just to fully enjoy the moment , then sex . I believe she truly thought you went . I think she enjoyed the extra attention with you getting nothing out of it . Maybe she felt you were being unselfish . A PA is known to be selfish ? Just my take , could be wrong . Why do they do those damn spoiler thingys . Just makes me wanna look .

 

If you're going to address sexual issues don't do it in the moment if it's a criticism. Best thing to do is address This BEFORE the next time occurs.

If you guys try again without talking and in the moment you bring this up she will feel attacked/shocked/ insecure etc and the situation won't be good.

Both need to communicate Openly, Honestly, Vulnerably.

Desire is important, and if it's important, express that. Express what desire means to You.

 

This.

 

Everyone considers Desire to be something different.
Everyone considers sexual release something different.
Having sex and being connected (also different to different people) range from person to person.... So when you get married you commit not only to a person but to what their ideas of sex and connection should be in look like. If you get married without understanding those ideas and Concepts you can run into some problems.
This happens alot.
Without communication it sort of feels like hitting a brick wall alot.
@phuck-porn! You sound more like me and your wife sounds more like my SO.
However, she IS saying what she wants and thinks and that's good....
Are you saying what you want?
Are you agreeing to meet in the middle?
Is she trying to understand?
Are you communicating in a time where it's not right before or right after and you both feel safe about the conversation because it's not confrontational?
Sex is a team effort. Play together, don't work against each other.
Coordinate. Communicate.

 

Personally, as a complete outsider not knowing your situation and what you and your wife have talked about on the subject before this incident, I would say that my initial response is that you should have communicated more in the moment. If she thought you finished, then I think it's natural for her to think that sexy times are over. I know its tough to communicate difficult things in the moment, but maybe you could have politely asked if that was it, because you'd like to keep going or something.

Otherwise, as long as you said everything kindly in the quoted conversation, I think you handled that well and she was overreacting a bit. I'm sorry :/ I hope you can work it out and smooth things over.

I've been learning a LOT about communication and conflict and all kinds of other things from this workbook study in our marriage group called "re-engage." Its a Christian study, though, so of course its probably not for everybody, and it does require active participation from both parties in order to be effective, but I highly recommend it. If I have the time, I can send you the information on one of the chapters sometime, because it talks about what our negative communication habits are, and it's been really helpful for my husband and I to know that about ourselves and each other. Now, when I'm upset by something hes done, I'm not just saying "I'm mad at you," im able to articulately say, "I feel invalidated right now," and he knows that invalidating is his biggest weakness in communication, so he can see the situation more clearly.

Anyway, its really good info, so maybe I'll share more of that here when I have the time.

 

This could very easily be very far off the mark, but I'll share anyway. I think what would be very helpful for you and your wife to begin to verbalize (speak out loud) while you are intimate. This would be a way for you to be validated by your wife and your wife would not have to step out of her comfort zone (that much).
Imagine that your last time together played out exactly as it did - she invites you to join her - then (a), (b) and ends with (c). However, this time when you started with action (a), she offered verbal encouragement which lead to (b), and finally she stated that she really wanted/needed to move onto (c).
Would that have made you feel desired? (It certainly does the trick for me but maybe I'm an oddball)
The words/phrases can be very tame and still have a great impact. Additionally if you were also verbalizing it would have eliminated the confusion that happened at the end of the activities.

 

I'm thinking she is still deeply hurt. Subconsciously she probably didn't care whether or not you got off. This however doesn't mean that she isn't attracted to you or doesn't desire you. Especially after so long without there are likely a lot of awkward feelings for both of you. The important thing is YOU talked about it pretty quickly after. Try to avoid sex in places other than the bedroom until you're both back on track. I think that may have been a lot of the issue, that it just wasn't entirely comfortable to begin with?

 

Your story is about communication, while @anewhope's is about the joys of giving asymetric intimacy, but I think there are still useful resonances. Did you see it? I'll quote a bit here, it's a good thread:

 

You need to take control. When she finishes tell her you haven’t and do the business. There’s nothing wrong with “I’m not done yet wifey”